Elevation
by ginginlee
Summary: At 12, they called her "The Next Big Thing." At 15, she made millions of dollars starring in blockbusters. At 17, she was a washed up starlet and laughingstock of L.A. Can Isabella Hale find out who she really is, or will she always be playing a part? AH
1. Chapter 1

**Here's the prologue for my newest fic - Isabella has a lot of problems, so we've got a ways to go. **

**Song Rec: Ray LaMontagne - "Be Here Now"**

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I considered complaining again, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. There was no point in arguing. My parents' minds were made up, and there was no turning back now. We would just have to adjust, they told us. We would learn to love it, they said assuredly. Bullshit, I said to them, but they didn't care. Jasper and I were just going to have to figure out a way to settle into our new lives.

Luckily for him, he only had one more year of school to suffer through. He said he was planning on coming right back out to the coast for college, and I didn't doubt him. While he was originally looking into the L.A. area since he knew so many people there, lately he said he was considering the two San's, and just needed to figure out north or south.

While San Diego had the sun he wanted, San Fran had the atmosphere he was looking for. I told him to head much further north to Portland or Seattle, where I wanted to go, and where we could get back to our artistic roots. He informed me that the kind of artistic roots I'd planted in Hollywood weren't the same sort as the good people of Portland. They probably hated Los Angelians.

My mom kept a small smile on her face as we turned off onto a gravel road. We had driven far enough to get out of the mountains, though their menacing height was visible from everywhere in Montana. I had to admit, the Rockies were gorgeous. The house we were moving into was a sprawling ranch that I loved aesthetically, and I could admit that I was looking forward to experiencing winter.

It was everything else I couldn't handle. Leaving my friends, leaving my jobs, leaving everything I'd known since I was a baby. I wouldn't know how to function without sitting in hours of loud, smoggy traffic or listening to idiotic starlets spout off what they thought was intellectual banter. I wouldn't be required to eat like a bird and get microdermabrasion every five weeks, but I also wouldn't even have the option. I'd already checked—the nearest dermatologist was one hundred miles away.

Granted, at times I got a little excited about the possibility of making real friends who weren't just using me. It would be nice to not have to get gussied up every morning for school. My mom assured me that the kids at our tiny high school would be painfully normal—like the kind in those wholesome TV shows filmed in L.A. where the actors portraying them were cokeheads and bulimics. I wouldn't have to deal with as many cokeheads and bulimics, and that made me happy.

Mom and Dad insisted that we needed to grow up in a lower pressure environment, though I wanted to shout at them that I finished growing up several years before, after my first big part in a movie and the first blow job I ever gave. I was twelve, it was the summer, and I became a woman. After that, I had a tidy sum of money tucked away from the part, and I ended the season with three boys' virginity under my belt. It was a good year, and maybe if we'd moved before then, I wouldn't have become whom I did. It was too late now, but I didn't have the heart to tell Mom that.

I sighed once our new home came into view. It was breathtaking—expansive, real wood siding, huge bay windows, and a gigantic deck to sit on in the evenings and watch the sun fall over the mountain tops. It was forty minutes away from school, so Jas and I would have to make a major trek each morning and afternoon, though we didn't mind. I'd stowed away enough pills to last through Halloween, if I was careful, and could probably finagle a trip back home to snag some more. I told myself it wouldn't be that bad.

I just hoped the wilderness didn't swallow me whole.

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**The next chapter will be up Monday. Thanks for reading. :)**

**Find me on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, here's the next chapter of the story, and you'll get to see a little bit more of Isabella Hale. I'm planning on updating on Mondays and Fridays, and all of the chapters are going to be on the shorter side. I hope you like it!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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I'd be safe and warm…if I was in LA…._

The timely words of The Mamas & The Papas floated out of Jasper's speakers as we neared the school that housed our further education. Of all the songs that could've come on the radio, the one that expressed the very melancholy of my soul had to play. I snorted, imagining Jesus sitting up high somewhere, rubbing his hands together in anticipation as he waited for me to hear it. I couldn't hold back my laugh, and Jasper's eyes slid over to me in suspicion.

"What'd you take?" he asked expectantly.

"Nothing out of the ordinary, Jas. I'm holding out. If first period sucks, then I'll take something else," I explained to him.

"So you're actually giving this place a shot?"

"I didn't say that," I argued, not wanting Jas to get any ideas. "I just think I might as well have a clear head when I go to the office to get my schedule."

"Alright," he said lazily as he reached down to turn the music up louder. The song finally came to a close, and I felt like I could breathe a little easier. I would make the most of my time in Montana—if anything, my time spent in obscurity would give me some perspective, or some good stories to tell the whores back home.

I sat in my seat and thought about the day before. It was by far the most low-key birthday I'd ever had; Mom, Dad and Jas sang "Happy Birthday" to me before I blew out seventeen crooked candles on a homemade cake. There weren't really any presents to open, especially considering I'd been the catalyst for a cross-country move, but I thanked them anyway. It was depressing to realize how much had changed in such a short time.

After what had to be the longest ride to school ever, we pulled into the lot of a large brick building. The school seemed to be two stories, and sprawling. I could see the higher roof of the gymnasium, and the edge of the football field behind it. The parking lot was almost full already, so Jas and I parked at the far corner and walked briskly towards the front doors.

I saw a few other students making their way inside, but no one noticed the two newcomers amongst the sea of cars. Jasper's metro haircut was definitely going to stand out, that much I could tell quickly. I knew I would be able to blend in a little better; my $400 highlights were made to look natural, giving me a caramel and chocolate look that perfectly complemented my faux-tan. My dermatologist was a stickler about melanoma, so I had stayed away from tanning beds and the real sun for years.

The vast majority of the parking lot seemed to be occupied with SUVs and trucks, all of which were splashed with mud. I smelled the distinct odor of cow manure and hay as I passed a few, but Jasper reminded me that we were, for the most part, in farming country.

We entered the school and looked down the hallway in both directions. We didn't see any signs pointing to the office, and other than a few curious glances, no one offered to help us. My brother and I turned right, and then another right once we reached the next hallway, and luck was with us—the office door was right in front of us. After retrieving our schedules from the unfriendly secretary, we went our separate ways. There were no school maps to help us navigate from class to class and no student assigned to show us around, so we were both pretty clueless.

I quickly determined that my first class was on the first floor, since the room number began with a "one", and I headed back the way I came. I nearly smacked right into a few people, and other than mumbled apologies, no one said a word to me. I finally got settled in my English class, after the teacher rudely nodded at me and pointed to an empty seat. We were only a few weeks behind, but the teacher acted as though I was trying to catch up in the middle of the semester.

The thing that surprised me most was the absolute lack of acknowledgement. The teacher's eyes slid past me, the secretary barely looked at me, the other students ignored me…I was invisible. I hadn't wanted fanfare, but I couldn't deny that I wanted envy and attention. I was used to that, but this school was offering me nothing. I wondered if Jasper was suffering the same fate.

Since everyone was pretending I didn't exist, I took the opportunity to scope everyone else out. I expected fashion victims left and right, but was pleasantly surprised to see that everyone looked well groomed; they didn't have L.A. style, but why would they? I had a hard enough time keeping up out there with a personal stylist feeding me the newest trends out of New York and Milan. No one in Montana needed that.

The teacher called me up to his desk and gave me a copy of _Julius Caesar_. The class had only started reading it the day before, and I assured him I could get caught up rather quickly. I took the text back to my desk and started reading the opening act. After a few minutes, I raised my head to look out the window situated by my desk. I remembered the last school I'd gone to, years ago, in LA. When I looked out the windows, I only saw more building and cars and freeways. Here, I could see plains and mountains in the distance. It was entirely too easy to stare and day dream all day instead of working.

Which is exactly what I was doing when the person behind me poked me in the back. I turned my head quickly, noticing the boy seated there for the first time. He moved his eyes pointedly to the front of the room, and I realized the teacher was waiting on me.

"Will you need any help getting caught up on the homework, Isabella?" Mr. Taft seemed like a pretty nice guy, so I didn't want to get on his bad side early. I was pretty sure I could finish everything on my own, so I shook my head. "Alright, if you have any questions, just come by and ask during break. Does anyone volunteer to let Isabella borrow their worksheets from last week to look over?"

Mr. Taft glanced around the room, waiting for someone to raise their hand or speak up. All of the other students were suddenly engrossed in their books, and I began to feel embarrassed. No one even wanted to help me. I would probably have to pop another Adderall just to make it through the day without crying. I hadn't felt quite so vulnerable and exposed before, and I didn't like it. Mr. Taft looked just past me and nodded.

"Thank you, Edward," he said, and I saw a small stack of papers appear beside of my arm. The boy behind me, Edward, was giving me his work to look over. I took the papers from him and turned slightly in my chair to look at him. My eyes were able to quickly peruse his facial features, and I was delighted to see that he was actually extremely attractive. His hair was short but messy, kind of red-brown, and his eyes were deeper than forest green. His cheeks were tinted pink, so I looked away.

"Thanks," I said quietly and I saw him nod as I looked down at the papers. The bell rang and Edward stood up quickly. I popped up as well, not making eye contact with him, and spoke again. "I'll give them back tomorrow."

"Sure, whatever," he said dismissively. He walked around me and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. There didn't seem to be a single student that wanted to talk to me. Edward paused and looked back. "What class do you have next?"

"Oh! Um," I began, fishing out my schedule and looking at it excitedly. "Algebra III with Mrs. Martin." I walked towards Edward, hoping he'd offer to lead me to class, but I was disappointed once more when he stepped away and headed for the door.

"That's out the door, to the right, and then the last door on the right," he said hurriedly, disappearing in the throng of people in the hall before I could even thank him. I walked dejectedly to my next class, forgoing the chance to go to my locker. I only had one book so far, so I didn't feel the need to drop it off. I found the classroom easily and sat down, feeling like a loser, and waited for class to begin.

The rest of my classes before lunch passed like the first one; hardly anyone looked at me, no one spoke to me, and I felt a little more like crying. I hadn't noticed before just how emotional I was until I had to sit in isolation from my peers. Everything upset me, and I wanted to get Jas to skip the rest of the day and take me home.

Once the bell rang for lunch, I walked slowly to the cafeteria, hoping to procrastinate the dreaded "where to sit" scenario that was quickly approaching. Luckily, I saw Jas as soon as I walked in, and headed toward him immediately. He was standing by himself, holding a can of soda, looking around the room. I bumped his arm and said a quiet "Hi."

"How's your day so far, little sister?" I looked up and saw that he actually looked concerned. I shook my head, suddenly feeling an awkward lump in my throat. I didn't think I could speak without bursting into tears. The last thing I needed to do on my first day was cry in front of everyone. I had to hold in it until I got home. "Yeah, I know."

It occurred to me then that Jas was probably feeling just as lonely and ostracized as I was. On top of that, I was pretty pissed that no one cared who I was. I got something to drink from one of the machines lining the wall, and the two of us sat together in a corner. A large part of me couldn't believe that no one was even interested in introducing themselves to us.

"Has anyone talked to you today?" I asked Jas as he sipped on his drink.

"Not really. I think one girl said, 'Here,' earlier when I didn't realize she was passing me a paper," he told me.

"Yeah, same for me. One guy asked what my second period class was, so I thought maybe he would walk me to it, but he just, like, half-yelled directions at me and sprinted away," I lamented, still smarting a little from Edward's rebuff. I hadn't seen him again since English, but I'd secretly hoped he'd be in another class of mine.

"I kind of thought people would…I don't know…want to be our friends immediately. And that we'd be cooler than everyone. We'd be like royalty," Jasper admitted with a self-deprecating laugh. "I didn't know shit, I guess."

"I thought the same thing," I said thoughtfully, allowing my eyes to drift and take a look at the students around us. People were talking and laughing and eating, but no one gave a second look to the new kids sitting alone. Jas and I were quiet for the rest of lunch, and then walked to our respective classes.

Edward wasn't in any of the three afternoon classes that I had, but I was already berating myself for hoping. I needed to let that go. It was pointless to fixate on one stupid student. I would just have to keep my head down and plow through the next couple of years.

I walked out to the car after school let out, my arms full of homework to catch up on, and saw that Jas was waiting on me. As I approached him, I heard a muttered "Excuse me," behind me. I sidestepped and realized Edward was heading to the car parked next to us. I wasn't going to say anything, but then he looked up and caught me looking at him. I put a friendly smile on my face and spoke.

"Thanks for loaning me your class work," I said quietly, trying my damndest to look a little cute and coy.

"Uh, yeah. No problem," he replied. He stood at his unlocked car door like he was waiting on something. "Um, if you need help or anything, um, you can…call my house or whatever. We're in the phone book under Carlisle Cullen."

My smile widened at his words, but the way his eyes were darting away from me made me think he was giving me a pity-offer. I felt pathetic. "Oh, thanks. I might take you up on that. Um, see you tomorrow, Edward."

I got in the car, hoping to save a little face before it was too late. Jasper turned the key in the ignition, and backed out. Just before we pulled away, I saw two girls approach Edward. One was a shorthaired girl that was probably thinner than half of L.A., and the other was a stunning, leggy blonde that made me feel immediately inferior. She glared at me, though I wasn't sure why. I looked at my lap until we were out of the parking lot.

The drive home made me feel a little more like myself, and I decided to pop a pill on the way. I sat in front of the TV for a few minutes until the pill kicked in, then started my homework, and gave myself a pep talk. I wouldn't become some desperate, pitiful girl who ate alone at school and had no friends. I needed to devise a plan, and quickly.

It would only take a few days to settle into my unwanted role at school, and I couldn't have that. I needed to take charge. I needed to show them Isabella Hale didn't back down. I was in a Hollywood blockbuster at age twelve. I was plastered across Europe in Burberry ads when I was fifteen. Directors begged me to join their little indie productions constantly. What could a bunch of nobodys in the middle of Montana do? Intimidate me? Call me names? I'd been on Perez's shit list for a year already, there's little they could say to hurt me.

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**So...Bella's attempting to get her bitch face back on for school the next day...we'll see what happens.**

**Hope you liked the small Edward introduction.**

**Find me on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**


	3. Chapter 3

**Happy start of the weekend, peeps! Thanks to everyone tuning in to this new fic, I really appreciate it. This chapters a little longer than the last, so I hope you enjoy it. :)**

**I don't own Twilight.**

**Song rec: "60 Feet Tall" by The Dead Weather**

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While I felt resolved when I went to bed that night, I awoke feeling a little less than sure. The long drive to school only gave me more time to second guess my plan of action, and by the time Jas parked in the lot, I was feeling downright defeated.

My brother looked over at me, seeing the distress on my face, and tried to reassure me that it would all work out in time. I nodded and took a deep breath. I walked across the parking lot and into the school with my head held high, feeling a little better, and determined to make a splash.

I unfortunately didn't see the person kneeling and picking something up off the ground, since my head was held _so_ high. I managed to knock them over before flopping onto the floor myself. The busy hallway was filled with snickers as I tried to extricate myself from the tangled limbs of the poor person below me. I realized it was the shorthaired girl I'd seen talking to Edward yesterday, and grew even more embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't even see you there!" I exclaimed, helping the girl to her feet. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I shouldn't have been stooped down like that in the first place," she explained, smoothing the front of her shirt down before doing the same to her shorts. "I was trying to put this poster up and couldn't tear the tape."

I watched as the girl lifted the sign off of the floor and leaned it against the wall. The word "Auditions" was painted in a neon green script and I was immediately intrigued.

"So, you'll probably want to try out for this, huh?" The girl's voice was a mixture of hope and sarcasm. I looked at her once more, realizing that she was the only person that had alluded to knowing who I was since I'd moved. She had a small smile on her face, but it wasn't unfriendly.

"What play is it?" I asked as I looked at the poster for visual confirmation.

"_The Little Shop of Horrors_," she answered. "We'll perform two weekends in October. You should try out."

"I—I, uh, probably will. I don't really do musicals, usually, but—"

"Oh, but you have such a good voice!" she interrupted. I looked at her curiously. "I might've seen clips on YouTube of some of your theater performances."

"Thank you," I said genuinely, feeling strange as a blush overtook my face. I wasn't sure what about the situation made me feel so bashful. I heard a throat clear and noticed for the first time that Jas was standing right beside of me.

"Hi, I'm Jasper," he said softly, reaching out and taking the roll of duck tape from the girl's hand. His voice lowered before he spoke again. "I can help you tape this up, if you like."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his lame, and thinly veiled, attempt at flirting and focused instead on finding out the girl's name. "Uh, thanks. I'm Alice."

"I'm Bella," I offered, feeling a bit ridiculous for doing so. Clearly, the girl knew who I was.

"Oh, you go by Bella? I didn't know that," Alice muttered. "There's only so many things you can find out on the Internet, I suppose."

I wasn't sure how to take her comment. She didn't seem crazy, or like a super fan, so I decided to just let it slide. I watched as Jasper deftly tore a few pieces of tape for Alice and assisted her in putting the poster up. I stood anxiously by, wanting to join in the conversation, but unsure of what to say again.

"Um, so, when are auditions?" Alice looked over at me to answer as Jas stood over her and pressed the tape to the wall. She was short enough to see right under his outstretched arms.

"Next Friday. You can pick up a script in Ms. Miller's room so you can decide what part you want to audition for, and then you'll be given an aside to read on Friday," Alice explained. I nodded, knowing this particular audition would be much lower pressure than the ones I was used to. There wouldn't be any big name producers in the room, or a camera fixed on me the entire time.

"Are you trying out?" I asked, hoping that Alice wouldn't be my competition. I'd hate to have to take the role from my new—and only—friend.

"No, I'm the director. Well, Ms. Miller is the director, but I'm co-director," she explained. "But knowing me won't give you a leg up over anyone else—you're all on equal playing ground."

I had to laugh at Alice's pointed look and I nodded in agreement. "Alright, I get it. Well, I better get to class. I'll see you around, Alice."

She said goodbye, and I walked away, leaving my brother there to flirt some more. When I got to English, I saw that Edward was already sitting in his seat, talking to the guy next to him. I didn't want to interrupt, so I waited until the warning bell rang, and then turned around and gave him his papers back.

"Thanks again for letting me borrow those. It really helped me out," I told him as he nodded. I tried really hard not to bat my false eyelashes at him, not that he was even looking at me.

"Yep," he said. I waited to see if he would say anything else, but he didn't. Mr. Taft started class after that, and I had to settle with being disappointed by Edward once again. I hoped it wouldn't become a habit. I needed some male attention, and I needed it fast—I could feel my ego deflating with every passing minute.

After I finished the assigned reading for class, I surreptitiously glanced around the room. If Edward wasn't going to give me the time of day, I would have to set my sights on someone else. Even if he was better looking than most every other boy I'd seen so far, he wasn't the only guy in the school.

As I glanced around the room, I caught the eyes of a boy with eyes so dark they looked black. The way he darted his gaze away when I looked at him let me know that he got caught. He wasn't bad looking; his hair was a little too long, and his clothes were a bit ill fitting, but his skin was clear and he had nice features. It was hard to tell what his body looked like while he was sitting, but I made a mental note to check him out when the bell rang.

Mr. Taft called the class to attention, and assigned different speaking roles to students. We read through four pages of the play before class let out. I looked back over at my future conquest, and caught him looking at me once more. I gave him what was dubbed my "sexy smile" and watched as he blushed furiously. I was about to wink at him when Edward leaned down and spoke to me.

"His name's Garrett," he told me in a whisper. "I'm pretty sure he likes you."

Before I could respond, he walked away, leaving me standing by my desk and looking confused. I turned my eyes back to the boy apparently named Garrett, and watched him saunter out of the room. He looked fit—probably a football player. I walked out of the class and down the hall behind him, enjoying the view.

To my delight, he was in my next class, so I laid the groundwork. After shooting him several lingering glances that he saw, I proceeded to twirl a lock of hair around my finger. Once I saw that his eyes were focused on me, I winked at him. At that point, I scaled back the attack, planning to give him the rest of the day to simmer. There was no point in pushing too hard and potentially coming off as desperate.

Lunch arrived, and as I entered the cafeteria, I once again came upon Jasper standing by himself, surveying the masses. Just like the day before, I bumped his arm as I stood next to him.

"Jas, we can't sit in the corner like losers again today," I began, but he held up his hand to cut me off.

"Not planning on it," he said with a smile. On rare occasions I could see the family resemblance between the two of us; his smile, for instance, was the kind girls seemed to faint over, and a mirror image of my "sexy smile" I often used for red carpet appearances. I'd been told since I hit puberty that I needed to have that kind of appeal—even if I was jailbait.

While Jas hadn't ever really hit it big, he was still a kind of socialite. He accompanied me to almost every function I attended, and photographers frequently fought over getting the best shot of him. The thing that kept Jas in the media was the mystery surrounding him. No one could really figure him out.

He seemed cool and laid back, dressed like he was poor, but spent more money on music in a month than most people made in a year. He drove an old Camaro but had the highest quality sound system in it. He seemed like a huge stoner, but actually never touched any drugs or alcohol. He was perpetually single, but had been seen with every starlet Hollywood produced. He could give a girl a career boost just by taking her to a club or a show one time, yet he didn't really…do anything to be known for. He just was.

So when I saw that his sights were set on Alice, I knew she didn't stand a chance.

Jas walked right up to her, as I tagged along like the little sister I was, and point blank asked her to sit with us. Alice blinked once, twice, then nodded emphatically. She looked down at the girls already seated and bit her lip nervously. It was obvious she didn't want to share Jas with the others.

"We'll sit over here," Jas suggested, leading both of us to an unoccupied table nearby. The three of us sat down with a small clatter of chairs and trays. Jas had at least gotten something to eat, and Alice had a full try sitting before her. I held my lemonade bottle between my hands, wondering if I would be able to sneak another Adderall without Alice noticing.

Just as Alice turned her excited eyes to Jas, I pulled the small pill from my pocket and popped it in my mouth. I took a swig of my lemonade, my eyes meeting a pair of green ones as I tipped my head back. Edward stood at the edge of the table, watching me curiously. He kept his eyes on me as he spoke to Alice.

"You sitting here today, Alice?"

"Yes, you can join us," she answered, looking at both Jas and I as if asking for permission. I nodded quickly.

"Yeah, man, have a seat," Jas offered. It was clear he wasn't sure what the relationship between Edward and Alice was (not that I had any idea either), but he wanted to seem like a nice guy.

"Ah, better not," Edward responded. "You don't eat lunch, Isabella?"

I opened my mouth to answer as Alice said, "Bella, she goes by Bella."

"Okay, Bella, you don't eat lunch?" He watched me closely, too closely, and my heart began to beat faster. He really was incredible looking, and I so badly wanted him to sit down and talk to me for the rest of lunch, but I knew I couldn't ask. He'd already blown me off, and I had Garrett set up as my next project. Edward would just have to wait.

"Oh, big breakfast, you know?" He looked like he was about to respond when the glaring blonde from the day before walked up to him. She turned her icy stare on me for the second time—she had to practice it, because it truly was chilling.

"Come on, Edward," she said in a breathy voice. I narrowed my eyes as I watched her shake her perfectly proportioned hips to another table. I decided I would probably hate her. She was probably my biggest competition in the entire town, so she was my nemesis. _Game on_, I thought.

Edward gave a pathetic little wave as he followed her. I watched him get further and further away, racking my brain over why he seemed to have no interest in me. I had no idea why I wasn't impressive to him, but I didn't want to waste brainpower on it.

"That's Rosalie," Alice said to break the silence that had descended upon our table. "She and my brother have been off and on for like, two years."

"Edward's your brother?" I asked quickly.

"Oh, yeah—I thought you knew. Fraternal twins," she explained. "I figured he told you."

"When would he tell me?"

"He said you guys sit together in English, I just assumed…" she trailed off. So, Edward had told her about me, yet, he ignored me when I was around, for the most part. Interesting.

"Yeah, I guess we just haven't really had time to talk," I supplied. I looked at Jas, hoping he would steer the conversation elsewhere.

"So, Alice, I want to hear more about you," he started. "Did you grow up here?"

Alice nodded her head. "We did, pretty much. When I was little we actually lived south, near Billings, but then we moved up here by the time I started third grade."

"Do you like it here?" Jas asked, soundly genuinely interested.

"Sure! I mean…of course, I dream about getting out of here, but I can't complain about my life, really," she answered. Something about the way she said it made me feel a little guilty, or maybe ungrateful. Like…I had been taking advantage of everything I'd been given, and still wasn't happy. I tried to dispel those thoughts from my head and focus on what Alice was saying.

"Where would you like to go? When you get out of school, I mean," Jas prodded.

"New York, probably. I've been once, last year. My mom took me and it was just so amazing, and there's so many different types of people and so much to do," she rattled off. I saw the stars in her eyes already. She was the type of person who could do well in a bigger town. She seemed to have enough personality to hack it in a city, and New York would be a good place for her to go. I thought LA would chew her up and spit her out. She'd be nothing but a shell if she went there.

"Does Edward like it here?" I found myself asking, though I hadn't really meant to speak aloud.

"Oh, yeah. He'll probably take over for my dad one day."

"What's your dad do?"

"He's a rancher," she replied.

"A rancher? Like a farmer?" I asked.

"Sort of. My mom sells a lot of vegetables at the local market, and her jam is pretty famous in Havre. But we live on a cattle farm, actually," she explained.

"Oh…wow. How far away from the school are you guys?"

"Just about half an hour. We live northwest of here."

"Ah. Us, too," I told her.

Jas kept an eye on his food, but I could see that he was already pretty smitten with Alice. She hadn't said much yet, or been around us for very long, but there was something about her. She was very pretty, though I hated admitting it even to myself, and she had some sort of…life that radiated out of her. I hadn't been around real people in so long, I almost didn't recognize it.

L.A. had made me jaded at the age of seventeen, and that was one thing I hated it for. The town gave me a lot, but it took a lot in return. I hadn't had my innocence in a while, and I was pretty sure I'd lost touch with my soul completely. It was easy to get sucked into the vacuum of the city, and there were blurry weeks of my life where I couldn't remember a thing. I was usually high on something, not eating a bite, trying to get through another job or an event. I wanted to look perfect and seem perfect and have everyone want me or want to be me, but there wasn't anything left of myself. I knew that. I wasn't an idiot. I knew the lifestyle bled me dry.

I also knew that my parents moved for my sole benefit. They could make tons of excuses, saying that all needed a fresh start, but no one else was floundering. Dad had produced some major films over the past few years, and his name was really garnering some clout. Mom managed to get two of her scripts made into small art house films in one year. Jas was Mr. Cool, pure rock and roll and sliding by. He was on his way to college; he was actually going to make something of himself. He may have been at the same parties as me, and hanging with some of the same crowds, but he was still separate from it all.

I, on the other hand, had been on a steady downward spiral. I didn't like to think about the path my life was taking, but it was hard not to. I was on the verge of having a Britney or Lindsay sized meltdown; my career was a joke, drugs were my only friends, and I couldn't even pass home school classes. I was about to burn out before I even became legal.

So, my parents did what they had to do. Dad walked away from his studio job, and Mom claimed she'd wanted to work on a novel anyway. Jas was easy like the breeze and said he didn't care. I knew he missed his friends and all the benefits that came with being a Hale in Hollywood, but he let it go without complaint. They all did it for me, and I felt like a fucking spoiled brat. I was in a new place, where I could start over, and I was trying to do the same old shit. I was still popping pills and trying to land guys I didn't care about. I was pathetic, and everyone knew it.

Jas and Alice were talking quietly, but I spoke over them. "Why has no one spoken to me? Are you the only one who knows who I am?"

I didn't want to sound like a narcissistic bitch, but it came out that way regardless. Jas looked at me and rolled his eyes, looking like he knew the "Isabella Hale Show" was about to start.

"Everyone knows who you are, Bella," Alice said uncertainly. She looked at me like I was crazy before continuing. "We all knew you were coming. The principal announced it over the intercom, and we were told for three days straight that we were to pretend you were no one special. The teachers told us that anyone who caused a scene would get suspended."

Jas whipped his head around to look at Alice in surprise. I didn't know what to say, so I settled for, "What the fuck?"

"Principal Greene said the school wouldn't tolerate any disruptions. He actually seemed kind of pissed that you were coming here," she mused. My jaw dropped and suddenly I wanted to throw a Christian Bale sized fit.

"How dare he? If he had a fucking clue he'd realize how lucky he is to have Jas and I here—if we're so—if I'm so—if he doesn't want me to—I don't want to be here, either!" I shouted, unsure where everything within me was coming from. I felt things bubbling up and I just wanted them to go the fuck back down.

"Shit, Bella, you're freaking out," Jas hissed at me. "Calm down. Do you have to be so fucking dramatic?"

"I'm not being fucking dramatic, Jas, I'm just tired of everyone wanting something else…or wanting someone else…just wanting me to…Goddamn it," I choked out. I couldn't seem to get my thoughts to feelings in line. Everything felt so fast in my head, and my heart was racing.

Jas reached out and grabbed my hand, which I hadn't noticed was trembling violently. Alice's eyes were wide as she viewed my almost-tantrum. My whole body felt like it was vibrating.

"Bell, you need to…" he said quietly, not finishing the statement. He looked me in the eye and I knew what he meant.

"Get me a pack of crackers out of the machine," I told him. "I have to go to my locker."

He nodded, and stood immediately. As he made his way over to the vending machines, I looked at Alice apologetically. My brain was whirring too quickly, and my mouth felt like it might not work anymore, but I managed to tell her that I'd see her later.

When I stood from my table, I could see that a vast majority of the other students were watching me. I didn't know how loud I had gotten, but I prayed they didn't all realize how messed up I was. I weaved through the tables, my knees knocking together, and I felt like breaking into a run but I fought it back.

I saw a flash of red-brown hair and I looked up to see Edward's quizzical eyes fixed on me. I looked down as quickly as I could and made my way to the hallway, desperate for a downer. I got to my locker and pulled out the small makeup bag I kept stashed there. I found my little friend, oxycodone, and swallowed it dry. I then painstakingly applied lip-gloss as though that was what I planned to do all along.

By the time I smacked my lips together satisfyingly, Jas appeared with a pack of crackers. I ate two of the small peanut butter bites and tossed the rest into my locker before locking it. I probably needed to find out what sort of lengths the local PD goes to looking for drugs at school.

"Bell, you can't be doing that shit here, I'm serious. I thought maybe this place would be good for you," he told me. The disappointed look in his eyes made me want to curl up in a ball and hide away from him. I knew the entire family was hoping I'd be able to pull myself together, but it'd barely been two weeks since I left LA. It was too soon. I needed more time.

"It will be, just give me a little fucking time, okay? This isn't something I can just…stop cold turkey," I told him in an attempt to explain. "I'm trying."

"I know you are. But you can't start screaming in the middle of the cafeteria and expect no one to notice. You can't pull that shit. I know you don't want everyone to think you're a freak."

"Maybe I am."

"No, you're not. You're just confused."

"I am confused. And I'm a joke. I'm washed up already. This isn't—I'm probably never going to be normal. I hope you know that," I said, looking everywhere but at him. I caught the cold blue eyes of Rosalie as she smiled indulgently at me. The bell rang before Jas could say anymore. I'd already heard his lectures before. I needed to try to keep it together, at least for him. I didn't want to scare Alice away.

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**Hit me up on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**

**Next update Monday!**


	4. Chapter 4

**So, here's the highly anticipated Edward POV. I think this will give you a lot more insight, and you might be surprised by what you find...**

**The plan at this point is to have an EPOV every few chapters. Unless I specify otherwise, all chapters are still Bella's POV. There will be a little backtracking, but I don't want to just do a retelling, so you'll get some new scenes and whatnot. Okay, enough of that. On to the good stuff!**

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**Edward**

_Wait—what did he just say?_

_No. No way. It must be someone else with her name._

I looked around the classroom and could tell by the excited chatter that I'd heard correctly.

Isabella Hale.

The Isabella Hale was coming to Havre.

I was screwed. Alice would surely never let me hear the end of it.

xXx

As suspected, Alice was waiting at my locker, ready to pounce.

"So, are you…you know…dying?" she asked, the restraint she was trying to employ showing on her face. "I am! This is amazing. And _you_ get to meet her after all these years! Do you still have that poster?"

I wanted Alice to shut the hell up before someone heard her. I didn't want to become the center of attention again, and I didn't need Rosalie to come sniffing back around. If she felt threatened, she'd want to mark her territory.

"Alice, stop," I ordered. "That was years ago, and besides, she's not…she's all…cracked out or whatever. She looks like shit now."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Sure, Edward. And you just like reading _People_ magazine for the human-interest articles. Keep telling yourself that. You were practically obsessed with her—"

"No, I wasn't! I was fifteen and had a crush on an actress. It passed. No big deal." If Alice mentioned that magazine shit any louder, I had no doubt the rumors would star back up.

It was obvious that Alice wasn't going to give up, however.

xXx

It was D-Day. There was a possibility that nothing in my life would change. Or my very own personal hell would begin. I was positive nothing good would come out of Isabella starting school here.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to deduce that Havre was possibly the most boring town on earth, and now one of the most talked about celebrities in the world had to settle in it. Whether Isabella lived up to the persona she put off or not, she would hate this place. I hated this place, but that was due to the population more than anything else. I liked the lifestyle my parents brought us up in, and had plans to continue it. I just needed to survive high school first.

I was on my way to English class when I saw her. She looked exactly like the pictures, but at the same time, nothing like them. Everything about her was more pronounced. Her eyes were more striking, her hair bigger and longer and darker, and her frame frailer. And she was tiny. Taller than Alice, but she probably weighed less.

She was wading through the crowded hallway, obviously trying to figure out where to go. The principal's warnings had been effective; not a single soul approached her or offered her help.

I fleetingly thought I could go assist her, but instead I turned the corner, away from Isabella. I needed to get that stupid fluttery feeling in my stomach to go away.

I took my seat in English, and the empty seat in front of me sent my mind into a tailspin.

_Maybe Isabella has this class. Maybe she'll sit in front of me. Maybe she'll need help with her homework._

_Maybe she'll notice me._

I shook my head, annoyed at myself. I focused on pulling out my notebook and the previous night's assignment. I didn't hear Mr. Taft greet her, or direct her to my row, but I felt her approach.

It was like all of the time and energy I'd put into thinking about her, and subsequently, trying to forget her, was wrapped around her. It hit me before I'd even looked up, but when I did, it was like sparks and electricity and a bright glow radiated from her. With every step closer, it washed over me until it was nearly unbearable.

Her eyes were focused on her feet, and when she sat down, with her back to me, it was like some popped my balloon. She didn't see me. And all I could see was her.

She smelled good, like sweet cream and money. Fame. Celebrity. It poured off of her in waves, and I felt insubstantial. Her hair looked perfect and shiny, and the tips of it pooled on my desk. The urge to touch it was so strong that I got pissed. I stealthily scooted my desk back and watched as the strands slipped away.

It took a lot of effort to not stare at the back of her head. Or to not notice the sharp points of her shoulders. Or the way she tapped her fingers on her book. Mr. Taft asked her a question, but her eyes were fixed on the window beside of us. I saw a look of exasperation on his face, so I poked Isabella between her shoulder blades with my pen. She jumped slightly and looked at me over her shoulder. I turned my eyes toward Mr. Taft and inclined my head. Her eyes did one more quick scan of my face before she looked at the teacher.

I felt my skin light up like a damn Christmas tree, and it was like I was a pre-teen girl on the inside.

Isabella Hale looked at me. Right at me.

Mr. Taft asked if anyone could lend Isabella their class work from the previous week, and no one volunteered. I waited several seconds before hastily raising my hand, and Mr. Taft thanked me with a sigh. I gathered my papers into a neat stack, touching them to Isabella's arm to get her attention. I could feel sweat breaking out in the middle of my back. I'd been reduced to a shaky, twitchy mess in the span of seconds.

I thought she would just take the papers from me, but she shifted in her seat and looked at me once more. I saw her brown eyes drift from my hair to my eyes, and I blushed. She looked away but said a quiet thank you. I nodded, still too nervous to speak.

The bell rang and I stood quickly, hoping to not make a fool of myself. Isabella stood, her face cast down as she looked at her shoes, and she told me she'd give me the papers back tomorrow. I gave an aloof response, surprised by how shy she appeared, and the way she was nervously shuffling her feet. I thought about how confused she looked in the hallway earlier, and before I could talk myself out of it, I asked her what her next class was.

Her eyes lit up and she pulled out her schedule hurriedly. She told me she needed to go to Mrs. Martin's and approached me so enthusiastically that I spooked. I stammered out where the classroom was, hitched my backpack higher on my shoulder, and darted out of the room.

I didn't have any more classes with her, to my disappointment, but I saw her at lunch. She and her brother sat alone, both looking either disillusioned or just plain aggravated. Alice and her friends all giggled around me, talking about how hot Jasper was, and I wished I had somwhere else to sit.

It wasn't until after school that I saw her up close again. She was in front of me as I walked to my car, and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She moved gracefully, clearly trained, and her posture was perfect. She had an okay figure, though she appeared much curvier in pictures. She almost looked tomboyish in person.

She slowed as she approached a well-kept old Camaro which was parked next to my Volvo. My parents had sold a tractor and one of their trucks to buy a dependable car for Alice and I. Alice was as careless with it as she was anything else, but I tried to keep it looking good.

I was so focused on watching Isabella move that I almost plowed into her. After saying, "Excuse me," and walking around her, I glanced up to find her looking at me. She smiled and thanked me for loaning her the class work. I was momentarily dazzled, but I couldn't help but wonder who I was looking at: Isabella, or _Isabella Hale, Hollywood Actress._

In another moment of weakness, I found myself telling her my father's name, so she had my home number if she needed it. I kept averting my eyes, unable to take her in for longer than a second.

She got the most peculiar look on her face, and I knew she wouldn't call. Who the hell was I kidding? I was a nobody, from Nowhere, Montana.

She thankfully got into her car, and I saw Alice and Rosalie approach. I could see that Alice was practically foaming at the mouth, ready to gossip, but she knew to keep quiet in front of Rose.

Rose glared at the retreating Camaro before turning to me. "God, she's even more awful looking in person."

I thought Isabella was the most striking person on the planet, but I wasn't going to tell Rose that, so I just shrugged. Alice rolled her eyes as she opened the passenger door.

"What are you doing tonight?" Rose asked. I racked my brain for a lie to tell her. We'd broken up the previous month, but Rose was like a bad cough I just couldn't shake. Not that I really tried to ditch her; she was the only thing keeping me afloat at school, and I owed her a lot.

"I am way behind in English," I told her. "So, I'll be busy. Sorry."

Rose acted put out, but I could see that she didn't really care either way. I wasn't deluded enough to think that she really cared about me, or I her, for that matter. It was convenient to have the Queen Bee on my side, and it had saved me when she asked me out.

We said our goodbyes, and Alice waited until we pulled out of the parking lot before she turned to me with her eyes bulging out of their sockets.

"Oh, my God, you were talking to Isabella! Do you have class with her? What did she say? I can't believe you didn't mention anything at lunch! Come on, come on," she urged.

"She sits behind me in English; I let her borrow some work from last week, that's it," I said succinctly. Alice's face fell slightly, but she recovered.

"Well, she was smiling at you, so that's good," she pointed out. "Wow, I can't believe it. You might really have a chance!"

"I don't have a chance with Isabella Hale! I don't even want a chance. What about Rose?" I asked half-heartedly. I didn't give two shits about Rose, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

"Rose is a bitch who doesn't deserve to lick your muddy boots! You should've heard her when she saw Isabella talking to you. She is so…ugh, just full of herself. So, anyway, what else did Isabella say? Did you talk to Jasper?" Alice was so hungry for information, and I hated that I didn't have any to give her. She huffed when she realized nothing more had happened.

Later that night, after finishing my homework, I opened my desk drawer and pulled out two folded sheets of paper. It was a magazine clipping Alice had given me a year and a half ago. Isabella was featured in an article about the film she was doing at the time, and the photo featured was the most natural, beautiful picture I'd ever seen of her. She looked normal, and girl-next-door, and I wanted her so badly…like that.

I wasn't sure how to reconcile the girl I'd fallen for with the girl I'd met today. The girl I liked didn't even really exist; the real Isabella was now photographed falling down drunk, flashing the paparazzi, and hanging on the arms of the most disgusting looking guys I'd ever seen. I was embarrassed to even admit I thought she was pretty now. And I hated that. I hated that she'd become that, but who was she to me? Someone on a cover. Not a real person.

Seeing how she was today, the one that was sort of bashful and lonely, that was different. Seeing her like that made me want to know more about her, but I hated the fact that she made me feel that way. I put the picture away, shutting the drawer, and turning around. I needed to forget about the glimpse of Isabella I'd seen, and just focus on getting through the next two years. I could put up with Rose and manage until I graduated, and then I would be fine.

I would be fine.

xXx

I was determined not to pay as much attention to Isabella, so I didn't look up when she walked in the room. I talked to the guy sitting next to me until the bell rang, finding out he was actually sort of nice, and one of the only guys who didn't still avoid me. Once I straightened up in my seat, Isabella handed me the papers back and thanked me, her eyes staying on me as I looked forward at the board.

"Yep," I muttered, hoping she would turn back around. I didn't want to get caught in her gaze again, or say something stupid. I needed to ignore her. A few seconds passed and she finally faced forward.

Partway through class, I saw her head turned to the side, and I couldn't help but try to see what she was staring so intently at. I looked to the right, and saw that Garrett was blushing as he glanced back at Bella once more. I saw her smile widely at him, and I wanted to hit something.

I hated that guy. I fucking _hated_ that guy.

It didn't surprise me that Isabella would pick the biggest mother-fucking douche in the school to lust after. That was the way my life went. The guy tormented me for almost two years, and here was a fucking movie star practically drooling over him. The anger building up inside of me was almost too much to deal with, and I gripped my pen in my hand until my knuckles turned white.

After the bell rang, I caught Isabella smiling at the fucker once more, so I leaned forward and whispered in her ear.

"His name's Garrett. I'm pretty sure he likes you." I was surprised my voice sounded relatively normal, considering I was absolutely seething.

If that was the kind of guy she was drawn to, she probably deserved him. She was a drugged up joke anyway. I didn't know why I wasted my time. There wasn't anything behind her mask worth knowing.

I hauled ass out of there and spotted Rose immediately. "Hey, I'll see you at lunch, yeah?"

She looked surprised for a second, but then nodded smugly. "I'll save you a seat."

I didn't want to endure thirty minutes of listening to the entitled slut brigade whine and pout, but I needed to keep things moving with Rose so I didn't wallow over the Isabella crisis. Nothing had even happened and I was throwing a shit fit. I needed to man up.

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**Hoped you liked that little glimpse into Edward :)**

**Hit me up on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**

**BTW, I don't own Twilight.**


	5. Chapter 5

**We're back for another Bella chapter! I'm glad you all liked seeing from Edward's POV. Warning, this chapter is a little rough.**

**I don't own Twilight.**

**Song rec: "Ana's Song" by Silverchair - yes, I'm going back...way back.**

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The rest of the day passed in a haze. The oxy managed to bring me back down, and I only felt a little sluggish when my last class was over. I walked slowly toward the parking lot, taking my precious time, when I spotted Garrett standing by a large, muddy truck. I made the hasty decision to at least say hello to him. I hadn't decided yet if I wanted to follow through with chasing him, but I needed to at least keep him hanging around so he'd be available. A couple more days of being frozen out by the rest of the student population would probably leave me in need of some…affection.

"Hey, Garrett," I said as I passed him. His eyebrows shot up his forehead and he pursed his lips. His almost-black eyes followed me as I continued walking by.

"H-hi, Isabella," he stuttered.

"You can call me Bella," I told him with a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded mutely and I continued on my path. I saw Jas waiting for me again, but he wasn't alone. Alice stood next to him, her eyes fixed on me as I approached. I saw Edward off to the side by his car that was once again parked next to us.

"Are you feeling better, Bella?" Alice asked, concern evident on her face.

"Uh, yeah, thanks," I murmured. "Sorry about…earlier."

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," Alice argued.

"I asked. You were just being honest. It's fine, really," I insisted. Even though Edward kept his distance, I could tell from the tilt of his head that he was listening to what was being said.

"Do you have problems with your blood sugar?" I looked at Alice with a blank expression on my face as I tried to figure out where she was going with her question.

"Um, well, I—"

"She does, but she doesn't like to make a big deal out of it. She just needs to make sure she eats lunch from now on," Jasper said, his eyes communicating more than what he was saying. "It's tough when she gets shaky like that. It would be awful to pass out at school."

"Yeah, talk about embarrassing," I added, quickly picking up what he was trying to tell me. I needed to play off the blood sugar thing as best I could. There was no point in fueling any rumors that might start after my little performance in the cafeteria. Luckily, I had lots of acting experience, and seemed to convince both Alice and Edward of why I was so keyed up at lunch.

"Did you go by Ms. Miller's room and get a script, Bella?" Alice looked so excited at the prospect of me acting in the play; I knew I needed to get my shit together so I could do that for her.

"Shoot! I forgot. I'll get it tomorrow. I'm kind of familiar with the story already, though," I told her.

"I have an extra one in the car," she said as she looked at Edward. "Will you unlock the doors, please?"

Edward hit a button on the keyless entry remote in his hand. I followed Alice over to the passenger door and watched as she dug around in the floorboard. I couldn't help but laugh at the mess—there had to be over twenty papers, two Styrofoam cups and a few empty candy wrappers covering the bottom.

"Ridiculous, isn't it?" Edward asked from behind me. "Technically we share the car, so Alice here refuses to clean up the passenger side."

"Something in this vehicle should represent me, Edward! We're not all anal and OCD," she yelled as she stood triumphantly with a wrinkled script in her hand. I was happy that Edward was actually speaking to me, and I couldn't help but delight in Alice's naturally effervescent nature. Just as I reached for the script with a large smile on my face, Edward spoke and brought me right back down.

"I'm sure _Isabella Hale_ has no interest in a little school play, Alice," he said condescendingly. He made my name sound like a curse word. "But that's sweet that you tried."

Alice's smile fell from her face, and I wanted to punch Edward right in his sac. I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth, but managed to keep myself from blowing up. There was no reason to get riled up over one stupid comment. I squared my shoulders and stepped forward to take the script that Alice now held down at her side.

"Actually, this is exactly the kind of thing I need right now. This would be perfect," I said to no one in particular. "It's not like I was doing anything of worth in L.A. anyway, right?"

I hoped my attempt at self-deprecating humor would help alleviate some of the sudden tension.

"And I prefer to go by Bella," I said to Edward before I started flipping through the script. "Are they many guys here that will try out for Sydney, Alice?"

"There's a few that always do the musicals…they're not very good, I'm sorry to say," Alice answered with a grimace.

"You know who would be the perfect Sydney…someone who has a great voice…and can act really, really well…" I said as I turned to look at Jas. He ignored my statement and started looking around at the other cars. "Aw, come on, Jas—you'd be great!"

"But then you wouldn't get to be Audrey," Alice pointed out. It was true, I wasn't about to do some incestuous Angelina Jolie brother kiss.

"I could be one of the doo-wop girls, it doesn't matter," I told her. Alice looked a little crestfallen, so I tried to cheer her up. "But Jas here will probably need a lot of work…he hasn't done anything like this is a while."

Alice's spirits lifted immediately and she smiled widely. I had a feeling Jas would try out just to see her smile like that more often.

"You know Rose will want to be Audrey anyway, Alice," Edward interjected.

"You're right, you're right. We'll talk about it later. Um, do you think, uh, would it be okay if I called you later to go over all of this, uh, play stuff?" Alice looked at me fearfully, like I could crush her very hopes right then and there. Even if no one else liked me in the entire school, Alice did. That made me feel marginally better, so I quickly asked for her phone and punched my number into it. We said our goodbyes and got into our respective cars.

The ride home consisted of Jas and I reliving some of our less-than-graceful stage moments from when we were children. We'd both had horribly awkward phases, mine thankfully hitting before I was eleven. Jas had to suffer through his from age thirteen to sixteen. In the past two years, he'd managed to grow into his lanky frame and his face slimmed down. Before, he'd been an anomaly of skinny arms and knobby knees with chubby cheeks and dishwater blonde hair. He started getting highlights to make his hair look more honey blonde, and soccer managed to give him some meat on his bones.

I looked at his profile as he drove us home, and I couldn't help but notice the difference a year makes. His jaw was stronger, his brow a little more prominent, and his nose was developing the infamous Hale bump.

He looked more like our real dad every day, and I was sad that he'd never get to see us graduate or grow old or fall apart. Even if times were bad, it would still be good to have him.

But I didn't let thoughts like that fester for too long. Charlie was a great dad to us—the only one we'd known, and he never treated us like we weren't his own. I'd called him Dad since I was three, and I wouldn't hesitate to have him walk me down the aisle one day, if I made it that far.

When we drove down the long driveway leading to our house, I saw our mother outside, wandering along the perimeter of the property. She'd been exploring since we got home, trying to decide what to do with the land. She was considering getting a couple of horses, or possibly creating the largest flower garden anyone had ever seen.

"Jas, let me out. I'll walk back with Mom," I told him. He slowed the car down to allow me to hop out, and my mom looked rather surprised to see me approaching her. I hadn't really had that much contact with her since we'd moved. I'd been pouty and sullen for the first week, hateful and rude for a few days after that, and then bordered on depressed. I felt somewhat better after my second day at school, but things were just so different. Everything changed so quickly, and I lost my equilibrium.

"Hey, hon," she said as I approached. She rested her arm gently around my shoulders when I got beside of her. She looked so hesitant and tentative—it filled me with a surge of guilt. No one really knew how to act around me, or what was okay to say. I had taken to lashing out whenever I felt like it, and no one was safe.

But as I looked up at my barely-aging mother and saw the love she had for me written on her face, I wanted nothing more than for my mommy to hold me and stroke my hair and make everything better. I buried my face in the crook of her neck, her short hair batting against my forehead, and I tried not to cry. I didn't want to, but her smell was so familiar and flashes of what I'd put them through came to mind and I couldn't help it.

And she did what I knew she would. She shushed soothingly in my ear and touched my hair and held me close to her, but didn't ask any questions. We stood there for a few minutes, our twin bodies comforting the other, and I felt the grief of…everything…trail down my face. I leaked all of my self-loathing and anxiety and paranoia and demons onto my mother's knit shirt, and I hoped it stayed there. I didn't want to carry it anymore. I felt shameful and ruined and broken and I wanted to be innocent and carefree, but that was gone. That part was lost for good. I cried for the things I'd never get to experience the right way. I cried for wanting more when I had so much. I cried for getting what I thought I wanted and hating it.

I just cried.

Eventually my tear ducts stopped working. My eyes felt puffy and raw, my throat was thick with mucus and my head hurt. I pulled back and saw my mother's face suddenly older than it had been moments before. She looked weary and worried and overworked. She looked like a mother with a problem child. I never wanted to be that. I never wanted to do that to her, but it was too late to take it back. I wanted to try again, and I hoped she'd let me.

"Why don't we go start dinner?" she asked softly. I agreed, and the two of us turned and headed back towards the house. I told myself I would eat normal portions at dinner, and I wouldn't take any more pills that night. I was determined to make this better.

Jas and I felt like little kids again as we sat at the kitchen table, doing our homework, while our mother cooked dinner. Our dad was locked away in his study, preparing for his trip to L.A. that upcoming weekend, so we hadn't seen him much. I initially begged to go with him for the premiere of the latest movie he produced, but I wasn't that upset not to go anymore. I thought for sure Jas would go, since one of his friends had a supporting role in the film, but he seemed to be set on staying.

I saw my brother's keen eyes searching my face periodically as I tried to finish my homework, but he didn't ask any questions. I didn't think anyone knew how to take me. Once dinner was ready, the four of us sat down like we were in the fifties and ate together. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me when both of my parents watched how much I ate, but it got to be too much. I sighed heavily and let my fork clank against my plate.

I put my elbows on the table and hide my face from them; I was tired of the way they looked at me. They were trying to read me and find out all of my secrets. I was sure they all knew what was going with me, but I wanted them to stop peering into me. Hot, angry tears formed in my eyes and it made me even madder that I was crying again.

"I know you all think I'm crazy, and I'm trying really hard not to lose it, but you've got to stop watching me," I said, my voice muffled by my hands. There were no sounds around the table. Everyone stopped chewing and breathing, just waiting for me to crumble or explode. I didn't give them the satisfaction, and I held my position.

"I know it's tough, Bell, to…withdraw," my father began softly. I winced at the word. I was dealing with some withdrawal since I was cutting back, but I hadn't quit yet. That was almost unfathomable to me, because I knew how hard it would be. "But we want to help you. We'll do anything. I know you've refused before, but would you consider detox now? Now that you can see how hard it is to do on your own?"

"I don't want to go to some clinic and sit around with a bunch of users talking about how much I hate myself! I'm such a cliché already, I can't go to rehab!" I nearly screamed. My hands fell away from my face and I saw the reactions on each person's face. Jas looked disappointed, again, and Dad looked resigned. Mom looked heartbroken. I could feel myself getting lower and lower, and I knew if I didn't take my pill soon I'd crash too hard.

"Bella, you can't do this by yourself—let us help you," my mom pleaded. "I've done a lot of research and we can wean you off but it's going to take some time and work and you've got to trust us to help."

"I don't need any help, and I don't need to be weaned off of anything," I lied bluntly. The thought of letting them try to help me, seeing what I've been doing all of this time, made me panic. I wanted to get out of that room and lock myself away and take my pill and feel better. If they knew everything that I had, they wouldn't want to help me anymore. They wouldn't want me at all, anymore.

As my eyes slid over to where my messenger bag lay, Jas saw and jumped out of his chair. Once I realized what he was doing, I ran after him, screaming unintelligibly. His hands dug quickly through my things, searching for my small makeup bag that I kept with me at all times. I heard chairs scraping and plates clattering, feet approaching, but all I could focus on were my brother's traitor hands searching for my lifeline.

I couldn't control my fists as they pounded against his back and the side of his face, nor could I stop the tears from pouring from my eyes. I felt my mother's arms wrap around me and pull me down to the floor. I struggled and squirmed, and when I got one arm free, I elbowed her hard in the mouth.

My mom, however, was still stronger than me, and she rolled me over until I was beneath her on the floor. She sat straddling my chest, holding me down, blood trickling from her lip, and I couldn't quit. I fought against her until images of my childhood came flooding back to me. I remembered her chasing me around for fun, tickling me and holding me down while I laughed uncontrollably. I remembered looking up at her and seeing her smile widely at me, so happy and normal, but now all I saw was her tear-streaked face and a fat lip. I did that to her, and it killed me.

I lost the will to fight, and my arms went limp. I saw Jas hand my cosmetic bag to my dad, and I saw the looks on their faces. I saw my dad's confusion when he saw all the different little pills I had in there.

I couldn't hear what anyone was saying; it was like my body was present but my mind, my mind went somewhere else. I realized I wasn't lying on the floor anymore. I was on the couch, and my brother—the one who betrayed me—was next to me, holding a bag of frozen vegetables to his eye. My mother was on the other side of him, holding a paper towel to her lip. My father was on the phone. I felt like dying. I felt like…vanishing so they wouldn't have to worry anymore. I was ruining everything.

I didn't realize I was vomiting until it was too late to get to the bathroom. I leaned over and retched on my feet. The burn in my throat helped bring me back to the present, and I heard my mother speaking to me.

"It's okay, baby, we'll get through this together," she said as she tried to clean up the puke from the carpet. I knew I would just throw out my shoes instead of trying to clean them. I looked up and saw that despite everything, despite the fact that I hit her, made her bleed, made her cry, my mom still wanted to help me. I could see behind the worry in her eyes to the love she had for me anyway. I was messed up, but she loved me anyway.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I whispered, eyeing her swollen lip. She shook her head like it was nothing and I just wanted to cry some more. I turned to face my brother, the one I was so angry at, but I didn't want him to be hurting, either. "I'm sorry, Jas."

He lowered the bag from his eye, and I could see it was swelling and turning blue. The entire side of his face was red and marked, and I worried what he would look like tomorrow. There was a scratch on the side of his neck, raised and bleeding like a cat got him, and I wanted to take it and put it on my own skin. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

"I know," he said simply.

All I wanted to do was sleep, and as my eyelids grew heavier, I heard words like "doctor" and "cancel my trip" and "home school." I wanted to argue, but I was just too tired. I awoke hours later in my bed. I could still hear voices, and the clock showed me that it wasn't even eleven yet. I went downstairs and found the rest of my family sitting around the dining room table, trying to recover from what happened.

"I don't want to home school," I began. My parents' eyes shot up in surprise. "And please, don't make me go see a doctor. Not now."

I guessed they expected more of a fight, so they both just nodded. I knew it wasn't the end of that discussion, but I just wanted a little reassurance. It would be hard enough to stop taking the pills, I didn't need to deal with a bunch of other bullshit, too.

I sat at the table with them, all of us lost in our own thoughts. The silence stretched for a long time before Jas spoke.

"Alice called your phone," he told me. "I talked to her for a little while. I told her you were still feeling sick. She was so worried. She offered to bring you some soup or ice cream or whatever you wanted."

Jas laughed as he told me about Alice. The smile on his face told me what I'd suspected; he was stupid crazy about her already. We grew quiet again.

"Honey, I want to apologize," my mom said, looking directly at me. I felt my eyes widen incredulously at her words. "Your father and I haven't been around much for the past few years, and we let things go too far. We should've done something to help you a long time ago. We're here now, and we're going to focus our energy on getting you better, okay? We won't let you down again."

I was shocked that my parents thought it was their fault; granted, they had both been so busy, I barely saw them most of the time, but they weren't to blame. They hadn't made me do anything. I was simultaneously happy and scared shitless at my mom's vow. It made me feel good that they wanted to help, and that I wouldn't be alone. At the same time, however, the thought of letting someone get that close, or giving up that much control to anyone was frightening. It would be difficult to be honest with them and to allow them to help.

I nodded, uncertain of what else I could do.

"And you're father's not going to L.A. this weekend," she told me.

"What? No, Dad, you have to go—it's, like, your last premiere for a while. You have to go. I'll be fine while you're gone, I promise," I said convincingly. I would feel terrible if he missed the premiere of one of the last films he worked on to stay with me. "Mom and Jas will be here. Don't miss this for me."

I already felt low enough, and realizing how hard this was on my family, and how much everyone was giving up for me made me sink even deeper. My dad was reluctant to agree, but after some prodding from both Jas and I, he didn't fight us. I went to bed shortly after that, hoping to sleep away the festering emotions that were littering my insides. I felt more exposed than I ever had, and I felt ugly. Truly ugly. I was the kind of person that lost control and threw shit-fits and busted my mother's lip. I was the kind of person I hated. I hated myself.

Sleep overtook, and my dreams were empty that night, and I awoke feeling even worse about myself. I couldn't believe it was possible, but it was.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Good Monday, everyone! This is a pretty short chapter, but don't worry, I'll be back on Friday to help fill the void. I appreciate the response I got to the last chapter - it was definitely a heavy one, but I'm glad you all are invested in this story.**

**I don't own Twilight**

**Song rec: "Beautiful Sorta" by Ryan Adams**

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My mother greeted me with breakfast and an Adderall pill. She was starting me off at only one pill per day, then going to one every thirty-six hours after a couple of weeks. It would be a slow decline, but it would be difficult. I'd be crashing most every afternoon, and I feared my schoolwork would show that. If I made it through the end of the day, I could at least get home before I lost it. I was already feeling nauseous, but I forced down one pancake and a small glass of milk before swallowing my pill. Halfway to school, I started to feel clear and right again, which was scary. I hated that I only felt normal when I was on something; I hated that my actual, physiologically normal self was so messed up and wrong.

"Do you think the paps will find out where I am?" The question had been plaguing my mind since we'd moved, and I hoped Jas wouldn't bullshit me.

"Probably. It's only a matter of time before someone mentions you on their Facebook or puts a picture on a blog…they'll find you eventually," he said truthfully. "But you were pretty quiet there before we moved, so you didn't give them a reason to follow you."

"Could you imagine a bunch of 'em sitting out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for me to get out of the car and walk across a parking lot? I'm glad there's not much to do here. It'd be hard to get into trouble," I pointed out. "I'm still mad at you, by the way."

"I know you are. I'd rather you be mad at me for the next forty years than lose yourself to this in a matter of months. I'd rather you hate me," he explained.

We were both silent after that. When we got to school, I was surprised to see Alice and Edward waiting for me.

"Are you feeling any better today, Bella?" Alice's eyes were truly worried, and I smiled to satisfy her.

"Yeah, I just needed a good night's sleep, I guess," I told her. Edward looked at me appraisingly, but said nothing. "How are you two this morning?"

"Great! Um, I was wondering if you wanted to come over sometime to our house? Maybe one night this week, or on the weekend?" Alice looked so nervous to ask me. "You can see the ranch firsthand."

I racked my brain quickly, deciding that I wouldn't be up for anything like that in the evening, but that the weekend would probably be fine.

"Sure, this weekend. Uh, Jas, can you take me?" I looked at my brother and saw him nod. "I don't have a license." I felt the need to explain.

"Oh! Oh, I didn't know. You're both welcome to come over, then," Alice said, trying hard not to look at Jasper for too long. I could tell that she really wanted to hang out with him, but probably didn't want to be the one doing the asking.

"Great," I heard Jas say before he and Alice started chatting amiably.

"So, were you able to get your homework done? Since you were sick, and all," Edward asked quietly, not looking directly at me, but facing me.

"Uh, yeah, pretty much," I answered, trying not to relive much of the night before at all. I wanted to block all of that from my memory forever. Just as the thought passed through my mind, I heard Alice gasp loudly.

"Jasper, is that a bruise?" She was looking directly at the dark mark covering the corner of Jas's right eye. His hair almost covered it, but Alice apparently didn't miss anything. "What happened?"

"You'll laugh," he said. He was able to keep a lighthearted tone to his voice, whereas I felt dragged down suddenly, and wanted to force my body to melt right into the pavement. "I was helping my mom put some stuff away, and she was on a step ladder, and I got too close to her. She elbowed me right in the eye."

Jas was convincing with his story, and Alice did laugh. He shrugged his shoulders sheepishly, and no one would guess he was lying. I was grateful, but I was also mortified. The moment was interrupted by the click-clack of approaching heels, and I turned to see Rosalie walk up to us. She gave me the hairy eyeball once more before speaking to Edward in a syrupy voice.

"Walk me inside," she demanded, linking her arm through his. I saw his fist clench at his side as he stood his ground. Rosalie tugged harder, but he didn't move. "I said, walk me inside."

"I think it's obvious I'm not going to, Rose," he said quietly, as though he was trying not to embarrass her in front of us.

"Aw, what's got your panties in a bunch this time, Edward? Did you have to get up early to tend to the livestock?" Rose's voice dripped with biting condescension, and I wanted to give her a good tit-punch.

"Jesus! Who the hell do you think you are? We're in the middle of Goddamn Montana, stop walking around like you're God's gift! You're nothing," Alice shouted as she stepped towards Rosalie. Jas and I both stood by in shocked wonder, and Edward looked at his sister with a smile on his face.

The look on Rosalie's face, however, made me fear for Alice's wellbeing. Her eyes flashed hot as blue flames, and her cheeks darkened to crimson. I almost expected steam to pour from her ears.

"So, your new best friend, Isabella, can prance around like a damn diva and you're gonna say that shit to me?" she roared, her eyes flickering to me. "Newsflash, we're in the middle of Montana."

Rosalie's mocking tone grated on my nerves, but I knew she was right. I felt entitled when I arrived, even if it was the middle of nowhere. I held my tongue, hoping her little tirade would be over, but she didn't stop.

"You know, everyone laughed when they told us you were moving here," she said scathingly. "You're a novelty. Once the shine wears off, you'll just be another crack-whore that was famous once."

"I suggest you shut the fuck up now," Jas said in a low voice as he stepped closer to Rosalie. "I've never hit a girl before, but that wouldn't stop me."

I had to hand it to Rosalie—she stood her ground. Her eyes glittered with defiance, and she looked like she might say something else, but she turned and walked away instead. The tension in our little square was so stifling I almost choked.

"I should go to class," I said quietly as I patted Jas on the back. I knew he'd always stand up for me, even when I didn't want him to. "I'll see you at lunch."

Alice said a quiet "Bye," as I walked away. I didn't realize Edward followed until I heard him speak. "Rosalie's always a bitch. To everyone."

I nodded, not looking back as we neared the front entrance. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"She was," he answered succinctly.

"She doesn't really seem like your type," I mused. Rose's words hit a little too close to home, and I really wanted to put them out of my mind.

"What do you think my type would be?" I thought honestly for a few seconds as we meandered through the crowded hallways. When we entered the English room, I waited until Edward was seated before I told him what I really thought.

"Girl next door. Beautiful but has no idea. Smart. Really funny, maybe a smart-ass. Sweet. The whole package I guess," I said, my mind's eye forming a visual of a girl for him. I recognized quickly that I was envisioning a character I knew; it was a part I tried out for and didn't get. The role was generally the opposite of me, though, so I wasn't surprised.

"Hmm," Edward began. "She sounds perfect."

His eyes caught mine for a split second. I laughed. "If I run into her, I'll point her in your direction."

Edward's soft laugh made my heart flutter a little. I hated that he looked so damn good. I hated that he made me feel that way. I hated that I couldn't be his perfect girl. He needed someone innocent and sweet and soft and balanced. He didn't need a problem. He didn't need me.

Edward joined Jas, Alice and I for lunch, but he didn't say much. He always seemed to be off in his own little world, and I didn't want to bother him. I saw Garrett walking by and grinning slyly at me, and I remembered I was supposed to be on Level Two of my attack. After breaking apart last night, and the Rosalie incident before school, I'd forgotten about hooking up with him. I tried to force a grin back at him, but it came out pathetic.

I wanted to keep my eyes away from Edward as he chewed his food thoughtfully, but couldn't. I liked watching the way his jaw worked, and the way his lips seemed perfectly proportioned. His nose was straight and long, but still sat askew on his face. His eyebrows were way too thick, but they still looked great on him. He was the kind of good looking that only got better with time; he would probably wind up like Robert Redford and George Clooney.

Just as I noticed the way his sideburns curled towards his nicely sized ears, he caught me staring. While I scolded myself mentally, I still didn't look away. A nice blush bloomed on his cheeks and he looked back down at his food. His eyes kept darting toward me, seeing if I was still looking, and after a few more of his paranoid glances, I had to giggle.

The sound that came out of me wasn't something I'd done in a while, and it felt…cathartic just to laugh. I kept giggling until I couldn't stop, and my abs started to burn. Edward looked at me like I was crazy, but I could see he was trying to suppress a smile. Alice was grinning widely, and Jas joined in, even though he didn't know why I was laughing. We'd always been able to get the other going without doing a damn thing, and this was no exception. Once I snorted in a very unladylike manner, the rest of the table burst out in huge guffaws.

For a moment, in the middle of laughing uncontrollably, I felt like a little girl again. Or maybe a real adult. I felt different and right and normal, but it passed quickly after the laughter settled. I never told what got me laughing so hard, and no one pressed the issue. Edward went back to focusing on his food, and I went back to staring at him, but with a little more stealth. Jas and Alice continued whatever quiet conversation they were having, and then lunch ended. The bell rang, the magic died, and I had to struggle through three more classes. By the time eighth period rolled around, I felt sick to my stomach and tired. I slept through the entire lesson, even after the teacher called on me and scolded me for sleeping. I laid my face down on my book, and kept my eyes unfocused on the bright sky outside the window until they shut.

The final bell gave me a reprieve. I couldn't help but look forward to going home and sleeping or bitching at Jas or doing whatever I would be doing until I didn't feel like shit. In sixteen hours, I would get another pill. That was enough to get me through.

Jas, Edward and Alice were shooting the shit again when I walked up to them. Alice's eyes looked worried as she took in my appearance; if I looked anything like I felt, I was probably green with huge bags under my eyes. Edward tried to look nonchalant, but I saw the way his ridiculous eyes searched me again. I was getting tired of how he kept trying to pull my secrets out of my skin.

"Let's go," I almost-whispered to Jas. He nodded and said goodbye to Alice as he walked to the driver's side door.

"Hope you feel better, Bella," Alice said softly. Her eyes were trained on the ground, like she didn't want to look at me. I felt guilty for the cold shoulder I'd given her.

"Thanks. I'll, uh, either talk to you later or see you tomorrow. We're still on for this weekend, right?" I asked, hoping she'd light back up.

"Oh! Yeah, of course!" She grinned victoriously as she waved and got in the car. Edward was already sitting with the engine running. I was surprised he found the time to even unlock the car in the midst of the stare down he was having with my weary face.

Once I got in the car, I shut my eyes and tried to will away the nausea that was rising up, but it was no use. I had to ask Jas to pull over so I could puke on the side of the road. I wondered how I would even get through my homework that night. My mind felt like it was shutting down, my eyelids were too heavy to fight, and my throat was on fire.

The idea of having to deal with that every day for the next few months was almost enough to make me try to figure out how to steal my pills back from Mom. But, I knew she wasn't stupid. She wouldn't have them out just anywhere, and I needed to trust her to help me. I was pretty sure she loved me enough to not kill me, even if I felt like I was dying.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Happy Weekend, everyone! I didn't get to answer your reviews, because the site wouldn't let me. Boo. But, you still get a new chapter! Yay. Right?**

**I don't own Twilight, or any recognizable characters.**

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The evening passed so slowly, yet so quickly. It took me forever to finish the few assignments I had, yet it was dark outside before I realized it. Mom made me eat dinner, and then I stared at the TV blankly with Jas for a few hours. I went to bed, and when I woke up in the morning, my entire body was thrumming in anticipation. I couldn't wait to swallow that heavenly pill that would make everything right with the world.

Once breakfast was settled and my drug was taken, my focus got sharper and I could breathe easier. Jas drove us to school in a peculiar silence. Anytime I tried to start conversation, he merely grunted in reply. Eventually I turned up the radio, and allowed my mind to paint pictures to the rocking seventies music I heard. While my mood was steadily lifting, Jas's seemed to be sinking with every mile we drove.

"What's up with you? You seem…upset," I prodded, hoping he wouldn't think I was a snoop. While I was mostly over what he did to me a few nights ago, we still weren't back to our usual banter yet.

"I'm just…I think I really like Alice," he began before hesitating. "But I just don't know if I should…pursue something. She's not like the girls back home, you know?"

"Of course not. She's real," I pointed out. He rolled his eyes and grew quiet for a few minutes. When he spoke again, he changed the subject.

"I talked to Riley last night," he mentioned. I tensed, unsure what he was going to say about our old friend. "He wanted me to tell you he said 'hi'."

"Oh. Hmm. Well, if you talk to him again, tell him I said 'hi' back," I offered, hoping there wasn't anything more to say.

"It's funny—he said he saw you the night before we left."

"He said that," I responded in a monotone voice. I meant to phrase it as a question, but wasn't able to fake the emotion.

"Yeah. It was a short conversation. Well, at least it was after he mentioned getting sucked off in his car after doing a few lines," Jas said in a hard voice. He was pissed. The thought of my brother knowing what Riley and I did that night made me feel sick to my stomach once again, and my previous high was fading quickly. I tapped my fingers restlessly against the side panel of the door, trying to stay cool. "Stop fucking twitching!"

My hand stilled when Jas yelled at me. "Jas," I said softly. There was nothing else I could say.

"I just don't know what the fuck I was doing all these years," he said. His words confused me. "I'm your…Goddamn it. This isn't right."

"What are you talking about?"

"You, Bell! This whole time, I knew what was going on! Mom and Dad didn't have a fucking clue until a few months ago, but I knew. I let you go off with Vic and didn't do a damn thing. I was the only one that could've done something," he ranted. I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault. I wanted to tell him that it was all up to me, that he didn't make me do any of it, that he shouldn't blame himself. I wanted to tell him that I was an adult and made my own decisions. But I couldn't say any of it. There was something blocking my windpipe. I could barely breathe, and the burning feeling behind my eyes wasn't lessening.

A part of me wished Jas could've stepped in. A part of me wanted to be saved.

"I mean, I'm your big brother," he continued softly. His voice cracked and I saw a tear trail down his cheek for the first time since we were children. Jas didn't cry. Jas held everything in, and kept everyone else at bay. He was an emotion eater; he helped everyone feel better. Seeing him like that made me feel like the shittiest bottom-feeder in the world. I had no idea how many people I hurt. I had no idea what I was putting my family through.

"Shit, Jas," I said with a strangled sob. I definitely did not want to go to school crying like a baby, but I couldn't help it. We'd always been close, more like best friends than siblings, but we never actually expressed what we were feeling. We could sit around and talk about religion and politics and war but we never said what was inside. I felt a little too vulnerable all of a sudden. Maybe everyone kept peering at me because I was starting to show. My parents, Jas, Alice, Edward—they all looked at me like I was exposing something.

I couldn't tell if I wanted them to know or not.

By the time the familiar brick building rolled into view, Jas and I both dried our tears. We looked normal, if not a little glum, but we could handle it. We'd both been hiding in plain sight for years.

I found I wasn't surprised at all to see Alice and Edward standing by their car, parked in the same spot as the three days before, waiting for us. Or, at least I assumed they were waiting for us. I put on a smile that only felt half-fake, and got out of the car. Alice greeted me but her eyes quickly sought out my brother, and I knew they were both gone. Edward and I shared a knowing look and resigned ourselves to being paired.

I wanted him. I knew that. I wanted his body, and his face was the kind of face boys in Hollywood prayed for. His face would launch a thousand cologne ads, two indie films and one heartbreaking blockbuster drama. His face would draw the paparazzi from every country and he'd never be left alone again. Girls and old women and everyone in between would stare at his jaw or his mouth or his sideburns or that little mole on his neck and want to lick him. His face would be plastered on laptops and cell phones and walls and his name would be uttered in reverence. His girlfriends would be hated. He would be loved.

I wanted him for all of those reasons, and none of the right ones. He looked good, so I wanted him. He was the best, so I wanted him. He was unattainable, so I wanted him. He didn't act like I was special, so I wanted him; I wanted to show him how special I could be.

But none of those were enough to make it okay to pursue him. It was just like Jas spoke of Alice—she was different, he was different. We couldn't fuck 'em and leave 'em here. We wouldn't be able to disappear and drown in the crowd and just start going to different clubs to avoid them. I would have to commit, and that wasn't something I was in a position to do. I didn't know how.

So we stared and didn't say much and eventually walked to class. Edward pulled out his homework and asked me if I managed to finish mine. I told him I had, but my brain was really second-guessing the work I'd done the night before. I probably sounded like an idiot. I was supposed to answer questions after reading a short story, but I had a hard time reading through the passage.

"Do you want me to check yours?" Edward asked considerately. I wasn't sure if I felt comfortable letting him read my work, but I needed the help. I nodded and handed the paper over, refusing to meet his probing eyes. I didn't want him to read any more secrets from my traitor eyes.

A few quiet moments passed, and I found myself staring out the window, remembering bits of the night with Riley. He always had the best drugs, and his cock wasn't hard to fit in my mouth. He rarely reciprocated, but when he did, stars exploded in my eyes. That was probably why he didn't do it much; he knew what a hot commodity he was, and he was jacking up his own net worth. I could almost feel the burn in my nose and the drip in my throat, but then Edward was talking and I came back to the present.

"Your answers are good," he said, but the way he said it made me think he was holding back.

"But…."

"But not complete. I get what you're saying, and I don't think Mr. Taft will take points off, but they just seem…a little lazy. Or tired," he said hesitantly.

"I was tired when I did it, so that makes sense," I said as I snatched my paper back. "Thanks, though."

"Bella," Edward responded, "do you like it here?"

No one had asked me that since I moved. I hadn't asked myself. It was an easy answer.

"Yes. Very much."

Edward looked at me disbelievingly, so I elaborated.

"It's obviously a total change, but I can't remember the last time I sat down and ate dinner with my parents before we got here. And Jas and I are…we're getting…I don't know," I said, finally looking up to see his exploratory eyes focused on my face. "I like it."

He nodded like he understood exactly what I meant. He always had that look on his face like he knew more than everyone. I didn't know how many secrets he had locked up inside.

Mr. Taft came in just as the bell rang, and Edward and I were in separate worlds for the rest of the day. He didn't sit with us at lunch, and I was the conventional third wheel. Jas made sure I ate something, and Alice talked excitedly about our weekend visit, but I was still a little on my own. I saw something in Jas I hadn't seen before, though, and it made me happy. I wanted to see that light in his eyes more often. I wondered if he'd find someone to highlight his hair in Montana, or if he'd let his natural color grow out. I wondered if I should let my hair go mousey and grow long and wild like the mountains. I wondered how Montana-ized we would get.

I saw Edward walk across the cafeteria with Rose, and I thought about hating her and throwing something at her. I imagined a huge fight in the cafeteria where we both ended up drenched in soda and food and the boys would love our tight t-shirts and the girls would scowl. I realized I was thinking of a specific scene I shot once, and I tried to push it out of my mind, but couldn't. I wanted to take Rosalie down. I wanted her to admit I was better, the queen, royalty, whatever-the-fuck.

My mind wasn't working right through the afternoon, and the way I looked at Rose wasn't the only thing that made me realize it. Jas and Alice's words sounded wrong and I felt like fainting. I got up from my table and moved toward my next class, pretending I didn't seen the blonde vixen on the arm of the boy I wanted in the hall. The next three periods passed blurrily again, but I didn't sleep.

The rest of the day was nothing to me but a few words and a pencil in my hand, replaced by a fork, then replaced by my head. I fell asleep early, but remembered to tell my father goodbye before his trip. I woke up with vigor once more as I remembered that I got to take my pill, and my day flew by. Edward was missing in the parking lot when Jas and I arrived, but Alice was cheery enough for two. I didn't ask about him and Rosalie, and I didn't say anything to him when he came into the classroom right behind me. He didn't speak to me, either.

Edward made an appearance at the lunch table before being whisked away by the Icy-Stare Bitch, and I tried to hold my tongue but couldn't.

"What does he see in her?" I asked in a seething tone. Jas watched me closely, and I knew he recognized the jealousy in my voice. "She seems awful."

"She is awful, but they've been together forever. She's his first _everything_," Alice emphasized. "And that keeps him around. I'm pretty sure his dick is emotionally attached."

Jas laughed heartily at Alice's diagnosis, but I wanted to throw up. The thought of Edward's dick exposed to Rosalie at all made me feel like gagging. I wanted him so badly I could taste it. But thoughts of Edward's dick and tasting made my mind go somewhere it needn't go, so I fake-laughed along with my brother and Alice and pretended it wasn't a big deal that Edward and his dick loved Rosalie.

I threw my plate of food away and walked to class alone. I sat and waited for the bell, alone. I relished the aloneness only for the opportunity to feel sorry for myself. _Poor little rich, famous girl with no real friends, a drug problem and a loose vagina. _Everyone should pity me.

I felt sick the rest of the day, and even having Edward standing by the car, wishing me a good Friday night wasn't enough to turn things around. I looked at his dark forest eyes and tried to send a message through our brains; a message that told him I wanted him and he couldn't stop me but I wouldn't do anything and thinking of him with her made me want to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep.

"See you tomorrow," he said with a smile. I was pretty sure he didn't get my message.

I slept in the next morning and didn't take my pill until after ten. My mother never gave me disapproving looks as I swallowed the thing greedily. I was lucky. Most parents would disown me for the things I'd done, or at the very least, make me go cold turkey. My mother cared enough about my mental wellbeing to try an easier way. She was surprised Jas and I had plans with kids from school. She was happy, happier than I'd seen her in forever.

She asked excitedly if it was double date and Jas snorted at the term but I glowered, knowing I would never get the chance. Jas could go on cheesy double dates or single dates with Alice, and I would be stuck at home, imagining Rosalie's perfect legs wrapped around Edward's waist as his dick gave in to its craving.

I had to stop thinking about Edward's dick so Goddamn much.

Jas followed Alice's directions perfectly, and we were soon pulling down a long, dirt driveway leading to a modest house. I could see a barn behind the main house, and a fence spanning for as far as I could see. The Cullen house was smaller than ours, but more majestic. I wanted to run in the field behind it and see what I found.

Alice greeted us immediately, bounding outside and welcoming us in. Her mom, Esme, might've been the most naturally beautiful person I'd ever seen and something about her screamed "America's Sweetheart." She could've been Julia Roberts before Julia Roberts got big. She could've been famous if she could act; her face was sweet but sexy and her skin barely had a wrinkle. She looked like she always wore sunscreen.

Carlisle, Alice's dad, was like James Dean mixed with a young John Wayne and a jaw that could cut glass. He was tall and broad and looked like he could win a bar fight, but his face was still youthful and his hair flopped on his forehead. He would've been everyone young girl's fantasy in the eighties, and those girls would've grown into women and worshipped him until they died. How a random, secluded family in Montana managed to be the best looking people I'd ever seen, I didn't know.

I followed Alice around as she gave us a tour, and I couldn't help but imagine her on a Disney channel show. She was exuberant and bright, her features dark but lively, and she would be perfectly cute and playful. She could grow a little older and host events before landing a role on a major TV show, and everyone would adore her. They'd talk about how tiny she was and speculate about her potential eating disorder, but she'd be loved because she was down to earth.

I caught sight of a familiar DVD cover as we passed through the living room, and I couldn't help but stop.

"_Lock Box_?" I questioned. "You own this?"

"Of course! I love that movie, though I could barely sleep at night for weeks after watching it," Alice said.

"It's true, she was terrified. She was certain we'd have a home invasion," Edward spoke from the doorway. "You're really good in that, by the way."

The smug smile on Edward's face made me think he was patronizing me, but I didn't question it. I nodded demurely and continued on the tour of the house.

"Are you doing something with Rosalie today?" I found myself asking. I hadn't meant to bring her up, but my jealousy ate away at my insides until I couldn't control anything at all.

"No," he said, looking genuinely puzzled. "Why would I?"

"It's Saturday. Date night," I responded.

"We're not dating."

"Yet you prance around showing each other off at school like a King and Queen," I said, unable to hide the derision in my voice. Edward stopped walking, but I kept going. I heard him mutter to himself before he turned around the way we came. I mentally scolded myself for scaring him off, but I was a little happy I got under his skin. He needed to know how it looked to everyone.

How it looked to me.

We moved outside and started walking around the perimeter of their property, and I swore I saw Jas almost grab Alice's hand. I wore old shoes just in case I got dirty, but their land was green and plush. I could smell the cows before I saw them, but it was kind of cool to see them up close. They were much larger than I realized and I couldn't help but marvel at the species. There were so many animals on the planet, and I didn't know if God existed, but someone had to have come up with all of them. Someone had to dream all of the animals up.

Edward joined us. He didn't look mad anymore, but his eyes barely sought me out. I never liked how he watched me, but when he didn't watch me, my skin felt cold and lonely and I missed his gaze. I wanted him so badly, and the way his jeans fit his hips didn't help. He looked like a simple but generous lover, like he'd make sure I was satisfied before moving on to his needs. Like he'd watch me writhe under him with care, not a greedy ego. I had to stop myself from admiring the dirt on his boots and the hole in his shirt near the collar.

I saw Esme's lovely garden and ate a few fresh berries from the vine. When we went back inside, she asked us to stay for dinner, and after we ate, Alice asked us to stay for a movie. By the time the credits rolled, I was an anxious, lethargic mess and my stomach was rolling. Jas and Alice were in the own little world, and when I staggered on my feet trying to get to the bathroom, Edward's strong hand grasped my arm and helped me. When I got to where I wanted to go, Edward stood at the door as I perched on the edge of the closed toilet seat. His inquisitive eyes were at it once more, roaming and watching and waiting for me to spill.

"What's really going on with you?" He didn't look concerned, just curious. Like he was frustrated he couldn't finish the puzzle, if only for the feeling of completion.

"I've been taking Adderall for a few years," I explained, looking away. "My mom's helping me come off of them. Evenings are hard."

"Ah," he spoke quietly. He cleared his throat and walked away and I wanted to hit myself for telling him. I didn't think I could have him before, but now I knew that I wouldn't. He knew I was nothing but a spoiled fake-socialite, a poser, and a user.

When he wished me a goodnight as I left his house, I thought he'd never talk to me again. I thought it was goodbye.

I was surprised when he called me the next afternoon. He asked me if I was starting to feel sick. He asked if he could help me in anyway, if he could come over or if I wanted him to pick me up. I almost asked, "Is this Edward _Cullen_?" but I didn't want to insult his generosity. When he showed up at our house an hour later with three jars of jam and a movie, I wanted to cry. I didn't get him at all.

Alice was with him, of course, and she bounced around after Jas and met my mother. Mom was smitten with the Cullen children and made too many insinuations to count; she was certain we were double-dating again. Alice and Jas blushed while I looked away uncomfortably. I had no idea how Edward reacted.

After we showed them around, we all sat down and ate snacks and gossiped and they talked loudly, but I didn't mind. I didn't feel that bad.

Edward and Alice didn't seem to want anything from us. Except our company. Edward wanted me a little bit, but not like I wanted him. The back of my neck tingled when I watched his rough hands grab for popcorn. I wanted him to wrap a tendril of my hair around his finger and touch my earlobe. I wanted him to whisper in my ear about nothing. I wanted to feel his thigh against mine as we watched the movie. But then I remembered Blondie and I felt bitter. I couldn't stop myself from leaning closer to him and asking about her.

"So, what's up with you and Rosalie? If you're not dating, then what is it?"

"Complicated," he said resignedly. "It's hard to explain."

"You're stuck on her because she was your first?" I asked.

Edward looked vulnerable for a second. He looked like I felt all of the time. I watched him and I felt the pull to search that soft spot. I understood why he watched me like he did sometimes.

"I guess you could say that," he finally answered. "Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Stuck on your first?" He looked so sincere.

"First what?" I asked with a blank face.

"First…everything. Anything," he answered. He looked afraid.

"That's too far behind me to be stuck on, honey," I told him in my most jaded tone.

"What's it like, being famous?" His eyes were fixed on some other point besides my face.

"It's like trading everything you knew about yourself for fabricated facts. It's like selling your soul to have a name. It's like playing a part. Every fucking day. It's like having the world watch you fail and laugh. It's like…pain," I told him, feeling oddly poetic and honest for once. "But maybe some people do it right. Some people are happy and healthy and not fuckups."

"Everyone's a fuckup sometimes, Bella," Edward pointed out, but he sounded so incredulous, or like his cherry was just popped and he wasn't ready.

"But not everyone does it in front of millions of people. Not everyone's fuckups are photographed for eternity."

I hated being so cynical, but there was no other way to be. Edward looked like he didn't want to let it go, but I turned my attention back to the movie we were barely watching. I knew several of the actors in it personally, and somehow that just made it harder to watch. I was pretty sure one of the leads in the film had gone down on me at a party once; he did a line off both of my thighs before digging in. He was one of those firsts Edward was referencing, but no, I wasn't caught up on that guy. I wasn't caught up on any of them, and I couldn't afford to remember too much about our interactions.

The night came to an end quickly, as it was a school night, and I tried not to linger and watch as Jas stole a kiss. I instead watched Edward watch them, and I wanted so badly to ask him what he was thinking, but didn't. My stomach was starting to roll and I felt suddenly fatigued, so instead of asking for his thoughts, I said a short goodbye and ran inside. I flung myself on my bed and counted backwards from thirty, and I was asleep before I reached the teens.

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**Find me on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**

**Hope you liked the chapter...I know a lot of you were waiting for Edward to find out what was going on, and for him to pull his head out of his ass...**

**I had to edit this post to add that the lovely Sunfeathers started a thread over on Twilighted, so come over and play around for a while!**

http: / www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=12337


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, ya'll! Hopefully this will help your Monday blues. I have to say, I'm a little nervous about this chapter...you might not like it that much, but it's all part of the plan. You trust me?**

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I awoke in the middle of the night, painfully alert and unable to go back to sleep. I pulled out my laptop and looked through some celebrity blogs. All of my old friends were photographed in too-short skirts and too-high heels with drunk, sloppy faces.

A wave of masochism hit and I Googled myself. Instead of sifting through the myriad of blog posts and mini-rants, I clicked over to the "Images" tab and allowed the checkerboard to take over my vision. I saw myself made up and clean at premieres, my hair tight and perfect, my makeup flawless, my dress just the right amount of sexy and professional. Then I saw a younger me, stills from _Lock Box_, and I was plain looking and boyish but the critics loved me. I saw a few shots from Sundance the year I promoted the indie film I starred in, _Blacklisted_, when I went through my leather and chains phase. My hair was way too dark back then.

And then I saw the money shots, the ones that magazines paid for and Perez drew on. The ones that showed my bloody nose, skinned knees, way-too-pouty lips and askew clothing. The ones that caused speculation: where was she and who was she doing? I saw the pictures that always had headlines accompanying them like, "Child Star Goes Wild," or "Was the Pressure Too Much? Growing Up in Hollywood," or "Another Young Starlet Loses Control."

I was such a fucking joke. A laughingstock.

What was worse, no one seemed to notice I was gone. No bloggers were asking where I'd gone, no friends calling to warn me that paps were patrolling, looking for me. In fact, none of my friends had called at all. I kept my L.A. number so they could reach me, yet no one had. I clicked back over to the photo I'd seen before of a few of them out, and the time stamp showed it was the night before. I'd been gone for three weeks and it was like I was never there. I was falling into obscurity. In five years, Bravo would come knocking and I'd be featured on one of those "Where Are They Now?" shows and I'd have to talk about my rampant drug use and how I finally settled down.

I didn't know what was worse, being laughed at, or being forgotten. I'd always heard bad press was better than no press, so I was leaning that direction. I sat in the dark until sunrise, letting meaningless images flash before my eyes. I heard my mother's voice in the hallway, and she was surprised I was up already. I ate a bowl of cereal and took my pill and got ready in a hurry. Everything felt quick and sharp and Jas was a new kind of jumpy I didn't know what to make of. When we pulled into the school parking lot after the quietest drive of all time, I saw why he was so anxious. Alice stood by her car, waiting for him, and her eyes were so bright they looked fluorescent. She looked like she was vibrating inside of her skin.

They greeted each other with face-cracking smiles and I couldn't help but feel the absence of Edward. My mind told me instantly that he was inside with Rosalie already and her blonde hair was hitting his shoulder and he liked it. I bid Alice a good morning and headed inside, upset that I got to school so early only to have no one to talk to.

I went to the English classroom and sat in my desk, looking like a geek but unable to care. When Edward finally appeared, only a breath before the bell, I ignored him. He said my name a second time, but I stayed facing forward. I felt jilted, even though I knew we had no plans to meet before school. I had no claim to him at all, yet I felt dismissed. Class seemed to last forever, and when the bell rang, I only had eyes for Garrett. Edward grabbed my arm and tried to keep my attention, but I jerked away and headed towards my target. I needed to teach Edward that Isabella Hale waited for no man.

But then when I got close to Garrett, I didn't feel like playing a game. I turned back to see Edward looking down as he walked. I stood there in the doorway, my feet planted, and it wasn't until he was about to run over me that he stopped. His face was flushed like he was embarrassed and his eyes held confusion.

"Bella?" he asked simply.

"I don't know," I responded. It was potentially the most meaningful and honest statement I'd ever made. His searching eyes understood and he nodded. We walked down the hall quietly, and when he led me to my locker, I couldn't help but feel perplexed.

"I've seen you here," he explained when he saw the look on my face. We'd never been by my locker together.

"I feel like you've seen everything," I mused, terrified. He didn't miss a thing.

"I feel like there's a whole world I'm not seeing," he told me. He looked a little afraid, too, but I didn't know why.

He sat at our lunch table that day, and he didn't look at or speak to Rosalie once. I figured I'd been mistaken that morning when I assumed they were together; Edward pretended she didn't exist when she walked by us.

"What's up with you guys?" I echoed my question from the night before.

"I told her I'm done," Edward answered, and Alice's head snapped up to look at him. Jas was still leaning closer to her like they were in a little cocoon.

"Did you really?" Alice asked in surprise. Edward nodded. "So the wicked witch is really dead?"

"Ali," Edward warned.

"Pssh. This is big, I'm not gonna pretend it's not! We should celebrate. You need a coming out party," Alice insisted.

"I'm not gay!" Edward declared defiantly. "Or a debutante!"

"But you're single! And you can date anyone you want now," Alice said emphatically, and I saw the way her eyes flickered to me. Did she think Edward wanted me? Or was I just that transparent? Did everyone know how badly I wanted him?

"Alice, it's been, like, three hours! I don't need to jump the next girl I see," he pointed out.

Alice looked directly at me when he said that. "I guess not."

The table grew silent with tension but thankfully the bell rang and we scattered. I pretended the butterflies in my stomach were because of my Adderall wearing off and not because of the conversation at lunch. I pretended I didn't care that Edward was officially free and I wanted him. I focused my time on not falling asleep during class, and by the end of the day, I was toast again. I just wanted to get home but Jas and Alice wanted to "talk" and make out all afternoon, so eventually Edward offered to take me.

There were a few awkward moments where Edward started to talk at the same time I did, and eventually, we both gave up. He turned the radio up and we both started singing along to an old Talking Heads song. His voice was nice and I added that to his resume. Suddenly, we were at my house and I started crying and Edward freaked out. He asked me what was wrong and I didn't know, so I didn't tell him.

"Is this a, um, side effect?" His eyes were wide like saucers and his hands fluttered uselessly in the space between us. I nodded and he nodded and then we went inside. My tears dried when I saw my father sitting at the island in the kitchen. I greeted him and asked him how the premiere went.

"It was fine. A lot of cameras and press and a long movie and a little food after," he said with a laugh. He tore his eyes away from his Blackberry and blinked twice at Edward standing behind me. "Hello."

"Dad, this is Edward. He's my friend from school," I explained. "He drove me home."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Hale," Edward said formally. I turned and whispered over my shoulder.

"It's Mr. Swan, actually."

"It's just Charlie, no Mr. at all," Dad offered. Edward's ears turned a little pink, but other than that, he recovered gracefully.

"Oh, ah, great, Charlie."

We left the room and walked out onto the back deck, and we sat side by side, staring out at the sporadic trees dotted across the property. I assumed he was going to ask about my dad, so I waited in the peaceful afternoon sun for him to speak.

"So, Charlie's not your real dad?" Edward finally asked.

"Nope. My dad died when I was one," I explained.

"Car accident?" Edward guessed.

"Heart attack, actually."

"Whoa—how old was he?"

"He'd just turned forty. He and my mom met at college—he was a professor, she was his student. He was thirteen years older than her, but he seemed to be healthy, Mom said. It was just…a fluke. He was washing his car and he just fell over," I told him, keeping my eyes trained forward.

"Wow. Did your mom find him?"

"Not at first. She said she always told him to just take it somewhere, or pay to have it detailed, but he insisted on doing it. He said just because he had money didn't mean he had to stop doing anything for himself; he would say that he was comfortable, not an invalid," I said with a chuckle. I'd heard the story so many times. "Anyway, she was inside with us and decided to take him some lemonade. He was flat on his back in the driveway. It was too late."

"Oh, my God," Edward murmured. The two of us sat quietly for several moments.

"Mom thought it was her fault for a long time. If only she'd taken him the drink earlier, if only she'd offered to help, if only she hadn't let him stress about work so much, if only, if only…. She drove herself crazy with it. The truth is he probably couldn't handle the working and the writing and the two kids under the age of three thing. They'd pushed to have kids right away, and we're probably the fucking reason he had the heart attack. What a joke."

Edward opened his mouth to argue; he was probably going to tell me that I was wrong, that it wasn't our fault, but I stopped him.

"Then my mom met Charlie at some Hollywood function, and it was like, instant opposites attract. He's this big studio guy, big budget, big bombs, big boobs, big name actors, no plot kind of guy, and she writes tiny French-inspired art films that get made for under five million dollars and only play in one hundred theaters nationwide. She's a festival girl and he's a summer blockbuster guy, but they've made it work," I explained, relieved to talk about the more-realistic present. "He's been good to us. He's the only father I've known, really."

"So when did your parents get married?"

"They didn't."

"They're not married?" Edward asked incredulously.

"Nope. Not going to, either. Mom, Jas and I all have my real dad's last name, still," I told him. "Dad doesn't mind. He knows we love him."

"Yeah," Edward mused.

"I can't believe I just told you all of that," I said with a harsh laugh.

"Why?"

"I never talk about this stuff. Most of my friends back home don't even know that. A lot of people think Charlie's my dad," I told him.

"Your friends don't even know?"

"Nah. I never felt like telling them."

"Do you think they're really your friends?" he questioned.

"Define real," I answered in a snarky tone.

"You know—hanging out with you because they like you, not because of who you are. Listening and giving and…not taking so much," he said awkwardly.

"No. They're not real friends. But I wasn't a real friend to them either," I said. "I used them, they used me. I had the name to get them into clubs, they had the friends with the good drugs. Win-win."

"Were you…do you…is the only thing, um, you're on, the, uh, Adderall?" Edward sputtered out.

"Now, yes. Back then, no."

"What've you done?"

"What is there to do? I've done lots of coke, every prescription pill you can get your hands on, weed, of course, X as often as I could get it…" I trailed off.

"Heroine?"

"No. That's a quick way to lose your self," I told him. I knew it was hypocritical, but I could never shoot up like that. That was something…that was deeper than even I wanted to go. "What about you? Have you done any drugs?"

"No," he answered succinctly.

"What—'Just Say No' and all of that?"

"I don't hate myself; I don't need to take something to become someone else. Or feel something else," he responded. His answer sobered me instantly, and the now-familiar pang of nausea and lethargy hit hard. When I looked over and saw his dark eyes looking at me with equal parts pity and hostility, I knew it was over. I told him I had stuff to do and sent him on his way.

Jas returned shortly after Edward left, but I holed up in my room to avoid him. I didn't want to deal with his moony eyes and lovey-dovey smile all evening. I ate a grilled cheese on my bed and fell asleep before eight.

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**Sunfeathers also started a thread over at Twilighted, so if you're in the mood to hate on Edward some more, you can come on over:**

**http :/ www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=12337**

**Also, in case you didn't know, I don't own Twilight.**


	9. Chapter 9

**So, this a little early...hopefully you guys won't mind. :) Have I told you all how awesome you are? No? Well, you are.  
**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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**Edward**

Something was wrong with Isabella.

Bella.

Something was really wrong with Bella.

Alice mentioned how Bella got sick at school, and then the next day, she looked like shit again. I didn't know what was going on with her, but it was obvious that the girl was miserable. I saw Jasper pull his car over when they were driving home from school, and Bella leaned out to puke. I drove past them, trying not to show how concerned I was.

I'd spent equal time trying to avoid her and get to know her better, and I was torn. Half the time I just let Rose pull me along with her like I had for two years, and the other half of the time, I sat watching Bella, hanging on her every word, and trying to decipher her expressions. It was frustrating, to say the least.

She and Jasper were on their way over to our house, and I couldn't decide what to do. Alice was so excited she couldn't sit still, but I was paralyzed by my anxiety. My phone buzzed on the coffee table, and I saw that Rose was texting me. I told her I had to help my dad all day so she would leave me alone.

"Was that Rose?" Alice asked, her eyes settling heavily on me. I nodded and she sighed loudly. "When are you going to realize that girl is toxic? I hate her."

"She's not—I mean, I don't know. I want to, you know, cut ties, but it's hard," I said vaguely.

"Edward, you don't need her anymore," she replied, cutting straight to the core of my indecision. I was afraid to let Rose go completely. I'd been under her protection for two years, and I didn't know what would happen once I wasn't.

"Ali," I said, shaking my head.

"I'm serious. It's all in the past. And you have Jas and Bella now!" she exclaimed brightly. I rolled my eyes at her. "What? I'm serious! I think Bella likes you."

I stood to leave the room, not entertaining Alice with a response. I didn't want to admit to anyone what I really thought.

I wasn't a fool. I saw the way Bella looked at me sometimes. I saw the way she watched me and how she always tried to talk to me. She hadn't made a move on Garrett. A part of me thought something might really be there, but the other part of me was too pessimistic to believe it.

I waited until Alice was halfway through showing Bella and Jas the house before joining them. Bella immediately brought up Rose and I got pissed, though I couldn't blame her. I had been spending more time with Rose, especially at school, and it made sense that Bella would ask about her. I was more pissed at myself than anyone else; I needed to get away from Rose, that was certain.

After calming down, I caught back up with everyone, and while I didn't talk to Bella much, I was cordial. It wasn't until after we watched a movie that I saw how sick she looked, and noticed how she had a hard time walking on her own. I helped her down the hall, and I couldn't stop myself from asking what was really going on with her.

I wasn't surprised really that she was hooked on something. I was surprised, however, that she admitted it. She looked so young and vulnerable as she told me the truth, and I was suddenly caught up in who I thought was the real Bella. Too often I wondered whom I was really seeing, but as she confessed what was wrong, I knew she was being real.

I didn't hesitate to call her the next day, though I did make myself wait until after noon. I couldn't think about anything besides her, but I didn't want to appear too eager. I texted Rose and told her I was busy again for the day, and asked Alice if she wanted to go over to Bella and Jasper's for the evening. She darted around like mad, getting ready quickly and rushing out to the car before I could even grab the jam Mom wanted me to take with me.

Meeting Bella's mom was an experience. I'd seen all of the films she'd written and I admired her work, so I was a bit star struck. It didn't help that she was incredibly beautiful; it was like looking at Bella's future. After a few insinuations that Bella and I were dating, I couldn't stop blushing. We eventually settled in to watch a movie, but I couldn't pay attention to it.

Bella again asked about Rose, and after guessing that I was stuck on her because she was my "first," I turned the question around on her.

"That's too far behind me to be stuck on, honey," she replied. For a moment I could see the old soul hiding underneath her exterior; I could see the person that had done and seen way too much already.

Hearing her describe what it was like to be a celebrity made me wonder why anyone would choose it. She was so concerned that she'd ruined her life, I tried to remind her that we all fucked up at times. I knew how hard it was to grow up, regardless of how famous you were.

She closed herself back off after that and I was forced to drop the issue. There was so much I wanted to tell her and ask her, but the moment was over. She and I stood by the door, watching Jasper kiss Alice good night at the car, and I was so jealous I couldn't stand it. I wanted to slip into that kind of easy relationship with Bella, but I could tell how much shit came along with it. She was from a different world, and not necessarily a world I wanted to step into. Even if we both wanted to try, I didn't know if I could. I liked my simple life and knowing that she'd been with so many different guys and had so many experiences would eat away at me, I thought.

I got up early the next morning to wash out the cattle trailer for Dad. He'd sold four calves at auction on Sunday and gotten back too late for me to help him. I finished just as the sun rose and I went back inside to get ready for school.

Alice and I got to school early, and Rose immediately attacked me when we arrived. She pulled me around the corner of the school building and pressed her chest against me seductively.

"I missed you this weekend," she told me as she bit at my lower lip. I gave in for a second; it was so easy, almost natural to do. We'd been together like that for so long, I forgot what it was like to be without her. She rolled her body against me and disgust bubbled up within my chest. How had I done this for two years? How had I slept with her and lived with myself?

_Because I shut my eyes and pretended she was someone else._

I pulled away and Rose huffed impatiently. "Edward, you really act like you don't appreciate me half the time. It's like you forget who I am."

The amazing thing was that it was remembering who she was that made me not want her. I shook my head and took a step back.

"I don't want this anymore," I told her.

"What?"

"This, I don't want it. You and I are over. For good," I said firmly.

Rose flipped her hair over her shoulder, exposing a decent sized hickey that I certainly didn't give her. "No! We're perfect together. Why would you want to break up? We…we need each other."

"It looks like your needs are being met, Rose," I said softly, reaching out to touch the broken skin with my finger. She flinched but then moved her hair to cover the offending spot when she realized what I saw. "I'm serious. This is it. I'm not coming back."

"You'll regret this. You know you will," she seethed, her eyes flashing with a warning. I knew there was a lot she could do to make my life a living hell again, but I couldn't stay with her out of fear.

I shrugged and walked back around the corner and to the front steps. The first bell rang and I hurried to make it to English on time. I saw Bella sitting with her head down when I entered the room, and I suddenly couldn't wait to tell her that I'd broken up with Rose.

"Bella," I whispered as I slipped into my seat. She didn't turn around. "Bella."

She still ignored me, but I tried to tell myself she just didn't hear me. Once class finished, I reached up and gently grasped her arm and said her name again. She jerked away from me like I burned her and marched toward the doorway. I saw Garrett's retreating form, and I felt like a fucking idiot. My blood boiled under my skin and I briefly wondered if I'd screwed up by breaking up with Rose.

I stopped in my tracks when I almost ran into Bella, and I saw the confused look on her face. She looked like she was in pain but didn't know how to handle it.

"Bella?" I asked softly.

"I don't know," she answered, and her voice shook. She looked…frightened. I walked with her down the hall to her locker, and answered her unspoken question.

"I've seen you here," I told her, hoping she didn't think I was a creepy stalker.

"I feel like you've seen everything," she said, her tone still fearful. It was amazing that she said that, because I felt like I could barely really see her at all. It was like she wore a mask all the time and I rarely got a glimpse of the real her.

"I feel like there's a whole world I'm not seeing." I couldn't believe she thought I really saw her when I thought she was still playing a part.

At lunch, I told everyone I broke up with Rose. I saw the way Bella's eyes lit up and the smile she tried to hide, and I knew there was really something between us. I knew I hadn't imagined it.

After school, I drove Bella to her house. I could tell she wasn't feeling that great, and I didn't want her to have to wait while Jas and Alice said their goodbyes. Bella burst into tears once I pulled up to her house, and I didn't know what to do. Her tears were gone just as quickly when we walked inside and saw her dad, who I found out wasn't her real father.

The things Bella told me about made me feel like I was really getting to know her. She talked about how her dad died and the way she felt about it; she talked about growing up in a world apart from my own. I loved watching the way her lips moved, and the way her light brown eyes didn't look at me as she spoke. She kept her guard up at least somewhat, but she wasn't hiding from me.

When she listed the drugs she'd done, I couldn't help but be shocked. And to hear her almost mocking me pushed me over the edge. The girl scared the hell out of me, especially since there was so much underneath her surface. I wanted her but I hated that I wanted her.

So I said something stupid and hurt her feelings. I wasn't at all surprised when she practically kicked me out.

"I have stuff to do," she said coldly as she stood, her armor firmly back in place. "Your car's that way."

She pointed to the side of the deck where steps led down to the yard, and I started to reply to her, but she was gone. The door to her kitchen shut behind her, and I walked away, knowing I was a fucking idiot but thinking I might've done the right thing. I was so scared of getting in any deeper with her, and I thought that maybe it was for the best.

But that night, and nearly every night after that, I tried to fall asleep but could only think about her. I was sorry that I hurt her, and I hated having to see her every day in class, and sit beside her at lunch and have her not know that I was sorry. I wanted to take it back. I wanted her to want to open up to me again, but that ship had sailed. I'd fucked up again. She was ignoring me. And I pretended that I didn't care.

* * *

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	10. Chapter 10

**I think this is a suitable cure for the Monday blues...**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

My days began to pass in blurs and sharp moments. I was jittery each morning on the way to school, nervous and anxious at lunch, and barely able to keep my eyes open in the afternoon. My evenings began to feel better as I got used to the crash, but I found myself wanting other things—more.

Reliving the days of my younger youth with Edward gave me a hankering for things I couldn't get my hands on. I envisioned the blissful fall after smoking a blunt, and I wanted it. I wanted to sit in a stupor and feel like I was four and have that ribbon connection to whoever floated with me. I remembered the glorious burn in my throat after snorting a line or two and having everything become clear. I was horny, and I missed the X, and the way my whole body lit on fire and I came from just a touch.

I tried not to think of those things. I knew they'd cost me more than I had to give, and I wanted to do well for my parents, for my brother, and for myself. I wanted to be more than the sad has-been starlet I'd become. Since Edward's condescending, hurtful comment on my back porch, I'd separated myself from him. He wasn't coming over anymore to watch movies, or offering to drive me home. Alice was so preoccupied with Jas that she didn't think to invite me along, so I sat at home, fatigued and sulky and wanting to drown my sorrows in the bottoms of bottles my parents didn't own.

Oddly enough, I missed Edward's darting eyes and soft smile, and his seeking gaze that stripped me bare. I missed him, but I wasn't going to make the move toward him. I'd been vulnerable, I'd shared something with him I hadn't talked to anyone about, and within minutes he'd turned things around and made me feel bad. He made me feel like I was worthless.

Maybe he meant to say that I should like myself and stop looking for something I couldn't find, but all I got was that I was an even bigger loser than I thought. He had it all figured out, and I was a girl playing dress up. He didn't apologize for his insensitive comment, and all it had done was made me dislike myself more. His little experiment failed. He'd never be able to save the broken girl.

I ended up not trying out for the play, mainly because I could barely open my mouth after school that Friday. I was worn out and cranky, but I waited around and supported Jas, and I had no doubt that he'd get the lead. Edward wasn't there, and Jas dropped me off before going over to Alice's later. I watched TV with my parents and pretended it wasn't as sad as it was. I scrolled through sites on my iPhone and saw more pictures of people I knew and could call acquaintances, but no one missed me. No one cared. I quickly formulated a plan to get myself a little attention without causing too much of a stir.

I got a new phone number after I realized no one I hung out with in L.A. was going to be calling me. They didn't care, and I didn't want to talk to them. They still had their mini-dresses and smeared eyeliner, and I had a ranch and a school play. We were in different leagues, different worlds. I was throwing in the towel. For the most part.

One week after Jas's play audition, and twelve days after Edward ruined everything we had started, I requested my brother's assistance. After searching for a good location, and staging the perfect shot, I had exactly what I needed.

I went home and pulled the photo up on my laptop, admiring the way it looked blurry and amateurish and just right. I called my agent to tell her I had something for her.

"You know where to send it, so make it happen," I told her.

"Isabella, I have to ask—are you sure you want to go down this road? If I do this for you, you're making a choice you can't back down from," she said in a maternal tone. Sometimes I wanted to strangle Maggie, and sometimes she was so damn caring it made me uncomfortable. "Just remember, you're choosing this."

"I know, and I need to do this. No one gives a fuck about where Isabella Hale went. And they should," I told her in a huff. "Just pick a city."

"Alright, I'll make it happen. I'm glad you called, Isabella. There's something I need to tell you," she began. "I got a call from the execs, and _Torn Asunder_ isn't getting release."

"It's not getting a wide release? Just the big cities?" I asked hopefully.

"No, hon."

"So…straight to DVD? On Demand?"

"It's actually going to TV. A channel picked it up and it'll have a big premiere night—"

"What the hell, Maggie? I thought this was supposed to be my comeback! This movie was supposed to be it for me! You can't tell me that's the best you could do," I argued.

"There was absolutely nothing I could do, hon. The director re-cut it four times for the execs, but the test screenings weren't good. Be thankful you got this," she said hotly.

"What did the test screenings say?"

"You don't want to know," Maggie answered glibly.

"Yes, I do. Tell me."

"Well, consensus was that you were an unsympathetic character; no one cared that you were living on the streets, and no one believe that you loved your child," Maggie explained.

"Well, that's the writer's fault—he should've written a softer character!"

"They said your portrayal was uninspired and stiff."

"That's the director's fault, he isn't good with actors," I countered.

"The audience said they wouldn't pay to see it and that they'd like to never watch a film that you star in ever again," she finished. My head started to pound.

"Why are you telling me this shit? Why are you saying this to me? Do you want to hurt me?" I yelled.

"No, I don't, but if you're going to insist that I treat you like everyone else, you'll have to get used to it. If you wanna talk like you're a big girl then you'll have to take everything that comes with it. This is a tough city, and people will throw you away the second they're done with you. No one cares that you're a real person, so if you want the truth, I'll give you the truth. Just remember that you asked for it," she told me in a quieter voice.

"Just send the picture. This is my new number, by the way," I told her, sulking.

"Renee said I'm not to contact you about any new roles."

"She's right. I need to…I don't need that right now. Just send the photo, Maggie," I demanded. I heard a click in the background.

"It's sent."

"Sweet. Thanks," I said halfheartedly before hanging up. I needed a drink and I needed to get laid, but as I stared out my window at the darkening sky, I knew both options were far, far away. I was afraid of falling into obscurity, and I felt every square inch of me unraveling. My body vibrated with the loss of my self. I didn't know who I was without Hollywood, without roles and phone calls and publicists and parties. I was no one. I'd never felt so naked.

I heard Jas in the hallway and I flung open my door to ask where he was going.

"I'm going to Alice's for a little while," he told me.

"Can I come?"

"You want to?" I nodded. "Uh, sure."

Jas pulled his phone out and typed away, presumably texting Alice, as I slipped my shoes on. My hair was curled from earlier in the day, cascading around my shoulders, and my makeup was more precisely applied than it had been since arriving in Montana. The excitement of moving and leaving the house gave me a temporary high—a natural one—that I couldn't suppress. Twenty minutes later, we arrived at the Cullen's house. I was surprised to see bright lights coming from the back of the house, but Jas led us straight that way.

I rounded the corner of the house to see the Cullens engaged in some serious _Leave it to Beaver_ family bonding. Jas approached while the four of them laughed as Esme passed around plates of food. The grill was still smoldering and I could smell hamburger in the air. Colored lanterns were hanging haphazardly across the space, giving a bright glow to the almost-fall night. Alice was sidled up next to her father and Edward sat across from them. He looked up and caught my eye, but he didn't look surprised. Sometimes he held his cards so close to his chest, it was like he was unshakeable.

Jas said a greeting and everyone looked at him with big smiles on their faces. I wasn't listening, but assumed he pointed out that I'd tagged along, because Alice, Carlisle and Esme all turned and looked. Esme motioned for me to come on up, and as I rounded the table, she slapped a massive hamburger on a bun and handed it to me.

"We've got all the fixins', so help your self," she explained. The weight of the burger nearly caused me to drop the plate, but I saved it before losing it completely. I felt nervous suddenly as I didn't know where to sit, and I felt bad for crashing their family dinner. Reluctantly, I took the seat beside Edward so Esme could sit next to her husband. Edward gave me a nod of hello and went back to eating. I didn't want to imagine the number of calories in the slab of meat on my plate, so I nibbled slowly, hoping to be full soon.

Conversation was lively and happy and the opposite of what was inside of me. I felt crushed that my last chance at making a comeback in my teens was squashed, and I felt like a lowlife for staging a publicity stunt. I questioned everything I'd ever been told about myself; I deduced that I couldn't act, people hated me, and I would never be happy. Edward thought I was a drugged up loser and all of my friends left me behind. Jas was too concerned with Alice to notice how low I was getting. I was a burden to my mother as she had to diligently hand me a pill every morning. I knew my dosage was getting cut back in a matter of days, and I suddenly didn't want to be anywhere.

Edward nudged me to get my attention, and I realized Esme had been speaking to me. "I'm sorry?"

"I was just asking if you like venison," she answered. "And if your mother cooks, I can send some home with you. And a recipe for stew, it's delicious. Carlisle and Edward went hunting last weekend and killed a good-sized buck, so we have plenty."

"Oh, uh, um, yeah, sure," I told her. I was pretty sure venison was deer, and I had no idea if I liked that or not.

After picking at my burger for a while, we moved inside and sat around, shooting the shit. Alice gasped as she looked at her phone, and jumped from her seat. Jas and Edward both looked bewildered at she ran back into the room, carrying a laptop. She flipped it open, and after a few clicks, she looked at me apologetically.

"Bella, it looks like someone got a picture of you," she explained as she turned the screen around. Sure enough, there was the grainy photo Jas had taken of me several hours prior. The tag at the bottom said I was in Chicago, and I smiled. Maggie chose one of my favorite cities.

"It's weird though—why would they think you were in Chicago? This looks like…is this the…Thriftway?" Alice asked, referencing the local supermarket.

"Sure is," I said. The picture of me nonchalantly leaning over a bin of produce looked perfectly natural and un-posed. Nothing gave away the location, and only Havre residents would recognize the store. "Jas, you're a genius."

"Don't I know it," he joked, giving the photo an appreciate glance. Alice turned the computer back and around and clicked some more before looking up inquisitively.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Jas took that pic for me earlier today, and I sent it to my agent."

"Why?" Edward jumped in.

"I need to keep my face out there, and no one in Havre is helping me out," I said slowly.

"So, you sent this picture to your agent so it could purposefully be leaked? And then gave them a fake location?" Edward's eyebrows were raised dreadfully high on his forehead.

"Maggie chose the city, but yes," I said. He grabbed the laptop away from his sister and pointed at it angrily.

"So, after all of that shit you told me about Hollywood and selling your soul, you did this to yourself?" His finger was directed at the words Perez scribbled on my picture saying "There are two 'p's in apple?".

"I can't let people forget about me, Edward. You don't understand. When I'm done here, I'll need to work, and no one will hire me if I've disappeared. I give them a taste. They want more. Case closed," I said tersely.

"You've got no one to blame but yourself, Bella. You are a fuckup," Edward ranted.

"Dude," Jas butted in. "Back off. You don't get it."

"I get enough. I can't believe I felt sorry for you," Edward said as he rose from his seat. He stormed down the hallway toward his room.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me! I'm not pathetic!" I yelled after him as tears sprang to my eyes. The sad part was, I'd never felt more ridiculous, or more pitiful. I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help the small sob that burst forth. Alice looked abashed but didn't move. Jas stood and put his arm around my shoulder. In a matter of minutes, we were in the car, and I had a huge container of raw venison meat on my lap. I watched the starry sky stay constant as our car zipped home, and I wanted to be sucked into a black hole. I felt like my entire life went supernova, and soon, it would all be over. I closed my eyes and couldn't stop from wishing it really could be all over.

* * *

**Yeesh, drama. Things will be resolved soon, though, I promise. Hit me up on Twitter (at) ginginleelee and play on the thread at:**

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	11. Chapter 11

**Here's a little resolution for you guys, hope you like it. Happy Friday!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

I received a text from a number I didn't know sometime in the middle of the night. It was a sort of apology, or at least as close as I was going to get from Edward.

- _I dnt thnk ur a fuckup. I jst dnt get u._

I saved his number but didn't respond. I continued clutching my pillow as silent tears ran from the corners of my eyes, and I hated him. I imagined humiliating him at school, taking away everything he ever wanted, and reducing him to nothing. I felt…like nothing. And I wanted him to feel it, too. I eventually fell asleep to my vengeful thoughts. When I woke, I had two new messages.

- _Pls txt bck. I wnt 2 tlk._

_- Tell Jas 2 stp w the threatnng txts._

I didn't know what Jas was doing, but I didn't want to tell him to stop. I wanted Edward to suffer a little. I got up and faced my mom. She looked at me speculatively before informing me that I wasn't getting a pill yet. I had to wait ten more hours, and I thought my body was going to shut down. I was grateful it was Sunday and I didn't have any homework left to do. I could tell the heaviness of my limbs wouldn't abate until I swallowed the damn thing, so instead I drank five cups of coffee.

My mind wandered as I stared at the television, ignoring the regular buzzing from my phone. I had no doubt that it was Edward, and I hadn't seen Jas. He was gone when I got up, and I hadn't heard from him at all. I assumed he was with Alice, considering we didn't know any other people in the town.

The entire day was spent trying to avoid thinking about what Edward said to me last night. While I felt somewhat justified in my actions, I knew there was a part of me, deep down, that thought it was ridiculous. It even seemed like Maggie thought it was a bad idea when I called her about it, but I was determined to be wanted again. It was hard for me to handle knowing that I faded away so quickly from the scene. I needed to be missed. If no one cared what happened to Isabella Hale, then why should I?

I'd been validated almost my entire life by how others viewed me, and to slip into obscurity made me feel like I didn't exist at all. I'd gone for too long depending on the attention of others to just suddenly adjust to a "normal" life. My parents and Jas seemed to handle it fine, but I needed people to notice me, to think and talk about me. I needed them to need me…and I had to take a step to make sure that happened, even if it was sort of foolish. I was afraid I would just disappear without the eyes of others focused on me.

Hours passed slowly, but around the time the sun started to set, my mom handed me my tiny orange pill of delight. As the effects started to kick in, the back door opened, and Jas and Alice walked in. I greeted them more jovially than I could've thirty minutes before, and listened as Alice talked about the play. The sky darkened and a knock sounded at the front door. I heard Edward's voice greet my father, and then his penetrating footsteps drew nearer until he stood in the same room. I considered leaving immediately. I considered spitting in his face or calling him a name. Instead I stood there, eyes glued to the floor, blushing for no good reason, waiting for him to leave.

No one said anything. Eventually I heard the swishing of clothes and mouths forming soundless words, and when I looked up, I saw a silent argument going on between Jas, Alice, and Edward. Once Edward saw me looking, he stopped, causing the other two to glance sheepishly at me.

"Bella, can I talk to you for a sec?" Edward finally asked.

"I don't think I want to talk to you," I replied haughtily. I watched his face crumble before looking away; I didn't want to see the emotion on his face. I wanted him out of my life. I was tired of trying to justify my choices to him.

"Bell," Jas said in a soft warning. His navy eyes caught mine and I saw the spitting image of our father in his face. I pretended for a moment that he'd lived, that he was the one insisting I listen to Edward. I nodded my acquiescence to my dead father's face, not to my brother's. Jas and Alice left the room, and I waited for what Edward had to say.

"I'm sorry," he stated. I might've laughed. "I am. I don't…I know nothing about your life, really, and I'm just…I'm judgmental and I think I know it all."

"That's true," I replied.

"But, Bella, you don't have to go to all this trouble—you don't have to do all of this shit—"

"You don't know what I have to do! You don't know even a tenth of what I've done and had to do to stay afloat in this business. You just met me a few weeks ago, Edward. You don't know me!" I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of mania. I was afraid if I went too far, I wouldn't come back down.

"You can become someone else. You don't have to be that Isabella Hale anymore," he offered. I scoffed.

"You have no idea what you're saying," I began. "And you keep…you're not helping anything. You keep telling me all of this stuff, but it isn't helping. If you're trying to give me the confidence to change my life, it's not working. I hate—I hate myself when I'm around you! I hate how I feel when I'm with you."

"You hate your self anyway, Bella! It doesn't matter if I'm there or not," he argued.

"You don't know that! Why do you keep saying that? Why do you keep insisting that I—why can't you just be my friend instead of hurting me like this? You don't make any fucking sense," I ranted, balling my hands into fists before rubbing at my cloudy eyes. I wouldn't let the tears fall in front of him.

"I am your friend—I'm the only person being honest with you! I'm the only person who really wants to be your friend."

"No, you don't. You don't want the Isabella the world sees, but you don't want me, either. If you did, you wouldn't be trying so hard to change me. To fix me. If you really cared about _me_, wanted to be friends with _me_, then you'd accept me and support me instead of tearing me to shreds. You're no better than the rest of them. You just have no idea you're doing it," I pointed out.

"That's not what I'm trying to do. I swear," Edward responded after a moment's pause. His eyes looked defeated and his shoulders slumped. He stood across the kitchen from me, and it felt like a continent. He wasn't who I thought he was, and I wasn't who he wanted me to be, and there didn't seem to be anything worth salvaging. We needed to cut ties.

"It's not going to work, Edward," I informed him. He needed to let go of the idea that he could fix me, and I needed to stop wanting him despite the way he kept trampling on my heart.

"It could," he said quietly. I didn't even know what it was he wanted to save.

"It's not worth it. There's nothing here."

"There has to be," he countered. He turned away and grabbed at his hair with both hands. He shouted towards the wall, startling me. "I wouldn't feel this way if nothing was there!"

"Bella? You okay in here?" I turned my head to see my dad poking his head into the kitchen. I knew Edward and I had both been yelling, and I was surprised no one had checked on us earlier.

"Yeah, Dad. We're fine," I told him in a small voice. Edward waited to turn around until my father's footsteps retreated back down the hall.

"Don't do this," Edward pleaded, and I couldn't understand the desperation I saw in his eyes. I didn't get what he wanted.

"Why not?"

"I think there's…shit, Bella. Don't you feel it?" he asked as he stepped closer to me. "Am I crazy?"

"I don't know. Maybe we're both crazy," I answered, my insides fluttering as he got closer and closer to me.

"Tell me it's not just me," he said as his eyes communicated more than his mouth was telling me. For the first time since I met him, I saw it. I saw desire, I saw interest, I saw misery mixed with curiosity. I saw what was driving him to keep trying. "Tell me you don't hate me. I didn't…I'm just angry and confused and I can't imagine what your life was like before you got here, but I want to know. I want to know you, then and now, and I want to…share…this with you."

He was close enough that I felt the heat radiating from his body. My brain wasn't processing his words at the right rate, and it took me several seconds to comprehend what he was telling me.

"You want me?"

"Yes."

"Why?" I had to ask.

"I don't know," he said. It was the most honest statement he'd made to me. "I have to find out."

And I felt all that I'd been suppressing—the want and need, the guilt over wanting and needing, and the anger over it all—bubble up, and my lips pursed before I could stop them. I pressed my mouth to his in the shortest kiss in history and I conveyed the confusion I felt. I let him feel how fucked up I really was, but when I tried to back away, he didn't let me. His hands grasped my shoulders and he hugged me. I felt furious and elated and absolutely, horrifically, terrified.

I'd never been hugged like that before. My friends weren't affectionate unless they were drunk, and I'd never had a real boyfriend. No guy had ever just held me like that. I stood in my kitchen as my earth shattered around me, exposing the faulty, rotted beams that held it together, and I realized maybe I could have more. I thought about telling Edward that, but I kept it inside. I held it in me and let my face press into his neck and I breathed deeply. A stray tear jumped out of the corner of my eye and landed on his shirt, marking him with the only physical evidence of our heavy discussion.

"Why does this hurt?" I asked him, not able to understand my own emotions and reactions. The combination of adrenaline from the argument, my mind feeling suddenly sharp from my pill, and the exhaustion of keeping up with it all hit me. I wasn't totally sure what I was doing, or if it was the right thing, or if I would regret it.

"Because it's hard," he said into my hair. "And it's new."

"I thought teenage love was supposed to be all rainbows and smiles and feel good and light and sunshine-y," I told him with a tiny laugh.

"I thought so, too," he responded. His arms tightened infinitesimally and I knew he felt like he was being ripped in two like I was. I could barely understand why anyone chose to love if it felt like that. Taking the step to say yes to Edward was easily becoming the worst pain I'd felt. I trembled in the cage of his arms and I could tell by his shaky breath against my ear that he was having a hard time holding it together.

"How could this be right?"

"It hurts more to think of ending it, or not trying. That has to mean something."

I nodded at his words. Even with all the things he'd said to me, and all the things he inevitably thought about me, imagining giving up now did hurt more. Voices in the hall forced us to pull away, and I could barely look him in the eye. Each moment spent with him was another layer of my skin being stripped, and eventually, he'd see everything. He could choose to run. He could choose to stay. I had to keep going to find out. I burned all over at the exposure, and managed to raise my eyes to the lips I'd kissed. All of it was sealed with that one chaste touch.

"Are you guys…are you ready to go, Edward? I've got some homework to finish," Alice said softly.

"I'm ready," his mouth said. I watched his lips barely move as he said it. He stayed facing me and spoke again. "Alice and Jas have rehearsal after school Monday through Thursday. Can I start driving you home?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice. Edward's lips curved into a smile—something I hadn't seen from him in weeks—and I reciprocated. I felt bashful and young and girly and even though everything hurt, I felt happy and hopeful. With my insides all jumbled up, I could do nothing but nod again. Edward walked out of the kitchen and towards the front door, and I watched him go. He glanced over his shoulder at me one last time, and I saw his stormy eyes look into mine for long enough to know that it was right.

I was hesitant to tell Jas what happened between Edward and I, but I confirmed that we'd "made up" and were okay. I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, and when my phone buzzed, my body vibrated in anticipation.

- _Good nite. C u 2mrw._

And in such a short message, I managed to build up an entire possible future for he and I, involving a ranch, wild Montana hair, and children. I berated myself for being foolish, but I couldn't help it. I fell asleep with a smile on my face and woke excited to start the day. My body told me that it didn't feel good, and I knew my first day at school without Adderall wouldn't be a fun one. I hoped Edward could help ease the pain.

He and Alice were waiting for us when we pulled in, and Edward slid his arm around my shoulder after my brother walked past him. I felt the familiar tug of pain and pleasure as I looked up at him, and I wanted to hurry up and be normal so that it wouldn't hurt anymore. He wanted me, and that made me feel good, but I had to learn to be myself and be open, and that was almost debilitating. I'd pretended for so long, I had no idea who Bella really was. I was able to feel more relaxed around my family, but they knew me before, when I was a child and pure and happy. It was easier to slip into that role with them, but I had nothing with Edward yet. We had a foundation to build, and I had no idea how to start. I was scared shitless.

I saw the same fear in his eyes, accompanied with determination and desire, and we walked steadily to our English class together. Some students looked at us, some pointed or whispered, and one icy blonde stood in the middle of the hallway, forcing others to part like the Red Sea, waiting for us to approach her. Edward steered us away at the last second, and even though I wanted to challenge Rosalie, I knew it wasn't a good idea. I felt sick to my stomach already, and my head wasn't clear enough to wage war.

We got to class unscathed, and as I turned in my seat to talk to Edward, he played with a lock of my hair, and I melted inside. I felt like one of those girls I portrayed in movies, the ones that got all weak-kneed and crazy over a guy. Edward's probing eyes scanned my face and he asked if I was tired.

"Not tired, just…lazy. Lethargic," I explained.

"Did…so…what's the plan with the, um, pills?" Edward looked so uncomfortable I wanted to laugh, but he was so cute when he tried to be supportive. I brushed my fingers across his, hoping he liked stuff like that, before answering.

"I cut back again. Yesterday, actually. You'll have to help me get through this week," I said, aching a little as I saw him realize what kind of work we had cut out for us.

"I'll help you. I want to help you for much longer than just this week," he told me, and he looked serious. "I'm in. I'm all in."

* * *

**I have to work a looong shift today, so getting your feedback will make the day pass much easier.**

**Come visit the thread, I'll be posting a teaser tomorrow night:**

**http: / www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=12337&st=0&sk=t&sd=a**

**As a bonus, can anyone tell me where I stole the line, "I'm in. I'm all in." ? Hint: it was said on a TV show.  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**Howdy, ya'll! I hope you ready for the latest installment...we're back to EPOV, and this starts off right after Edward called Bella a bad name when he found out about her sending the picture of herself to the tabloids.**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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**Edward**

"Edward…" Alice said hesitantly as she entered my room. "That wasn't, um, the best way to handle that."

I groaned loudly from under my pillow. After shouting at Bella and calling her a fuckup, I ran down to my room and immediately began to berate myself. I saw how hurt she was as I railed on her, but I couldn't stop. For a split second, I thought Jas was going to fight me, but he let me go. I heard Bella's broken voice calling after me, but it was too late. The damage was done, and I didn't know how many more times I could hurt her before she gave up altogether.

I didn't want to uncover my face because the truth was, I shed a few tears over Bella. I wanted so badly to hate her and think she was just a foolish actress, but she wasn't. I knew there was more there, and I watched her every damn day, and I wanted her. I was so…angry that I still wanted her that I freaked out over a stupid picture. I freaked out and made her cry, and now I was the one boo-hooing into my pillow and wishing I could turn back time.

Jas was right; I didn't get it. I didn't understand any of the Hollywood game Bella had to play, and it wasn't my place to make her feel like an idiot over it. I wanted to call her and apologize, but I didn't know if I should. It was still so fresh, I thought maybe it would be best to let the dust settle before making my next move.

"What's going on with you lately? You've been walking around here with a chip on your shoulder, yelling at everybody, and now you're throwing a little tantrum," Alice pointed out. I could tell that she was trying to keep her voice light, but I'm sure she wasn't happy with me. I yelled at her new friend and drove her boyfriend away.

"I don't even know, Alice," I finally confessed. "I like Bella. And I don't want to."

"You don't have to be afraid," Alice began. "I think she likes you, too. Well…she did."

I groaned again, knowing I was diminishing my chances with every outburst. I'd belittled her twice; I had a feeling I didn't have a shot with her now. If there was a chance in hell that she didn't hate me, I would probably fall on my knees and worship her.

"Why am I such an idiot?" I asked after a few moments of silence.

"You're not an idiot, you're just afraid," Alice said wisely. "And sometimes your fear manifests in idiotic ways."

"I am afraid. She's so different from me."

"That's probably a good thing!"

"What if she finds out about me?" I questioned, hoping my sister wouldn't lie to me. Other than the fear of actually trying to make something happen with Bella, I was overly paranoid that Rose or someone else would spill to Bella what happened, and she'd make fun of me, too. Or at the very least, lose any interest she still harbored for me after my latest snafu.

"I don't think she would care," Alice finally answered after giving the question some thought. "Honestly."

"How is that possible? You're the only person who stuck by me," I argued. "And you never even…I mean, I know we haven't talked about it, but I don't know what you actually thought about the whole situation."

"For one thing, that's not the kind of thing that's comfortable for a fourteen year old girl to talk to her brother about," Alice pointed out. "And I was getting teased about it, too."

"I'm sorry," I told her in a defeated tone.

"Edward, I don't care. I didn't care that people made fun of me and I never, you know, questioned you…but I didn't want to judge you, just in case you, um, wanted to tell me something," she said meekly. I finally pulled the pillow off of my head and searched her eyes. I could see that she didn't want to admit that she thought I might've had a secret to tell her, but it was comforting to know that she would've stuck by me, had that been the case.

I nodded and moved my eyes back to the ceiling. "I don't want to think about that anymore. I just need to…figure out what to do about Bella."

"Apologizing would be a good place to start," she offered.

Alice finally left me along with my self-loathing thoughts. I was so pissed that I couldn't seem to control my emotions around Bella, but I was truly at a loss. After seeing how screwed up she was from whatever happened in L.A., I just couldn't imagine why she'd ever purposefully put herself back in tabloids or any of that shit.

Maybe it was unfair of me to compare what I'd gone through with Bella's experience in Hollywood, but I couldn't help it. Once the rumors started, I practically crawled into my shell and hid for a year. I definitely didn't do anything to draw attention to myself and I wouldn't put myself in that situation ever again. It wasn't until Rose started talking to me that I even spoke to anyone at school other than Alice. It was hard for me to imagine that Bella would continue to do the same old tricks just to stay in the spotlight that she seemed to hate.

I just didn't understand. And I wanted to.

I gave into the urge to contact her and finally texted her before I tried to go to sleep. My phone vibrated almost an hour later, and I snatched it off my nightstand quickly, anxious to see what she said.

But the text wasn't from Bella, it was from Jasper.

- _Ur lucky asshole. I shld kill u_.

I had no doubt that Bella was still upset, and I truthfully didn't blame Jas for wanting to kick my ass. I decided to give it another shot and asked Bella to please text me back. Another thirty minutes passed, and Jas sent me a second text.

- _Shes been crying all nite fucker. Fix this._

I didn't know how to fix it, and I hated that Bella was crying over what I'd said. I might not understand her or her intentions, but I had no right to call her anything, or tell her that it was all her fault. God, I hated myself at that moment.

I spent the next day texting her constantly, begging her to talk to me, apologizing over and over, and admitting that I really cared about her. I had no idea if she read any of the messages or not, but I had to try my damnedest. I was going out of my mind, and on top of that, I had to face Jas when he came to hang out with Alice. They told me they were going to Bella's house later, and I debated what to do.

They hadn't been gone for more than a few minutes when I decided to jump in my car and go over there, too. When I got inside, I saw Jas look at me with a little respect. I hoped he knew I wasn't going to be a fucking coward, and appreciated the fact that I was trying to fix it.

I didn't know what to say, so I stood there in the kitchen like a tool until Alice started mouthing and pointing and telling me to make a move. I asked Bella if I could talk to her alone, and was relieved when she finally acquiesced.

I tried to explain myself, but I ended up just fueling another argument. It seemed like nothing I said came out right, and Bella ended up screaming at me that I didn't know her. I knew her, I knew a part of her, but I couldn't make her understand that I just wanted her to be happy and healthy. I couldn't get my point across. I couldn't make her see that all I wanted was to be there and not watch her destroy herself. There was so much I wanted to say, but none of it would come out.

Hearing her tell me that my words only made her hate herself more was hard to handle. I stuttered and stammered and tried to tell her she felt that way anyway, and I thought she was going to pull her hair out in frustration. Everything I said was the wrong thing to say. I felt like she was seconds away from totally self-destructing or possibly kicking my ass, so I knew I had to try harder.

Bella looked so…defeated and angry and sad, and she told me it wasn't worth it. She said there wasn't any reason for either of us to try, and hearing her say those words…ripped me to pieces. I knew why she felt that way, and even though it killed me, I couldn't blame her. Since we'd met, I'd only talked down to her, belittled her and made her feel worse about her situation. And I never wanted to do any of that; I truly wanted to help, but I was just a prick who couldn't do anything right.

I couldn't control myself, and before I knew it, I admitted how strongly I felt about her, and I pleaded with her to admit there was a connection. I knew that the way I felt couldn't be one-sided, it was just too damn strong to be. I had never felt so desperate in my life, and if she didn't give in to what I was saying, I was going to grovel and beg her to reconsider. The thought of her truly pulling away, for good, made me feel a little crazy.

I felt like screaming or maybe crying, or at the very least, crumbling to the floor, but there must've been something really there, because she finally saw what I was trying to say. I knew it still probably wasn't coming out right, but she got it.

And then she said it, and she looked at me, and before I knew it her lips were pressed to mine, and I wrapped her up so tightly in my arms—I never wanted to let her go. All the fighting against it was over, and I was finally giving in to the pull I'd felt since seeing her for the first time. I couldn't remember why I tried so hard to resist. Feeling her against me, knowing she felt the same, knowing we were both scared shitless…it made it all feel easier, despite it hurting so damn bad.

I was jittery and nervous and floating in the clouds, and I could barely calm down enough to go to bed that night. The feeling started all over again the next morning when she walked up to me in the parking lot, and let me put my arm around her. It was real. She was really choosing. I didn't want to be smug or prideful, but the truth was, I was proud to have her beside me. I resisted the urge to smirk at the other guys in the parking lot, because being with Bella wasn't about that. I wasn't using her to prove anything.

Though I knew I'd been using Rose to prove something for years. Granted, she let me, and she encouraged it, but it still wasn't right. I shouldn't have stayed with her just so I wouldn't get made fun of anymore. But it was so much easier to hide that way. I couldn't do that to Bella, though; she meant more to me than that. I wouldn't take advantage of her. And I wouldn't hide behind her. I would help her, and I hoped she would let me. And she'd probably be helping me, too, without even realizing it.

It was a little nerve wracking for me to figure out what I could and couldn't do. She seemed to like that I had my arm around her, but I didn't want to push anything. I was worried she didn't want to go public, but as she leaned into me while we walked down the hallway, I knew she was happy to be there with me. And that made me unbelievably happy.

We sat in our desks before class started and talked. I noticed that she looked a little tired and asked about the Adderall and the schedule she was adhering to for them. I couldn't resist reaching out and wrapping a tendril of her silky hair around my finger. I had to hold in a moan as I felt how soft it was and I just wanted to plunge my entire hand into the thick tresses and pull her close to me and just…kiss her. God, did I want to kiss her.

I managed to restrain myself and when the bell rang, Bella turned back around with a reluctant sigh. I couldn't wait to talk to her more, and find out more about the real her. I knew she would want to do the same with me, and despite the terror I felt at having her get to know me, I was ecstatic. Even though it made no sense on any planet for her to like me, she did. She wanted to be with me, at least for now. I just needed to believe it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Happy Friday, everyone! I'm feeling a little chatty today, and I have a nice A/N at the bottom for you all-it's relatively important stuff, so please read. :)**

**I totally forgot to mention the other day that the quote I stole at the end of Chapter 11 was from Gilmore Girls (awesome show) and two lovely readers, stealingkaylah and alexone guessed it correctly. Yay!**

**Also, I don't own Twilight. But I do own the New Moon DVD, which is getting a lot of play at my house this week for some reason...**

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I invited Edward to come in for a while when he took me home from school on Wednesday. I hadn't seen my mother smile that widely in a long time. She ushered us into the kitchen and actually had fresh baked cookies waiting; I wanted to laugh about what a cliché it was, but I was too busy stuffing my face with the chocolate chip goodness.

When it started to feel like I should undo the button on my jeans, I stopped eating. Edward and I settled in to do our homework, which fortunately only took about forty-five minutes, and then we sat and talked as we both stared out the patio doors at the sprawling backyard.

"Honey," I heard my mom say softly. I turned my head to see her standing just outside the doorway, tapping her watch. I glanced at the oven clock and saw that it was time to take my pill.

"Edward knows, Mom," I said in response. She nodded and walked toward me, sitting the small pill in my hand before looking at the two of us speculatively.

"That's good, sweetie. It'll be very helpful to have such a supportive boyfriend," she said in a slightly questioning tone. Her eyes flitted back and forth, waiting to see what we said.

I felt my face heat up, and my pulse began to race; I'd never had a boyfriend before, and though the term made me bristle a bit, I wasn't about to argue. Edward and I hadn't made anything official, or even really touched since the World Record Shortest Kiss a few nights before, but I was okay with letting everyone say he was my boyfriend. My mother's face lit up even brighter when we didn't argue. I peeked at Edward from the corner of my eye to see him studiously examining his cuticles.

"Mom…can't you be subtle…or aloof?" I questioned.

"No. There's no fun in being subtle or aloof—I would much rather poke fun at you and your first boyfriend," she teased.

"Mom!" I was pretty certain Edward knew he was my first…whatever…but I still didn't want her throwing it around like that. Edward's snicker distracted me, and I looked at him, my mouth gaping open.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that! I don't mind," he said with a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. My mom chose that moment to snatch a cookie before leaving the room. We were quiet for a minute after she left, until I noticed Edward staring at me.

"What?"

"You look…so much like your mom. It's kinda crazy," he said.

"I know. Everyone has always told me that," I responded. "And Jas looks just like our dad."

"Really? Is that where he got the blonde hair?" Edward asked. I nodded.

"Do you, um—do you want to see a picture of him?" I asked with a stutter. I'd never so willingly offered up information about my real father before, but I wanted to share that with Edward. There was a hell of a lot of shit we'd have to work through, but I wanted to offer him something I'd never given to anyone else.

"Sure," he replied quietly. I hopped down from the island stool and scurried to my room. After pulling a shoebox from my closet, I dug around until I found a couple of pictures. One was of my parents right after they got engaged, and the other was a family picture of us when I was just six months old.

I walked back into the kitchen and sat the photos down in front of Edward before reclaiming my seat. I didn't want to watch him as he looked, so I tugged on the ends of my hair and looked back out at the yard.

"Jas does look just like him," Edward commented absently. "You have the same nose, too, though."

"What?" I asked as I touched the bridge of my nose. "Mine isn't that big, is it?"

"I don't think you need to schedule a nose job or anything, but it does have this cute bump in it," he said as he brushed the skin I had just touched. I felt tingly and warm and weird when he did things like that, but I didn't hate it.

"Did you ever, you know, have a crush on me? Before?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Um…I mean, I thought you were cute," he replied, looking everywhere but at me.

"You _thought_ I was cute?" I emphasized the past tense.

"I think you're cute. Beautiful," he corrected. "But I guess I liked you best when you did that movie, uh…what was it? The one about the Communist screen writer, with De Niro?"

"_Blacklisted_," I filled in. "You liked me then? I was in a weird phase."

"I thought you seemed the most like yourself, I guess," he said. "Like when you wore those crazy tight pants to that festival, and you had that huge clunky belt and the really dark make up. I liked that."

I was surprised Edward had such a clear-cut memory of the outfit I wore to Sundance. And _Blacklisted_ wasn't exactly a blockbuster, so the fact that he saw it at all surprised me.

"So you like indie movies?"

"Yeah, for the most part. I mean, I watch all those guy comedies about jerking off and getting laid and seeing tits for the first time, too, but I like intellectual stuff," he said. I had to laugh after hearing "jerking off," "tits", and "intellectual stuff," put together like that.

"Really? Like what?" I leaned back in my chair and waited. I was definitely interested to know what a born and bred Montana boy watched in his spare time.

"To be honest…and don't tell her I said this…but I love the films your mom wrote," he said in a conspiratorial tone. "I thought _Hedonistic Righteousness_ was amazing."

"You—wait, you watched that?" I sputtered in surprise.

"Yeah. I loved it," he said truthfully.

"What about—even the—the, you know, _scene_?" I asked, shocked that he watched such a startling film about sexual abuse and loved it.

"The female castration scene?" he questioned back.

"Shit, don't even say it! I still can't believe my mother wrote that! I think I'm permanently scarred. I'll never look at scissors the same way," I said with a shudder. Dad nearly had a conniption when he read the script, but the most shocking part was the fact that she got any money to make it at all.

"Well, it was a good commentary on feminism," Edward said. I stared at him, just blinking several times in amazement that he existed.

"I am…you just shocked the hell out of me, honestly," I told him with a small laugh. "So, I have to stop thinking about that movie. Um, so, do you have some secret goth fetish or something?"

"Huh?"

"Since you liked me best when I was in my rebellious, almost-goth phase, I though maybe that was your thing," I explained.

"Not really. I just remembered thinking you were really cute," he said as he fiddled with the pictures still sitting in front of him. "Man, you honestly are the spitting image of your mother."

I looked at the old photograph with no small amount of nostalgia; Mom was sporting a shaggy, post-80s cut that was surprisingly flattering.

"Do you think I'd look good with short hair?" I asked him. "I've been thinking about cutting it."

"You had short hair in that one movie," he said thoughtfully. "_Blackberry Winter_."

"Have you seen every movie I've been in?" I asked exaggeratingly. He nodded sheepishly. "Besides, that was a wig."

He frowned. "It looked good, though. With your, um, face, and stuff."

"See, you talk about feministic commentary and then you turn around and say something like that—you're such a boy," I pointed out. He laughed loudly at my statement. "So you think it would look good?"

Edward grabbed the back of my chair and turned it towards him. He pulled my hair down in front of my shoulders before bending it and tucking it under. His eyes darted around my face and neck as he smiled.

"I think it would look hot." He smirked cheekily and let go of my hair, but I couldn't help but notice the way his knee was pressed against mine. I felt so naïve at moments like that; while I'd done just about every sexual act one could do, and with lots of people, I'd never done the simple stuff. Holding hands and kissing cheeks and little touches were foreign to me. It excited me, but I was afraid I would do something stupid.

I felt my energy level rising rapidly as my pill finally kicked in. Mom walked in and started pulling things out of the fridge for dinner.

"Edward, are you staying for dinner?" she asked with her back to us.

"Uh," he began, looking at me. I shrugged and nodded. "Sure. Let me text my mom, though." He pulled his phone out and typed a quick message before hitting send. He looked back up at me appraisingly.

"You know, Alice could cut your hair."

"Really? She knows how?" It would be easy to just have her do it instead of looking around for a stylist.

"Yeah. She does mine," he said as he ran his hand over his messy hair. I was severely impressed—Edward's hair looked perfectly tousled and textured, like he came out of the womb that way. "Actually, she does everyone's in the family."

"She does your mom's hair?" He nodded. "I love her hair. It reminds me of a lion's mane."

"I need to meet your mom, Edward," Mom complained. "We should have a barbecue or something. We've barely used the back deck. Ooh, we could do it this weekend!"

Mom pointed her spatula at Edward as she spoke. "I'm sure she'd like that."

"Should I call her? I should call her," she said hurriedly. She stopped what she was doing and snatched her cell phone out of her pocket. "What's her number?"

"Uh," Edward said again before rattling off the digits. He looked a little overwhelmed by hurricane Renee. She held the phone up to her ear and looked at me.

"So, you're cutting your hair, Bella?" she asked. I nodded and pointed to the old picture of her. "Ah, that'll look great, honey! Oh—hello, is this Esme Cullen?"

Mom turned back around and looked out the window and she talked and laughed with Esme. Edward reached over and innocently touched the back of my hand, and I felt something akin to butterflies erupt in my stomach. I couldn't look at him, afraid he'd see everything on my face, but I didn't pull away. My leg started to jiggle with all of my nervous energy, so I jumped up and grabbed his hand.

"Let's go outside," I told him, pulling him to the patio doors. We stepped through and down the steps, patrolling the perimeter as I told him about what my mom thought about doing with the space. I never let go of his hand. He squeezed it periodically, making me feel some crazy things, but I didn't press for more. It was easy for me to think of blowing a guy at a party when I was wasted or needing something, but it was hard to stay at ground level with Edward. I wanted so much from him, but at the same time, was so scared, I couldn't push yet. Everything about him physically attracted me, like he was formed just for me, and the more I talked to him, the more I wanted to know him, but I needed to take things ultra-slow.

We both grew quiet, taking in the way the leaves were already beginning to change in the trees and the crisp breeze rolling off the mountains.

"You're so different today," I said, breaking our silence.

"How so?"

"You're relaxed, and open, and…I don't know. After Saturday, I was certain you thought I was a whiny bitch. I thought you thought I was nothing," I told him, more than a little sad to relive the way he'd looked at me that night. And the way he said it was all my fault. And the way he called me a fuckup.

Edward pulled on my hand to keep me from walking further. "Bella, you know I didn't mean all of that. I was just…so frustrated. I thought…I don't know if I can explain this."

"Try. I want to know. I need to know," I told him. His hand gripped mine a little bit tighter as he looked around, gathering his thoughts.

"When I found out you were coming here, I was sort of bummed. I'd had this thing for you a couple years ago, and then when you…when all of those pictures started showing up online and the drug rumors and all of that started flying around, I was disappointed. So, when I knew I was going to meet you, I was kind of like, 'Great, now I'll be let down even more.' I thought for sure you _would_ be a whiny bitch and I'd be even more disillusioned."

I felt my face fall further and further with his admission. He didn't want me to come here; he didn't want to meet me.

"So, you get here, and I was determined to just ignore you and then you needed help, and you looked so alone, I didn't know what to do. I thought you were so pretty, and I was upset with myself that I would fall for that—I was still thinking you'd be a terrible person, obviously. And then I felt this draw to you…but I saw you pop that pill at lunch, and I saw you eyeing Garrett, and I knew I was right about you. But then things started to change and you looked so down all of the time, and I worried that I was going to get sucked in.

"So I asked you questions and hung on your every word, and that day…on the porch…I'm so sorry for what I said, Bella. You have to believe me. You told me that about your dad and then I turned around and said…just…awful things to you. I didn't mean them. Well, I did, sort of, but I shouldn't have said them like that. I was mad at you for pulling me in—like you were doing it on purpose. And I was mad at myself for letting you."

I watched his expressions flit from anger to fear and back right before my eyes.

"And then you showed up at my house and I was happy to see you but I didn't want to be. I was mad that I was happy, which sounds stupid, but…and then when you said you sent that picture yourself, I lost it. I couldn't believe I was even getting caught up in all of that. I wanted to hurt you and get you out of my head," he said with a derisive laugh.

"So it didn't work?" I asked.

"No. The opposite, actually. I felt like the biggest dick on the planet. I kept picturing how you looked when I yelled at you. And you cried. And it felt like I was ripping out my own heart when I thought about it. So I tried to apologize, you wouldn't accept it, so I came here to…I don't know. I wasn't going to tell you that I liked you and wanted more, but then the moment was there, and you were there, telling me we had nothing worth saving. I felt desperate. To me, there was a lot worth saving. To me, it was everything. So I confessed like a pussy and I might've teared up a little," he said with a smile. "Are you glad that I told you those things?"

"I am," I replied honestly, shifting my gaze to his throat. His eyes were too heavy to look into. The things they held there were far too heavy for me to deal with.

"You think there's something here, worth saving? Worth fighting for?"

"Between us?" I asked. I saw his chin move as he nodded. "Yeah. There's something. I want to…try. I know I'll screw up and piss you off and you'll want to forget you ever met that tragic, druggie actress, but I want to try anyway."

"Good. I know I'll mess up, too. And then you'll wish you'd never met that condescending, small town prick," he teased. His hands slid around to my back, and he pulled me closer. I felt his lips press against my forehead in a tender kiss, and my emotions got the best of me. I felt a flood bubble up in my throat and behind my eyes, and I grasped his shirt urgently. He held me tighter then, settling his face against my neck and breathing deeply on my skin. I focused on his breaths and felt myself calm slightly.

"Dinner's ready," Jas called from the back door. I looked up, barely able to make out the smile on his face from so many yards away, and nodded. I hadn't heard his car come down the drive, but I was also incredibly wrapped up in Edward. I saw Alice's head pop up in front of Jas's as she watched Edward and I start to walk back.

"Hey," I said as I threaded my arm through Edward's as we walked. "Thank you. For telling me all of that."

"I'll probably tell you everything, Bella. I'll have no secrets left," he joked, but I saw nervousness flit across his face. I felt something inside me stir. I knew I could never divulge all of my secrets; I had the kind of past that made people cringe and say meaningless apologies as they backed slowly out of my life.

"How do you feel about French cinema?" I asked, effectively changing the subject and swaying my own thoughts another way.

"I don't know if I feel anything about French cinema. Why?" Edward looked down at me, and the vision of his reddish hair against the orange sky, his eyes looking almost black, was enough to make my heart stutter.

"This weekend. Here. You. Me. Truffaut festival," I told him.

"Truffaut?"

"Pssh! And you say you like intellectual films. Francois Truffaut, famous French filmmaker…Mom has all of his movies, and we're watching them. On Saturday. Or Sunday. Whatever day we don't have the inter-family barbecue," I told him. If I planned it just right, I'd get to see Edward all weekend.

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**So, as always, find me on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**

**Play at the forum, where I post teasers, respond to your thoughts and sometimes even confirm theories:**

**http: / www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=12337**

**Okay, so, first off, my Bella is a weird mishmash of Kristen Stewart and Lindsey Lohan. Most of the films I've referenced that Bella has starred in are based on real movies either KS or Lindsey did, but I try to be clever and change the names slightly. So, if you ever wonder what movie I'm basing any of these off of, just ask and I'll let you know.**

**Also, the movie mentioned in this chapter, Hedonistic Righteousness - it's real, that scene really happens, and if you are just dying to know what movie it really is, ask and I'll tell you.**

**A big thanks to all of you that are reading and reviewing this, I really appreciate it. Anyone who is pimping this story out, thank you - I've definitely had a jump in numbers lately so I'm sure you guys are responsible for that. And to new readers, thanks for stopping by! :)  
**

**That's all for now, folks!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Howdy! So, here's a little bit of fluff mixed in with a smidgeon of angst...I hope you like it. Also, I posted a one-shot yesterday called Metamorphose - it's very different, but if you are in the mood for a short, Halloween-esque story that's fulllll of horror, then it's the o/s for you! **

**So, readers, old and new, thanks for showing up. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :)**

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Alice and Edward came over early on Saturday so she could cut my hair. I was only a little nervous, and more excited than anything. Something about making such a drastic change was freeing—before, I had to consult with my agent and publicist before doing something like that. After Alice and I discussed it a little more, she proclaimed that she had the perfect cut in mind, and I chose to trust her. I didn't think she'd make me look like an idiot; I only told her I didn't want a copycat of her haircut, and that was it.

Jas lured Edward away with promises to show him the extensive collection of records and instruments he had stashed away in our music room. Mom tried to stay out of the kitchen, but she couldn't resist watching Alice work as she snipped inches of my life away. The wet hair fell to the floor with a gentle smack, and I felt lighter. It wasn't the weight of the hair on my head, but more like a catharsis, or a rebirth. Somehow that one act made me feel different inside, and I loved it.

Alice chatted amiably with my mom and dad both, and I allowed myself to daydream to the timbre of her voice. She probably had a very melodic singing voice, and would one day read soft bedtime stories and lull her children to sleep. She stood in front of me, peering at the hair on either side of my face, tugging and making sure it was even, and I stared unabashedly at her. While I knew she was pretty, I hadn't taken the time to really catalogue her features. Her nose was upturned like a sky jump—just enough to be distinct and dainty without teetering into piggy-ness. Her jaw and chin were incredibly narrow, giving her an almost alien shape to her head, but without being disproportionate. She looked a little like an elf with her tiny mouth and gigantic eyes, but in the best possible way.

I started to swim in her irises as I realized how different they were from Edward's. While they were that kind of ambiguous dark shade that most people would call blue or green, they were actually more on the grey side. They were gunmetal circling mercury, patterned with almost black. They looked like lightning and stormy seas and charcoal all put together.

"Damn, Alice…you've got the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen," I commented, more than a little jealous. Directors would kill to get a close-up of her angelic face with her turbulent eyes. She looked me in the eye then, surprised, and a shy smile swept across her face.

"Thanks, Bella. Yours are beautiful, too, though—like coffee and cream," she said casually, like she'd thought it out years before. I'd heard different things—chocolate, mud…shit brown…but coffee and cream was definitely the most complimentary thing anyone had ever said about my eyes.

"Thanks," I echoed. The two of us sat in companionable silence as Alice worked to give me bangs. I thought about arguing—I'd never had bangs before—but she said it would give me a totally different look. I wanted as much of me to be totally different as possible. I started considering something that had been on my mind, and decided to bite the bullet and ask. "Alice, why did you want to be friends with me? Was it just because I was famous?"

I was able to move my eyes enough to see Alice bite her lip. "It's not like that now, Bella."

I heard what she didn't say. "Gotcha." I didn't want to focus too much on the fact that she was a bit of a hanger-on at the beginning.

"But I also wanted to prove Edward wrong. He thought you would be stuck up and not be friends with anyone. He was wrong, obviously," Alice said as she sat her scissors down. She plugged in a blow dryer and turned it on. "But I think he's happy about that!"

We ceased talking since the hair dryer was so loud, and I let the noise and the heat lull me back into a daze. I was due to take a pill before dinner, and I could feel the effects of my crash sitting heavily on me as I waited. Eventually, Alice finished, and I heard the shuffling of feet as everyone walked into the kitchen to peer at me. Their faces all reflected surprise, but the big smiles I saw gave me confidence that it looked good.

"You look even more like your mother," Dad stated as he hooked his arm around her waist.

Jas whistled appreciatively before speaking. "You look older, Bell. In a good way."

Alice nodded along as she messed with my bangs. "Definitely. You look more…hmm…New York, I think."

"Or London," Edward interjected. The spark in his eyes made me start to tingle all over and I wanted to jump up and touch him, but my curiosity was killing me.

"Okay, I have to go look," I said as I hopped out of my chair and strode towards the bathroom. When I turned and faced the mirror, I gasped. At least eight or nine inches had been cut off, but it looked great. Everything was choppy and layered and sharp looking, and the bangs made the whole thing work. They were kind of blunt, but I could push them to the side if I wanted, and I loved it all. "Oh, my God! Alice, you're a genius! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

I fought the urge to hug her, instead giving her a toothy grin before admiring myself some more. I usually tried to temper the preoccupation I had with how I looked so people wouldn't think I was a total narcissist, but I thought this moment warranted a few extra looks. Edward walked in the small room and stood behind me, watching me fluff and turn and shake and pull. His hand rested lightly on my hip, the most intimate place he'd touched me before, and he looked at me in the mirror.

"You look like a movie star," he joked. I rolled my eyes even though his hand felt like it was burning me through my clothes. He leaned down and brushed my newly shorn hair away from my ear with his nose before pressing a gentle kiss there. A shiver ran up my spine and made my head twitch, simultaneously pushing him away and trapping him. I felt the slight stubble on his face and wanted to touch it, but I refrained. If this were a couple of months ago, and we were in L.A., a move like his would've been countered with my hips pressing to his firmly, and ended with me bent over the sink and his head tipped back. It was amazing how much had changed in such a short time. I felt like laughing and I felt like crying because I was so in between I didn't know what was happening. I couldn't tell who I was yet.

"Hey," Edward said as he rested his chin on my shoulder. I saw the way his hair grew in a swirl on the top of his head in the mirror and focused on that. "Where'd you go?"

"I don't know," I told him, the thick melancholy settling over me way too quickly. "You like me enough to stay with me, right?"

He paused. He paused and my heart broke. "What do you mean?"

I couldn't tell what was really going on with him; his face was still down and I couldn't see his eyes or his expression. "I'm changing and I don't know where I'm headed." He finally looked up, and more than anything, there was just confusion.

"Bella?" He turned so he could look at me directly, and not my reflection. He looked different in the mirror image. I honed in on the subtle differences. "I like you a lot, and I'm in this with you."

"What if I don't turn out like you think I will?" His hands gripped my arms.

"I have no idea how you'll turn out. So don't worry about me. I don't have any preconceptions," he said truthfully, but in a hard voice. "Is it time for your pill?"

It _was_ time for my pill, but I didn't want him to jump to that every time I acted this way. I didn't want that to be the root of all my problems or my moods. I scowled at him, and apparently that answered his question.

"Put a smile on your face. Alice will think you don't like your hair," he whispered as we walked into the hallway. As I thought about my haircut, I didn't have to force a smile.

"My hair rocks," I told him. "You know, you don't seem seventeen."

"Well you don't seem…lots of things," he countered. I wanted to be miffed at him but I couldn't muster it up anymore. I let it go, and refused to dwell on the darker thoughts trying to plague me.

Within a few minutes, Esme and Carlisle had arrived, carrying what appeared to be a couple of desserts. When I got a glimpse of a massive chocolate cake, I felt my mouth water. My mom stealthily slipped my pill into my hand as she moved to greet the Cullens, and within minutes I was starting to feel better. Esme ooh'd and aah'd over my haircut, and Carlisle told me it looked great. I couldn't help but blush; he was one fine looking older man, and the tight jeans he wore made me want to quiver. Edward raised an eyebrow at me when he saw my reaction, but I just shrugged unapologetically.

"Hey, you'll look just like him later on, so be thankful," I playfully warned. Edward laughed and squeezed the back of my newly exposed neck as he led me outside. The families were gathered on the spacious porch, and I saw Jas and Alice holding hands sweetly. I hadn't seen my brother ever act like that, or look at anyone the way he kept looking at Alice. It was terribly adorable and easy and it made me a little sad that it all came so naturally to him. I wanted things to be easier for Edward and I, yet every little milestone came with a battle. Every pleasure had an accompanying pain.

But there were moments where it was easy to forget all of my troubles, or what I'd been doing a year prior. When Edward stood so close by me, touching my hand or my shoulder or my hair, giving me secret little smiles, I forgot. The differences between us didn't seem so glaring.

Everyone seemed to be getting along well; Mom was showing Esme the house and some of the property while Dad and Carlisle manned the grill. Dad managed to look properly ashamed when he didn't know how to get the grill to light up in the first place. We hadn't ever done anything like grilling out in L.A., so Carlisle had to show him the ropes. The two of them were an interesting pair, but they didn't let their lack of common interests hold them back.

"Do you hunt, Charlie?" Carlisle asked as he took a sip of his beer.

"Uh, no, I don't. Never have," Dad told him. I tried not to laugh out loud at the idea of him hunting, but I couldn't contain the giggle that burst forth. Dad shot me a look over his shoulder. "I did used to fish, though. Long time ago."

"Not really much fishing around here. I'd be happy to take you out one Saturday and see if we could get a deer or two. I have some extra rifles. Jasper and Edward can tag along," Carlisle offered. "We'll need to get you both a hunting license though. Presley's Market in town has them."

"Um, well, maybe," Dad hedged.

"We used to hunt antelope, but it's hard to get a license for it now. Antelope population went way down last winter," Carlisle continued. I turned away and looked back at Edward as he perched on the edge of a patio chair, looking at me. I approached him slowly with a smile on my face, not stopping until we were only inches apart. I loosely grabbed a hold of his hair with my hand, moving his head around and resisting the sudden urge to press myself against him. If I got a little closer, his face was land perfectly on my stomach, and then I could wind my arms around him, pulling him tighter and tighter until we fused. Then we wouldn't have to let go.

I wanted to, but I didn't. I released his hair and let my hand trail down to his shoulder. I felt his fingers graze the side of my knee, and even through jeans, I started to burn. I was undoubtedly horny, but also pretty unbalanced and confused. I knew nothing good would come of sleeping with Edward so soon, but it didn't mean that I necessarily _wanted_ to wait.

The hot dogs and hamburgers were done, so we all sat down to enjoy the food. Esme commented on the spacious patio furniture, and we all pretended that Mom didn't drive three towns over on Friday just to buy something large enough for every one to eat at. In between bites of food, both sets of parents threw out getting-to-know-you questions.

"So, what made you all decide to move to Montana?" Esme asked.

"Well, I mean, I'd always had an interest in the area—the mountains, the plains—" Mom began before we started laughing. "What?"

"Renee," Dad teased, "you know you only wanted to come here after watching that special on the Discovery channel."

"I wanted to visit before I watched that, thank you very much!" she responded with a pout on her face. Esme and Carlisle laughed along with the rest of us. "Truthfully, it was just time to get out of Hollywood. That place is poisonous. Living there, in the industry, is like trying to exist while vultures circle your head, waiting for you to die so they can feed off of your dead carcass."

"Jeez, Mom, morbid much?" I questioned quickly. I didn't want her to scare the Cullens off with her macabre thoughts.

"It's true," she said defiantly. "You know it is, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it and pretend that place wasn't a cancer to this family."

"Mom," Jas tried. "We're all letting it go, you should, too."

I saw my dad reach over and squeeze her hand lightly before artfully changing the subject. Esme and Carlisle both had mildly perplexed looks on their faces, but they shot Jas and I both supportive smiles. I knew that Esme probably didn't know much about me, or any of the struggles I had, as she probably wouldn't want her son dating that kind of girl. I had a feeling that Edward would keep that information to himself. I wasn't sure what Jas would share with Alice, but I hoped that they could both keep it quiet, as well.

By the end of the night, both Dad and Carlisle were buzzed and happy after discovering their one shared interest. It wasn't sports, movies or cars that brought them together, but their shameless obsession with D-list action movies. They jokingly argued over who would win in a fight, Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal before dissolving into masculine giggles. They kept nursing their beers as they spoke, and Esme lamented over how she'd have to listen to Carlisle's cackles as she drove them home.

Jas and Alice had long since disappeared, and Edward and I stowed away in the family room, watching a terrible reality show about cake baking. I sat with my arm pressed up against his, admiring how soft his shirt felt, and just enjoying relaxing with him.

"So, what time are you coming over tomorrow?" I asked during a commercial break.

"What time do you want me to get here?" he asked as he traced a vein on top of my hand. I could hardly think as he touched me.

"Um, well, the problem is, I have five films I want to watch…so that would take about ten hours…not counting bathroom breaks or anything…" I trailed off, unsure if he would actually want to sit around watching movies with me for that long. I wouldn't be getting a pill at all tomorrow, so it would be a pretty safe option.

"I would love hanging out with you all day, but that's a lot of movies to watch in one day…and if we did three tomorrow, then we could watch the rest next weekend," Edward pointed out. I definitely didn't feel like he was blowing me off, so I agreed. "And I have to get up pretty early Monday, so I probably won't stay very late."

"Why do you have to get up early?"

"Help my dad with stuff on the farm," Edward told me. It was amazing how even after spending so much time with him the week before, I genuinely had no idea what his responsibilities were on their property. As best I could tell, he had to help herd the cattle at times, and milk the dairy cows, but other than that, I had no clue.

"What do you have to do, exactly?"

"It depends on the day. Usually I either milk the cows, clean the cattle trailer, or help my dad with the hay." he told me, his fingers still dancing over my hand. "We have to set bales out across the property."

"Hmm," I said, unable to keep my eyelids from slipping shut. I moved my fingers and twined them with his. It felt safer to keep my eyes closed. "You don't seem like a farm boy."

"'Cause I don't wear Wranglers?" Edward asked, his low voice close my ear. I could feel the nearness of his mouth, and my heart rate increased in parallel to his proximity. "I could probably scrounge some up. Maybe a cowboy hat."

His breath tickled my ear and I didn't stop myself from leaning in, letting his face press into my hair. I felt like a cat, wanting to nuzzle and purr at the feel of his so close. "I bet you…would look…hot in Wranglers," I managed to say, though my voice was entirely too breathy. "Motherfucker…shit…fuck."

Edward laughed but didn't pull away. I felt his nose behind my ear and gripped his hands tighter. "Why'd you say that?"

"You are…you really know what you're doing, don't you?" I asked him in response. "You seem to know exactly how to get to me."

"This isn't rehearsed, Bella," he said quietly, his lips brushing my ear. "I don't have moves. This is all new, with you."

"So you didn't do this stuff to Rose?" I asked, still feeling drunk in a haze of Edward.

I must've said the wrong thing, because Edward pulled back. I finally opened my eyes and turned to face him. His head was resting on the back of the couch, his eyes looking at me sadly. He still held my hand, and I stroked his skin with my thumb, hoping I hadn't upset him.

"Everything was different with her," he told me. "She was…she pursued me, and it was all just so convenient. After going out for a week, we kissed, then after a month, we fooled around, and then after three months, we slept together. It was mechanical. Or like we were on a schedule. Six months in we broke up. Then we yo-yo'd for a year until you showed up."

"So, did I have something to do with you finally ending it with her for good?"

"Yes. I should've done it a long time ago, but then when I realized I was…feeling like this…I decided I had to make a decision," he said.

"God, she was so pissed this week," I said as I recounted the few run-ins we'd had. I was surprised I didn't have a bruise on my shoulder from the way she kept slamming into me in the hall. "And Jas has to kiss her in the play! Ah, classic."

Edward laughed along. "I don't know how I put up with her for so long. She's so stuck up. And self-important. I guess I haven't told you, but her dad is the president of this big bank in town, and her mom was in the Miss America pageant in, like, 1984. She thinks she's Havre royalty."

"Hmm. I guess that explains a little," I told him.

"She has an older brother, James, who's a Marine. He's been in Japan for more than a year now," Edward continued. I really didn't want to know anymore about Rosalie, but at the same time, I wanted to hear anything he had to say. As long as he didn't call me any more names, or yell at me like he'd done a week ago.

My mind began to race as I realized how much had happened in just seven days…I could barely keep track of everything, but I was incredibly, schoolgirl-y giddy over the progress with Edward. I let my eyes focus back on his face, still situated so close to mine. I could see the black and gold flecks in his eyes, the small amount of freckles around his eyes, and what looked like a nick from shaving. He smelled so damn good, like outside and campfire and aftershave. He was quiet as I surveyed him, letting my eyes take in everything about him without interruption.

"Like what you see?" he finally asked with a bit of nervousness in his voice.

"Of course," I told him. "So…are we…you're my boyfriend, right?"

He didn't answer at first, choosing instead to look down at our entwined fingers before nodding. "Yeah. If you want me to be. Though, it's hard for me to imagine why."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I felt my eyebrows furrow as I waited for him to respond.

"It's just…you're really famous, right?" I nodded. "And you've probably dated a lot of really famous guys."

"Well, I mean, I haven't really _dated_-dated anyone before, but I've hung out with some guys, yes," I said.

"And…even if I don't look like it, I am just a farm boy from Havre. I'm not going to—I'll never be more than that, you know? And I know that dating now doesn't mean we'll stay together forever, I'm just saying that you're way, way out of my league. I don't know how you can't see that."

I ran his words over in my head a few times, trying to figure out the best way to respond.

"I know you're not…like them. I don't expect you to be—or want you to be. I never wanted anything real with anyone else. Ever. I promise. I want you," I told him, my heart aching and pulsing at the truth of my statement. I was momentarily terrified, like I'd just fallen backwards off of the jungle gym, and I wasn't sure if anyone was going to catch me. I felt the fear of hitting the ground, but the falling felt good.

"Really?" he asked. He looked uncertain and vulnerable. He looked like a slightly different Edward than the confident, know-it-all I'd seen before. I nodded. "Did you really go out with that British pop star guy?"

"Johnny Biloxi? Hell to the no, my friend! That guy is flaming," I said with a loud laugh.

"Really? There were pictures of you two everywhere," Edward commented.

"We're friends—well, we were friends—but he is 100% gay. Believe me. He saw me naked like thirty-seven times and was a limp noodle," I promised. Edward's face went from relieved to appalled to amused.

"You have lived a crazy life, Bella Hale," he told me, leaning back in once more to nuzzle against my cheek.

"Shit," I muttered softly, unable to stop myself from leaning in even more. Edward's lips were right there—right there—and they looked so fucking kissable. I brushed my mouth against his lightly, giving him the option, and with a sexy little moan, he followed me. His lips moved against mine for just a couple of seconds, but long enough for me to feel how warm and soft and perfect they were. He gently nipped my bottom lip before pulling back. "Shit."

"Shit," Edward echoed. It was too good; everything with him just felt too good, it couldn't be real. We both stared at each other for a few endless moments before turning our attention back to the TV. The show we were watching had ended, leaving us to watch a show about people with OCD. Occasionally, Edward would ask a random question concerning my past life.

"So, what about that Taylor whats-his-name that you did that one movie with?" I tensed, knowing exactly who he meant. "Did you hang out with him?"

"Ummm…you could say that," I began. My mind flitted back through the various things we'd done together—the various positions we'd worked ourselves into. Taylor was young, a little younger than me, but had incredible stamina. He'd given me the best ten minutes of my life in a hotel bathroom. He also licked me like an ice cream cone, which I didn't complain about. Just having the memories of our encounters made me feel incredibly dirty and used as I sat on the couch with Edward.

"So, you…like, hooked up?" I averted my eyes from Edward's as I nodded. He didn't say anything else.

"Edward…if you really want to know about all of that, I'll tell you…but I'm just asking that you…don't. It's only going to make me feel like a slut. And you'll be upset. I don't want to…think about some of the things I've done," I told him, still afraid to look at him. "I'm not a good person. I haven't been one in a long time. I've done bad things, lots and lots of illegal things, with bad people. It scares me to think that I could mess this up between us because of what I was like before. But, I don't want to be that person anymore."

I felt my eyes burn a little as I tried to explain myself to him. I was so afraid that he would realize what a joke I was and leave. I was afraid he'd realize how used up I was and not want to put up with me. I waited for him to say something, anything. I waited and I waited and I waited, and when I couldn't wait any longer, I turned my head to see that he was looking down, his face contorted in concentration, and I couldn't take it.

"Say something," I softly demanded.

"I don't know what to say," he responded. "I hate thinking about you doing all of the things I think you were doing. And I don't want a part of that. I don't want to be with you because of that."

A splinter shoved itself through my chest, lodging itself in the painful spot, and I could barely breathe. How could I have known before that everything I was doing was ruining my future? How was I supposed to know? I was still a child, practically, when I took my first hit and my first drink and did my first line. I was still a girl when I sucked my first dick and fucked my first guy. I didn't know that I shouldn't. And now everything was already ruined before I even turned eighteen. There was no way I could've realized the consequences of my actions when I was thirteen. There was no way, yet, now I had to pay for it all.

"But at the same time, I can't really blame you," Edward started. I felt the smallest pinprick of hope filter into my bloodstream with his words. "I can't even imagine what it was like to be so young and famous and in demand. I don't know what you went through, and I can't expect you to be like me. You grew up in a totally different world. I wish you hadn't been like that, but I can't change it, and it wasn't all your fault, I don't think. This is hard. I want to be with you."

Edward's eyes finally sought me out, and between the whisper of his voice and the gentleness in his expression, I had to choose to believe him. The splinter stayed in my chest, ready to go deeper and hurt more, or ready to extract itself, leaving me to bleed out. Either way, it would be painful. I had to let it lie; I'd put myself in that position, and I had to carry the weight of that with me always. Edward was a balm around the wound, but he couldn't heal it.

"This is hard," I told him. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head as if to argue, but a voice interrupted us.

"You ready to go, Edward?" Alice stood at the doorway as Jas wrapped his arms around her shoulders. I smiled at the sight of them, and then glanced at the clock. Somehow, two hours had passed, and it was past eleven.

"I guess," Edward said sadly. He spoke in a low voice, just to me. "Are we alright?"

"Yeah. Or, we will be," I said.

"I'll see you tomorrow around noon?" I nodded before he leaned closer to me, gripping the back of my neck with one of his large hands. He kissed me on the corner of my mouth, pressing hard and insistently as he trailed kisses to my ear. "I can't wait."

I nodded while his lips were still against me, and then kissed at the corner of his jaw. He held me there for one second longer before reluctantly backing away. I felt like melting and jumping up and down and curling up in a ball all at the same time. I stood and managed to walk Edward to the door, waving once as he got into his car and turned in our driveway to head back home.

"You guys are looking downright chummy," Jas teased. "Bell's got a boyfriend."

"Shut up! You and Alice are all sickly sweet and shit," I said as I punched his shoulder.

"Hrmph. Yeah right. So, were you guys rounding the bases tonight or what?" he asked.

"Bases my ass—we just had our first kiss on the couch!" Jas stopped and look at me in confusion.

"Your first kiss? What the hell have you two been doing all week? I thought for sure you'd be trying to close the deal by now," he said in a strange tone of voice.

"First of all, it's really weird that you would even think about that, and secondly, it's different with Edward—he's not some part-time drug dealer looking for a piece. He actually likes me and wants to, you know, date…long term," I told him as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Well, well, well, look's like Bell's growing up," he commented as we walked back inside. "But, honestly, I'm glad. It's good to see you…normal like that."

"Wasn't that the point of this whole social experiment?"

"I guess," he said. He grabbed my arm to stop me from walking away. "Bell…you know we just want you to get better, right? You don't have to prove anything. You don't have to push yourself."

"I'm not. And…I want to prove it to myself. I don't need to get high all of the time just to function, right?"

"Right," he agreed. He watched the wistful look on my face. "What?"

"Sometimes I want the shit so fucking bad, my skin burns," I told him as I grit my teeth. "I feel like my veins are trying to pop out of my skin, I need it so badly. It's hard. It's hard as hell."

"What do you miss so much?" Jas looked genuinely intrigued. He knew I was into a lot of stuff in L.A., but we never really talked about it directly. He also had no point of reference since he never touched the stuff.

"The freedom, the numbness, the emptiness, the carelessness…it made dealing with my life, and dealing with myself, so much easier. It's easy to be fucked up and not have to really look at what I'd become. Or deal with all the fake friends and ass kissers. God, it makes things so much easier," I said with longing. "But, what's the point of doing all of that to get hazy and free and empty if there's nothing left of me at the end of it. I should want to be present for my life, right?"

"I guess that's the ironic part—you chase all of this other stuff to forget, and then when you come back down, you can't remember, and you wish it all wasn't gone," he responded.

"You're so smart sometimes, Jas," I told him as we walked back toward the kitchen.

"You're kinda smart too, Bell." We said goodnight and I walked back to my room, trying to relive the good parts of the night—the way Edward's skin felt on mine, the way his hand cradled my own, the way his lips felt like fire and ice at the same time. My phone vibrated on my nightstand as I reached back to pull my phantom hair into a ponytail; I was surprised to remember that it wasn't there anymore. I picked up my phone to see a text from Edward.

- _Its gonna B worth it._

I wanted to cry at his optimism, but I settled for lying down and holding the teddy bear I pretended not to sleep with against my torso. I thought of Edward's face when he realized what I really was. And then I thought of the way he said he wanted to be with me anyway. And I held that in my heart, right next to my splinter.

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	15. Chapter 15

**I'm the worst, I know! I had family in town and forgot to post before they got here, and here I am, posting two days late. *sigh* However, I'm still going to post tomorrow as well, so I hope that helps! I haven't gotten to review replies yet, so you may get yours after you've already read this chapter. Sorry, again, guys! **

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**Edward**

Bella's boyfriend. I was dating Bella Hale. Edward Cullen and Isabella Hale were dating. I couldn't put the joy I felt into words, even when I kept telling myself I was dreaming.

On no planet was it logical for she and I to be together, yet that's what we were: together. Her mother teased us about it, but Bella didn't deny it. She was my girlfriend; I could call her that, I could introduce her as that, and it was fine with her. I was positively giddy.

The night our parents met was an interesting one. While everyone seemed to get along well, it was bizarre to see us all together. My dad and Bella's dad seemed to have nothing in common. My dad was a simple man who bought his clothes at a small hunting store downtown. He had been known to use dish soap for shampoo before. He only owned three pairs of shoes.

Bella's dad, while being a really nice guy, wore a watch that cost more than our cattle trailer. He dressed up in slacks and a button down for a barbecue. His hair was neatly combed, and I was pretty sure he plucked his eyebrows. The paunch on his stomach made me think he hadn't done any type of exercise in a long time.

Granted, they didn't let that stop them from getting plastered and laughing together all night, but it was sort of surreal to see a guy who introduced the world to a new era of Marvel comics sitting with a local rancher. I liked Charlie, even if he seemed distant most of the time. Bella really loved him, but he didn't seem like a very fatherly figure to me. While he was kind and liked to dote on his kids, I didn't get the feeling that he dispensed advice or really set down many boundaries.

Mom got along with Renee pretty well, though I could see the struggle in her eyes throughout conversation. Renee practically embodied the kind of girl that made Mom's high school years a living hell, and I didn't know if she'd let that go. Renee was sort of flighty, and had chosen her career over her children for several years, and that wasn't something my mom could respect. She was glad that the Swan/Hale family was trying to pull together now, but Mom was old-fashioned in a lot of ways.

Despite all of that, the evening ran smoothly until I made the mistake of asking Bella about guys she'd been with before. Seeing the look on her face when I asked her about one of her costars was enough to tell me I needed to back off. While the possessive part of me wanted to demand a tally of the guys she'd fucked before, I knew it would only hurt more to know.

I wanted to be honest with her and tell her how hard it was for me to know the kinds of things she'd been doing before she met me. I admitted that it made me not want to be with her. The look on her face when I said that made me quickly work to turn what I'd said around. I didn't know if there was anything she could tell me that would truly make me want to break up with her, but that didn't mean it was easy to hear, necessarily.

And then I told her that I understood somewhat. I couldn't begin to imagine the social climate she grew up in, or the kinds of things that were expected of her at an early age. And if her parents were as absent as I thought they were, she probably had no one to guide her through it all. I wanted to be mad at her, but I knew a lot of it was circumstantial.

I hated seeing the way her face crumbled, but I assured her that I wasn't turning away. When I told her before that I was all in, I meant it. I'd already chosen my path, and I was determined to follow it. I knew it wouldn't be easy; I knew things would haunt us for a long time, and that Bella's past would never fully die. But I was ready, even if I was only seventeen, to make that commitment. For the moment, we both wanted each other, and that's what mattered. That's what pushed me to stay.

The moments we had together, that night and the next day, were giving me a serious case of blue balls. Bella didn't seem to do anything and I was absolutely ravenous for her. What surprised me the most was how she thought I was using some tricks up my sleeve on her, when I was only doing what felt natural. Rose and I never had any romance, or anything even close, so I didn't have any moves or experience to put to good use.

She just smelled so damn good and felt so damn soft and I wanted to be over her, under her and inside of her all at once. I settled for nuzzling her hair and pawing at her hands, and finally, finally tasting her sweet mouth. God, the way she made me feel just kissing me almost made me come. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to turn us around and press her against the car and just…show her. But she pulled back, and thank God she did, because we needed to stay in control. It would be too easy to let things progress quickly, but neither of us needed that.

I hated that Bella was so insecure at times, though I felt the same way about myself. She worried I wouldn't want her if she didn't turn out a certain way, which was crazy, and I worried she would dump me when she realized what a pathetic nobody I was. We were both trying to settle into our new relationship and have a little faith, but it wasn't easy. Especially with the ghosts of her past looming over us, and my secret gnawing at my conscience.

After hearing Bella confirm that she'd hooked up with one of her costars, I had to fight with myself to keep from Googling every guy she'd ever been linked with. Alice caught me staring at the laptop we shared with a pain expression.

"What are you doing, twin?" she asked cautiously as she sat down on my bed next to me.

"I'm trying not to look up pictures of Bella with other guys," I admitted. Alice sighed heavily next to me before prying the laptop out of my hands.

"Edward. Listen to me," she started. "You will drive yourself crazy with this if you don't get a handle on it now. I know that it's easy to access Bella's past since she's been photographed for the past five years, but that's not really fair, is it? Wouldn't you rather hear it from her?"

"I'd rather not hear it at all, or see it, but I'm afraid my curiosity is going to eat me alive," I told her. "This sucks. I know there's a lot she won't tell me, and that's for the best—but it is so tempting to just look it all up."

"Do you think Bella's changing?" I looked at Alice's silver eyes and shrugged.

"She's trying. She's working through a lot of shit," I said without delving too deeply. I hadn't revealed what Bella was dealing with regarding Adderall, or anything like that, but I wasn't sure what Jas had told her.

"I know she's got, um, some problems," Alice hedged. "And I'm not judging! I think she's a great girl, and really trying to get better. I just want you to think about what she was doing when all of that…stuff was happening before. And think about how she's not doing any of that now. She's a different person, in a lot of ways."

I thought about what she was saying. I knew she was right, and I needed to try to let it go. I ran my fingers through my hair in agitation.

"You're right. You're right," I finally said resignedly.

"Do you think it's worth it?" Alice asked.

"What do you mean?"

"All of this pain you have to deal with. Is it worth it, to be with her?"

"Of course it is. I can't imagine walking away now." And I couldn't. Just envisioning a scenario where one of us wanted out made my stomach roll. Even if I had to deal with Bella's past every day, I would do it.

"Good. Just making sure you knew," she responded matter-of-factly. I shoved her shoulder playfully and laughed.

"Oh, you know-it-all," I teased.

After Alice left the room, I pulled out my phone and sent Bella a short text, letting her know that I wasn't going anywhere.

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**I know this was short, but in a little more than twenty-four hours, you'll have another chapter, so that helps...right?**

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	16. Chapter 16

**Hello again, guys! I was so excited to update, I didn't get to do review replies, but I promise I read, think about, and cherish every single one. Cross my heart. I hope you like this chapter...I'm so excited about the things that are coming up next, I almost accidentally posted a later chapter instead of this one, so I'm just glad I caught myself in time. Thanks for reading, ya'll!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

**(Back to Bella POV)**

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After eating three pieces of French toast floating in syrup with confectionary sugar, I slipped away to shower and mess with my hair for half an hour. I saved an enormous amount of time drying it, but wasted a dollop of shampoo in the shower when I squeezed out way too much. After tousling my choppy locks with my fingers, I let it finish drying on its own, and I fell in love once more with the easy style. Even though Edward and I were just going to watch movies all day, I still wanted to look good. A perusal through my closet led me to grab a pair of skintight black jeans I used to wear constantly in L.A. I knew they looked painted on—and were incredibly difficult to take off—and thought they'd be perfect for the day.

After hopping from foot to foot and trying to shimmy them up, I started to get concerned. I managed to slide them painfully over my hips, but I couldn't get the front to meet. I decided to lay on the bed and suck my stomach in, but when the button was latched and I stood up, I knew I couldn't wear them. They cut sharply into my skin, and I was sporting a small, unattractive muffin-top. I gasped in horror at the sight staring back at me in the mirror; I had no idea that I'd put on weight.

Of course my mother chose that as the time to knock on my door. After telling her she could come in, she took one look at my horrified expression and asked what was wrong.

"I'm getting fat!" I exclaimed dramatically as I flopped back onto the bed and tried to peel the wretched jeans off. Mom managed to avoid my flailing legs and give the bottoms a good tug to start pulling them off of me.

"Bella, you are not getting fat," she said with a grunt as she tugged once more at the pants. Once they got past my thighs they rolled off easily, but it didn't feel good on my skin to have the seams scrape as they did. "A few pounds won't kill you."

"That's easy for you to say, you're perpetually thin," I whined at her.

She blinked at me several times. "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Listen," she told me as she peered at the tag on the inside of the jeans. "These are twenty-fours—children can barely fit into these. Don't judge yourself based on something like this."

"I'm not, but everyone else wears them, too," I argued.

"Honey, we're not in L.A. Look around. No one's wearing these. Honestly, you could stand to put on some weight. Why Hollywood insists on women looking prepubescent is beyond me."

I eyed her for a moment, taking in the shape and slope of her body, not wanting to admit she was right. I thought she looked great, and she couldn't be smaller than a size eight. I wasn't done being petulant, however. "I don't have anything that fits."

"I'm sure that's not true," she told me. "And we can go shopping soon, if you're worried."

"A, where the hell will we go shopping, and B, do you think I'm going to gain so much weight I need a new wardrobe?" I nearly shouted.

"Bella, calm down. We can drive to a bigger city, or, heaven forbid, just order online. And, no, I don't think anything, I just want you to be happy," she said sternly as she glanced at my bedside clock. "Edward will be here any minute, and I guarantee you, he doesn't care if you're a size zero or not."

"You don't know that," I responded hotly as I jumped up and searched for something looser to put on.

"I'm pretty sure," she said just as a knock sounded on the door. "That's probably him."

She turned and headed out of the room while I pulled on a random pair of old jeans I kept around for PMS days. I heard Edward's voice and decided to stop obsessing and just go down the hall. Once I saw him, wearing almost baggy jeans and an old t-shirt, I let out a sigh of relief. I knew my mom was right, and I also knew that I could go up a few sizes and Edward wouldn't care. I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't just like me because I was thin. On film or TV, I looked petite, with a few curves; in person, I knew I looked verging on sickly skinny. I had to stay small to contend with the other girls in Hollywood, and the Adderall helped suppress my appetite immensely. Since cutting back on the pills, I found that I felt hungry all the time. I knew it probably wasn't long before I began to look more corn-fed like the other girls at school.

I greeted Edward with an uncharacteristically enthusiastic wave/hug combo, and he reciprocated without hesitation. Mom chatted with the two of us for a few minutes before we moved to the family room and got our Truffaut marathon started. Jas popped in and said bye before heading over to pick up Alice, and Dad made himself scarce for the majority of the day. After watching _The 400 Blows_, we made sandwiches for lunch and sat across from one another, smiling stupidly at the other every few seconds.

Once I was done eating, I leaned back and placed a hand over my flat stomach. "God, I have got to stop eating so much. I'm starting to get fat."

I was fishing. I knew I was fishing, but that knowledge didn't halt the expedition. I wanted a compliment. I wanted Edward to tell me that I was beautiful and unbelievable and that I looked perfect. His raised eyebrow told me that I wasn't fooling him. He smiled indulgently.

"But, Bella, you look so amazing—now, and if you put on a few pounds. You'll always be beautiful," he said, his voice half-joking. I hoped he really thought those things, but I could tell he was humoring me. "_Way_ prettier than _every_ other girl in Havre. Which is tough competition, I assure you."

I cracked a smile at his theatrics, but couldn't hold my tongue from asking the question that immediately came to mind. "Prettier than Rosalie?"

Edward's face hardened as he looked at me. "The truth?"

I nodded even though I was suddenly terrified; I thought Rose was a knockout, and hearing that from him would probably crush my already dwindling self-esteem.

"Rose is very pretty. She was probably the prettiest girl I'd ever seen before. You are also very pretty. But, you and Rose have something in common," he said almost reluctantly. "You both think that you need layers of makeup and perfect clothes to look good. You were right that day in class when you were guessing my type. I prefer more of a natural beauty. The girl that doesn't know she's beautiful."

I felt spirits sink. His perfect girl was practically the opposite of me. Not only did I put a lot of effort into the way I looked, but I put all of my self-worth into it.

"You are a natural beauty, when you let people see you. I've seen pictures of you without a stitch of makeup on, and I think you're more gorgeous like that than at any of those premieres or parties you went to. You don't have to try so hard for me. I think you look great, and if you gained twenty pounds, I would still think you look great. If you never fixed your hair, or put any makeup on, I would think you looked great. I like you, Bella," he said sincerely. "You. Not the Isabella Hale presented in the media."

I decided to try to believe his words, even if it was hard to imagine. He stood up and walked around the table to run his hand comfortingly down my spine. The things I felt when he touched me were unimaginable—it made me wonder if I were ever really attracted to any of the guys I'd been with before. No one made me feel like that before. As Edward's hand worked it's way into the hair at the nape of my neck, I felt my whole body turn to mush. I relaxed against his side as he stood next to me, and fought to keep my eyes open.

"Do you want to start the next movie?" he asked, bringing me out of his trance. I nodded and hopped off the stool. "And, by the way, you are much prettier than Rose."

I couldn't stop the triumphant smile that spread across my face, and Edward rolled his eyes at my reaction. He grabbed my hand and led us back to the family room for the next movie. Four hours later, after watching both _Jules and Jim_ and _The Last Metro_, Edward had to go home. I considered our seven hours spent together an amazing date, though I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. Being with him, even just silent beside him, felt amazingly comfortable and easy. Talking with him was much more difficult because I still wanted to hide; it was hard for me to turn off "Isabella" and just be myself.

I walked Edward out to his car and admired the way he seemed to glow in the dusky sky. His hair and eyes took on a darker hue while his skin looked lighter and silky. I saw his eyes dart to my lips and then back to my eyes before he leaned in, and I wanted to squeal with excitement but also hold very still as he pressed his lips to mine. It was just an exciting as the night before, and lasted longer, and when I felt his lips open, I was ready. I followed suit and our tongues began the slow, languorous meet-and-greet I'd been waiting for.

While I wanted to lose myself in Edward's kiss, I couldn't. I was battling the familiar urge I had to consume and use and abandon when I was done. That wasn't something I could do with him, and fighting that took some willpower. I felt the soft fabric of his shirt under my hands as they fisted on his back; I focused on the way his fingers delicately tangled in my hair. I took note of the way the air felt and the time of day and the emotions blooming and bursting in my stomach. I knew I wouldn't have another kiss like that, and I wanted to remember everything.

Once I felt a stirring in my abdomen and my muscles tense, I knew I needed to end the kiss. My body wanted to press up against him until he fell against his car. My hips wanted to push into his until there was friction and franticness and fervor. My heart, my soul, whatever it was inside wasn't ready, but my body was just so damn turned on. I released his lips and watched as his eyes slowly opened to peer into mine. We were so close, and nowhere near as close as I wanted to be. Edward cleared his throat before speaking.

"I'll see you in the morning?" he asked quietly.

"Of course. Bright and early," I told him with a smile. He looked sort of bashful and innocent after making out for a few brief moments, and I wanted to pepper his face with more kisses. "You can call me tonight, if you want. Before you go to sleep."

"Or, you could call me," he pointed out. I shrugged to acknowledge his words. "I'll talk to you later, Bella. Be good."

He kissed my temple once more before I stepped away. I saw him discreetly adjust himself just as he moved to sit in his car, and I felt a strange relief at the sight. It made it easier knowing he wanted me, too. I felt a little less like a slut, and a little more normal.

I was so tired by nine o'clock that I was ready to turn in. I called Edward and talked about random things from our childhoods until I started dozing. He had to get up early to help his dad, so when I shook myself from another stupor, I finally told him goodnight. I fell asleep with images running rampant in my head—things that I hadn't considered before, things like not having to spend an hour getting ready for school, and things like Edward accepting me unconditionally.

Another part of me, the logical part, told me that I was setting myself up for a fall. The cynical part of me told me Edward wouldn't stick around. The pessimistic part said I still had a long way to go. That part still wanted things I couldn't have.

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	17. Chapter 17

**Happy Friday, ya'll This week has been a weird one, but it's looking up. Hope you like the chapter, and I can't wait to hear what you think!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

**Song rec: Tegan and Sara - "Don't Rush"**

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September passed quietly and ushered in a month like none I'd experienced before. Within a couple of weeks, Mom cut back my pills to every other day, and for the most part, I was okay. While I felt alright the majority of the time, there were still days where I didn't want to move or speak or think. If it weren't for Edward, I probably wouldn't have done well in any of my classes. He still took me home when Jas had play rehearsal, and he sat at the kitchen table with me, diligently working through both of our assignments. He pushed when I needed it, backed off when I got bitchy, and also managed to charm the pants off my mother.

Mom was working full time on the novel I didn't know she wanted to write, and Edward found himself talking to her about it frequently. After finally admitting that he had a bit of a fanboy crush on her, she asked him his opinion on everything from character development to plot. I teased him, telling him he'd probably have a glowing thank you in the foreword of the book, if it got published.

I ended up petulantly giving in and going shopping with Mom to buy some bigger clothes. Even when I tried to moderate what I was eating, it didn't make a difference. More than anything, I seemed to be growing a bigger ass, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I traded my size zeros in for twos, and had some fours waiting in the wings. I was embarrassed for the most part, feeling like a cow, but I knew I was overreacting. If I saw any of my friends back home, they'd no doubt notice, but no one else had a problem with it—apart from me.

Edward hands liked to roam my newly filled out backside, and I felt his genuine appreciate against my stomach each time. While we hadn't moved beyond making out and the occasional ass grab, I was learning exactly what he liked and what he didn't, what drove him crazy and what slowed him down, and it was great. The fact that I hadn't jumped him or demanded more action was a testament to the fact that I actually liked him and wanted things to progress naturally.

I was satisfied with getting to know every part of him, from his strong shoulders from lifting bales of hay, to the scar on his neck from getting hit by a rock when his dad was mowing the lawn. It seemed that he never was at a loss for stories to tell. His childhood had been an exciting one, filled with days of playing and laughing and exploring, and even though he'd barely left the state, he'd seen so much.

I was initially grossed out when he talked about watching a calf being born, but the way he spoke of the animal so reverently made the entire thing seem beautifully natural. I laughed when he told me about chasing Alice around with crawdads from a nearby creek, and I couldn't help but cry when he talked about the dog he'd had from the time he was born being put down. I heard about his grandparents and his cousins and his old friends and the man he hoped to be one day.

I told him all of the things I could remember that weren't terribly defaming to my character. He got to hear about all the places I'd visited while doing press tours, all the famous people I'd met at parties, and the car I'd driven during the two-month period I'd had my license. He thought everything I said was thrilling and unbelievable—the kind of stuff people dream about. I realized I was painting a poor picture of what my life was actually like; I told him about premieres and events and dresses, but there was so much I left out.

I didn't tell him about the pressure to act like a grown up before I was even a teenager. I didn't tell him that the first boy I blew when I was twelve was a seventeen-year-old actor who said he'd help me out with my career. I didn't tell him about being lonely while Mom and Dad were working and Jas lost himself in music. I never mentioned the long days and nights where I only spoke to my tutor and my agents, where I stared at my imperfect body for hours in the mirror, poking and prodding and marking and dreaming about the plastic surgery I'd get done when I got older.

I never told him about the brush-offs I'd received from other actors my age, or the parties I was turned away from. I didn't tell him how it felt to have pictures of my drunk, stumbling ass plastered across websites and blogs and tweets and how I continued to go out anyway. I didn't tell him about the things my friends said to my face when they were high, the things that they meant, that were true, that hurt me and haunted me and made me wish I were someone else.

It was amazing the kind of life I could draw up for myself when I left out the most important parts. I had nice clothes, a fancy home and a big name. I had loads of money in the bank and little girls wanting to be me. I had all of that, so I didn't focus on what I didn't have. Edward knew I'd partied too hard and slept with too many people, but he didn't need to know the psychological repercussions of my upbringing. There was no reason for me to tell him about the things my mother turned a blind eye to—I didn't need to burst his bubble. I didn't need to tell him about how some of my father's associates begged me to wash their cars in a bikini as an "audition" for a role I never got. Edward didn't need to know all of the gross things my parents pretended didn't happen.

So, Edward believed what I told him, and when he was too busy with the stars in his eyes, I looked away and thought about how I wished what he thought were true.

Other than the things I wasn't telling him, he and I were doing well. We spent as much time together as we could, and he started showing me more of the farm. I got to see him in action as he herded some of the cattle to a pasture on the other side of the Cullen's property.

He helped me ride his dad's horse and kept me calm when I told him the animal kept turning his head to glare at me. I loved riding across the fields with him by my side, laughing and looking and just existing. I hated the way I felt when I hopped off of the horse and realized I couldn't put my legs back together. Edward laughed at me all evening as I winced and sat gingerly at the dinner table. He offered to help massage the kinks out, and as tempting as the offer was, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle Edward's hands that high on my thighs, or that near to the spot that really, really wanted him.

Some days I wondered why the hell Edward even liked me, but for the most part, I accepted that he wanted to be with me, too.

Before I knew it, fall had taken over completely and we were left with brightly colored trees and crisp breezes and shorter days. Halloween was approaching, as was the opening night of _Little Shop of Horrors_. Jas was pretty excited and not nervous at all. He wanted to impress Alice, though he didn't need to do anything in order to have her fawn all over him. The way her eyes followed him as he moved, and the near-devotion she exhibited to every word out of his mouth, was almost comical. She seemed to think the sun rose and set in his ass.

My pill supply was dwindling, and Mom gave me the choice to continue with every other day until I ran out, or cutting back again to every three days. I decided to just get it over with, so the countdown began: I had eight pills left, and I would be finished the first day of November.

It was old news in town that Edward and I were a couple. While the PDA was mostly kept to a minimum, we did share the occasional public kiss and our hands were generally always melded together. Rose toned down her hostile behavior, choosing to embrace more of a "Cold War" stance instead of anything particularly aggressive, or so I thought.

Opening night arrived and my family sat with Edward's as we anxiously awaited the start of the show. Alice had been a nervous wreck the entire week, running around frantically trying to make sure everything was perfect. Jas was still his cool, collected self and I couldn't help but envy him. Other than the morning he cried in the car, nothing ever ruffled his feathers. Once the lights dimmed and the curtain opened, we were treated to an entertaining show.

At times, Jas was shockingly good. Then he was hilariously bad. And then he was so bad he was good. I laughed until I cried, but I couldn't help but be proud of his effort; it was obvious he'd worked very hard, whether it was for Alice's benefit or not. Rosalie had a decent voice and her acting was okay, if not a bit hammy. After the actors took their bow, and the mastermind behind Audrey II's puppet contraption got a standing ovation, the lights flickered back on and we waited for Jas and Alice to come back out.

Mom and Dad chatted amiably with Esme and Carlisle, making plans for them to come back to our house with us for a celebratory dessert. I was impressed that they both managed to come across as down-to-earth, and not condescending towards the entire school production and those involved. While I knew my parents weren't bad people, I also knew they'd both been in the L.A. scene for far too long to be that nice naturally. I appreciated their effort, especially concerning Edward's parents. Edward and I took advantage of the moment and shared a couple sweet kisses and little nuzzles before breaking apart. The smallest things made fire erupt under my skin, and butterflies take flight in my stomach. I was getting addicted to Edward's slight stubble and the calluses on his hands.

Our two families drove back to our house and had a pretty raucous time. Alice was so relieved that there were no major mishaps, and Jas was on a post-show high. I ate two pieces of cake along with two scoops of ice cream, self-consciously tugging at the tightening waistband on my jeans and contemplating pulling out my size fours. Edward and the rest of his family left just before midnight, and I kissed him goodbye at the door. I would see him the following night, but we weren't going to the show again. I wished Alice good luck and waved as they turned around in the driveway.

As I headed down the hall to get ready for bed, Mom pulled me aside and gave me a tight hug.

"I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you," she told me as she held me to her. "I know it's not easy. I know sometimes you probably want to throw a fit or sleep for days, but you've done so well. I just wanted you to know."

"Thanks, Mom," I said as I returned her embrace. I felt pretty proud of myself, though most of the time it was hard since I knew the thoughts and cravings running through my mind. Even though it was hard, I had to admit that I thought I was doing well.

My phone woke me up the next morning with its incessant buzzing by my bed. I picked it up, blearily seeing Edward's name; I was surprised he was calling so early since he'd be coming over later. I groggily answered.

"Please, tell me you didn't do it," he demanded roughly. I could tell by the sound of his voice that not only had he been up for a while, but that he was irritated, probably because he couldn't get a hold of me.

"Do what?" I asked, trying to stifle my yawn.

"Send that picture," he answered in frustration.

"What picture? I don't know what you're talking about," I told him honestly. My sleepy brain wasn't working quite yet, and he was confusing me.

Edward was silent for a few moments as I tried to wake myself up more. I sat up and sighed heavily as I waited for him to speak.

"Bella, get your laptop," he ordered. Something started tingling and flashing in the back of my mind, and I instantly knew that whatever he was talking about was bad. I threw the covers off of my legs and walked to my desk to unplug my computer. I brought it back to the bed with me and opened it slowly.

"I have it," I told him.

"Go to… go anywhere. Any of those celebrity sites you know about," he said, his voice taking on a nervous tone.

I pulled up one of the random bookmarked sites and waited for it to load. Once the header and the article names came up, I was shocked to see my name listed at the top. I scrolled down to see two side-by-side pictures of Edward and I from the night before. In one we were talking, my face turned up to look at him with a smile on my face. In the other, we were kissing, and Edward's hands were locked over the small of my back. I didn't realize I hadn't said anything until I heard Edward's voice again.

"Well? So, you didn't do this?" he asked quietly. I read the headline and gasped. Written in bold letters just above the photo, it said, "Isabella Hale Slumming It With Farm Boy." The blurb beneath the photos was short, but it clearly listed Havre, Montana as the location.

"Fuck," I muttered, trying desperately to wish all of it away. I shut my eyes, praying I was still dreaming, praying that all of America didn't know where I was, and that Edward didn't have to be involved. "God, I swear…Edward, I didn't do this. I'm sorry."

"I know," he said.

"Do you want to come on over? We'll have breakfast or something," I suggested. He agreed with a grunt and a promise to see me soon before he hung up.

Feeling dreadfully alert, I grabbed my laptop and walked down to the kitchen to find both my parents at the table drinking coffee. I placed the computer screen between them and pointed mutely. Their reactions were strikingly similar to my own, and Dad groaned as he ran his hands through his hair in annoyance.

"Well, this is just great," he said loudly. "I knew we shouldn't have sent you to public school."

"Charlie," Mom said in a scolding tone. "You know that has nothing to do with it. This could happen anywhere, and honestly, I'm surprised it didn't happen earlier."

"I don't care that Hollywood or the paparazzi or whoever know where I am, but I don't want Edward dragged into this," I told them. I scanned the article, relieved that his name wasn't mentioned.

I sat down at the table with them, and after pulling up a few other websites, I saw that no one had Edward's name. I did see some pretty degrading comments about the weight I'd put on and the apparently "hideous and unflattering" haircut I was sporting. The thing that bothered me most was the most the bloggers kept saying that I was slumming it. In my opinion, Edward was much too good for me, but no one saw it that way. Even though they all ate me alive before, constantly bashing me and my reputation, they still thought I was too good for a "regular" person.

Edward knocked on the front door, and my mom let him in. She had her arm around him comfortingly as they walked in, and I wanted to cry at the defeated look on his face. I grabbed for his hand and tugged him towards me, forcing him to sit on my lap. I heard him grumble before I wrapped my arms around his middle.

"You're not too heavy," I told him as I pressed my face to his back. I worried that he would break up with me once he realized how much shit went along with the celebrity aspect of my life. I also worried he'd feel badly about himself after seeing what those articles said.

Mom sat down two cups of coffee in front of us, and I reluctantly let go so Edward could sit in his own seat. I reached for his hand once he got settled, needing to feel some sort of connection to him. I realized belatedly that I was still in my pajamas and I hadn't even brushed my teeth. I took a sip of coffee, choosing to mask my morning breath until I could get in the bathroom.

"These things happen, Edward," my mom told him with a small smile. "It'll all blow over soon."

He nodded, but the four of us were quiet for the rest of the morning. I excused myself to get cleaned up, and I heard Edward talking to Jas once he emerged from his room. When I was dressed and ready for the day, wearing the slouchiest clothes I owned and not a stitch of makeup, I pulled Edward away from my family and back down to my room.

"You know what I want to do today?" I asked him in a cheery voice.

"What?" he questioned, still somewhat despondent. He'd barely said a word to me after showing up, and all I wanted to do was wipe the frown off his face.

"I want to spend the day with you. I don't care what we do, I just want to be with you," I told him, hoping he heard the sincerity in my voice. His eyes shot to my disbelievingly. He knew what I was trying to tell him. I wasn't good at saying mushy things, or admitting that I wanted him around for a long, long time but he knew me well enough to read the subtext.

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Do you want the same?" I asked, my muscles tensing in expectation of what he might say. I feared he didn't feel that way, or that he changed his mind about us.

"More than anything," he spoke softly, looking just past me before finally meeting my gaze once more. I nodded before pulling him to me as I leaned back, resting his head on my chest. His arm wrapped around my torso and I felt the edge of desperation in his embrace. I wanted to erase every bad thought he'd had since seeing that picture, but I couldn't. I would just have to assure him that I really, truly wanted him.

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**I'm so excited for the next chapter, I wish it were Monday already so I could post it!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Without further adieu, here it is...all will be revealed!**

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After the eventful morning we'd had, Edward and I chose to hole ourselves up in the family room and continue the Truffaut marathon from a few weeks before. After finishing the remaining two films, we cuddled like lovesick fools and watched the room darken around us. Edward's hands and lips felt needy as they sought me out, searching for physical reassurance from my body and mind both. The way his mouth felt below my ear was almost enough to make me cross the invisible boundaries I'd set, but I knew I needed to stay strong. I also knew that satisfying Edward's physical urges wouldn't do a damn thing to settle his mind.

"Babe," I began, trying to lean away from his hungry mouth. "I'm sorry you're being dragged into this."

His eyes immediately dropped to his lap as he nodded slowly in agreement.

"You know I'd let you go if you said you couldn't handle this stuff, but I would hate every second of it," I told him, hoping to let him know that he had an option, but also that I wanted him. "And, like Mom said, it'll get better. This will blow over once somebody else does something stupid or hooks up with some other star."

"Yeah," he agreed noncommittally. His hand remained firmly gripped by mine, but his eyes glazed over as his mind went somewhere else. I waited for a few minutes to see if he'd say anything else, but he didn't. I couldn't believe somehow I'd become the stable, rational person in the relationship, but I knew he needed a voice of reason.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I begged him quietly.

"Is this some sort of…fling with us? Are you just getting your rocks off with a farm boy while you're stuck here?" he asked. His voice wasn't accusatory or derisive, but just sad.

"No! You can't really think that," I prodded.

"I didn't, but…it doesn't make sense that you'd want to go out with me," he explained.

"Don't you think I feel the same way?" I asked him, his eyes flickering to my face in surprise. "Don't you think I worry that everything you thought when I first moved here is true? And that you'll figure it out and leave me? I'm so fucking worried all of the time that if you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn't want anything to do with me. There's a lot you don't know, and what you've seen so far is just the tip of the iceberg. If you're freaking out now, I don't know if you can handle it all."

By the time my mini-rant was done, his eyes were watching me with a reluctant sadness. He looked resigned and unhappy. He looked like he knew what a bad person I really was.

"And I don't know what's fair in this situation. I feel like you should know about what I've done, but I don't want you to hurt. I'm not sure which way to go," I told him in a softer voice. I knew I needed to tell him what happened to precipitate the move to Montana, but I really didn't want to. I didn't want to tell him about the things I'd done that night. I also toyed with the idea of telling him why I didn't have a driver's license anymore, but I wasn't sure it was necessary for him to know.

"You know that you can tell me—and that I want to know—anything and everything," he finally replied. "I'm sorry I'm acting all pathetic and pouting, but I worry, too. I'm afraid you'll realize how completely uninteresting I am, and how you're way out of my league. There are things I want to hide, too. You're not the only one."

"How could you want to hide anything? You're perfect; your life is perfect," I blurted out.

"It's not. There are things I've struggled with, and things that embarrass me, and I hope to God every day that no one at school tells you," he explained.

"I don't think there's anything you could tell me that would make me feel differently about you," I told him after a pause. I searched my words to make sure they were true, but they didn't feel like a lie. I was feeling pretty damn needy and desperate, too, but I tried not to be overly aggressive.

Edward's eyes stayed fixed on mine as he measured my words. "Look…what if we…how about you tell me if I tell you?"

"You'll do that? You'll go first?"

"I will. But you might not have to go at all. You might kick me out after I tell you," Edward said.

"It can't be that bad," I told him honestly. He was quiet for a few more seconds, presumably getting the courage to tell me whatever I had to say.

"Have you ever noticed how I don't have any friends at school?" he asked suddenly. I started to argue with him before realizing that apart from Jas, Alice and me, he didn't talk to anyone else. Before that, he had Rosalie, but I didn't know of anyone else he hung out with before.

"Well, you had Rose and her friends, right?"

"Rose was my girlfriend, and then her girlfriends talked to me, but that's it. Have you seen me hang out with any other guys?" I shook my head, not sure where he was going with the line of questioning.

"And how I don't have any extracurriculars? No sports, no nothing?"

"I didn't think about it, I guess," I answered.

"Well, there's a reason," he hedged, seeming unsure if he wanted to continue. "God, I don't know why I'm doing this. This isn't going to help my case at all."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want you to break up with me, and here I am, about to tell you the single most mortifying, alienating experience of my entire life," he said with a dark laugh. "Fuck it."

He took a deep breath and started his story. "So, when I was younger, I was really into sports: football, basketball, baseball, anything. When I was in eighth grade, I was on the middle school football team. I was a running back, pretty good. Looking forward to playing varsity when I moved up.

"As you know, the team showers after practice every day. So, we're in the locker room, and I'm not really paying attention, just washing off, like I always did. Out of nowhere, I popped a boner," he said quickly. I felt my mouth drop but hurried to correct it. I literally had no clue that his story was going in that direction.

"I felt it happening, but no matter what I thought about, I couldn't get it to go down. And I couldn't hide it; I was in a room full of other dudes. Next thing I knew, one guy saw and started yelling and everyone looked and started calling me a faggot. They all refused to change or shower with me in the room, so I quit the team. They all made fun of me at school, and the only person that would talk to me was Alice. I stayed out of school for a week, faking sick, until Mom made me go back," he said. I could see the pain in his eyes as he relived his humiliating past, and I couldn't imagine what that felt like. I'd been in a lot of bad, embarrassing situations, but I hadn't had to face ridicule like that every day. I hadn't had to face people every single day as they mocked me.

"The guys didn't tease me as much when we got to high school, but none of them forgot. They stayed away from me in gym. No guys would hang out with me at all. Alice had to defend me all the time. I was paranoid that maybe I was gay and didn't realize it, so my head was all messed up. When Rosalie asked me out, I thought she was my saving grace. Once we started fooling around, I was convinced I wasn't gay, but the whole thing was…I don't know. I don't know why it happened in the locker room that day. I was fourteen—that shit just happened sometimes. Dating Rose helped a little, but no guys would talk to me anyway."

"I'm sorry, Edward. That really sucks," I told him sympathetically. I hadn't thought at all about how he didn't hang out with any other guys, or even talk to them in the halls at school. I knew it had to have been a nightmare to keep going to school with everyone talking about him like that.

I put my arm around his back and hugged him to me.

"What, you still like me? Or do you think I'm a faggot?" he asked without looking at me.

"I do like you, and I don't think that of you, and I hate that word," I told him in a harsh tone. "I'm from Hollywood. I know more gay people than I can count, and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I don't want you to say that word like it's a disease."

"I'm not gay," he said defensively. "I want you."

"I know you do. And I still want you, and it's really terrible that you had to go through all of that, but I don't care. It doesn't change anything. But, I don't want you to be small-minded like all of those other guys," I said.

"I know, I know. I don't want to be, but I'm still so angry about the whole thing. Other than Alice, you and Jas are the first people to treat me like a regular person. Like someone worth knowing. I've been paranoid that someone would tell you guys what happened and you'd drop me, too."

I could hear the naïveté in his voice, and I knew that he was serious. I couldn't imagine what it was like for those two months, constantly afraid I would find out. Or that Jas would find out.

"It's not like you could help it. I remember, when I was younger, Jas got a chubby when we were visiting my grandmother. From what I understand, it's not something you can control at that age," I told him in a lighthearted tone. "And I promise, even if Jas finds out, he won't care. He thinks you're yummy, anyway. He probably has gay dreams about you."

"Oh, God, Isabella Hale, you are such a liar! He does not," Edward said, unable to hold back a laugh.

"He does, too! He went on and on about those 'great Cullen genes' one day, I swear," I told him, delighting in the way his cheeks turned pink. I hated that he felt so self-conscious, and I wanted to assure him that what he told me didn't change anything. "Thank you for telling me. And, I promise, I still want you. You're my boyfriend until you order me away, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay. I'll try to believe you," he offered. He waited for a second before grabbing my hand. "So…are you going to tell me, now?"

"Yeah…I was wondering something, though," I said. "Did Rose hear about the locker room thing?"

"Yeah. I mean, she never really mentioned it to me, but I know she had to know," he told me.

"Don't you think it's weird that she pursued you after that? I'm just saying, she doesn't seem like the type to go against the grain about that kind of thing, you know?"

"I've wondered the same thing, but I never really thought about it too much. I don't know…I guess I just thought she liked me," he said.

"You're probably right," I agreed quickly, though I still thought the entire situation was odd. Rosalie was way too Queen Bee to have just decided to go after someone low on the totem pole like that.

I grimaced as I realized it was time to tell him my story. I imagined him running from the house and never looking back. There wasn't a cell in my body that wanted to tell him what happened to make us move, but he deserved to know, and we made a deal. I had to suck it up and tell him.

"So, as you know, I was big in the party scene in L.A., and I had this one girl I ran around with a lot—Victoria Benson. She's the daughter of this 'director' who really just does porn for the most part, and she's bad news. I can't even say we were friends, really, because we didn't get along. I helped her get into clubs, and she helped me get…everything. Guys, drugs, whatever. Well, back in July, we went on a bender. I was gone for three days. No one could get in touch with me, so my parents started freaking out after the second day. Jas called everyone he knew. My agent and publicist were trying to track me down, but Vic and I had sort of gone off grid, I guess you could say," I explained.

"What were you guys doing?" Edward asked. I was hoping he wouldn't ask that, but I wanted to be truthful.

"We were doing a lot of coke…well, what we had was called 'Fairy Dust.' Coke cut with X. You feel like you can just…fly away. Between lines of that, we were eating mushrooms. I can barely remember anything that happened during those few days; every time we came down, we'd do more. Every time I was lucid, I was in a different place with some different people, but Vic was always with me. Her boy Demetri was hooking us up with the drugs, and we were all over the place. I don't even now how we got around. I'm pretty sure we drove out to Palm Springs at one point."

"Shit," he muttered.

"Anyway, so, we get back into town, and I am just blitzed out of my mind. I remember a few things before I passed out, but most of it was a blur. I woke up in my front yard, on my back, with my mom standing over me. My dress was flipped up and filthy and I didn't have any underwear on. I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth in days, my makeup was smeared all over my face, my hair was in this huge knot in the back of my head. She thought I'd been attacked or something," I said, remembering the look on her face when she found me.

"She tried to get me to go to the hospital for a rape kit, but I told her I knew I hadn't been raped. She was so afraid someone had drugged me and attacked me, and she eventually pulled some strings and got a doctor and nurse both to come to the house so I wouldn't be seen at the hospital. The verdict was while I'd had sex, it didn't appear to be forced. Mom calmed down some, so I took a shower and tried to come down all the way—the drugs were so heavy, I felt them for almost a day after I'd stopped.

"When I came out of the bathroom, Mom was sitting on my bed, looking at my phone. She'd plugged it up to charge, and apparently Vic sent a video and Mom watched it. It was only about four minutes long, but I was…in the video I pulled my underwear off and wrapped it around this girl's face and tried to make her…do things to me and Vic. She refused and I slapped her and tried to step over top of her and sit on her, but this guy showed up and told me he'd do it, and…anyway. So by the time the video cut off, I was on top of this guy, in the middle of some parking lot, letting Vic feed me more mushrooms. I don't even know who he was. Or the girl I hit," I said sadly.

"That was the breaking point. Mom and Dad both got out of any contracts they had and moved us out here. So, you see, I'm not…even close…to the person you think I am," I told him. I was terrified to look at him. I shut my eyes and waited for him to yell at me or call me names again, or maybe just leave without saying anything.

"What happened to Victoria?" he asked quietly. I was surprised he even asked a question after everything I'd told him. I was surprised he cared at all. I sort of hated myself for what'd I'd done that night. Just thinking about the person I saw on that video, and hearing the things coming out of my mouth was enough to make me feel sick to my stomach.

"She just…I never heard from her again," I said in a strained voice. I felt my stomach roll one more time, and I jumped up and ran to the hallway bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet in time to lose everything I'd had for lunch.

Just as another round of retching started, I felt someone pulling my choppy hair back. I felt them crouch behind me, and I recognized the feel of Edward's hand on my back, and the soft whisper of his voice. Once I felt like I was finished, I let my body fall back into his. He reached around me and flushed the toilet before stretching his arm up to grab a hand towel from the sink. He turned the faucet on and got the corner of the towel wet, then leaned towards me and wiped at my mouth and cheeks. His left arm wrapped around my shoulders and he held me tightly to my chest. The tears that sprang to my eyes fell rapidly onto his exposed forearm, and I heard his voice in my ear once more.

"Bella," he said gently. "It's all right, now."

"God," I wailed. "How can you even stand me? I am so…sick of myself."

"I care about you. And that girl isn't who you are. She was just messed up and confused. Yeah, you chose to take the drugs and hang out with Victoria, but there's a lot of other shit that happened way before that. A lot of shit that shouldn't have happened, and that wasn't your fault," he tried to assure me.

"No. No. It was all my choice."

"Bella, you were way too young to make some of the choices you made that led to all of this. You can't blame yourself for being thirteen and trying to make it on your own and getting mixed up like that."

"Maybe, but that's no excuse for how I acted—or what I did—just a couple of months ago," I argued. My face felt entirely too hot, and Edward's body was starting to make me feel claustrophobic. I tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let go.

"Listen to me," he said as I struggled against him. "Listen. You're not too far-gone. You're not past redemption."

I relaxed my muscles and gave into his strong arms. I wanted so badly to believe the words he was saying, but there was too much going on inside my head. Too many words combated what he was telling me.

"I don't know," I told him. I wasn't even sure what I was referring to, but I was utterly clueless about everything. Myself, what I was doing, what he was doing with me, what I wanted to happen with us, what I wanted to do in the future, who the person inside of me actually was…I was lost.

"Maybe you don't. But you're trying. You're here, and you're trying to be better. I know you're confused and scared right now. I'm scared. But I know there's more to you than just that girl. You're more than a movie star, or a drugged up socialite, or even your parents' daughter or Jas's sister. You're more than my girlfriend. I have no doubt that you'll do great things and go places and probably blow this town. You're still young enough to turn everything around, Bella. You have to believe that. You're already trying," he said sincerely. His words stirred something in me. I wanted to be more than what I was. I wanted that so badly.

"Shit. You're like…a motivational speaker or something. You should write self-help books," I said with a sniffle. I reached up to wipe my runny nose as Edward chuckled softly into my hair.

"I know what you're doing," he told me. "And I'll let you do it right now. But you have to also let me in. Don't shut me out."

"I'll try. And you have to do the same," I responded. It made it easier to not have to face him as I spoke. It made me feel a little safer. He nodded and we both stood up. I brushed my teeth quickly before following Edward back down the hall. The family room was dark now, the sun completely set, and I let him pull me close to him as we sat on the couch. I finally glanced at his face and saw that his eyes looked a little wet. I reached up, feeling childlike, and touched the corner of one eye with the tip of my finger. I saw the small amount of moisture glisten from the TV's glow before turning my eyes back to him.

"I hate seeing you so upset," he explained. "It makes me upset."

And it was that—just that—just that simple statement that brought everything home in my mind. Just like when he told me what happened to him at school. Like when my heart ached imagining him being ostracized. Like when I felt murderously angry and wanted to castrate every guy that ever laughed at him. Like when I felt a lump in my throat when I saw that he believed he wasn't good enough for me. He felt that way about me. He didn't want me to hurt. He felt shame with me, and fear with me, and sadness with me. There was more there than I realized. There was more between us than I thought.

I couldn't put a name on it. I couldn't call it love, yet, because I didn't know what that was like. This thing with Edward and I was so new, so young and fragile, I didn't want to name it too soon. It was like a baby bird, not quite ready to leave the nest. I needed to nurture it a bit more before I labeled it.

But it was there. I felt it move and tangle between us, connecting us in a way that wouldn't just fade away or be forgotten. It was there.

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**So, there you have it! I can't wait to hear from you guys on this one...I'm a little nervous.**


	19. Chapter 19

**So, I forgot I had a little EPOV for you guys today, so Monday's update will be the one dealing with the aftermath of the photo being leaked...you all have your suspicions on who did it, and all will be revealed Monday. Happy Friday!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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**Edward**

Life was hard. It was easy, with Bella, but it was hard. Between working on the farm, going to school, doing both my and Bella's homework, and trying to see my family, I was worn out. I tried not to let it show, but I was absolutely exhausted. Dad tried to cut me a break when he could, but he still needed my help most days.

"Here," he said as he handed me the large hammer hanging from his belt. "This'll have to do for now, but we'll replace it come spring. Most of this wood is breakin' down."

I saw the section of the fence he was talking about, and I tried with all my might to hammer the post into the ground, but I was just too tired. After watching me give a few feeble swings, he gruffly took the hammer back and had me hold the post instead.

"Burnin' the candle at both ends?" he asked after a few seconds of silence. I hated that I was so useless around the farm, but it was getting hard to prioritize everything that was going on.

"You could say that," I answered slowly. I wiped my brow with the back of my hand and shivered a bit. The cool morning air hit the small amount of sweat on my back and made me cold.

"Son, I…" Dad trailed off. He sighed. "I don't want you to think you can't have a life outside of the ranch. I appreciate all of your help, but I don't expect you to work here all the time. I hope you want to take over one day, but you're still in high school. You should be having fun. Hanging out with your girlfriend. Not worrying over whether the hay's gonna last for two more days."

"I know, but I don't want to let you down," I tried to explain.

"You're not letting me down. I promise. I need you to still help me get the trailer ready, and maybe you can come to a few auctions with me to see how it works, but you don't need to get up at five every morning."

I looked up to see him staring back at me intently. His eyes were the color of Alice's, and his still-blonde hair stuck out over his ears. The only thing that gave away his age were the wrinkles around his eyes. Other than that, he only looked a little older than me. He was in better shape than me and could still kick my ass any day of the week.

"Thanks, Dad," I told him genuinely. He nodded and moved down to the next post and started driving it back into the ground as well. He'd taught me a lot about work ethic and being an honest man, and I just hoped I was doing him proud.

xXx

The night of the school play approached quickly, and I couldn't be happier to get the damn thing over with. Alice couldn't talk about anything else, and was ridiculously nervous. By the time opening night arrived, she was shaking all over like someone zapped her with electricity. It was fun to watch Jas perform; Bella was right, he had a good voice, and was a pretty good actor. I cringed when he kissed Rose, but that was more for Alice's sake than anything else.

My and Bella's families got together that night and celebrated the successful play, and I couldn't help but imagine the possible future family gatherings we could share. I was to the point that I was pretty sure I was in love with Bella, but I didn't want to tell her and scare her off. I knew she wasn't ready to hear that, so I kept it to myself, even when it was painful to hold it in. Sometimes she looked up at me and when I saw her swirling caramel eyes, I just wanted to blurt it out. I wanted to kiss and love her and show her how good I could make her feel, but I held back.

The downside to seeing our families together was the fact that I had a nagging feeling none of it would work out like I wanted it to. It was unlikely that two couples in high school would both make it through the years. I hated to imagine the awkward holidays if say Alice and Jasper got married, and Bella and I fell apart. Or vice versa. Would I even be able to stand it? If I saw her, knowing she wasn't mine, how could I handle it?

I tried to shake off my pessimistic thoughts, which was easy to do when I had Bella in my arms. But when I went back to my own house at night, the doubts crept in. That night, I laid in bed and thought about how badly I wanted her, how desperate I felt for her, how much I loved her already, and I was afraid. If it didn't last, if she left me, or chose to go back to her old life, I didn't know what I would do. I knew I could go on living, that was obvious, but what would it be like? I drove myself insane with my ponderings, and eventually fell into a restless sleep.

"Edward," a voice said in the dark of my room. I felt a hand shake my shoulder, and I said Bella's name aloud. I was disoriented from the dream I'd been having. "Edward, wake up."

I realized it was Alice hovering over me, a bright light illuminating her face, and I squinted against it.

"What—what's going on?" I managed to croak. I could see the hesitancy on her face, and I knew immediately that I wouldn't like what I was about to see. She shoved me over and sat down next to me, finally revealing what was pulled up on our laptop.

I had to blink several times to bring the image into focus, and once I did, I wished I hadn't. It was Bella and I from the night before. Seeing myself on the

Internet was a surreal experience, one that I didn't have the time to appreciate. The headline caught my attention, and my glaring failures as a person were brought to light immediately. Alice clicked through a few different pages, but they all said the same thing.

Bella was slumming it. I was a loser. I didn't deserve her. I wanted to cry, but I tried not to let it show.

I could barely get out two words to Alice, and she eventually left me alone to wallow. After staring at my ceiling for almost an hour, I finally rolled over and grabbed my phone. A suspicion was running through me, one that ignited the blood in my veins, and I had to know.

I called Bella eight times before she picked up.

"Please, tell me you didn't do it," I pleaded her harshly.

Bella's confusion was genuine, that I knew. After questioning her further, I realized she was just as clueless as I was. I told her to get her laptop and pull up a page, and her gasp confirmed that she was just as horrified as I was.

"Well? So, you didn't do this?" I asked half-heartedly, knowing the answer already.

She swore she didn't, and I could tell she felt horrible for what was said about me, but it was too late. I was mortified. I never wanted to go out in public again. Bella asked me to come over and I agreed, finally getting up and going down to the kitchen.

Alice had already told Mom and Dad what happened, and I was hoping they'd be a little understanding. Mom had a sharp look on her face, and I could tell she wasn't going to be consoling me any time soon.

"You shouldn't be surprised," she said in a cool tone. "You knew what you were getting into."

"Yeah," I retorted. "I guess I did. I'll be back later."

I walked out of the house before either of them responded. I didn't want my mom to point the finger and say "I told you so," I wanted her to comfort me. I was pissed that she couldn't offer her own child that.

When I got to Bella's house, Renee greeted me immediately and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. She tried to offer me the solace I was looking for from my own mother, and it made me sad that I had to come here to get it. Bella immediately reached for me, pulling me down on her lap at the dining room table.

"I'll hurt you," I argued quietly.

"You're not too heavy," she countered, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me tightly to her. She tried to reassure me the entire morning, but it wasn't until she pulled me down to her room that I began to feel better.

I read between the lines of what she was saying, and knew what she meant. She wanted me, she was choosing me, and she was offering me an out. If I wanted to walk away, knowing what her life really entailed, I could. I considered it. I considered just breaking up with her, and hoping I faded back into obscurity. I imagined never having to hear what a loser I was again. It felt nice to imagine a life uninterrupted.

But, with the knowledge that I was in love with her, I couldn't walk away. So I reciprocated her words, and she knew what I meant, too. We laid on her bed for a while, just holding each other and breathing in sync.

We eventually went to the family room and settled in to watch TV, but both of us were too restless. My mind was going a million miles a second and I didn't know what to think. I finally got up the nerve to ask Bella if I was just a fling for her, and the genuine hurt on her face made me feel terrible. I thought it was more than that, but after seeing all those words written about us, I was feeling off-kilter.

The more she talked about her secrets, the guiltier I felt. She kept saying that I'd leave her if I only knew the truth, and that was also my biggest fear; if she knew the truth about me, she'd leave. The gnawing feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away, so I made a deal with her. I would tell her my darkest secret, the most humiliating experience of my life, if she would tell me what she was hiding.

After reliving the worst time of my life, I was surprised how easily she took it all. I hated even retelling the story, and I felt the same shame and horror all over again. I felt the same isolation as I remembered every friend I had turning their backs against me. But Bella pulled me back. She told me she didn't care, and put things in perspective, and even helped me laugh it off. She made me feel more secure in myself. She made me feel better.

When she started talking about what she'd done over the summer, I was terrified. As she wove her tale, I kept imagining all the ways she could've died or gotten arrested or raped or anything. The scariest part was that she couldn't remember over half of what had happened.

I hated hearing about the video her mother saw. I hated knowing the sorts of mean things she was capable of, but she wasn't herself, and I told her as much. It was hard for me to comprehend, but I knew that she had been on a path for a long time that she didn't want to walk down. Things spun out of control, and she spiraled. I knew that didn't define her. I knew she could turn everything around; she still had her whole life ahead of her.

I tried to comfort her, but she ran to bathroom and threw up everything she'd eaten earlier. I held her hair back and wiped her face, trying to hold her together. I kept my grip tight when she tried to pull away, and I told her the one thing that wouldn't leave my mind. The one thing that I knew she needed to hear, and that I believed, whole-heartedly.

"You're not too far-gone. You're not past redemption."

And she wasn't. She didn't truly believe me yet, but I wouldn't let her forget that I believed in her. I was so ridiculously in love with her, I couldn't think straight, and I accepted her, no matter what. I was in too deep already. Seeing her get physically ill over her past made my heart ache for her. I wished I could take some of her pain and guilt and carry it for her, but I couldn't. I could only support her as she moved forward.

We got back to the couch, and I tried to keep my emotions in check. Bella touched her finger to the corner of my eye, and I knew I'd been found out. She looked shocked that I would cry with her, but she had to know I was with her, one hundred percent.

She kept her eyes on my face, giving me the most penetrating look I'd ever seen, like she was looking deeper than my soul. I saw things flash through her expression, but the one thing that remained was hope. I saw hope there, and I prayed it would remain.


	20. Chapter 20

**Happy Monday! Here's the next installment, and we're back to Bella's POV. Also, a few of my regular reviewers disabled their PMs, so if you didn't get a review reply today, that's why! Sorry I missed you guys.**

**BTW, a particular scene in this is based directly off a little run-in that was popular on youtube for a while a couple of months ago...  
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**I don't own Twilight.**

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Edward and I didn't see each other on Sunday. He went home the night before feeling a little more settled, though whenever he allowed himself to think of that picture floating around of him in cyberspace, he got visibly upset once more. After Jas came home and assured him that it would work out, he went home, holding more of my secrets inside, and less of his own.

In his absence, I was able to really think about what I knew about him. After hearing what happened to him a few years before, so many things clicked into place. The way he kept to himself, the way he let Rosalie boss him around for so long, the way he empathized with me when everyone thought I was a joke. The fact that I hadn't noticed his lack of friends at school made me feel like an oblivious bitch, but I would remedy that fact. Not that I wanted to get him more friends; on the contrary, I was glad I didn't have to share him. But I would make sure he was socially fulfilled, even if I was the only one to do the filling.

By the time I went to bed Sunday night, I felt better about telling Edward about what I'd done. There were still other stories left to tell, but the rest seemed pale in comparison. After watching the video those few short months ago, I felt like I'd truly become someone I didn't want to be. The truth of the matter was that it happened so slowly, over so many years, that I didn't know it was even happening. I knew I would never forget the humiliated look on the girl's face as I tried to push her to her knees in front of me. The amazing thing was, as best I could recall, I had never, ever had any kind of sexual experience with a girl, so the fact that I was trying to force her was bizarre.

I hadn't seen Vic after that bender, and even now, I didn't know what happened to her. I hadn't heard anything about her through other friends, and I hadn't seen any pictures of her anywhere. She seemed to have just disappeared.

I finally fell asleep with the face of my old "friend" burned on my retinas. Vic was a sad, sad girl, hungry for affection and attention, and desperate to numb herself from reality. As I drifted into dreams, I hoped in vain that she found what she was looking for.

The next day at school was fairly normal, apart from the fact that Edward and I were getting an undue amount of attention. While everyone was aware that we were a couple, it seemed they were excited to see the media spectacle in person. Our hands were gripped tightly each time we saw each other throughout the day, and I couldn't wait to get away from the prying eyes and just be alone with him again. Edward seemed to have a lighter air to him as we sat with Jas and Alice at lunch. He was really letting go of his paranoia, and I was glad to see it.

We took our time meandering down the halls once the final bell rang. After stopping by both of our lockers, I had the urge to plant a sloppy kiss on his lips before stepping out into the chilly air. October was ushering November in with a vengeance, and I wasn't adjusting very easily. Once we pushed through the double doors, I noticed a few nondescript cars parked past the end of the lot. Before I had time to process what I was seeing, flashes started going off, and I cowered away from the pushy cameras being thrust in my face. Edward jerked me toward him by my hand and tried his best to shield me once he realized what was happening. He and I tried to hurry to his car, but the paps were unrelenting. One walked backwards in front of us, carrying a video camera, I realized, and kept blurting questions out at us. I hid my face in Edward's shoulder and wished they would just go away. Edward unlocked the passenger door for me quickly and I hopped in, waiting for him to come around to the driver's door.

Once Edward was in the car, we both sat still as the paps circled the car, refusing to budge or give us any space. Edward looked visibly shaken; he'd never had to deal with anything like that before, and I was instantly racked with guilt. I hated that he was being pulled into this. I hated whoever exposed that picture of us. I hated that the paparazzi had actually turned up in Montana. I hated so many things at once that I couldn't concentrate.

"What should I do?" Edward asked with a frantic edge to his voice. He glanced in his rearview and side mirrors. "I don't think I can back out without hitting someone. Will they move?"

"Barely. I'm afraid they're going to follow us," I told him honestly.

"To your house?" he asked. I nodded in response. We both sat quietly for a few more minutes, and the paps eventually backed off a few feet. They realized they weren't getting any interesting shots of us while we were just sitting there. Most of them lounged comfortably, snapping shots sporadically through the car windows. I groaned in frustration, unsure what to do. In L.A., I practically courted the paparazzi; but we also lived in a gated community, and they couldn't follow me home. I wasn't sure what these guys would do to get a few good shots.

"Hang on. Let me try something," I said as I glanced at the clock. We'd been sitting in the car for twenty minutes and I didn't feel like trying to wait them out. I opened the door and was instantly blinded by the flashes in my face. "Guys, please. You got what you wanted. Just go."

"We're just trying to get some good pics, Isabella," one stocky man said. The paparazzi always used my first name, like that would make me more likely to grant them access to me. "You guys are welcome to leave."

"You're just going to follow us," I argued. "How are you even here? This is school property."

"That's school property," another man said, pointing to where I was standing. "This is public property."

I realized all of them were situated outside of the actual lot, and I also knew they could've gotten in a lot of trouble when they followed us from the school doors. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Edward was standing outside of the car as well, his face red with either anger or embarrassment, and his body facing slightly away from the cameras. I saw them snapping away as they turned their lenses on him and got even more angry.

"Listen, you're not going to find out where I live, okay?" I said in a hard voice. I knew everything was being recorded, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I made a mental note to make some calls once I got home; I wasn't totally sure what the rules were, but I knew I was a minor still and they were harassing me.

"We won't follow you," one promised. "Just get in your car and go, and we won't follow. We've got what we need."

"Why don't you leave first, them?" Edward asked suddenly. "If you have what you need, and you're not going to follow us, you can go first. Then we'll leave."

"And what's your name?" the stocky man asked. I shook my head furiously at Edward, hoping he wouldn't slip up. Edward stayed silent.

"You won't find out where I live," I repeated once more firmly.

"We're not gonna follow you! You leave, then we'll leave," one of the men said. I huffed in frustration and got in the car, motioning for Edward to follow.

"Just…let's just drive through town and see how many of them come after us," I told him, pressing my fingers to my temples. I was beyond irritated, and my head was starting to throb. I was nearing the forty-eight hour mark since my last pill, and my body felt it. Edward put the car in reverse and started backing out slowly, letting the paps scatter as they continued to snap photos. I called my mom and dad both, but neither answered. I was afraid to head toward my house at all.

Once on the main road, I saw that at least two cars were following us. I told Edward as much, and he pulled his phone out to call his house. His dad answered, and after explaining the situation, Carlisle told him to drive around for ten more minutes before coming to their house.

"Dad said he's going to call Coop down at the station and have him come out. He'll be able to stop them from coming down the driveway, at least," Edward said. His brow was furrowed, causing deep rivets to appear on his forehead, and I felt terrible.

"I'm sorry I'm dragging you into this. Now they'll know where you live, and then they'll have your name, and—"

"Bella, stop. I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen. I just have to accept it," he said in a gruff voice. "I'm not mad at you. I'm pissed, but not at you."

I slumped down in the passenger seat, wishing I could pout or scream or hit something, but unable to work out my frustration. After circling the grocery store a fourth time, Edward headed towards his house. By the time we got there, a police car was sitting at the end of the drive, with a cop standing outside of it, waiting. I had a severe aversion to cops normally, but I'd never been so glad to see a man in blue before that day. He nodded to us as we turned in, and I saw him stop the cars behind us before they could follow. I watched them get smaller and smaller behind us before breathing a sigh of relief.

Esme greeted us at the door when we arrived, worrying and fretting over both of us. Edward gave her an abbreviated version of what happened, and she was just appalled. We tried to work on some homework, but neither of us was able to focus at all. I could only think about those men with their cameras, the invasion of Edward's privacy, and how long they would be staying in Havre.

Alice arrived with a clatter about an hour later, her raised voice startling both of us as we sat on the couch.

"What the hell is going on? Coop's down at the end of the driveway, like, waving me through, and there are some other cars parked along the side of the road," she said hurriedly.

"It's paparazzi," I answered after a silent beat. Edward looked to be studiously ignoring Alice's question. Her mouth dropped open in surprise. "They followed us from school. The pictures will probably be up tonight, if not already. Those guys probably uploaded them in their cars or something."

"Oh, my God! I'm sorry, guys," Alice said sincerely. She sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I leaned into her, allowing the little bit of comfort she was offering permeate the heavy cloud that had settled over me. Edward finally looked up, noticing for the first time that I was just as freaked out, if not more so, than he was. His expression softened and he reached for my hand. I relaxed further at his touch, thankful that he was finally acting like I was there beside him.

"I should call my mom again," I said as I leaned away to grab my phone. Before I could try calling her again, Esme walked in the room.

"Bella, honey, maybe you should just stay here tonight," she said worriedly. "I'm afraid they'll just wait for you to leave and then follow you home."

"No, it's fine. I've dealt with it before," I told her. "Honestly."

"I'd feel better about it. At least ask your parents what they think," she suggested. I nodded and clicked on my mom's name on my phone. After a few rings, she picked up.

"Bella? Where are you? Jasper just got here and said something was up at the Cullen's when he dropped Alice off," she said quickly. "Are you over there?"

"Yes. There were some paps waiting for us after school and we were trying to keep them from following me home. Carlisle had a cop come down and block them at the main road," I explained. "I'm surprised they didn't get pictures of Jas. Uh, Esme wants me to stay here tonight, just in case."

"I think that's for the best, hon," she agreed. "Does Alice have some clothes you can wear?"

"Um, probably. But, I can come home, Mom. It's no big deal."

"Bella, I agree with Esme. There's no reason to risk it if you don't have to. I'll talk to your father and see what we can do. We'll talk to the school and the police and work something out. And I'll call our lawyers."

"This doesn't have to become a…situation, okay? I'm sure they'll go away," I said, though there was no confidence behind my statement.

"You know as well as I do that's not true. We don't know how far they'll go, or how long they'll be here," Mom argued.

"Fine, fine. Well, I'll talk to you later, or tomorrow," I said. "Bye."

"Bye, hon."

Edward looked at me with wide eyes. "So, you're staying the night here?"

"Looks like it." I rolled my eyes when I saw that he was excited. Even in the midst of the stressful afternoon we'd had, he was still my boyfriend, and seventeen, and we were both pitifully into each other. We both laughed and I settled in pressed up against his arm. I pushed my laptop onto his lap and shut my eyes for a few minutes.

"Bella? Are you staying?" Esme asked from the doorway. I opened my eyes and nodded. "Great! Well, we don't have a guest room, and I don't think Alice's bed is big enough to share. At least not with Alice."

"Hey!" Alice cried indignantly from beside me. "I can't help it that I kick."

"She kicks until she gets herself turned upside down in her bed," Esme said with a wide smile on her face. "Has since she was a baby."

Alice stuck her tongue out at her mom before going back to typing furiously on her phone.

"Anyway, what I was going to say is we can set the couch up for you," Esme added before Edward jumped in.

"I'll sleep on the couch. Bella can sleep in my room," he offered. I looked up at him and saw the small smile lifting the corners of his lips.

"You sure?" I asked him.

"Positive. I am nothing if not a gentleman," he said in a joking tone. I poked him in the side but laughed along with him. I settled my head back on Edward's shoulder before reaching over to surreptitiously type on the Word document I had pulled up for a paper I was writing.

_I don't have my pill. :(_

_Will you be OK?_

_I'll live. U might have to help out._

_U know I will._

I nodded against his shoulder. I had no doubt that he would help. I shut my eyes once more, almost dozing until Edward spoke to me again.

"Babe, someone's IMing you," he told me. I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face when he called me "babe." I blinked a few times before looking at the screen. The name DemmyWood69 was staring back at me. The simple, "What up?" message was almost enough to make me vomit.

"Babe? Bella?" Edward asked, his concerned expression cutting into my line of vision. "You look like you saw a ghost. Who is that?"

Another message popped up below the first. "Hear u gettin drrty n the cuntry."

I shuddered, reaching foreword and clicking out of the box before setting my status to offline. Edward was watching me closely as I tangled my arms around his bicep and held tightly to him.

"That's Demetri," I said in a quiet voice, not wanting to alert Alice to anything, though I could see that she was looking at me in my periphery. "You know…I mentioned him the other day…."

Edward's eyes flashed with recognition. "The one that…Vic's boy?"

I nodded. "I haven't talked to him or seen him since."

Edward pulled his arm free and wrapped it around my shoulders, burying his nose is my messy hair as he whispered in my ear. "Are you okay?"

I turned toward him, my cheek pressed against his, and fought back the sudden emotion that bubbled up within me. "It's just been a weird day."

We stayed like that until Esme came and got us for dinner. We had leftover meat loaf and mashed potatoes, and by the time I was finished, I could barely keep my eyes open. Alice told me we'd find something for me to wear in the morning, and I changed and laid down on Edward's bed at eight. He sat with me for a while, neither of us talking, but both just trying our best to relax. Alice burst in the door suddenly, making us both jump away from the other, though we were barely even touching.

"Guys, I have some news," she began. She stood before us, her eyes darting mercilessly around the room as she nervously fidgeted with her hands. "I've been trying to figure out where that picture came from—the one of you two at the play? It took some digging. Well, a lot of digging. It was tweeted and posted all over the place, but I managed to trace it back to the source."

Edward and I both stared at her, waiting for her to tell us who did it.

"Was it Miss Peacock?" Edward finally asked.

"In the ballroom?" I added with a wink at him.

"With the rope!" he exclaimed, the bed shaking with his laughter.

"Guys, this is serious," Alice complained. Edward and I both looked at her sheepishly, waiting for her to continue. "It was Rosalie."

"Rosalie? How?" Edward asked in disbelief.

"She put it on Twitter and posted it in a comment on someone's blog somewhere. I searched the hashtags and eventually, after following the re-tweets backwards, I found it. I don't know if she's the one that took it, but she made it public," Alice explained.

I was torn between being absolutely furious that Rosalie would do something like that, and being amazed at how much trouble Alice went to in search of the culprit. And wanting to laugh maniacally at what sorts of things were available in the age of technology. I felt like I was stuck in some sort of "technology-turned-anti-human" thriller.

"You did all of that? For me?" I asked, and then looked at Edward. "For us?"

"Of course! I hate this for you two," Alice said genuinely.

"I'll talk to Rose tomorrow," Edward said, his face darkened somewhat at learning who was behind the whole stunt. I was sure he felt a level of injustice at practically being trapped in his own home. He was only getting a taste of what this life could be; he was only seeing a tiny speck of what our life might be if we stay together. I didn't know if he was up for it.

"We both will," I told him. He looked at me and I saw his jaw unclench. He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. We might have a battle before us, but we'd face it together.

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**I have a feeling you all will realllly like Friday's post...**


	21. Chapter 21

**So, early update, ya'll! I'm going to be kinda busy tomorrow, so I thought I'd go ahead and post now. Faithful reader, pnkats, I still couldn't PM you, but the answer to your question is yes. Also, I wanted to shoutout to some ladies who've given these characters nicknames: revans12 dubbed our lovely couple Farmward and Hollywoodella, and LimeLite likes to call our villian-ess Rowhorie.**

**Hopefully this chapter answers a question you guys have had for a long time...**

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I had a hard time sleeping in Edward's bed. It felt too soft, then too hard. His pillow got too hot, and then my scalp started to itch. I couldn't get comfortable, and I missed my Snuffle bear that I secretly slept with at home. The only thing working for me was the concentrated Edward smell on the sheets. I probably got high from sniffing them all night.

I wanted to sneak down the hallway to where Edward was sleeping on the couch, but I didn't dare. I hoped in vain for him to creep back into his room and his bed and curl around me, but he never did. I knew it was foolish for me to imagine him doing something like that in his parents home, but a girl could dream.

I drifted off into a deep sleep sometime in the early morning hours. When Edward shook me awake, I was disoriented and cotton-mouthed, and feeling bits of nausea creeping up my throat. I brushed my teeth and glared at the wonderful looking breakfast Esme made us, trying my hardest to find the will to eat. Three bites of eggs later, I had to excuse myself. I heard Edward offer a pitiful excuse behind me.

I took a shower and graciously accepted the shirt Alice offered me. I had a hard time accepting the loaner pair of panties, obviously laundered, but gave in when I envisioned sitting commando in my jeans all day. Alice's shirt fit perfectly and was warm enough against the brisk autumn air. I already needed to buy some more clothes—I shopped for bigger sizes before, but I had nothing that would layer appropriately for winter. We were nestled next to the mountains, practically in Canada, and I knew I would see the coldest weather of my life.

Edward looked at me sympathetically as I tried to go about my morning routine, but my muscles were too lethargic to put forth the effort. I piled into his car with my hair clipped back and no makeup on my face; I hoped the paparazzi weren't waiting at the school to catch me. I definitely didn't look my best.

To my relief, there were no cameras in sight when we got to school. We waited patiently for Jas to arrive, and after I gave him a brief rundown of what exactly happened the day before, we went inside and tried to put the entire situation behind us.

I was called to the guidance counselor's office during first period, and to my surprise, she was there to offer support. She said that precautionary measures were being taken to ensure that I was not harassed on and around school property. Also, after talking with both my parents and the Havre Sheriff, I would be able to get home after school with ease. I relayed all of the information to Edward at lunch, and though he actually seemed a little let down that I would stay at my own house from then on, he finally relaxed. I hadn't checked any blogs or youtube to see if the pictures or video of Edward and I were posted, but I saw too many sets of eyes on us to doubt that they were on display.

"Alice, tell me," I began at the lunch table. "How bad is it?"

She grimaced before glancing at Jas. He looked down at his hands evasively and Alice sighed. "It's bad. I don't want to say. You're my friend. And my brother," she added, looking at Edward. "Just, don't go looking, okay?"

The curiosity was boiling and bubbling under my skin; the only thing I wanted to do at that moment was run to the library and pull up every picture I could. I envisioned the headlines I would see, and I knew I wouldn't want Edward to have to see that. Everything would be scrutinized, and the fact that one of the paps was videoing made it even worse. Our words and reactions would be archived, and no matter what, Edward would always be that "farm boy" from Isabella Hale's slumming period. I clenched my jaw but nodded at Alice, knowing I had to resist the urge to protect Edward.

"So, when are we confronting Rosalie?" I asked, feeling the sudden urge to hit something. I hadn't been in a fight before, apart from the few slap-fests that occurred when I was drunk off my ass. Those usually ended with cackling laughter and dresses flipping up and me falling down. Those were money shots.

"We can go talk to her now," Edward said, his voice strained. I looked at him and was surprised to see a feral glow to his eyes. The sun was shining through the large cafeteria windows, casting half of his face in shadows. I took a moment to appreciate the kaleidoscope of colors running through his irises, but stood and prepared for battle. I would admire Edward's beauty later.

Edward joined me as I walked across the cafeteria, stopping at the edge of Rose's crowded table, and waiting for her to notice me. The hushed voices around the cafeteria alerted me to the fact that we had a large audience.

"Rosalie, can we talk to you for a second?" I asked quietly. She arched her eyebrow at me before nodding. She stayed in her seat and I rolled my eyes. "Alone?"

She waved her hands around at her minions, telling them to scatter, and we were left alone with her, but only a berth of six feet between us and the next table. I chose to remain standing, feeling it gave me a psychological upper hand.

"Why'd you do it?" I questioned.

"Do what?" she asked innocently.

"We know it was you, Rose. We just don't know why," Edward said in a tight voice. "Why would you put those pictures everywhere? Were you trying to get back at me?"

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about," she reiterated.

"Rose, cut the shit! You know what we're talking about. Why?" I pushed.

She surveyed the two of us for a long moment before looking casually at her fingernails and speaking. "Hypothetically speaking, something like that would be a power move. Or a revenge tactic, I suppose."

"I know you're mad that I broke up with you—"

"Don't make me laugh, Edward!" Rosalie shouted, cutting him off. "I'm just sorry I wasted all that time. I invested years in you."

I shook my head, confused by her words. "Rose, you two were a horrible match. You had to know that."

"I did know that, from the beginning. But I worked my ass off turning him straight, and I won't be made a fool of. Not by a crack-whore princess and a fag."

There was a moment where I felt like I left my body. It was reminiscent of a great high, the kind that put me in another atmosphere. The kind that took my name and place and occupation and wrote them on a piece of paper before shredding them. It was elation, jut for a second. Then red flashed before my eyes and I came back to myself to discover I had Rosalie's hair wrapped around my fist.

I had never really been a violent person, but the fact that I was stuck in withdrawal, dealing with paps following me in Montana, and listening to Rose perpetuate the lie Edward had been fighting for years set me off. I didn't care what she said about me, but saying that about Edward, in front of virtually the entire school, wasn't going to cut it.

I heard shouts and felt arms tugging at me, but I didn't let go. Rose's hair was a tangled nest between my fingers, and I gave it a few firm tugs, dragging her out of her chair as I was pulled away. The more people tried to separate us, the more of her hair came out by the follicle, creating a disturbing tuft of blonde around my wrist. Eventually a teacher made us stand still, and the poor woman tried to pry the dried out locks from my clenched fist. After a few unending seconds, my hand was free, except for the strands wrapped around it like a straightjacket. Rose put her hand to the tender spot on her now imperfect head, and I smiled.

I was sent to the principal's office immediately. I didn't even get the chance to see Edward's reaction, or make sure he was okay. I could barely even remember the altercation I was so jacked up on adrenaline. Once my violent high started to crash, I sat slumped over in the chair, listening to a lecture. I halfheartedly explained the situation, and while I saw genuine sympathy in the principal's eyes, I was suspended for three days. I wouldn't have to grace the halls for the rest of the week, and I couldn't help but be excited. My mom picked me up with a look of dismay, but I was walking on sunshine.

Hurting Rosalie made me feel better. I knew it shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. Apart from my suspension, Mom didn't see fit to punish me further. I knew I probably wouldn't get to see Edward until the weekend, and I was bummed, but I knew it was worth it. Especially if Rose had a bald spot. And I thought Edward would agree.

He called me as soon as he got out of school, talking the entire drive home.

"Honestly, she's lucky—I thought you were going to smash her face on the table," he rattled off. He'd been going for twenty minutes straight, relaying the entire incident to me. "And no one could get you off of her, and she was screaming so loud, oh, God, that was wonderful. That was like Christmas come early."

I hadn't heard him so excited about anything before, and I was glad I was the cause. We joked for a while longer, and he promised to call me back before he went to bed. I ate a cheery dinner with Jas and my parents, and though Dad tried to reprimand me, he couldn't quite get through it. Jas kept throwing in details that had Dad laughing, and by the end of it, we were practically re-enacting the thing.

I talked to Edward for an hour before he had to get off, begrudgingly.

"Edward, you need to go to bed," Esme said loudly in the background.

"It's ten o'clock!" Edward argued.

"I know some people don't have to get up early for school tomorrow, but it's disrespectful to keep you up," I heard her say before a door slammed. Edward and I were both silent for a minute.

"Your mom's being really passive-aggressive," I informed him.

"She's been like that all night. She acted like she didn't mind that you stayed here last night, right?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah, definitely," I answered.

"Well, she kept mentioning it all evening, like it was such a terrible inconvenience. Something's crawled up her ass," he said in a hushed voice. I had to giggle at his attempt to keep her from hearing him.

"I'll let you go. I don't want to get you in trouble. Or get myself in trouble, apparently," I said. "Call me tomorrow?"

"Of course, babe. Good night," he said.

"Night." I leaned my head back on my pillow, fighting the urge to grab my laptop to see what was up. Just as I started to pull up a new window, I got an IM from Demetri. I bit my lip, unsure what to do. I'd just ignored him the other day, but I wasn't sure if that was enough. My mouse hovered over the "Block" option, but instead of clicking it, I shut the entire laptop down. I would deal with him another day. I just wanted to relive my moment of excellence a few more times in my head before going to sleep.

The next few days passed slowly. Esme decided that Edward couldn't come over since I was suspended from school—which was laughable considering my own parents weren't making such rules. The weekend brought with it hangout time and a cooled off Esme; she was even pleasant to me when I showed up on their doorstep Saturday afternoon. I still couldn't figure out why she was so hateful after the incident, considering Edward didn't get into trouble, but I wasn't going to question in.

Edward and I sat on the back deck at his house, his right arm behind me, propping me up, as we watched the sun move across the sky. Once the rays of light were shining directly on his face, I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I could see the subtle blonde and red in his stubble, and the light dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose and his cheekbones. I could see similar charcoal tones in his eyes like Alice's, refracting off of the yellow and creating a spooky, unearthly green. I wished I were an artist so I could take a picture or paint his image, but I settled for staring unabashedly.

"So…what do you think of Jasper and Alice?" Edward asked suddenly. I blinked a few times trying to figure out where that question came from.

"Um, I think they're great?" I asked in return, uncertain what answer he was looking for.

"Do you think they'll make it?"

"Long term?" Edward nodded. "Truthfully? Probably not. I mean…Jas is the only person in our family that has his shit together, but still…." I trailed off.

"I don't really get them. Together. I don't get it," Edward finally said.

"Why?"

"They just don't seem to fit. Alice is…she can be high strung and everything's just fly by the seat of her pants. She's all into…whimsy and fairy tales, and I'm afraid she grabbed onto Jas because of who he is," he responded honestly.

"Do you think she's using him?" I asked, feeling a little worried for my brother.

"Do you think Jas is using her?" Edward countered.

"No. He really likes her. Believe me, he's never been…consistent…or monogamous before. I may not think they'll last forever, but I know he really cares about her now," I told him.

"Hmm," was all he said in response. I leaned my head into his shoulder, waiting to see if he was say anything else. "I'm just concerned, that's all."

"About what?"

"I'm afraid she's clinging to him because she thinks he'll get her out of here," Edward said. I found myself desperately hoping that wasn't the case. I liked Alice, really, but if she just wanted to ride my brother's coattails, she had another thing coming. I wouldn't allow him to get hurt like that.

"Do you think she's capable of that?" I asked.

"Yes. She's not malicious, or even purposefully manipulative, I don't think—she just does things without even realizing the reason why. I like Jas, and I don't want this thing to blow up," he stated. I nodded against the material of his coat, hoping that it wouldn't come to that.

As dusk started to settle over us, I shivered. Edward tightened his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer and nestling my face in the crook of his neck. I exhaled slowly, happily, and couldn't stop myself from pressing my lips to his throat. After a few seconds of light kisses, my tongue got a mind of its own and started swirling over his exposed skin. His grip tightened further and I watched in delight as his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. A groan bubbled up in his throat, and I stretched my arm around his torso, slipping underneath his jacket.

I felt myself start to get flushed as my heart started beating faster. I knew we were in plain sight of the Cullen's kitchen window, but I couldn't stop. As my hand pressed into his side, my elbow brushed against the crotch of his pants, and he couldn't hide his excitement. While Edward and I had been moving excruciatingly slow, I knew it was the best thing to do. But as the urge to taste and touch and have him as mine overwhelmed me, I couldn't remember why we weren't moving forward.

"Shit, I want you," I whispered against his jaw.

"God, I know," he responded as his left hand jerkily ran from my knee up my thigh. I could tell he was warring with himself, and I could feel my skin tingling under the layers of clothes I had on. I needed to feel him against me.

"Is there anywhere we can go?" I asked, willing my hand not to trail to the front of his pants.

"Uh, um, we can walk out on the property a little ways," he said in a low voice. "Remember the shed a few hundred yards out?"

"Let's go." I stood quickly, missing his warmth and feeling an uncomfortable wetness in my panties. A surreptitious glance behind us revealed that no one was in kitchen, so I assumed we were safe.

The walk across the Cullen's property seemed endless, and I tried not to let the sight of cows nearby deter me. Once we rounded the small tool shed, Edward pulled me inside and slid his hands up my body. He pressed me against one of the bare walls of the small building, and I didn't stifle my moan. His lips were insistent on mine, and his tongue moved in unfamiliar patterns in my mouth. Edward hadn't been this aggressive before, and I was nearing being unbearably turned on.

While a large part of me wanted—no, needed—a release, I would settle for less. It felt like the physical aspect of our relationship was going from five miles-per-hour to forty suddenly, and I didn't want to go all the way just because I was greedy.

The shed was only half-full with various landscaping tools, and relatively clean. Edward's hips started pressing rhythmically into mine, and the sounds we were both making were verging on animalistic. One of his hands was trapped in my hair, and the other was squeezing my ass. I managed to shove his jacket off his shoulders, and he leaned back just enough to pull it off. He did the same to my coat, and I felt like my nipples were beginning to throb just as he pushed his chest into mine.

At some point I hitched my leg up, and Edward clutched it to his hip. He bent his legs slightly, dipping low enough to press into the spot that I really wanted to feel him at, and the seam of my jeans created delicious friction. Edward's mouth was hanging open by my ear, not really kissing anymore, but just panting.

"God, I have to—let me touch you," he nearly begged. I nodded, a shiver running through me at his words. My leg dropped as both his hands became preoccupied with unbuttoning my jeans. Edward slid the zipper down quickly, and one hand rested on my low abdomen as the other traveled up my shirt.

He focused his attention on freeing my right breast from the confines of my bra, and the second his palm cupped me, I groaned and shoved my hips forward. His other hand remembered its job and snaked down further. Edward was just touching me through my underwear, and it already felt more intense than any sexual experience of my life.

The mixture of him plucking at my nipple, rubbing fast circles over my clit, and grinding his erection on my hip made me come quickly, and hard. I swore I saw stars before releasing a breathy moan, my hands fisted in his hair. Edward stilled his movements, but as soon as I recovered, resumed his thrusting. I wanted to help him out, but he was so intent on dry humping, I just reached back and cupped his ass, pulling him tighter against me.

A minute later, he gently bit my ear as he came. We stayed pressed together until I got too chilly, and we pulled apart to redress. I fumbled with my pants, my muscles still quivering from the insane orgasm I'd just had, and just putting my coat on exhausted me. I finally looked up and caught Edward's lazy grin. He looked a little uncomfortable—I was sure he was desperate to get cleaned up. His eyes flitted across my face before he let out a quiet laugh.

"What?" I asked self-consciously.

"You are just…like, all glowy," he said with another soft chuckle.

"Well, shit, Edward, that was unbelievable," I told him, smiling wider when he looked surprised. "Was it not for you?"

"That was the best, um, orgasm I've ever had," he said as he blushed.

"Me, too. I've never felt anything like that. Fuck. I want you even more now," I said, lamenting the fact that it would still be a while before we slept together.

Edward smirked cockily; it was good to see. He hadn't been his confident self in the past week, and it was refreshing to see him feel good about himself.

"Honestly—that was amazing," I told him, grabbing for his hand and kissing him sweetly. It felt out of character for me, but Edward made me feel all kinds of butterflies and shit that I hadn't felt before. Fooling around with him only made me want more, instead of wanting to get the hell away like I usually did with guys. Not only did I want to touch him and taste him and make him come, I also wanted to cuddle and tell him I loved him.

Because I was pretty sure that I did. I loved him. And I thought about telling him, but it wasn't the right time. I couldn't tell him after the paparazzi thing, he would've though it was pity that made me say it. I couldn't say it after fighting with Rosalie, because it seemed like I was just staking a claim. And I damn well couldn't stay it after his fingers played a symphony on my body, because then it seemed like a heat of the moment "I love you." I had to wait for the right time, or just pray he said it first.

Edward kept my fingers entwined with his, the smile never fading from his face as we headed back to his house. Esme was just sitting dinner on the table when we walked into through the back door. Edward excused himself to go to the bathroom, and I took a seat and waited for him. Carlisle was quietly piling his plate with food, and Esme cleared her throat to get my attention.

"Bella, I don't want to sound rude, but there's something I've wanted to talk to you about," she began. I looked up to see a hesitant, but protective, look on her face. I nodded for her to continue. "It's just that…I've heard a lot about you, and I don't want my son to get caught up in the kinds of things that you were into in California."

"I-I understand," I said quietly.

"And I know you're trying to start over here, and I know your mother thinks these things can be fixed in just a matter of months, but—"

"I can stop you right there. My mother is idealistic, I know that. And a lot of the time, I don't believe the things she tells me. She's hopeful, and a little naïve, all things considered, but I'm the realistic one. I promise. And the last thing I want is for Edward to get mixed up in anything Hollywood. I swear. I would do anything to protect him from that," I told her honestly. Her eyes searched mine, and I held my ground. I wouldn't look away.

"So, we're in agreement, then?" she asked. I nodded, and we both grew quiet as we heard Edward walking back down the hall. He plopped down in his seat and started ladling helpings of pasta onto his plate. He caught me watching him and gave me a heart-melting smile, and I couldn't resist returning it. The emotions churning within me were foreign and exciting, but Esme's words were stuck in my mind.

Would I do anything to protect him? Even if it hurt?


	22. Chapter 22

**Sooo, everyone liked the fight! I don't usually resort to violence in such a manner, but I think Rose had it coming.**

**This is a short little chapter, but hopefully it'll shed some light on the Esme situation. Remember kids, subtext is important. I won't spell out everything, because that never happens in real life. We all infer based on our intuitions, so don't be afraid to embrace them!**

**Enjoy a little EPOV.**

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_Edward_

I had never been so freaked out in my life. I knew the kinds of things that paparazzi did to get the shots they wanted, but I had no idea what it was really like. Trying to guide Bella to the car was almost impossible with the lights flashing in my face. The guys around us made it hard to walk, and I tried to shield Bella the best I could. We finally made it to my car, but the guys didn't back off. I contemplated just running them over and wondered what type of jail sentence I would get. Every muscle in my body was taut, and I felt like I was about to snap and recoil.

I couldn't imagine anyone going through that on a daily basis. The fact that Bella, and so many others like her, put up with it for years made my head spin. And I knew that it was much worse in L.A., and that the guys hanging outside of my high school were nothing compared to the swarms that hounded Bella before. The fact that she didn't cry or curl up in the fetal position was pretty impressive to me; I felt like doing that, but my anger kept me from giving in.

Bella got back out of the car and tried to reason with them, but they wouldn't listen. She repeatedly told them they wouldn't find out where she lived, but they just kept saying her name like they knew her. It was creepy, and I was getting pissed. I finally barked out a suggestion, and they actually seemed pleased that I said something. Their cameras were fixed on me as they asked for my name, but I didn't answer.

We eventually drove around town and gave Coop time to get to the driveway. Dad was pretty understanding on the phone, as best as he could be given the bizarre situation, and tried to help us. We made it home and Coop kept the guys from following, but I was worried what Mom would say upon our arrival. I'd avoided her the day before since I was still pissed at how she reacted Saturday morning.

To my surprise, she was worried sick and kept trying to offer Bella food and drink and shelter to comfort her. I wasn't sure if she was going above and beyond as a favor to me, or as an apology, but I didn't care. I shot her a grateful smile so she knew I appreciated it, regardless. Bella ended up staying the night, which was exciting, except for the fact that we were situated a few rooms apart, and I had a whole new worry on my mind.

After Alice told us that Rose was behind the whole thing, I felt a level of rage I hadn't felt before. She was the reason all this extra shit was raining down on us now, and she was causing both Bella and I some serious strife. I didn't doubt her ploy was to break us, but I wouldn't give in.

I couldn't sleep that night. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw those vultures with their fancy cameras, yelling and smiling and snapping their stupid pictures. I couldn't get the image out of my head of Bella putting her head down and trying to hide. I couldn't stop imagining the hysterical tone of her voice when she tried to tell them to leave her alone. I hated that anyone was doing that to her.

And I hated what was happening to me. I hated bringing something like that to Havre, and to my family. I wanted to kill the bastards. I wanted to kill that fucking Demetri that messaged Bella. I wanted to track down Vic and kill her. I wanted to kill too many people, and my murderous thoughts only led to morbid dreams.

It was odd to have Bella in my home in the morning as I got ready for school, but not unpleasant. I'd never seen her look so natural, and I loved it, but I hated that she felt so sick. When she told me she didn't have her pill for the day, I knew it would be rough on her. She was almost to the point of not taking them at all, but her body still craved them at times.

We made it to school in one piece, and were relieved to find out that the school officials were doing everything they could to make sure Bella wasn't harassed anymore. At lunch, it was finally time to confront Rose, and I was looking forward to lashing out at her. Everything over the past few days had built up in my mind, and I was pissed.

Rose was evasive, as I suspected, but she eventually caved. She called Bella a crack-whore princess, and me a fag, and I barely had time to get mad before Bella lunged at her. My mouth fell open in shock as Bella slapped Rose's head before grabbing a fistful of her hair. Rose screamed and tried to push Bella away, but that only resulted in her hair being pulled even more. Rose didn't event try to retaliate, and her screams were bordering on inhuman.

I finally snapped out of my trance and tried to get Bella to let go, but I could see that Rose's hair was wrapped around her hand so tightly, she couldn't let go even if she wanted to. Mrs. Martin eventually walked over and pried Bella's fist away, and I gaped at the amount of hair tangled in her fingers. Rose had tears streaming down her face, but I couldn't feel even the tiniest bit sorry for her.

Bella was suspended for the rest of the week, which sucked a little, but I couldn't help but rejoice over what happened. Alice and I told our parents the story over dinner, and while Dad had a good chuckle, Mom got more and more upset. She wouldn't say what was bothering her, so I tried to let it go, but she started muttering under her breath.

She walked by the living room, her arms carrying the sheets I'd slept on the night before, and I heard her distinctly complain about the extra laundry she had to do. At another point, she said something about the amount of groceries our houseguest went through. It was clear that she was mad at Bella, but I couldn't fathom why she was so flustered all of a sudden.

After she walked in my room and demanded that I get off the phone, I knew I had to talk to her. I found her sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a beer.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, honey?" She looked up from her drink slowly and gazed at me with glassy eyes. I hadn't ever seen her tipsy before, but I thought it might be the perfect time to ask her something and get an honest answer.

"What's wrong with you tonight? You're in a pretty bad mood," I said uncertainly as I took a seat across from her.

"I just hate that you're being dragged into all of this," she answered immediately.

"The paparazzi stuff?"

"Yeah. And the…other stuff. Fights at school. I don't want you to date a bully," she admitted.

"I'm not dating a bully. I was dating a bully, before, though. Rose is a…well, she's a bitch, there's no other way to put it. She tortures everybody. Bella was trying to stand up for me," I explained, hoping she would lighten up a little.

"Yeah, I bet. I'm sure Isabella Hale is just a meek little mouse. I'm sure she's the one that's picked on and laughed at. I'm sure she can't even give a speech in class without people making pig noises at her," Mom griped. While I was aware that Mom was teased lot in high school, I really had no idea what she went through. Whatever it is was seemed to really haunt her still.

"Mom, honestly—Bella's not a bully," I tried again.

"Whatever," she said as she took the last swig of her beer. Seeing that I wasn't getting anywhere, I told her goodnight and went to bed.

I hated that Bella wasn't at school the next few days, but my annoyance was lessened greatly when I saw how deflated Rose was as she walked down the hall. Her hair was parted differently, presumably to cover the bald spot Bella created, and she definitely didn't have as much spring in her step. Jas, Alice and I couldn't stop laughing during lunch when we saw how paranoid Rose had gotten in the last day. She kept glancing around like she expected another attack at any moment.

The three days at school without Bella felt long and boring, but the weekend arrived quickly, and I wanted to make up for lost time. I got up the nerve to ask Bella what she thought about Jas and Alice, especially since I kept thinking they might not last. She agreed, and seemed worried when I admitted that I thought Alice might hang on to him so he could get her out of Havre. I didn't like saying that about my sister, but Jas was a good guy, and I didn't want her to take advantage of him.

The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that either Jas and Alice would make it, or Bella and I would. It was selfish, but I hoped they broke up. I had no basis for what I thought, but I couldn't let it go. I just knew that somehow it wouldn't all work out, and I was determined for Bella and I to work. Even if I had no idea how to make that happen.

Bella and I had been very careful not to push things forward physically, but as we sat cuddled on my back porch, she started licking the spot under my jaw, and I knew I needed to touch her. We marched out to the almost empty shed on the property, and before I could stop myself, I slammed her against one of the walls and kissed her hungrily. She seemed to like how aggressive I was, and I finally managed to get my hands on her bare skin. She felt so good against my palms, and when I put my fingers to work on her heated flesh, she made the most glorious sounds I'd ever heard. I felt stupidly proud to be able to make her feel that way, and as she came, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I wanted to be inside of her so badly, but I had to wait. I thrust against her several time before I exploded in my boxers, and even the discomfort of walking back to the house couldn't bring me down from my high.

Bella looked absolutely gorgeous; her cheeks were flushed, her hair messed up, and a large smile was on her face. I held her hand tightly and kept stealing glances at her as we walked. I went to change, and as I cleaned myself off, I couldn't help but imagine all the new things Bella and I would be able to experience in the future. She and I had just begun, and I allowed myself to feel hopeful for the first time. The look I saw reflected in her eyes made me think she loved me, too. I just needed to figure out when to say it.

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**Find me on Twitter (at) ginginleelee**


	23. Chapter 23

**Happy Friday, ya'll! Hope you have a great weekend, and I hope this chapter gets it started off right...**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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Only a week had passed since I gave Rosalie a bald spot during lunch, but it felt like everything had changed. She was decidedly less full of herself, presumably because she had to work to comb her hair just right to cover the ghastly bare patch. Edward walked a little taller, despite the fact that his past mortification was brought to light again. Esme backed off of us, and I got to go back to school.

The best part of the whole thing was that the paparazzi were getting slammed for the video they took of me at school. Apparently, me pleading with them to leave me alone made me seem a little more human. I suddenly had fans and supporters speaking up and demanding that I got a little privacy.

Granted, these people were salivating over the pictures of Edward and I mere days before, but still, it was a nice thought.

I was officially off of any and all prescription drugs, and while I still had to fight bouts of fatigue, I was feeling stronger by the day. My weight continued to climb, and I was seriously considering a diet before I had to slip into size sixes. While I recognized that was still much smaller than average, it was practically a blimp compared to girls my age in Hollywood, and I didn't want to turn frumpy.

Edward and I hadn't gotten the chance to fool around anymore, but I definitely eye-fucked him at every chance. Sometimes sitting across from him at lunch was nearly impossible. I wanted to ask him if there were any available janitor's closets we could disappear into, but I also didn't want to cheapen the experience. I wanted to show him that I loved him, especially since I hadn't worked up the nerve to tell him yet.

Jas and Alice seemed both sad and relieved to have the school play finished. They'd put in so many hours of work, and while the production was a success, it was still nice for them to have more free time.

Of course, that translated into me having to cover for them when they went missing in the afternoons. There were times when I had to crank the music in my room loudly enough to disguise the noises coming from just one door down—which was something that haunted my every waking thought. While I knew that my brother was sexually active, I usually didn't have to hear it. Or see the aftermath when Alice stumbled out half-dressed and looking satiated.

I was also horrendously jealous. But again, I knew I needed to keep it in my pants—er, make Edward keep it in his pants—until the time was right. Unfortunately, my own body was working against me. Since I was no longer preoccupied with fighting off intense cravings for random drugs, the only thing I could think of was sex. But not just any sex: only sex with Edward.

I found no joy in reliving past sexual excursions, and instead found myself fantasizing nightly of all the wonderful things I hoped to experience with Edward. I remembered the feel of his fingers on my skin, and I transferred those thoughts onto what he could do with less clothing between us and a more comfortable venue. Though, having him dry hump me against the wall of the shed had been pretty fucking hot.

The weekend was fast approaching, and along with it, freedom. Edward and I planned on having a movie night in the family room, and I was looking forward to sidling up next to him and feeling his warmth against my arm. The simplest things made me smile, and though I felt like an idiot half the time, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Edward showed up late afternoon on Saturday, giving me a quick kiss on the lips as he stepped inside. A few minutes after he got there, Jas left to go over to the Cullens, and Edward and I were alone.

"Where are your parents?" he asked as his face flushed.

"I don't know! They're running all sorts of crazy errands or something," I told him as I flopped down onto the couch. "They told me, but I'm not sure where all they had to go."

"When will they be back?" he asked as he sat next to me.

"Mmm…later," I said as I nuzzled my face into his worn flannel shirt. Everything about him called to me, down to his muddy boots and his woodsy smell. As far as I could tell, Edward never wore cologne, and he smelled like pure man. The guys in Hollywood usually drowned themselves in whatever was expensive—they always came out smelling like toothpaste mixed with sandalwood. It was stifling. Edward was just…scrumptious.

I turned the TV on without looking and tossed the remote aside. I felt Edward scoot down in his seat and turn somewhat toward me, but I kept my eyes closed. Once his magic fingers made their way into my hair, I melted into him completely. He massaged my scalp gently until I was totally spaced out. When I opened my eyes, I realized I'd slipped down until my face was resting on his stomach.

And only inches from my face was an impressive tent Edward pitched in his pants. With absolutely no precursor, I reached out and stroked him roughly through the thick denim. Edward shifted suddenly and groaned, his hips rising of their own accord.

Feeling suddenly rejuvenated, I sat up and moved to straddle him quickly. My lips found his and I could taste peanut butter on his tongue. I was hungry. I tried to get as close to him as I could, but the fabric between us was frustrating. After wedging my feet behind his back, I was able to open up my hips and settle into the spot I really wanted. Edward's arms were wrapped completely around me, his hands on my ribs and hugging me tightly to him.

After what seemed like several minutes of kissing, he pulled back and tried to speak through his heavy breathing. "Can I…see you?"

I nodded and immediately grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. Edward's hands slid up my stomach while I leaned slightly away from him, allowing him a good view. I reached behind me and unclasped my bra. As I pulled the straps down my arms, Edward's eyes were fixed on my now-exposed chest. He blew out a hard breath as his hands came up to touch me. I could feel the small calluses on his hands as squeezed my breasts, and the roughness of his skin made my nipples pucker all the more.

"You are…so beautiful," he finally said before leaning forward to lavish attention on my skin with his tongue. As his mouth finally closed over my left nipple, I arched and let my head fall back, focusing only on the feeling of his mouth on me.

Edward maneuvered us so that I was lying on the couch as he hovered over me. I yanked at his shirt and tried to assist him in taking it off, and I let my hands roam the expanse of his strong stomach. His muscles were taut from the daily labor he did on his family's ranch, and his skin was surprisingly tan. He had a tuft of hair on his chest and another below his belly button, and I couldn't help but follow the trail.

"I need to get these off," I told him as I undid the button of my jeans. Edward stood up and removed his own pants before reaching down to assist me with mine. Once we were both only in our underwear, he settled back down over top of me, my legs winding around his waist and pulling him closer. Through the thin scraps of fabric, I could feel him moving against me, and I was ravenous to have him inside of me.

I knew we needed to wait, but my mind was clouded by my desire, and Edward's wondrous hands weren't helping matters. We were both so frantic, both grasping and touching and reaching, that we didn't notice the precarious position we were getting into. I had managed to push Edward's boxer-briefs down enough to free his erection, and after stealing a glance at it, I wrapped my hand firmly around him. His hand was completely inside of my panties, and they were caught halfway down my hips. One errant buck of Edward's pelvis, and I felt the tip of his dick touch me where I was throbbing. The sensation was almost too much.

"Oh, God, are we doing this?" I asked, my voice sounding foreign to me.

"I don't know," Edward said through gritted teeth. "I can't…shit, I don't want to stop."

Another small thrust and my lower belly started to coil; my toes were starting to tingle and curl, and I knew it wouldn't be long before I came. Edward must've felt that I was close, and he pushed two fingers inside of me as he bumped against me once more. I tightened around his fingers and pulsed, my mouth dropped open in a silent moan. Once I regained my senses, I remembered my task at hand.

I pulled my panties back up, a nonverbal gesture alerting Edward that we wouldn't be fucking, but my toes pushed his boxers all the way down. I started pumping him rapidly, his hips moving in time with my hand, and within another minute, he spilled onto my stomach. He collapsed on top of me, squishing the sticky mess between us, but we didn't care.

"God, you feel so good against me," he said against my throat. My right leg tightened around his in affirmation. I couldn't speak yet, the emotion thick in my throat, and I had to fight not to cry. My head started to ache immediately with the effort, and when Edward pulled back, his face dropped when he took in my glassy eyes. "Babe, what's wrong?"

I watched his eyes flicker back and forth between my own, and I bit my lip to keep from spilling my secrets, but it was too much. With a sigh/sob, I told him the thing I'd been fighting for weeks.

"I love you," I told him, sounding like a petulant child.

He said nothing. He looked shocked and flattered, but he didn't look like a man in love with a woman. He only looked like a boy caught in lust. I was beyond embarrassed as the seconds ticked by and he didn't respond. At some point I pushed him off of me and sat up, and before I knew it, I was in my shower. I hurriedly washed the evidence of what we'd done from my skin, my mind blank and my limbs shaky.

I heard the bathroom door open and Edward's tentative voice on the other side of the shower curtain.

"Babe," he said softly. "Don't be upset."

I scoffed loudly. It was easy for him to say that; he wasn't the one that confessed his feelings and got shut down. I had to watch his terrified face as he hovered over me, naked, knowing he wished I hadn't trapped him.

"I'm not upset," I said in a voice that clearly betrayed just how upset I was.

"Yes, you are, and you have every right to be," he said, and his words brought new tears to my eyes. Most of the steps we'd taken in our relationship hurt, so I shouldn't have been surprised at the level of pain radiating through my chest. "I'm sorry I didn't respond, I was just so shocked."

"Don't worry, I won't ever bring it up again," I told him, praying he'd be willing to still be my boyfriend after my verbal diarrhea.

"That's not what I meant," he responded. "Can I…fuck."

The shower jerked back and Edward stood facing me, his boxers tugged back into place. His eyes stayed on my face, never straying to the wet planes of my body and he looked serious.

"I didn't expect you to say that to me first. I didn't think you'd be ready to hear those words, let alone say them, for a long time. You just surprised the shit out of me, that's all. I love you, too. And I hope we can keep saying that to each other for a long time," he told me, his eyes glinting hopefully. I reached a hand out toward him and grabbed his elbow.

"Get in here." The relief washing over me was unbelievable, and knowing that he felt the same way I did made me feel light enough to fly. Edward barely pulled his boxers off before I forced him into the tub, and he pulled the curtain to the wall before embracing me. The water ran down both of our bodies, skin to skin, and I kissed wherever my lips could reach.

It wasn't long before we were both worked up again, and Edward's erection was sandwiched between us.

"Do you think your parents will get home soon?" he asked, his chest sliding against mine in perfect friction.

"Um," I said, trying to think amidst the haze of arousal I was stuck in. "Uh, no. They won't be back until…after dinner."

Edward's mouth was devouring mine. I could feel my lips starting to sting from his stubble, but I didn't want to stop.

"Turn around," I told him. I grabbed the body wash perched on the edge of the tub and squeezed a generous amount into my hand. I pressed myself against his back, rubbing my soapy hands down his abs until I started stroking his dick languidly. My left hand cupped his balls as my right hand picked up speed, my body jerking with the effort. Edward's hands were propped against the shower wall, and he came with a loud grunt.

"Shit," he said as he knees almost buckled. I helped him rinse off before I turned off the water. I grabbed towels for both of us before cracking open the bathroom door and listening intently. The only thing I could make out was the sound of the TV, left on from earlier.

"We're safe," I said as I pointed for him to go to my room. I scurried down the hall and picked up our discarded clothes. My parents most likely wouldn't be home for another hour or two, but I didn't need to leave evidence lying around for them to find, just in case. Once I entered my room and tossed the clothes down, Edward pulled the towel from my body and gently pushed me to lie down on my bed.

"I want to try, um," he said as he looked down. "I've never done it before."

I nodded my assent, and he trailed kisses down my body, each one feeling hotter on my skin than the last. His lips met my wet flesh and all it took was a bit of coaxing and a little encouragement, and his tongue was driving me insane. Once Edward employed the use of his fingers in addition to his mouth, I was a goner. It wasn't until I came back down that I realized I had his head in a death grip between my thighs. I loosed my legs and he looked up at me with a triumphant smile. He wiped his face off on the discarded towel next to me before flopping onto the bed.

I rolled my eyes when I saw that he was hard again. "Geez, Edward, you are really insatiable, aren't you?"

He shrugged unashamedly before rolling onto his stomach. "I can't help that I always want you. That's your fault."

I laughed at his words and took a moment to appreciate his naked back as he rested beside me. I traced a pattern between his freckles like a connect-the-dots puzzle before following the line of his spine down to what had to be the most perfect ass ever created. It was small yet round, muscular and lily-white, and I loved it. I loved all of him. I gave one of his solid hamstrings a squeeze before snuggling against him.

The two of us got dressed after a few more quiet moments. The intimacy we'd shared that afternoon made me feel like a different person when I walked back into the family room. Edward and I sunk into the comfy cushions and started the movie we'd picked out, and when my parents finally appeared, they were none the wiser to what had taken place. As the hours passed, I never let his flannel-covered torso get too far away to touch.

Edward told me he loved me at least four more times before he left, and when he called back that night before he went to bed, his whispered words made my heart sing.

"I love you, too," I told him before hitting the red button on my phone to disconnect the call. I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.


	24. Chapter 24

**Happy Monday! I hope you all are doing well. I don't know if I'll be posting Friday or not, as I'll be traveling back home after the holiday and then working all weekend, so I'm saying right now, you might not get another chapter until Monday, but we'll see. Hope you like this one!**

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It was the Saturday before Thanksgiving when I got the call. I was sitting at the kitchen table, zoning out and waiting for Edward to arrive, when Mom walked in and asked if I had half an hour to spare. I agreed hesitantly, so she sat down at the table with me, and laid her cell phone on the smooth surface. She hit a button before speaking.

"Okay, Maggie, what's up?" Mom asked aloud.

"Isabella? You're there?" Maggie's distorted voice asked.

"Yep. What's going on?" I rested my elbows on the table and leaned forward towards the phone.

"I've got something to talk to you about, and I knew your mother would want to be involved as well. A proposition of sorts," she began. Mom's eyes narrowed as Maggie continued. "There's a script I want to send you."

"Maggie, I thought we said Bella wouldn't be doing any films until she graduated," Mom interrupted.

"I know that's what we discussed, but I'd be in a world of shit if I didn't present this," Maggie countered. "Charlotte is adamant that Isabella be offered the part first."

"Charlotte?" I asked, quickly racking my brain for someone I knew by that name. "Charlotte Pai?"

"That's the one. She wrote the script, and this is her directorial debut. She wrote a supporting role with you in mind."

"Me? Why?"

"She said that she enjoyed working with you on _Blacklisted_ and felt a connection," Maggie responded. "She thinks this could be perfect for you, right now."

"So, what, this is a comeback role?" I questioned.

"What exactly is the story? I need the specs," Mom suddenly stated.

"It's a ultra low budget indie drama, one-hundred and twenty pages, starring Makenna Erickson. Isabella would play her younger sister," Maggie rattled off. My ears perked at the name Makenna—she was a true indie darling, a real, serious actress. She'd already been nominated for an Oscar and two Golden Globes, and won two Spirit Awards.

"How big is the part?" I asked.

"Your character is in just over sixty pages of the script," Maggie said. I nodded to myself, impressed. "Like I said, this is ultra low—this won't be a paycheck role by any means."

"How much are we talking?" Mom asked.

"Maybe one hundred," Maggie responded in a quiet voice. I hadn't been paid less than five hundred thousand in years, but I was still intrigued.

"I mean, it sounds like a nice offer, Maggie, but I just don't know. Charlotte is great, and Makenna is a professional, but Bella really doesn't need to be in LA anytime soon," Mom hedged.

"That's the best part—this is filming in Pennsylvania. All on location, no studio work. She'll be able to do ADR at Charlotte's place in New York if she has to." she explained. "It starts right after New Years, and you'd be working for about three weeks, at most."

I heard a short knock at the door before it opened. I turned to see Edward enter the room.

"Hey, babe," he said loudly before patting my arm.

"Hey," I said quietly before putting my finger to my lips, telling him to be quiet. I pointed at the phone on the table when I saw his confused expression.

"You still there?" Maggie's disembodied voice asked.

"Yeah. Well, I'm definitely interested—send the script," I said, watching my mother's reaction.

"Renee?" Maggie questioned.

"Send it. This might work out," she said, obviously not wanting to put her eggs in the basket yet.

"Great! I'll have it to you by Monday. Read it ASAP. Charlotte needs an answer quickly in case she has to do auditions. But, really, Isabella, I think this will be perfect. You can get a good film under your belt, and start building your name back up. You'll be a fan favorite by the time you finish high school, hon," Maggie said enthusiastically.

We ended the call quickly, and Edward looked at me with questioning eyes.

"There's a movie shooting after the holidays that Maggie is sending the script for," I told him.

"I thought you weren't taking any jobs for a while?"

"Well, I wasn't going to, but this sounds pretty good," I told him. He nodded before clearing his throat.

"Um, where would you…you would have to travel? Uh, for how long?" he asked, his voice giving away his anxiety.

Mom stood and walked away from the table without speaking. I was afraid she was angry that I wanted to consider the role, but I wouldn't feel guilty for wanting to do something that would actually be _good_ for my career.

"I would only be gone for a few weeks, and it's shooting in Pennsylvania," I answered, watching him visibly relax. He pursed his lips, looking down as he thought.

"I'll miss you," he said succinctly.

I felt my skin warm with his words. I leaned forward to plant a kiss on his still pursed lips. "I'll miss you, too. You could come with me."

He raised one eyebrow. "Oh, yes, let me just ask my parents if I can miss a few weeks of school to travel with you to a movie set."

I snorted. "Well, when you put it like that, it does sound a little ridiculous. I wish you could come with me, though. I'll have to do tutoring on set, and there are all kinds of shooting laws since I'm a minor. I'll be lonely."

"Will your mom go with you?" I shrugged.

"I don't know. I'd rather have Jas go with me. He can be my chaperone," I told him.

"Do you know anything about the script?" he asked as he reached for me. He pulled me onto his lap, his arms wrapping firmly around my middle and his nose nuzzling my ear.

"Not really. It's a low budget indie drama. Makenna Erickson is the lead, and I'd play her younger sister," I relayed to him, watching his eyes glaze over. I didn't doubt for a second that he was remembering a graphic scene Makenna did in a movie a couple of years ago—totally, completely naked, writhing on a stage, playing a Dutch stripper.

"Hey!" I shouted as I pushed his shoulder. "If you're going to fantasize about another woman, at least do it when I'm not sitting on your lap, you perv."

He looked properly abashed for a second before leaning forward to capture my lips between his. After he pulled away, he whispered in my ear. "Now that I've seen you naked, believe me, I have no reason to fantasize about anyone else."

I sighed, unable to resist his charms. "Fine, whatever."

"Well, I hope you like the script. This could be good, right? I mean, do you think you can handle the scene and all that?" he questioned sincerely.

"It won't be the easiest thing to do, but the production will be a lot smaller than I've worked on before. And Makenna doesn't get into that stuff, and hopefully whoever else is cast won't be. And if I can get Jas to go with me, he'll help me out. I can do this. I have over a month to prepare," I told him. "Like you said, hopefully I'll like the script. You can read it, if you want."

"Really? Isn't that, like, against the rules of your contract or something?"

"Under normal circumstances, but I doubt you're going to leak the script to the press, or try to steal the concept and make your own film, right?" I teased.

"I hope this works out for you. Even if it does take you away from me," he said seriously. I watched his green-gray-yellow flecked eyes bore into mine.

"What do you mean?" my voice sounding vulnerable and sad all of a sudden.

"If you get a lot of recognition or whatever for this movie, your career could take off again. I want you to be happy. And successful. Even if I can't be with you because of it," he said, never taking his eyes off of me. His stare was too intense, and I looked away. I felt a burning sensation in my chest, like his words were lines in a book too sad to be real.

"Just because…even if I do shoot a few good movies, that doesn't mean I…that we can't be together," I told him, staring at his forearm crossed over my lap. "Maybe I shouldn't do this movie."

"You have to. Or, at least consider it. This is what you want to do. I don't want to hold you back," he told me, his voice sounding stupid and mature and I wanted to slap him or cry.

"Why do you think you'd hold me back?" I asked irritably.

"Because you'll be travelling the world, and I'll be here, working on my dad's ranch," he stated matter-of-factly.

"But I don't have to do that. I have enough money—I don't need to work. And you wouldn't have to, either. We could stay here or move or you could travel with me. I love you," I said desperately. I clutched his neck and held his face to my collarbone. "Don't do this."

"I'm not doing anything, I'm being realistic," he argued.

"I don't want you to be realistic! I want you to be happy for me and crazy-stupid-in-love! I want you to tell me how awesome this is and how'll we'll stay together forever, regardless of what I'm doing or where we're living. I don't need _realistic_ right now," I spat. "I need you to say you'll be there with me."

Edward was quiet as he rested his head against me. My chest was still heaving from my small outburst. I was surprised he didn't cringe away from my near shrieking. His arms tightened infinitesimally around me before he opened his mouth, his breath hot on my already heated skin.

"I'm sorry. I am happy for you, and I'm so ridiculously, crazy-stupid-in-love I feel like I'm losing my mind half the time. I'm drowning in this, and I love it, but when I think about the future, I get scared. It's all hazy and it hurts, so I…this is what I do, I prepare for the worst. That way I'm not disappointed. It's easier to lose something when you already told yourself you would, you know?" he admitted in one long string of sentences.

"It's not helping a Goddamn thing, though. It just pisses me off and breaks my heart and I'll just cling harder, I swear to God, I will. And you'll just have to work that much harder to get me to let go."

"I don't want you to let go; that's the problem," he confessed softly.

"Then let me hold on. Please," I nearly begged. He nodded against my throat, and we held each other in silence for another few minutes.

"I love you," he said as he pulled back from me. He kissed my cheek and smiled widely. "And this is great news. What will I wear to the premiere?"

I laughed as I stood from his lap before leading him down the hall to my room.

"Seriously! Should I go for a classic, formal look, or maybe a rebel-meets-red-carpet kind of thing," he continued, making me laugh even harder.

"I would love for you to wear a flannel shirt and those jeans that you say are too tight," I told him as I turned on my iPod. Edward flopped down on my bed and looked up at me, happiness present on his face.

"In that case, I want you to wear that blue turtleneck you had on the other day. And those brown boots. Well, and pants, I guess," he said thoughtfully.

"A turtleneck sweater? Sheesh, you sure want me covered up, don't you?" I asked him as I lay down on the bed.

"Shit, that thing is hot! The great thing about sweaters like that is that they hint at what's underneath. Sweaters are sexy. It's like a surprise waiting under the fabric," he told me as he rolled toward me, his mouth and body covering mine as his hand slipped under the thick knit shirt I had on. I was long past dressing up for him to come over, and he seemed to appreciate the lack of effort in a way I hadn't thought possible.

I felt the evidence of his appreciation on my thigh, and his hand crept further up before retreating hastily.

"I forgot, your parents are home," he said regretfully as he kneaded the skin below my belly button with his hand. It was close enough that it made me tingle all over, and I just wanted to scoot up on the bed a few inches so he'd be in the right spot. My yoga pants were thin enough that I could easily feel every…little…touch.

Edward's hand was suddenly rough as he moved a little lower, his fingers digging into the crease between my leg and center, his forceful ministrations making my breath catch. He palmed me and squeezed before rolling back over.

"Ah, fuck. You don't have any underwear on," he groaned. I could barely recover from the way he'd touched me, even though it only lasted a second.

"Uhh, um, no. I—whoa," I sighed. "I didn't put any on today," I told him. I hadn't even done it on purpose. Earlier, I pulled the pants on before realizing, and then didn't feel like taking them back off.

Edward repositioned himself so that we were somewhat perpendicular. His legs tangled with mine so that our calves were nestled together, and I saw him adjust himself in his pants. Only seconds later, my door opened quickly, and my dad's frantic face peered down at us. Neither of us moved, since we were locked in a pretty innocent position, and I waited for Dad to speak.

"Door open, okay?" he asked tersely. I nodded and so did he, and then he walked off.

"God, that was close," Edward murmured.

"It certainly was."

After eating dinner with my parents, Jas and Alice appeared before heading out on a date. Edward and I technically hadn't gone on any dates, but I was okay with that. I loved staying at home, snuggling and watching movies, and there wasn't a lot to do in Havre. The days of going out every night and being photographed were way behind me.

Edward and I both lay down on the couch to watch a couple of movies, our heads on opposite ends, and a blanket draped over our bodies. One or both of my parents made sure to walk through every twenty minutes or so, ensuring no hanky-panky was happening, and for the most part, we were good.

It wasn't until halfway through the second movie that Edward bent his leg to stretch, and his foot brushed against a very sensitive spot. I jerked and he looked at me inquisitively. The couch wasn't very long, and with little effort I was able to move the pillow I was leaned against down enough that I lined my ass up with Edward's crotch.

His legs and socked feet were behind me, and the blanket over us was thick, allowing ample room for a little fun. I reached under the cover in search of his hand, and once I found it, I guided his fingers back to the spot they'd touched just earlier in the evening. I watched his face and saw him bite his lip as he started stroking me through the yoga pants. At that moment, my mom walked through, and we were the picture of movie-watching innocence. Edward's hand didn't retreat, but he stopped breathing until she exited the room.

His fingers tensed around the waistband of my pants, and with only a slight raise of my hips, he pulled them down far enough to gain access. I bent my knee and Edward's fingers started to dance. The thrill of doing something like that in public—relatively speaking—made everything feel more intense. I couldn't keep my hips from moving, and the slight rocking motion was pressing Edward's dick against my ass, causing him to moan lowly.

My heart started to pound and I came, my legs tensing around his hand until I could make them work again. Edward helped pull my pants back up since I felt boneless, and after watching a scene to recover, I slipped my hand behind me to rub him through his jeans. I managed to undo his button with one hand, and just as I started sliding the zipper down, my mom reappeared.

"I love this part," she said with a small laugh. I glanced at her and saw her eyes fixed on the screen, and I wanted to be bad, so I kept unzipping Edward's pants. I gripped him through his boxers as I responded to her.

"Me, too. Jeff Bridges is hilarious," I said nonchalantly. Edward let out a cross between a groan and a laugh when I silently pulled him out of his boxers. After another minute, Mom gave me a small smile and walked down toward the kitchen. Edward let out a deep breath, and I stroked him quickly. I could tell he was already close, and as I ran my palm over the head of his dick, he hissed loudly.

He looked at me apologetically and after a few more pumps, he came. He'd managed to lift his shirt so that he didn't get anything on the blanket, but then we had a sticky situation. I paused the movie and after tucking himself back in, Edward stood slowly before walking to the bathroom. I heard him say something to my dad, who he apparently ran into in the hallway, and I couldn't help but laugh. I was certain Edward was going to kill me.

However, when he got back, his smile was mischievous, and he shook his head at me teasingly. He plopped down next to me and threw his arm over my shoulder.

"That was very naughty," he whispered huskily in my ear. "You'll have to pay for that."

"Oh, no," I said in my damsel impersonation. "Whatever will you do?"

I batted my eyelashes at him as his smirk widened. "Oh, you'll see."

He leaned in to kiss me while he squeezed my breast abruptly and then pulled away just as quick. I watched as he settled back into his seat and started the movie back, looking like he hadn't a care in the world. I smiled as I watched him before eventually turning my eyes back to the movie, unable to stop thinking about Edward and how much I wanted him.

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**The inspiration for the couch scene came from having two different friends tell me they did much worse under a blanket with their parents in the same room...**


	25. Chapter 25

**Hello, world! So, I hope you all have a good week and forgive me for not updating Friday. Everyone seemed to have some stories of their own after last chapter's "Blanketgate", so I think maybe I was just a prude in high school!**

**This is a short chapter, giving you a little insight into your favorite farmboy. So, without further ado...**

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_Edward_

I felt like I was being taken over by another force. Something was invading my thoughts constantly, to the point of debilitation. No time of day was sacred. My mind was never safe.

I was a horny mother fucker.

Since getting Bella off in the tool shed, I could think of nothing else. I sifted through the memories of that day constantly, and then started imagining the other things we could do. I felt her body that day, but I needed to see her. I was driving myself crazy trying to envision her.

I was going over to her house, but I was on edge. She'd been giving me some of the sultriest looks all week, and it wasn't helping the situation. I pulled down her driveway, noticing immediately that at least one of her parents was gone. I knew Jas had plans with Ali, so the thought of possibly being alone with Bella sent me into a near panic.

I walked inside, not seeing either of her parents, and talked to Jas for a few minutes. The second I heard the door shut behind him, I asked the burning question.

"Where are your parents?" I could feel my face heat up at my eagerness, but I was a teenage boy on high alert. These kinds of situations were meant to be taken advantage of.

Bella gave some vague answer about where they were and how long they would be gone. We both sat on the couch, but I wanted to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her.

How the hell was she so nonchalant? I got hard the second she said her parents were gone, and now my heart was pounding out of my chest. Bella snuggled into me and shut her eyes, and I wanted to growl in frustration. She was taking a nap while I died of sexual starvation.

I gave up then and started playing with her hair. I resigned to the fact that I was not going to get any action, and shut my eyes, too.

I felt Bella's hand run roughly over the bulge in my pants, and I let out a strangled moan. I instinctively bucked against her hand as my eyes flew open in surprise. My head spun at how quickly Bella moved then, and suddenly she was straddling me and attacking my mouth with hers. I managed to croak out a question, practically begging her to take her clothes off. Thank God she agreed, and within seconds, I was gazing at her bare chest.

_Oh, God, so perfect._

She was all creamy skin and perfectly shaped, and I think I drooled. With a steadying breath, I reached up to palm them both. I knew it wasn't the right time for comparison, but Bella's tits seemed so much more spectacular than Rose's. They were perkier, but not as round; her nipples were smaller, but so Goddamn responsive to my touch.

I told her she was beautiful before finally running my tongue along her soft cleavage. I moved to greedily suck her left nipple into my mouth, and I wished I never had to stop. I kept my lips closed over her, and started lapping my tongue over the tight bud, and her head fell back in ecstasy.

I flipped us over and Bella pulled my shirt up, raking her hands down my stomach as I got rid of the garment. Suddenly, she was unbuttoning her pants, and I was on autopilot. I undressed as fast as I could, and then laid back down on top of her. My boxers did little to hide how fucking swollen I was. I got my fingers positioned on Bella's clit, but I was frozen when I felt her grip my dick.

_Fuck, she feels so good._

I was in such a haze and couldn't seem to stop or think. At one point, my tip hit her wet, hot flesh and I'd never felt anything like it. I was seconds away from moving her hand and plunging into her when she spoke.

"Oh, God, are we doing this?" Her voice was breathy and low, but her words were able to help me regain a little control. I told her I didn't want to stop, and left it up to her. I kept pressing my dick against her, and she came just as I pushed two fingers into her. The way her walls clenched around me made me want to press in even more.

Bella pulled her underwear back up, and my dick wept mournfully for a second. Her hand got back to work, and I came hard before collapsing onto top of her, squishing the sticky mess between us.

My body was in sensory overload, and feeling her underneath me still was almost too good. Bella's stomach clenched and I sat up a little, thinking I was crushing her. I was surprised, however, to be greeted with tears pooling in her eyes.

And then she said it. She said she loved me. I thought I surely misheard her, since she looked like she was being tortured.

She scurried out from under me and down the hall, slamming the bathroom door behind her. I took a second to replay what had happened, and then I couldn't get to her fast enough. I barged into the bathroom, eventually pulling the shower curtain back and telling her I loved her, too.

We showered together and she jerked me off again, because I just couldn't get enough of her. We ran to her bedroom and I went down on her; I was nervous since I hadn't done it before, but Bella seemed to enjoy it. I knew I would never forget how she looked, fully naked, spread open wide, her body writhing under my mouth. That would fuel many fantasies, I was sure.

xXx

I walked into Bella's kitchen and greeted her like I usually did. She gave me the signal to be quiet, and then a disembodied voice spoke. I realized she and her mom were talking to someone on speakerphone, so I sat down to wait.

"Yeah. Well, I'm definitely interested," Bella said. "Send the script."

My ears perked up at the word "script," and I felt my palms get sweaty as my nerves spiked. I didn't think she was going to work on any projects for a couple of years, but I tried not to panic. I looked at her inquisitively once she got off the phone.

"There's a movie shooting after the holidays that Maggie is sending the script for," she said coolly, like my entire world wasn't about to implode.

I kept my voice steady and un-accusatory. "I thought you weren't taking any jobs for a while?"

"Well, I wasn't going to, but this sounds pretty good," she informed me.

I felt like an idiot. I'd actually been thinking she and I had a future, when all we were getting was a couple of months. I was losing her. I just got her, but I was losing her already. Once she got on that plane to leave, she wouldn't be mine again. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

I managed to ask her where she was shooting, and how long she would be gone. I felt a little better that she wasn't going to L.A., for her sake. Even if she wasn't mine anymore, I wanted her to stay clean and continue growing into who she was meant to be.

"I'll miss you," I told her honestly. I didn't know what else to say. She kissed me and murmured that she wished I could come with her. The glaring differences between us glimmered even brighter in that moment. She would always be leaving, and I would always be staying.

I pulled her on my lap, trying desperately to hold on to something that was slipping away. I held her tightly as she spoke about the script, and tried not to let my despair show. I tried to be supportive and ask the right questions. I tried to be happy for her, and not a selfish prick, but the pain in my chest was distracting me.

"I hope this works out for you," I half-lied. "Even if it does take you away from me."

Bella's smile faded, and I watched the light in her eyes dim. I was such a bastard. I felt needy and uncertain, but I didn't need to bring her down. I futilely tried to explain how we were from different worlds. I told her I wanted her to be happy and successful, which I did. I swallowed my pain and said I wanted this to work out for her, even if I lost her because of it.

_When_ I lost her because of it.

But Bella wouldn't listen. She refused to listen, and she begged me to be idealistic with her and pretend.

God, did it hurt to pretend, but it was better than facing our new reality. It was easier to pretend than face what was probably the start of our demise.

So I resolved to hold on to her while I could, and let her keep pretending. I cracked a joke and tried to act normal, even though my heart was slowly cracking open.

At that point, I could deny her nothing. We fooled around on her couch while her parents were in and out of the room, and it was exhilarating. Nothing could diminish how much I wanted her, and now I felt ever more desperate to have her.

The sex and love and lust and release were almost enough to make me forget that she was slipping away. Almost.

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**I'm curious to hear what you guys think - a lot of you are always surprised by what's going on in Edward's head.**

**On another note, I realized today that this fic has 270 reviews, which is way more than my other _completed_ fics have, and I'm just amazed. Thank you all so much, and all of you new readers, thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you're enjoying this story.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Happy Friday! We're back to Bella with this chapter, and things are moving ahead a little more. Thanks for all of your responses to the last chapter - I know it's tough to be in Edward's head sometimes, but he's still a little wounded.**

**I don't own Twilight, but hopefully at this time tomorrow I will own Eclipse on blu-ray (fingers crossed)!**

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I knew I was being petulant, but I couldn't help it. I tried to talk myself down from the cliff I was perched on, metaphorically speaking, but wouldn't budge. I looked at Jas for support, but he just held up his hands and shook his head. He didn't want a part in this argument.

"It's not fair! Esme said we could go over there. Why is it such a big deal that we have dinner here?" I asked again, loudly. My father had his fingers steepled in front of his lips, and I could tell his patience was wearing thin. My mother sighed heavily before responding.

"Isabella, come on," she began. "Tell me: when was the last Thanksgiving we spent together?"

I knew instantly that the number of years was nearing double digits, but I wasn't ready to give up.

"We'd be together at the Cullens!" I sputtered, my hand flying as I gestured vaguely in the direction of Edward's house. "Jas, you know you want to spend the holiday with Alice! Help me out here!"

"I don't—I _do_, but—I don't have a horse in this race, okay?" he asked, employing what I decided was the stupidest analogy in history.

"We are spending the day here, as a family, just us, and that is final!" Dad finally shouted, slamming his hands on the table as he stood up. He turned and left the room before anyone had a chance to speak. Mom just looked pointedly at me before following him.

"This is horseshit," I said as I looked at Jas. He shrugged. "And you're fucking useless, you traitor!"

"I could tell they weren't going to budge, and I didn't feel like fighting this early in the morning," Jas explained before glancing at the clock. "And we needed to leave five minutes ago. Did you enjoy your tantrum?"

I glared at him as I grabbed my bag from the floor beside me and stomped outside. I didn't care how irrational I was acting, I wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner with Edward. And Esme was such an amazing cook, I really wanted to eat her dinner instead of Mom's. I huffed a few more times as I settled into the car, but tried to get in a better mood as we neared the school after thirty minutes of silence.

School was as uninteresting as ever. The only thing that brought me joy was seeing Edward. He usually wedged his knees against the back of my desk during first period, and the limited contact made me want more, always. We held hands between classes and tried to sit relatively close together at lunch, but it just wasn't enough anymore. I kissed him a bit over-zealously in the parking lot after school, and he told me he'd come over in a couple of hours. His dad needed help with something on the ranch—some tool or trough or something.

I made a mental note to pay more attention to what he said about the ranch; it wasn't completely inconceivable that one day we could be running the ranch together. The most shocking part was that the thought of settling down with Edward in Havre didn't give me the shakes. I sincerely didn't mind the thought at all.

I arrived home to find that the script had been delivered; the film was titled _Greetings from Estonia_, and was a dense two-hour movie. Makenna's character, Magdi, was a maternal older sister to my character, Shiri, and was also running from an abusive ex-husband. Shiri was the quintessential troubled teenager, sleeping with way too many boys and saying yes to way too many things. Thankfully it seemed that I wouldn't have to simulate any drug use—that would hit too close to home.

Mom read the script before I got home, and gave it the green light. I was surprised, but she admitted that she genuinely loved the story, and thought that it would be a good turn for me to make. I was over halfway through it when Edward arrived. I patted the seat next to me and offered him the first pages so he could read as I did.

I was so engrossed in the climax of the story that I didn't notice Edward's stiff demeanor, his repeated scoffs, or the way his eyebrows kept shooting up his forehead until I finished it. I leaned back with a smile on my face, knowing that not only would I say yes to the project, but that I would be able to do a good job. I looked over to find an irate Edward glaring at me.

He stared at me in silence. My mouth dropped open a few times, unsure what to say to him.

"What?" I finally asked.

"What? _What_?" he mocked. His voice turned eerily calm. "Do you like the script?"

"I love it. I'm definitely going to tell Charlotte I'll do it," I answered. "Do _you_ not like it?"

"Oh, I'm sure it's great—I just can't seem to get over the fact that it's practically porn!" he exclaimed, throwing the pages down on the ottoman.

"Ex-_cuse_ me? _Porn_?" I asked in a shout.

"Yes, porn. Bella, you sleep with like, three different guys!" he said as he pointed at the discarded script.

"I'll let you in on a little secret, Edward—I won't actually be sleeping with any of them! It's called acting," I retorted.

"You'll be naked!"

"I'll be shirtless, but they won't show anything—I'm underage, for one, and I don't intend to do nude scenes, ever," I told him.

"You'll have to kiss these guys! And I'm only," he said as he picked up the page on top, "fifty pages in! Who knows how many more there are!"

"Edward, honestly, it's just acting. It doesn't mean anything," I pleaded.

"I don't care, I'll still have to see your lips _kissing_ other guys. That's not cool," he said. "I know I can't tell you what to do, or what not to do, but just think about me for a second."

I stared in slack-jawed silence. I literally had no idea what to say. I heard Edward muttering things about "hands all over you," and I wanted to tell him he was crazy, but the words wouldn't come out. While I was furious he thought kissing some random actors would affect he and I at all, I couldn't deny the fact that I would be freaking out if the situation were reversed.

My mind was strange mix of uncertain thoughts and guilt and indignation—I wasn't sure which way to go. After casting one more glance at him, I stood slowly and walked down the hall. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going until I got there, knocking and waiting to be granted entrance.

I heard Jas's low voice say, "Come in." I said nothing as I took a seat on his unmade bed.

"What's up? Where's Edward?" he questioned after watching me for a moment. He sat at his desk, swiveled around in his chair, his computer screen littered with tabs and windows and IM bubbles.

"Can you…will you go…hang out with him, or something? For a few minutes?" I finally ask. Jas nods hesitantly before walking out of the room. I knew he wouldn't ask questions yet, and I could just take a minute to be alone.

On one hand, I was furious. I hated that Edward was ruining this for me; I hated that he made me feel guilty for nothing. On the other hand, I understood why he was so upset, and I didn't want to be mad at him. I wanted to turn down the offer and let things stay the same, and forget about the whole acting thing.

But the thought of doing that sent an instant pang of regret through me, and I knew I wouldn't last if I did that. I'd resent Edward. I would be unhappy. I couldn't let his jealousy stop me, even if I got what he was saying. I truthfully didn't know what to say to him to make things better. I needed to do this film. I connected with my character in a way I hadn't before, and I felt something inside of me—faith, maybe—that told me this was exactly the right thing to do.

I hated that it was tainted with Edward freaking out. But I knew I couldn't say no. I would just have to hope Edward could accept it.

I lay back on Jasper's bed until he returned.

"Edward headed home," he informed me. I nodded, unsurprised. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. What'd Edward say?" I asked.

"He said that he couldn't stand the thought of other guys touching you, and that he was pretty sure you were going to break up with him," he answered.

"He said that?" I asked as I stared at the ceiling, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Yeah. He's worried, but he's…pretty mad, too."

I could tell by Jas's voice that he was hesitant to tell me. "What do you think?"

"I think that…it's understandable that he's upset. And I think that he didn't grow up in the scene, so he's not used to that kind of thing. I also think you should take this role. And I think that Edward will come around. But I don't want you to miss out on this," he told me. I turned my head to look at him. He looked compassionate and honest and like my brother. He looked like my father. He looked like family.

Jas flopped down next to me, and we both went back to staring at the ceiling. "What should I do about Edward?"

"I would give him a couple of hours. If he hasn't called you by then, call him. If you want this part, and you want Edward, then you'll have to find a way to balance it. He needs to know what he's getting into, though. If you want him around," Jas said.

"I do want him around. I don't want to fuck this up over a movie. But I don't want to fuck up my career over a guy," I spoke honestly. "This sucks."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I said, waiting.

"Why do you like Edward?"

"What's not to like? He's hot and smart and funny, sometimes. He's a gentleman. He likes the same kinds of movies as me. He helps me."

"But what about him makes you want him around for a while?" he pushed. I thought for a few moments before trying to answer.

"I guess it's more a matter of…I can't imagine him not being around. There's something in him that I respond to; something in me answers to him, whether I want to or not. I feel more like myself when I'm with him. Like I can do and be whatever I want. Like I'm new. I can't fight it."

"Hmm," he responded.

"What about you? Why do you like Alice?"

"She's…she's like my puzzle piece," he said. "I know it sounds cheesy, but she's like my other half. She's…convex where I'm concave."

I giggled at little at the reference. "So, you think you two are, like, gonna work out?"

"I think it's possible. If we want it to. Moving here was…it was supposed to happen, I think. Like we were…" he trailed off.

"Meant to be here," I finish. We both sat in silence for a little while longer. I got cold and pulled the edge of his comforter over my arms, shutting my eyes and trying to shut off my mind.

"Do you believe in fate?" Jas finally asked.

"I don't know. It'd be nice to have faith in something like that. To have faith that things will work out for the best in the end," I said. "You?"

"I'm starting to, more and more." I felt the bed shake as he repositioned himself. I opened my eyes to see that he'd propped his head up on a pillow. "So, you're going to take the role, right?"

"Yeah. I think I have to."

"Do you want me to come to Pennsylvania with you?"

"Yes. Thank you," I told him, glad he knew instinctively that I'd need him there.

"No problem."

Mom eventually poked her head in the room and asked us what we were doing.

"Solving the problems of the universe, of course," Jas replied with his eyes still closed.

"Well, if you want to eat, you'll have to put that on hold for now," she said with a grin. Jas and I both rolled off the bed and staggered toward the door. I felt famished. I walked by the family room and saw the pages of the script strewn about, so I stopped in to organize them. I saw my phone sitting on one of the couch cushions, and picked it up to see a text from Edward waiting.

_I kno ur mad, but please call me 2nite. Love u._

I couldn't help but smile at his words. I smiled and tried not to cry, because I knew that we would have a hard time while I was shooting. I knew that Edward's insecurities and fears wouldn't go away overnight. I also knew that no amount of words or actions would lessen the sting of him knowing—and eventually seeing—me kiss another guy. I walked to the dining room and sat down, suddenly feeling a little queasy.

"So, what'd you think?" Mom asked excitedly. Dad looked up to see my reaction.

"The script is great. I definitely want to do it. I think I'll be able to give a good performance," I told her, trying my hardest to muster some of my earlier enthusiasm. The entire thing was a little dampened in my mind considering Edward blew up before I'd even been able to process it.

"You know you don't have to do it if you don't want to," she said, her eyes taking in my lackluster reaction.

"No, I want to. Really. I'm calling Maggie tonight," I told them as I took a drink of water. "And Jas is going to come with me for the shoot."

"You mean you don't want your dear old mom to come?" she asked in a light voice.

"Ugh, how embarrassing," I joked back. Dad and Mom both had smiles on their faces as they returned to their dinner, and I struggled to remember all of the pros of doing the movie, and tried to ignore the one glaring con.

After finishing the small amount of homework I had, I finally gave in and called Edward. He answered quickly, his voice obviously spiked with nerves.

"Hey," I greeted him.

"Hey. Um, how are you?"

"Okay. You?"

"Not good," he said with a sigh. "I feel like an ass. I feel like an ass for getting so upset, but I meant what I said, which makes me feel like more of an ass. I don't want you to be mad, or turn down the role, but I just can't wrap my head around it."

"Well, like I said before, there's over a month before I start shooting. There's time to adjust," I told him. "I wish you could come with me, though."

"God, I know. I hate being seventeen sometimes. I feel helpless," he lamented. We both stayed quiet for a few seconds as we tried to process the situation we were in.

"I know it probably doesn't help, but you know that I want you. Just you. I told you I love you, and I've never told anyone that before. And I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. Please, know that," I said softly.

"I do know it. It's just…my heart and my head are at war here, and I can't get my fucking head to be quiet," he said with a dark laugh.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't doubt your feelings for me at all, Bell, but my head just keeps…I can't stop thinking about how you could meet someone—someone better and older and more experienced that actually has a future, and—"

"Edward, you know that's not—you know I'm not looking for that! Even if I did meet someone like that, that's not what I want. I don't want to become some stupid Hollywood power couple, or even the indie 'It couple', I just want you. You're like…the only thing…God," I said in frustration. I couldn't put into words the reasons why I wanted him and needed him, or why no one else would or could take his place.

"What?" he asked.

"Just…just imagine if it were you. Would you cheat on me? Or replace me?"

"No! No, never," he said as if I offended him. "I couldn't."

"Exactly. I feel the same way, and I just want you to trust that. Trust me. I know what it's like to fight with the stupid voices in your head all the time, but try not to believe them."

"I'll try. I promise. I don't want to lose you, especially over something like this. It won't matter. We'll be fine," he stated firmly. "Right?"

"Right. I promise. And I'm sorry if it hurts. It hurts when I think about you with Rosalie or any other girl, so I can imagine how you feel," I offered.

"Yeah, it feels shitty," he said.

"It does feel shitty. But, let's talk about something not shitty. What do you want to do Friday?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"It's supposed to snow Thursday night," he told me.

"Really?" I asked, noticeably more upbeat. "A lot?"

"Several inches at least. You'll get used to it soon enough. We get a lot of snow here," he pointed out.

"Oh, I'm so excited! Well, you can come over here and we can play in it, if you want."

"I do want," he said in a suggestive tone. I felt a tiny sigh of relief inside. If he was making innuendo-laden comments, he was doing okay.

After talking about how we wished we could have Thanksgiving together, we got off the phone so I could make another call. I blew out a breath before calling Maggie to tell her the good news. She said she'd relay my info to Charlotte, and that I should hear from her soon. I ended the call feeling a little bittersweet; I was anxious to start working on the film, but I didn't want to jeopardize anything with Edward. I would have to finally work on that balancing part of acting that few people were able to master.


	27. Chapter 27

**Howdy, folks! So, we've got some new info popping up in this chapter, as well as a nice family moment, and another bit of good ol' teen angst. These kids just wanna grow up, dammit! **

* * *

I wiped my eyes blearily before checking the time on my clock. It was already ten in the morning, and I could smell food cooking down the hall. Mom was insistent that she'd be able to fix a gourmet meal for Thanksgiving, so I didn't argue. I checked my phone to see that Edward had already sent me a text.

_- Hauling straw on thanksgiving. 2 think we took land from nat. americans for this_

I had to laugh, even though I felt terrible that he had to get up early and work on a holiday.

- _Sorry, babe. I'm thankful 4 u 2day_

I hoped my words made him feel marginally better. As I finally got out of bed, I opened my laptop and checked my mail. I'd spoken to Charlotte the night before for a few minutes; she called to tell me she was excited and she'd call again this weekend to discuss things further. I could hear announcements over an intercom in the background, and she said she was traveling home for Thanksgiving.

While I was deleting a few useless emails, my IM window popped up. Demmywood69 was staring at me, and I had a moment of indecision over whether or not to talk to Demetri before sitting in my desk chair.

HaleIzYea: Whats up?

_Demmywood69: So ur talking 2 me now?_

HaleIzYea: I've been busy

_Demmywood69: Dont u live n the woods?_

HaleIzYea: No

I was starting to regret my decision to talk to him at all, but I had a question I needed to ask. I saw that he was typing a response, so I hurried to respond before he did.

HaleIzYea: So whats up w Vic?

_Demmywood69: What u mean?_

HaleIzYea: Whats she doin? I havent heard from her since that night

_Demmywood69: Which nite?_

HaleIzYea: U kno which nite. The last time I saw u

_Demmywood69: Shit, u aint talkd to her since then?_

HaleIzYea: No

_Demmywood69: Shes gone_

HaleIzYea: Where'd she go?

_Demmywood69: Halez if I kno. She blew town. Popo came round lookin 4 her. Her rents filed a missin persons report_

HaleIzYea: They never found her?

_Demmywood69: Nope. I figured u talkd to her _

HaleIzYea: No. I'm surprised u haven't

_Demmywood69: She fuckin ignored me 4 a year once, she'll come round_

HaleIzYea: Maybe, maybe not

_Demmywood69: She prolly went to Mexico w some dude_

HaleIzYea: Or she ended up in a ditch

_Demmywood69: Morbid much Hale? The cuntry made u bitchy_

HaleIzYea: I was always bitchy

_Demmywood69: Fine it put a stick up ur ass_

HaleIzYeah: Well I just wantd to kno bout Vic. Peace out.

I signed off before Demetri could respond. I'd found out what I wanted to know. I couldn't shake the thought that I could've been the one that disappeared. It could've been my parents searching for me. I felt like I dodged a bullet, but I also felt like I could've helped Vic if I had just stayed around, even though I knew it wouldn't have made a difference. I was just as messed up as she was.

I took a shower and got ready before heading down to the kitchen. Mom was hurriedly putting a pan of rolls into the oven, and had employed Jas to stir gravy. Everything smelled awesome and my lack of breakfast was starting to show.

"How long until everything's ready?" I asked.

"About fifteen minutes," she answered as she retrieved a gigantic horror movie knife and started carving the turkey. My phone vibrated in my pocket just as I licked my lips at the sight of a gigantic bowl of mashed potatoes.

- _I'm more thankful 4 u. Call me ltr?_

- _Of course. Love u._

- _Love u 2_

I put my phone away and went in search of Dad. I heard him on the phone in his study, and couldn't help but overhear his conversation.

"…So what do you want me to do?" he asked irritably. "I told you I'm not available…I'm sorry he dropped out, but I can't produce it…no. Fine. I said fine…I'll think about it…yeah."

I heard him sigh as he hung up the phone, and waited a second before I walked in.

"What's up, Dad?" I plopped down in his leather chair and looked up at him. He looked tired, but not rundown like he did when we still lived in LA. I wouldn't see him for days at a time back then, and when I did, he always looked terrible. His formerly flat stomach got a paunch from eating out constantly, and his face was starting to look like a constant grimace.

While Montana hadn't exactly turned back the hands of time, he did look more rested, and like a younger version of himself, despite the grey taking over his dark brown hair.

"Just work stuff," he said gruffly. "I'm glad to not be in the thick of it anymore."

"Do you miss it at all?'

"Not really. I mean, I liked my job, but it was eating me alive," he explained. He always said so little, so hearing him speak that way about his work surprised me. It must've been much more stressful than I'd realized. "Come on, let's go bug your mother until the food's ready."

As we all sat around the table, starting to pile food on our plates, I had to speak up.

"Um, are we going to say what we're thankful for?" I questioned.

"Bella, I know you don't want to be here, but you don't have to mock the whole thing," Mom answered without looking up.

"I'm serious! I think we should all say what we're thankful for," I told her. Everyone looked at me in shock. "I'll start.

"I'm thankful for moving here, and that you all were willing to make that change to help me. I'm thankful that you all have helped me so much. I'm thankful that you monitored my pills, Mom, and that you gave up your job, Dad, and that you've been my best friend through this, Jas."

A tear slid down Mom's cheek as she put her hand to her mouth. She shook her head, trying to get a handle on her emotions, but it was useless. She reached over to me and gripped my hand tightly before clearing her throat.

"Um, I'm thankful for my family," she said with a small sob. "I'm thankful that we're all together and that we didn't let anything tear us apart."

Dad looked uncomfortable, but spoke anyway. "I'm thankful that this move has helped bring us closer together."

"I'm thankful that my parents are happy, and that my sister is healthy," Jas started, his navy eyes looking me over. "I'm thankful that we met Alice and Edward. And I'm thankful that our future looks bright again."

I'd never been one for emotional moments, or even family time, but for that moment of silence after we'd all spoken, I knew there was no where else I'd rather be. I smiled at Jas before giving Mom's hand one more squeeze.

The food tasted great, but that wasn't what made the meal so successful. As I looked at the people I called family, I couldn't help but think about Vic, and wonder where she was. Even if I felt guilty, I was insanely grateful that my parents were willing to sacrifice for me, and that everyone stood by me through it all. I didn't doubt that they'd continue to.

The tryptophan kicked in almost immediately, and all of us retreated to the family room and dozed while a football game played on the screen. It wasn't long before I started dreaming.

_I reached for Edward's hand, but I couldn't grab him. He turned to look at me and his eyes were all wrong; gone were the usual green I saw, replaced by ice blue. His voice was different and his features weren't exactly the same, but I recognized him. There was a tree by us, filled with oranges. I gave up trying to grab Edward's hand and reached instead for an orange._

_The fruit turned into a phone in my hand and it rang. Edward's name flashed on the screen, and when I looked up, he wasn't standing there anymore. I was in a dark parking lot by myself, and when I answered the call, he didn't say anything. I heard a laugh behind me, and when I turned, I saw Vic standing over Edward. His pupils were dilated and turning his eyes black. He laughed as Vic shimmied over top of him before dropping down to straddle him._

_Immediately, they were both naked, and Vic was riding him in the bed of a truck. I looked around and saw Edward's backyard, and his family stood by, watching. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out. Edward flipped Vic over and started pounding into her. He looked up and caught my eye, but he didn't stop._

_Edward's clothes reappeared, and Vic's eyes were darkened and closed. She wasn't moving, and Edward pointed a finger at me. I looked down and saw a camera in my hand. I turned to leave, but a hand wrapped around my wrist, jerking me backwards. I fell to the ground._

I jerked awake, sufficiently grossed out and feeling nauseous. I tried to calm my breathing as I sat up. My father was dozing in the recliner, and Jas and Mom were both sleeping soundly on either side of me. I stood up quietly, my limbs feeling a little shaky, and walked down to my room. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw that Edward had texted a few times. I barely read them before immediately calling him.

"Hey, babe," he greeted me happily.

"Hey," I responded. "What's up?"

"Just watching the game. You?"

"Yeah, I was watching it, too."

"You were?"

"Well, I was sleeping on the couch while it was on," I said with a forced laugh. I paused for a beat. "I had a bad dream."

"I'm sorry, babe. Do you wanna tell me about it?" I heard the announcers in the background on Edward's end grow fainter as he walked away from the TV. I heard the click of his door and the squeak of his bed springs as he sat down.

"I don't know. It was really weird," I began. "I talked to Demetri."

"In your dream?"

"No, on IM this morning. I asked him about Vic."

"What'd he say?" Edward asked in a strange voice.

"No one's seen her since that night, either. Her parents filed a report and everything."

"Shit. Wow. I'm sorry, I guess."

"Yeah. I feel pretty…guilty, I think. I'm glad it wasn't me, but that just makes me feel worse."

"Bell, you can't think like that. Victoria made her own choices," he reminded me.

"Yeah, but she's barely older than me. She'd been through the same shit I had and now she's…probably coked out of her mind or homeless or dead or something. I mean, if she's missing, she either wants to disappear, or didn't have a choice," I said in a heated voice.

"I know, but you can't beat yourself up over this. I mean—you were lucky, and she wasn't, it's just the way it is," he said, sounding insensitive but smart. Vic did nothing to help me in any way, and she was more of an enemy than a friend, but I couldn't help but wish she hadn't disappeared.

"You're right, I know you are. I just…feel weird, and that dream got me in this weird head space," I told him.

"What was the dream?"

"I don't know if I should tell you," I hedged. "You were in it."

"Did I do something to you?"

"No, you wouldn't do a damn thing. You wouldn't touch me or give me the time of day. You finally looked at me when you were…well you and Vic were…fucking," I said, my voice growing soft by the end of my statement.

"Ugh, God. No wonder it was such a nightmare. I'm sorry, babe."

"It was just a dream," I reminded him.

"Yes, but I wish you hadn't had it. So for that, I'm sorry," he said. "Anyway, how was your Thanksgiving?"

"Really good, actually. Yours?"

"It was alright. Mom and Dad cooked, we ate, we watched TV. I wore sweatpants so I could eat more," he joked.

"I know the feeling. I have a distended belly, I think," I replied. "I guess I'll have to start cutting back now that I've got a role."

"You look great, babe, honestly. You do not need to lose any weight," he implored. "I think you look better now than you've ever looked."

"Seriously? So the baggy clothes and no makeup thing really work for you, huh? And the chubby face?"

"Your face in not chubby! You've compared yourself to anorexic models for too long, you don't even know what beautiful is. Beautiful isn't bones sticking out and no boobs or hips or muscle. You're gorgeous," he finished.

"I think you're biased," I said as he scoffed. "But, I'll shut up about it now."

"Good."

"So…did you have to do a lot of work this morning?"

Edward groaned before yawning loudly. I could just picture him stretching out on his bed, arms over his head, shirt riding up to show off his flat stomach. God, did he look good.

"Yeah, kinda. We're starting to put straw out for the winter. It'll help the cows stay warm longer," he said. "And then we'll put hay back out at the start of spring."

"There's so much work that goes into it, huh?"

"Yeah, there is. It's not something you can just jump into, either. It usually is a family thing."

"So, did your grandpa run the ranch before your dad?"

"Yep. I'll be fourth generation," he said. "Dad wants me to start being more involved with some of the business stuff, so I'll be going with him to auction in a couple of weeks. We've got some calves we're putting up."

"So, this is what you want to do?"

"Someone's gotta take over," he answered.

"But is it what you want to do? Surely your dad could sell the ranch if you didn't want to run it," I said.

"Yeah, but it's pointless. I mean, I know what to do, and I'm right here. What else am I going to do?"

"Anything! Go to school. Become a clown. Whatever you want to do," I told him.

"That's not…I'm not in a position…that ain't happening for me, okay? Alice is the one with big dreams. My parents' money will go to that, and I'll stay here. It's just the way it is."

"It doesn't have to be, though. I told you, I have enough money that we—"

"I'm not using your money, Isabella, so just drop it!" His raised voice startled me into immediate silence. He'd only called me Isabella once before, back when he acted like he despised me.

"But…" I started hesitantly, "if we get married it'll be _our_ money. Right?"

"You worked for that money. I should be the one…I would provide for us, if it came to that," he said tersely. I knew I shouldn't take it personally, but the way he spoke made it sound like he wouldn't want to ever marry me.

"It doesn't matter who makes it," I argued.

"Yes, it does," he countered.

"You're so old fashioned sometimes! Do you get it from your dad? Is that why your mom doesn't work?" I questioned hotly.

"My mom doesn't work because she got pregnant with twins when she was eighteen and never got to go to school! And maybe that's _old fashioned_, but it's just life," he retorted.

"God, I…I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know. But I'm not sure what you're getting at. I mean…what are you saying, exactly?" I asked, wondering how we got so far down this road without knowing it.

"I'm saying I'll make my own money, on the ranch, and that's that."

Edward's voice was firm, but I couldn't help but push him.

"Well, that tells me one of two things is going to happen then. Either I'll make movies and keep millions of dollars to myself, or you don't expect us to be together. Which is it? Either we're keeping our money separate, or we're not going to make it. Come on. Which is it?"

I hated how high pitched my voice was getting, but it was just what happened when I got upset. By the end of my little tirade, I was talking at a key only dogs could hear.

"That wasn't what I saying, I'm just—God, this is ridiculous—"

"Which is it?" I asked again.

"I don't know, okay? Of course I want us to stay together, and no, I don't know what the financial implications of all that would be, but we're only seventeen and shit if I know what's going to happen over the next few years! You can keep doing what you're doing, and I'll do my own thing here, and then we'll reevaluate if we decide to get married or whatever. Jeez, why are you pushing this?"

"I'm not trying to push it, I just wanted you to know that you have options. I can give you options," I said, wanting him to see my worth. I didn't just cause problems, I opened doors.

"I know! I know," he said before releasing what sounded like a growl. "I'm sorry, I just…this is jumping the gun, don't you think?"

I wanted to argue, but he was right. There was no point in talking about this hypothetical future. We still had a year and a half left of school, plus whatever we decided to do when we graduated. Just because I was imagining Edward with me for the long haul didn't mean I had to voice every little thought.

"It feels like we've been arguing this whole week, doesn't it?" I asked.

"It's been stressful," he answered. We both stayed quiet for a few seconds. "It's snowing."

My eyes shot to my bedroom window. I got up and pulled the blinds up, unable to keep the smile off my face when I saw the dainty white flakes falling.

"Wow," I breathed, the window fogging up momentarily.

"Bella," Edward said so softly I almost didn't hear. "I love you."

"I love you," I said, the words not quite able to fill in the tiny fissure in my heart. I didn't know why his resistance to our future hurt so badly, but it did. I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow, hoping his presence would smooth the cracks.

"So, you put hay out this morning?" I asked, trying to get back to where we were so much earlier in the conversation.

"Straw, this time. Hay in the spring," he said before explaining further the process for winter. We got off the phone when he couldn't stop yawning, and he promised to be over the next day.

I laid back on my bed, not ready to go to sleep, but not in the mood to talk to anyone. I loved Edward, but I did worry that we were just too different to make it last.


	28. Chapter 28

**Happy Friday! So, this is a short EPOV chapter, and I'm sorry, it's a little morose. The good news is, a much longer, happier chapter awaits you on Monday! Hopefully that'll help you get through.**

**If there are any silly mistakes, it's my fault-I'm totally out of it this week. I had no idea that being pregnant meant that I'd have such terrible congestion I can't breathe at all, and that definitely hurts my sleeping time. If any of you have any tips, please, share!**

**I don't own Twilight, shockingly.**

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_Edward_

I showed up at Bella's house and found her immersed in Charlotte's script. She was halfway through already, so she pointed at the discarded pages and told to start reading. I'd never seen a script before, but it was easy to follow once I got the hang of it.

The way Charlotte described the scenes and characters made it really visceral, and I was sucked into the story immediately. I could practically see Pittsburgh, even though I'd never been there. It wasn't until I read that "Shiri" was making out with one guy that I put two and two together. Bella would have to kiss some other guy.

I tried not to think about it as I continued to read, but when I got to the part where "Magdi" walked in on "Shiri" having sex, I saw red. I glanced up to see Bella setting the script down with a smile on her face. I'd been in hell for twenty minutes, and she looked like she was taking a damn vacation. Or possibly napping after an orgasm. Was she really so eager to get away from me? Was she that desperate to kiss someone else? Did she actually care about me at all?

She finally felt the weight of my glare and looked at me curiously. "What?"

"What? _What_?" I repeated. God, I was beyond pissed. "Do you like the script?"

Bella sang its praises until I called it porn; I wasn't an idiot, I knew it was all fake, but a guy really would be on top of my girl, kissing and touching her. I felt myself getting more and more ludicrous, but I couldn't calm down. And I didn't want to. I hated putting her on the spot, and I wasn't trying to give her an ultimatum, but I didn't know what to do.

Bella got up at one point and disappeared down the hall. I debated going after her or just leaving, but then Jas came out to talk to me.

"What's going on, man?" he asked casually, his eyes taking in my red face and the scattered pages of the script.

"Nothing," I responded, hoping he'd leave me alone.

"Seriously," he prodded. After a moment of hesitation, I admitted I was upset over the script.

"I don't know why I'm pushing this so hard," I pointed out. "She'll only break up with me faster now."

"You think Bella will break up with you over this?"

"Probably. Either now or when she actually leaves," I said sorrowfully.

"She's coming back," Jas stated.

"Do you honestly think a farm boy will be enough for her after she starts traveling and promoting and meeting all kinds of new guys?" I asked, revealing only the tip of the iceberg of insecurity I was drifting on.

"I don't know," Jas said reluctantly. "But you should take a risk so you can find out."

Little did he know I was already gambling everything I had, even though I was dealt a losing hand. I thanked him for talking to me and saw myself out. Mom was in a mood when I got home, and it appeared that Dad and Ali both were avoiding her.

Apparently, Renee rudely turned down Mom's invitation to Thanksgiving dinner, so she was taking it out on everyone else. Her maternal instincts were still strong though, and she knew something was wrong immediately.

"Honey? You okay?" she asked softly as she organized ingredients for the sweet potato casserole she was about to make. I stayed silent for several seconds before blurting out an abbreviated version of what happened. She seemed sympathetic, and sat down beside me at the table.

"Edward," she began. "You're young. You've literally got your whole life ahead of you. I don't want you to get caught up in something now that you'll regret."

I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up her hand to stop me.

"But, at the same time, I know you're not flighty or impulsive, so I knew you really care for Bella. You've got to choose what to do with that. You can cut your ties now, or you can try to deal with her career, and choose to be with her."

I wanted to be with her so badly, but I still feared that when the time came, she wouldn't choose me. I was going to have to grow a thick skin and try not to let her know how freaked out I was. I would have to stand by her until she left me.

I just hoped there would still be something of me left in the end.

xXx

There was tension in the air on Thanksgiving, but I wasn't sure why. Dad wasn't saying much, Mom barely looked at anyone, and Alice kept trying to secretly text at the dinner table. I focused on eating and then moving to the living room so I could watch the game. I sent Bella a couple of texts, but when she didn't respond, I assumed she was busy with her own family.

I hoped they were having a more successful day than we were.

Bella finally called a little after halftime. She told me about talking to a guy she knew back in Hollywood, and the guilt she felt over her missing friend. I tried to assure her that she couldn't have done anything for Victoria, and that she shouldn't beat herself up, but she wouldn't listen.

After asking me about the ranch, we got into yet another argument.

She kept trying to tell me about how much money she had, and how she could just fund the rest of my life, and I couldn't take it. Talking to her about a future that wasn't going to happen was getting too painful, and knowing that she was fine with me being some freeloader just felt insulting.

"I'm not using your money, Isabella, so just drop it!" I felt too much like my father as I made that statement, and it scared me.

"But…if we get married, it'll be _our_ money. Right?" she countered. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. The fact that she thought that was a possibility was laughable.

"You worked for that money," I hedged, hoping she would back off. "I should be the one…I would provide for us, if it came to that."

After she shouted at me, calling and my family old fashioned, I wanted to strangle her. She knew next to nothing about my parents, yet she made all kinds of assumptions about them.

"My mom doesn't work because she got pregnant with twins when she was eighteen and never got to go to school!" I shouted, throwing the pillow from my bed against the wall. There was a weird kind of fury building up inside of me that I needed to let out. "And maybe that's _old fashioned_, but it's just life."

That temporarily took the wind out of Bella's sails, but she was right back at it a moment later. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and realized Alice was standing at the door, listening. I hadn't even heard her come in. She looked worried, but I just shook my head.

Then Bella demanded to know if I thought we were going to be together in the future, and I didn't know how to respond. I wanted to lie and tell her we would be together. I wanted to pretend with her, but I couldn't make the words come out. I thought about just telling her point blank that I knew we wouldn't make it, but that didn't feel right to say either. I eventually got her to admit that we were too young to talk about it, and left it at that.

I walked to my bedroom window and saw a soft blanket of white beginning to cover the ground. "It's snowing."

I could hear the reverence in Bella's voice as she looked at it. "Wow," she said.

I felt my eyes sting, and I shut them, trying not to cry. "Bella," I whispered. "I love you."

"I love you," she responded, but her voice was a little wrong. She sounded…afraid. She moved the conversation back to the ranch, and I cleared my throat, trying to get the lump out of it so I could speak normally. I couldn't stop yawning, but after we said goodnight, Alice came back into the room to talk to me.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she crawled up beside of me where I was laying. She sat one of my pillows in her lap and focused her silver eyes on my face. Like a pussy, a tear slipped down my temple as I tried not to look at her.

"Shit," I said, my voice sounded thick with tears. "I don't know how we'll make it."

She looked surprised by my admission, but she didn't argue. She nodded in understanding and stayed quiet for several seconds.

"I feel that way, too, you know," she said with a tiny, sad smile on her face. "About me and Jas. Once he graduates, he'll be gone, most likely. I have no doubt that he'll forget about the little girl in Montana."

Hearing her words made a few more tears spring to my eyes, and I wiped them away roughly. "You're more than that, though, Ali. Jas is an idiot if he doesn't see it."

"And Bella's an idiot if she thinks she'll find someone better than you out there," she replied, her eyes still serious. "But they're not like us. And I don't know what they'd choose."

"Am I just overreacting?" I finally asked her after I let her words sink in.

"No. You're just letting yourself actually feel."

I looked at my twin and wondered why we were both so damn morose, on Thanksgiving of all days, but I couldn't quite pull myself out of it.

"Why don't we go to the living room and watch a movie or something until we fall asleep?" she suggested. I nodded and peeled myself off the bed. I rubbed at my eyes once more before following her back down the hallway. I was surprised, but relieved, so see my parents cuddled up together, watching _A Christmas Story_.

Alice and I joined them, and I tried to tell myself I could get through the next two months, just pretending.


	29. Chapter 29

**Sorry for the late update, guys. I've been really sick these past few days, and couldn't update yesterday. I didn't get to do review replies this time, either - sorry! I will still update Friday as usual. Back to Bella POV. Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

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I woke up like a kid on Christmas morning the day after Thanksgiving. My eyes immediately flitted over to my window and spotted exceptional brightness. I jumped up and let my eyes feast on the several inches of snow covering the ground. While I had seen snow before, usually on some kind of vacation, I'd never actually lived where it was a regular occurrence. A glance at the clock showed me it was barely eight o'clock, but I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

My mother was genuinely surprised when she saw me walk into the kitchen, but once she saw my giddy expression, she knew what to attribute it to. I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the table with her, both of us staring through the French doors at the expanse of the property.

"I have a ruler over there…do you want to measure the snow?" Mom asked, her eyes lighting up similarly to mine.

"I'm not a kid," I snorted before turning a speculative eye on her. "Come on!"

We both jumped up and giggled, and she retrieved the small metal ruler from under the sink. We opened one of the doors and shivered. Mom handed me the ruler and I did the honors. We both squinted to read the line marking before exclaiming.

"Six inches! Oh, my goodness," Mom said. "We could make a snowman!"

"You think?" I asked, unsure how much snow was needed for something like that.

"Definitely," she breathed. We both watched as another dusting of snow started coming down from the still cloudy sky. We enjoyed the peaceful silence before we were too cold.

"Edward's coming over later. He said he'd play in the snow with me," I told her.

"Is Alice coming, too?"

"Um, I don't know. Maybe," I said with a shrug. I hadn't given it much thought. I almost felt guilty when I thought of how little time I spent with Alice, even though she'd befriended me first. I knew she and Jas were happy, but that didn't excuse me from practically ignoring her for the past month.

"Maybe I can talk your dad into going out with us," she said, the small smile on her face making her look younger. My feelings towards her always wavered between loving condescension, deep appreciation, and old resentment. I tried to remind myself that parents were humans too, and that they made mistakes like everyone else, but it was hard to remember that sometimes.

"Good idea," I told her. The two of us ate cereal before Dad and Jas finally wandered down the hall. Jas looked like death warmed over, and I watched as his sleepy eyes blinked repeatedly, trying to take in the winter wonderland outside. His face went from blank to surprised to thrilled in a matter of seconds.

After a few hours of delighted speculation, Edward and Alice finally trudged up the driveway in Carlisle's truck. They'd thoughtfully brought some extra outerwear for Jas and I, figuring that we wouldn't have the appropriate stuff. They were right. Neither Jas nor I had thought that we would need water resistant gloves and coats, and the fact that I put canvas tennis shoes on made Edward laugh.

After we were all sufficiently bundled, we headed out. Mom and Dad joined us for a while, attempting to make a snowman that didn't look pitiful. Once I got used to the texture and the way the snow packed, I was able to help them create what I thought was a masterpiece. Once we stood back and looked proudly on, Mom announced that she was cold and ready to go inside.

Jas and Alice disappeared, and each step I took away from the house made me paranoid that I was going to find them naked and panting somewhere in the snow.

Edward's gloved hand wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me into his puffy side. I felt like a marshmallow, and while Edward was bundled up, his height made him look much less bulky. I could barely walk or move my arms. I had a knit beanie pulled snugly over my ears and three pairs of socks on. A matching hat pressed Edward's hair down over his forehead and caused it to curl around the corners of his eyes.

"Bell," he said quietly, not wanting to disturb the hushed atmosphere around us. "I love you."

"I love you," I said simply as I turned to look up at him. I grabbed his hand as it draped over my arm, and just as I stretched up to kiss him, he pulled us both back onto the wet snow.

My eyes flew open in shock at first, but then I started laughing. His eyes were crinkled from his wide smile, and I rolled on top of him and pretended to scold him. Our laughter shook in the trees around us, and as I laid there, looking down at his flushed skin and watery eyes, I couldn't imagine a more perfect moment.

"I love you," I repeated, the emotion coursing through evident in my words.

"I love you," Edward responded, our words creating a silent promise. I knew that despite the arguments we'd had that week, despite the uncertainty of our future, and despite how different we were, that we would figure out to make it. I pulled off a glove to touch my warm finger to his nose before tracing around his lips.

He kissed the tip of my index finger before pulling me closer to him. Our lips reacquainted themselves and we formed our own heat. I hated the thick layers that were separating us, so I unzipped both of our coats. We both still had a couple of shirts on a piece, but the nearness felt better. My hands roamed and touched and enjoyed, and Edward's fingertips freed themselves of his gloves before tentatively stroking the skin of my lower back.

"Are my hands too cold?" he asked against my mouth. I shook my head and encouraged him to keep exploring. My beanie somehow got pushed off of my head and my hair fell against Edward's face, tickling and teasing and interfering. Edward's hands managed to find enough slack in my pants to ease down the back of them, and his fingers on the swell of my ass caused me to grind against him.

We weren't getting anywhere with our movements, however, and I was growing increasingly frustrated. I eventually pulled back, panting, and rose up on all fours over him. Edward's lips were bright red and his cheeks and nose looked like he'd been stamped with red.

"I love you," he said for the third time, and I just smiled. He pulled me back down against his chest, his arms and legs wrapping tightly around me. "God, I want to figure out to pull you inside of me. Under my skin."

I knew exactly what he meant, like no matter how close we got, it wasn't close enough. I wished I could press him into my pores, but it was impossible. We eventually stood up and brushed our clothes off. Once our body temperatures started to decrease again, we realized just how cold it was outside.

Something hit me in the side of the head, hard and wet and freezing, and I turned to see Jas and Alice poised for a snowball fit. Edward and I tried our best to take them on, but there was nowhere to hide, and they'd built up quite a reserve. After surrendering, we all went inside and found that Mom was making a giant pot of hot chocolate on the stove. Everything felt homey and cozy and small town-ish and I loved it. I could almost pretend my life had always been like this.

As I sat drinking the rich, warm liquid, my phone rang, and I was brought back to my reality.

"Isabella? It's Charlotte! How are you, sweets?" Charlotte's voice asked. I could hear a child babbling in the background.

"I'm good. Just enjoying the snow. How are you?" I asked politely. I mouthed the name "Charlotte" to everyone at the table, and they all nodded knowingly.

"Oh, trying to recover. My sister dragged me out at four this morning to go stand in line before stores opened. I'm contemplating putting gum in her hair as revenge," she lamented. "But, anyway, I wanted to go over a few things with you, if you have the time?"

"Sure, go ahead." I took another sip of my hot chocolate as I waited.

"Well, I know I said this before, but I'm so glad that you're taking the role! I thought of you often when I was writing the script, and I knew that I wanted you to play Shiri no matter what. I really think we connected when we were working on _Blacklisted_, didn't you?"

I racked my brain for our interactions during filming. Charlotte had a supporting role in _Blacklisted_ and we shot several scenes together, but I didn't remember conversing with her very often.

"Uh, yeah, definitely," I lied. I saw Edward snicker, no doubt seeing right through me. I shot him a warning glance.

"And I think that you'll be perfect. What I'd like to do is plan for you to come out to Colorado over Christmas—you _are_ in Montana, right?" she asked.

"Yep."

"Great. I'll be in Colorado over the holidays, so if you want to fly in, we can go over the characters a little more in depth, run through lines, do some fittings, whatever. Makenna might be able to make it, too, and I would love for you guys to get some time in to just kind of bond before we get into rehearsals and filming," she rattled off. The child in the background screamed and I heard Charlotte try to soothe him or her.

"What do you think? Production dates are set for January third through the twenty-ninth, but you'll wrap earlier than that," she explained.

"Um, go to Colorado in December?" I asked, looking at my mom. "For how long?"

"Oh, just a few days. I just want to have a chance to really delve into the characters, and since none of us live in L.A., this might be the only chance we get before Pennsylvania."

"Okay, so stay a few days and go over the script and everything?" I asked again, waiting for Mom's response. She nodded her head. "Yeah, Charlotte, we can make it work. I get out of school on the nineteenth, I think."

"Do you want to plan on coming for the twentieth through the twenty-third? Or after Christmas?"

"Before or after Christmas?" I asked Mom. She thought for a split second before mouthing "before."

"Before sounds good," I told her.

"Great! I have some things I'm going to send you, so I'll include the nearest airport and all of that good stuff in the email, okay, Isabella? Do you have any questions?"

"Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks, Charlotte," I said.

"Thank you! I'll talk to you soon," she responded just before I heard a click. I set the phone down on the table and relayed the conversation to everyone.

"Well, that'll be nice to have a little trip before Christmas, hon," Mom said as she took her mug to the sink and rinsed it out.

I tugged on a strand of hair that was waving across my cheek before looking at Edward. "Do you think, in any universe, your parents would let you come to Colorado with me?"

Edward's eyebrows shot up his forehead before he started scratching his chin.

"I seriously doubt it. I'd love to, but I don't think Mom would let me," he said, looking at Alice. She grimaced, showing her doubt as well.

"What if I talked to her?" Mom asked as she sat back down. "I'll be there. It's not like you wouldn't be chaperoned. And it'll be short trip. I'll talk to her."

Mom's voice sounded so assured that I began to imagine there was no way Edward wouldn't be able to go. I still wished that a miracle would occur and he could go to Pennsylvania with me, but I could accept him going to Colorado instead.

After settling in on the couch, curled up under a blanket, Edward leaned in to whisper to me.

"Bella, I've never flown before."

I stayed still for a second, replaying his words in my head to make sure I didn't hear incorrectly.

"Are you serious?" I asked him. He nodded. "Are you afraid?"

"I don't know. Should I be? I'm freaked out, I think," he admitted. "But I really want to be able to go with you."

"I'll hold your hand," I said confidently. "Or I'll get Mom to find a Valium for you to take, or something."

Edward laughed at my comment and entwined his fingers with mine. I brushed the hair out of his eyes and smiled.

"Your hair is getting really shaggy," I told him. It was long, but so thick it was almost unmovable. He had easily three times the amount of hair I did, and so many cowlicks it wouldn't lay down at all.

"I usually keep it longer in the winter," he stated. "You know, for warmth. Do you not like it?"

I leaned back to get a good look at him. In reality, he looked unbelievably hot with his hair looking all crazy, but he looked good with it short, too.

"Mmm, I like it any way you wear it," I told him before leaning in to steal a kiss. His rough hands gripped my back instantly, flattening my chest into his, and deepening the kiss. His tongue tasted like chocolate and Edward, and I tried to somehow maneuver it further into my mouth.

"Did you guys forget you weren't alone?" I heard Jas ask. I pulled back to see he and Alice sitting together in the recliner. Alice's eyes were widened like an owl's and Jas had a lazy smirk on his face.

"Oh, like you two haven't done much worse when I was right next door," I taunted. Edward looked incredibly uncomfortable and Alice blushed crimson. "Did you think I actually wanted to listen to screamo every afternoon?"

Alice was instantly contrite as Jas tried to convince her that I was just giving them a hard time. Edward was still stiff and awkward at my side, his face turned towards me and refusing to glance back at his sister. I eventually pulled him up from the couch and went to my bedroom. I shoved him down on the bed and watched as he visibly relaxed.

"What's wrong? You started acting all weird in there," I commented as I crawled up next to him. The stubble on his chin was terribly distracting, and I wanted to run my tongue over it.

"I just don't like thinking about my sister having sex, let alone sitting in the room with her and the guy that deflowered her," he said quickly.

"Alice was a virgin?" I asked in surprise. Edward nodded. "Huh. I had no idea. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"Does Jas know we're not having sex?" he asked as his eyes closed. I ran my fingertips over his enticing jaw and he let out a little sigh of contentment.

"I haven't told him one way or the other."

"Yeah, Alice doesn't know, either," he said.

"I'm sure they think we are," I told him.

"You think?"

"Probably."

"Do you care?"

"Not at all," I said honestly. "You?"

"Guess not." Edward's eyes stayed closed and I sat back up. I ran my hands down his neck and shoulders before going back up to his hair.

"God, you're so fucking gorgeous," I said. "I can't believe you're mine."

"I feel the same way about you," he said, his hand grasping mine and pulling me on top of him. Just as I started to kiss him, there was a knock at my door.

"Come in," I said after rolling off of Edward. Mom looked at us with a stern expression.

"You know you're supposed to have this door open, and your father wouldn't have knocked," she pointed out. I shrugged. "Anyway, Edward, I called your mom, and she said you could go to Colorado with us."

"Are you serious? How'd you swing that, Renee?" he asked excitedly. The way he said my mom's name so familiarly made me feel weird. I definitely didn't feel that at ease with Esme or Carlisle.

"I have my ways. It is contingent on your grades, though, but she'll tell you about that," Mom said before walking back out into the hall, leaving the door open behind her.

"Awesome," he breathed.

"I really hope you're not just using me to get to my mom," I said nonchalantly. "I don't think she'd leave my dad for you."

Edward's eyes shot to my face in worry for a second before he burst out laughing. "Wow, I thought you were serious! Oh, God, no…I mean, she's pretty and all, but…no."

I smiled and tucked myself under his arm. He smelled so good, and I was still sexually frustrated from dry humping in the snow. His hair and stubble weren't helping matters, and I knew it would be a long night. There was no way I was going to try anything with my parents under the roof; our one foray under the blanket in the family room had been enough.

I settled for listening to Edward's heartbeat under my ear as I held him close to me, reveling in the great day we'd had. I hoped to have so many of them I lost count.

"You know, a lot of actors have to work really hard to get a body like you," I told him as I ran my fingers over the ripples of his abs. Even without flexing, I could count each muscle of his six-pack.

"I do work hard for them," he pointed out. "I've been working at it for about…four years now, year round, morning and night. Those pussies should just work on a ranch for a little while."

I couldn't help but laugh at hearing him call Hollywood actors "pussies."

"Just because they don't lift four hundred pound bales of hay doesn't mean they're pussies," I said. "Do you think Jas is a pussy?"

He was silent for a little too long. "Jas is artistic. That's different."

"Oh, my God, I'm so telling Jas you think he's a pansy ass!" I teased as I pretended to get up. "Maybe you can have an arm wrestling contest, or something, just to prove it."

"Shh, Bella! I don't think Jas is a pansy ass, and he'd probably kick the shit out of me if he heard you saying that," he said with genuine worry in his eye. "I don't care how 'artistic' he is, he's still your older brother. That means I don't mess with him, no matter what. It's a rule."

"Oh, okay. My lips are sealed, then," I told him as I pretended to zip my lips. I propped myself up on my elbow and ran my hand through Edward's hair once more as I stared at him. "You look a lot older right now."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah. You've got a serious five o'clock shadow going on, and I think you look older with your hair like this. And you've got…well…wrinkles around your eyes," I told him, leaning closer to peer at his skin.

"Wrinkles?" he asked exasperatedly.

"Well, I don't know what to call them. Eye crinkles?" I offered.

"I guess. It's from squinting in the sun so much," he told me. "And the facial hair is genetic. Well, on my mom's side—you should my grandpa, he has this huge ZZ Top beard, and has for years."

"Maybe I'll meet them," I said, looking down at his chest shyly.

"I'd love for you to. They usually come stay with us for Christmas. My dad's dad will come in for New Years. What about you? Any grandparents coming to visit?" he asked.

"Nope. The only grandparents I have that are still alive are my real dad's parents, and I haven't seen them in a long time. Mom kept up with them for a while, but over the years, we just drifted apart. They have other grandkids to keep them busy," I informed him.

"So you have cousins you don't see?"

"Yeah. I think, like…four or five. Some are around my age," I said.

"We're kinda like that, too. We don't really see much of the extended family."

I kept running my fingers through his thick hair, examining the colors that swirled through. Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me down on top of him. His face was situated against my chest and I could feel his warm breath in my cleavage. His hand ran around my back and to my side, tracing over the small ridges and bumps my recent weight gain had caused.

There were moments when I knew that it wasn't all a fluke. I knew the last two months wasn't just a perchance meeting, or the tingling of new love that would fade with winter. Sometimes I saw what could possibly be for Edward and I, and I was scared shitless, and I was so damn impatient, and I found myself wishing for time to both stop and speed the fuck up.

This moment was one of those. As Edward breathed against my skin and stroked along the curves of my body, as I clenched my fists in his hair, as I felt something more than just arousal at his touch, I knew. Whatever it was we were diving into, the love we claimed we had, it was deeper than I'd ever thought possible. There were things I couldn't understand or articulate, but that didn't make them less real. I felt so much, just there in my hands. Between my hands. It was everything.

"I wish your mom liked me more," I admitted as he held me close.

"I wish your dad didn't look at me like I'm the devil," he responded, his voice muffled by my chest.

"You know, it's probably instances like this that makes him look at you that way," I said. Edward froze, seeming to take stock of the situation. We were lying on my bed, legs entwined, Edward's hands up the back of my shirt, and my breasts practically smothering him. He turned me over on my side and put a respectable amount of space between us. Only his hand hovered close to me.

"Wow. You're right. I'm totally one of those evil teenage boys that only think about sex, aren't I?" he asked in a joking tone, but I saw the true concern in his eyes. I was surprised; he had to know I never thought of his that way, didn't he?

"Babe, you are so far from that it's not even funny," I told him honestly. "You're obviously not just in this for sex, otherwise you would've given up already. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to…you know, show how much you love someone."

"We've both had meaningless sex," he stated softly. "I don't want that anymore. I don't want that ever again."

"Neither do I," I said as I gripped his hand in mine. "And we don't have to worry about it. We've got each other."

He said nothing, but the look on his face let me know he was thinking along the same lines I was.

"So, tell me, what can I do to get on your mother's good side?" I asked.

"You don't need to do anything, she's just going to have to get over it," he told me.

"Get over what?"

"She's just…I don't know. For one thing, she wants Alice and I both to go to school and wait to get married and settle down, so I don't think she's wild about either of us dating anyone seriously yet," he began.

"She doesn't seem to have as much of a problem with Jas, though," I pointed out.

"I know," he sighed. "Okay, I haven't asked her about it, but this is what I've figured out so far. From what I've heard, Mom wasn't exactly popular or anything in high school. She was sort of geeky and a late bloomer and all that, and she was made fun of a lot. She met my dad right after she graduated, and they started dating. It was huge, because my dad was sort of…big man on campus or whatever when he was in school. He graduated four years before Mom."

"Okay…" I said, trailing off.

"All the girls in town were pissed and then Mom got pregnant. She didn't go to college, and even though she got the guy, in the end, she was teased about it mercilessly. It's a small town, and the 90s here were like the 50s anywhere else. So, she got called a lot of names and shit, but she and Dad got married, and they're happy."

"So," I started, "why doesn't she like me?"

"What kind of girl would most people assume you are? The kind that mocks everyone else, or the kind that gets mocked?"

"I don't know, I guess people who didn't know me would think I was the one doing the mocking," I said. "But that's not true, you know how it's been for me! I've been ridiculed constantly. Rose is the bitchy one, not me!"

"I know that, and I'm pretty sure my mom's figuring that out, but I think she's just disliked 'your type of girl' for a long time. She'll get over it, like I said. Rose had her fooled, and you beating her up didn't help your case. Obviously she's coming around, though, since she's letting me go to Colorado with you," he countered.

I thought through everything Edward told me, and I understood. While I wanted to laugh it off and say Esme was pathetic for letting old demons from high school get to her like that, I couldn't. I knew that the things I'd gone through would probably haunt me for a long time, as well. I could definitely empathize with her.

"It'll be fine," he said once more. He raised his head to look at the clock before flopping back down on the bed. "Alice and I need to go soon."

I nodded and leaned in to kiss him. I immediately opened my mouth and our tongues tangled languidly. Just as I pressed a little closer to him, feeling his teeth against my bottom lip, a loud thump ran out from the doorway.

I heard the telltale mutterings of my father, and knew that he'd caught us in the middle of a pretty heated kiss.

"Of course, he had to walk by now," I said in frustration. Edward's eyes flickered to the empty doorway and back to me before he cursed under his breath.

"I guess I'll be leaving now," Edward said loudly. I rolled my eyes at him before smiling widely and trying to grab him as he stood up.

"But I want my goodbye kiss!" I shouted as I leapt from the bed onto his back. Fortunately for me, the guy was strong and had quick reflexes, otherwise we would've both ended up on the floor. Instead, he staggered and grabbed the edge of my desk to steady himself. I refused to let go of the chokehold I had around his neck, so he walked down the hallway with me clinging to his back like a monkey.

"Alice, let's go," Edward said in a booming voice once we approached the family room. I could tell by the way his eyes stayed forward that he was afraid he'd see Alice and Jas in some kind of compromising position.

"I hear you're going to Colorado, little brother," Alice said as she stood up. Edward sneered at her, hating to be reminded that Alice was born four minutes before he was.

"Did Renee tell you?" he asked.

"No, Mom texted me about it," she stated before turning to give Jas a hug around his waist.

"She's so gossipy for a parent, don't you think?" he asked to no one in particular.

"I don't think you ever grow out of it, parent or not," I said as I kissed his cheek and hopped down from his back.

"Hey, why don't you come over tomorrow?" He reached forward and snatched the hem of my shirt in his hands to pull me closer.

"Mm, sure. Just let me know what time," I told him. I gave him one last kiss and he and Alice headed out the door. I saw there was even more snow on the ground, and hoped they were careful driving home.

Once they were gone, I turned to Jas, and he and I wore matching, dopey smiles.

"Ugh, God, we're sickening," I joked as I headed back toward my room.

"I know, it's disgusting," he replied in a cheerful tone. He gave me a small wave before sitting back down on the couch. "Nighty-night!"

I chuckled as I settled back down on my bed. I could smell Edward on my pillow and I knew it wouldn't be long before I'd have all of him. He seemed to get sexier by the day without even trying.


	30. Chapter 30

**Hey, guys! Hope you had a good week. I'll be curious to see how you guys like this chapter-it doesn't propel the plot forward that much, but I think it's an important chapter, nonetheless. Thanks for reading!**

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The weekend was both too long and too short; I was so anxious for the next three weeks to pass I couldn't stand it, but I wanted to enjoy the time with Edward. His mother surprised me further by being exceptionally friendly to me when I went to their house on Saturday. She actually seemed excited for Edward to take the trip with Mom and I, and she asked all about the new film I was going to be in.

Her only stipulation was that Edward maintained at least a B average in his classes through the end of term. I knew it wouldn't be difficult, considering school seemed to come naturally to him. He was a much better student than I without even trying. I couldn't get over the fact that he got up early some mornings to work on the ranch before going to school, and worked more once he got home. He always got his homework done, he never fell asleep talking to me on the phone, and he never complained.

I thought maybe growing up in Montana instilled some kind of superhuman work ethic in people, and that those of us in other cities were just lazy asses.

I stood peering at myself in the bathroom mirror Monday before school, examining the ghastly roots I'd allowed to grow out since leaving LA. My naturally drab, mousey brown hair was showing, and I knew I needed to get it done before going to see Charlotte. I also needed to start a diet. I made a mental note to find out what salons were supposed to be good that weren't too far away, and hoped I could talk Mom into taking a pit stop in Denver to shop when we traveled.

Charlotte emailed me a bunch of notes she'd made on the script, along with a few small storyboards and characterization diagrams. She insisted that we stay at her house for the two nights we'd be there, and said there was more than enough room for Edward, too.

I tried to make a concerted effort to talk to Alice more, and try to break free of my Edward bubble at lunch. I really liked Alice, even if I questioned how genuine she was when she first met me. While I may have doubted her sincerity to begin with, I knew that she cared deeply for Jas. The way she watched him when he spoke, touched him any chance she got, and confided in him was plenty evidence. Jas looked at her like she had the answers to life's questions in her eyes, and I never got the feeling she was using him for anything.

I wanted to find out what his plans were for after graduation, but wasn't sure if I should bring it up in front of Alice, so I bit my tongue. I had no idea if he still wanted to head back out to Cali for school, or if he'd had a change of heart. I decided to stick to a safer subject.

"So, Alice, I need to get my hair done—highlighted—before I go to Colorado. I know that you usually do everyone's haircuts, but do you know a salon I can to for color?" I questioned as I picked at the meager lunch I'd packed for myself. The turkey and cheese sandwich wasn't particularly appealing, but I gave it a shot.

"Hmm. Well…I've never gotten my hair colored or anything, so I'm not sure. Um, there's a place downtown, but it's more for the…blue-haired variety," she answered sheepishly.

"Do you know where Rose gets her hair done?" I asked. Edward looked at me in surprise, but I just shrugged. "It's obvious she gets it highlighted, and it looks good. I can admit that."

Alice laughed before responding. "It does look good, but she and her mom have a lady that travels here to do their hair. It's the same woman who did Rose's mom's hair in her pageant days. And I'm _sure_ Rose would _love_ to give you her info."

I narrowed my eyes at Alice's sarcastic tone. "Well," I said with a sigh. "Do you think you could color it? I'll just do it one color. I can't go with it looking like this."

I pointed at my scalp with a disgusted look on my face. Alice nodded along, looking very serious, but both Jas and Edward appeared to be studying my hair. Edward looked at Jas and they both rolled their eyes.

"Oh, Jas, don't even try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about," I said patronizingly. "Alice, don't tell me he led you to believe this surfer-boy look is natural."

I saw Alice's eyes dart over to Jas before she stood from her seat. Jas always work his hair artfully rumpled, with waves and bed head and haphazard parts. His height also afforded him the ability to never have anyone look at the top of his head. Alice's small fingers parted Jas' hair before she gasped.

"Jasper Hale! You little sneak! I didn't know this wasn't natural," she cried, an astonished smile breaking across her face. "What are you going to do?"

Jas glared at me before nudging Alice to sit back down. A few people at the surrounding tables were watching curiously. I reached over to ruffle his hair back into its disheveled place, but he swatted my hand away.

"I don't know. It's not a big deal," he began, but I interrupted him with a snort. "What?"

"Jas, you used to get your hair done, like, every six weeks," I said with a smirk. "Listen, we all love you, you can be honest about this. You've already gone—"

"Eleven weeks, okay? It's been eleven weeks, and, okay, yeah, I worried about it, but I figured I could just…I don't know, let it grow out? I don't really need California hair here, do I?" he asked in a frustrated voice. I could tell he was mad I brought it up, but he was more upset that he was actually worried over it.

"No, you don't. But, you don't want that awful half grown out look either," Alice said with a delicate shudder. "I love you just the way you are, but it'll be a process to get all that color grown out, and if you're going to Nashville in the spring, you won't be ready."

"Yeah, it'll—" I started before snapping my mouth shut again. I felt my brows furrow as I tried to go back over the words that came out of Alice's mouth. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"He'll probably have meetings in Nashville before it's all grown out. I think we should cut it short, and it can grow out from there," Alice said, her eyes turning back to Jas's almost shoulder length hair. His eyes widened at the words "cut it short."

"Nashville? Jas?" I asked, wondering why neither of them was responding to what I was actually asking. I looked at Edward, and his expression was just as confused as mine.

"Yeah…" he trailed off. I saw his navy eyes glance at Alice once before moving to look out the large windows across the cafeteria. A surreptitious look at Alice showed that she looked quite guilty all of a sudden. I was sure she didn't know that Jas hadn't told me about his plans. "Um…I'm going to give the music thing a shot."

"So, you're not going to college?" I implored.

"Not anytime soon," he hedged. "I'm going to send out some demos and hopefully get some meetings in the spring and summer. If it goes well, I'll be moving down there."

"Do Mom and Dad know?"

"I've mentioned it to them. I don't know if they know I'm serious about it, but, I did tell them."

"Are you going to do country music?" I asked, perplexed that he was choosing to go to Nashville instead of L.A. or even Seattle.

"No, more like alt-rock. Like Ryan Adams," he offered.

"Ryan Adams—he married Mandy Moore! He's not a real musician, he's a fucking hack," I argued. I was getting upset, but it had absolutely nothing to do with Ryan-fucking-Adams.

"Says the girl who did a _Neutrogena_ commercial," Jas replied smartly. It stung a little to hear my own brother talk about what a sell out I was. I tried to hide the hurt from my face, but as I looked down at my food, Edward saw it. He reached over and squeezed my knee comfortingly.

"Fine. Fine, Jas. Go do whatever you want to do, and you know, just send me a fucking postcard when you get there," I said, feeling a strange wetness building in the corners of my eyes. I couldn't believe my own brother, the guy that claimed to be my friend, had kept something that big from me. "Don't worry about coming to Pennsylvania with me. It sounds like you've got enough going on already."

I gathered the remnants of my sandwich and shoved them into my lunchbox. I heard Jas say my name, but I couldn't sit there any longer. I knew I was going to cry, and I didn't want him to see it. I stood up and moved quickly across the cafeteria, pushing open the double doors leading to the outside with force. There was still a lot of snow on the ground, and my suede boots crunched jarringly with each step I took. My coat was in my locker, and the chill in the air bit right through the sweater I was wearing.

I wiped at the hot tear trailing down my cheek with my free hand. I heard shoes smacking the snow behind me before I felt Edward's hand touch my back.

"Hey, babe," he said softly, pulling me to a stop. "Are you okay?"

I sniffed loudly and shut my eyes, trying to still the tears that kept trying to fall. I nodded.

"Are you upset that Jas is moving away?" he asked, his hands gripping my shoulders tightly. I nodded, then shook my head, then shrugged. "What is it, then?"

"I can't believe he didn't tell me anything," I said brokenly, my voice thick with my tears. "It…it really…hurt my feelings."

I felt about ten years old for crying over hurt feelings, but I couldn't stop. My chest burned and I felt sick to my stomach. Through everything, Jas was one of my closest confidantes. He always knew what I was up to, who I was hanging out with, and what I wanted to do with my life. He used to tell me everything about his own life, but now he had Alice and my parents were suddenly around and he didn't need me. Maybe our closeness was just a necessity; maybe our relationship would fall apart now that we were growing up.

"Babe," Edward whispered before pulling me into his chest. I wished he wouldn't touch me—his soothing arms only made me cry harder.

"I would n-never try to talk him out of going," I stuttered, my lips quivering against my words. "But I can't b-believe he d-didn't tell me."

"He didn't do it to hurt you," Edward tried to assure me. "But I'm sorry that it hurt you anyway."

My stomach muscles started fluttering uncontrollably against the sobs I was trying to hold back. My breath hitched several times, causing me to sound like I was hyperventilating or hiccupping. Edward pulled back in alarm.

"Babe?" he asked as he tried to look me in the eyes. I kept my head down and wiped at my eyes like a five year old. I heard more footsteps approach us slowly.

"Bell," I heard Jas ask. I didn't look at him, but I heard the surprise in his voice. "I'm really sorry." I saw his feet enter my line of vision, and I knew he was going to try to hug me. I flinched away from him.

"I don't want to do this here," I said. "We can talk later. I'm sorry I'm overreacting." I felt like an idiot for crying inconsolably over something so small, and my embarrassment wasn't helping.

The bell rang and I cringed. I didn't want to have to face anyone else. "I think I'm gonna call Mom to come get me."

Jas and Edward both fumbled over each other to offer to take me home. I shook my head. "No, you both should stay. I'll talk to you later."

Edward wrapped his arms around me once more before I left. I chanced a glance up at Jas to see his eyebrows pulled together in concern. It wasn't hard to see the repentance in his eyes, but it was mixed with exasperation. I was frustrated, too. I didn't know why I was reacting so strongly, and the tears still falling made it hard to breathe.

A pair of icy cold eyes caught mine, and I saw the smug smile on Rosalie's face as she passed by. She'd been silent in her disdain since the hair pulling incident, but I knew her ire hadn't dimmed. She may have stopped actively trying to ruin my already flimsy reputation, but I had no doubt that she metaphorically threw darts at my picture. _Maybe literally._

I extracted myself from Edward's grip and made my way to the nurse's office. My arms were wrapped around my torso as I tried to explain I needed to be excused from the rest of my classes. She was an older lady, clearly jaded by her job, and barely nodded in acknowledgment. She returned to the worn pages of the book in her hands, and I pulled my phone from my purse. I called both of my parents' cells, but neither picked up.

After waiting a few excruciating minutes, trying to imagine going back to class or trying to find Edward to drive me home, I sighed in defeat. I called the Cullen's landline and crossed my fingers.

"Hello?" Esme's voice answered.

"H-hi, Esme, it's Bella," I began, feeling nervous. I wiped away a few more tears that escaped and tried to sniff through my stuffy nose.

"Bella? Is everything okay? Where are you?" she questioned quickly.

"I'm at school. I can't get a hold of my parents, and I need to go home," I told her. My thick voice made me sound sick over the connection, and Esme agreed to pick me up.

I went by my locker and got my coat, along with some of my books, and made my way to the office. I handed them the slip the nurse hastily signed before I left her office, and waited outside for Esme. The cold air was soothing to my overheated face, and I started to calm down.

The old, white truck I'd become familiar with pulled up, and I ran to the passenger door. Esme's eyes darted around my face and limbs as I pulled myself up into the high cab.

"You sick, honey?" she asked in a maternal tone. I shook my head. "Have you been crying? Is everything okay with Edward?"

"Y-yeah," I hiccupped. "I got in a fight with Jas."

Esme put the truck in gear and pulled out, her face scrunching in confusion. "What happened?"

"It's really stupid. I don't even know why I'm so upset," I said, reluctant to continue with the story.

"It must not be that stupid," she pointed out.

"Alice said something at lunch about Jas going to Nashville, and I didn't know what they were talking about," I started. I saw the knowing look on Esme's face and felt my stomach drop once more. "You knew, too?"

"Well, Jasper talked about it, and so did Alice," she spoke hesitantly, waiting to see if I got upset again.

"Why did he tell everyone but me?" I asked her. I turned to look out the window, feeling way more heartbroken than I had a right to.

"I'm sure he was going to tell you soon."

"Yeah, right. He was just going to leave me here. He doesn't care about me," I said petulantly.

"Bella," Esme said in a chiding voice. "You know that's not true."

"It is true. He's got Alice. He and I used to be b-best friends, but he doesn't need me now," I countered. New tears made themselves known in my eyelashes, blurring my vision further.

"Alice couldn't replace you. You're his sister, that's different," she said. "Besides…did you ever think that maybe he feels the same way?"

My breath caught in my throat. "What do you mean?"

"Maybe he feels that way about you and Edward. Maybe he thinks you don't need him," she said more gently.

"I didn't mean for him to feel that way," I wailed, a new sob bubbling up in my throat. Esme looked panicked for a moment before trying to shush me soothingly. The last torturous fifteen minutes of our drive was spent in silence.

As we pulled down the long driveway, I saw my Mom's car parked by the house. I was angry she didn't answer when I called her, but glad she was there. Esme walked me inside, and Mom invited her to stay for a little while. I recounted the story one more time, my tears never fully vanishing. I kept coughing, my throat unsure how to deal with the influx of mucus. I hadn't cried like that in so long.

"I don't know why, but I can't stop crying," I said as I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue. I saw Esme stiffen at the table, her face going pale and her eyes watching me closely. I couldn't tell if she was frightened or angry, and I didn't know what I'd done. I stilled my own hand and watched her watch me. Mom turned her eyes to see what I was looking at, and we both waited for Esme to speak.

"Bella," she started before clearing her throat. "Bella…I have to ask…do you think it's possible that you're pregnant?"

Esme's voice cracked at the end of her question, and I could see the fear in her eyes. Mom's mouth dropped open and she turned to look at me accusatorily.

"Isabella Hale! Tell me you're not," she demanded. I knew she was just caught by surprise, but the disappointment seeping into her eyes made my already aching chest hurt more. She always thought the worst of me, and I hated it.

I cried harder for a few seconds, but knew I needed to set the record straight. I knew both of the women sitting at the table with me were probably going out of their minds waiting for me to answer.

"No, I'm not p-pregnant," I began. "Edward and I haven't done that."

Esme's face showed immediately relief, while my mother still looked skeptical.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to imply anything," Esme said. "I just remember crying for days straight sometimes when I was pregnant."

"Bella, are you sure?" Mom asked, her voice stern.

"I'm sure! And your confidence in me makes me feel loads better," I retorted. She sighed, obviously knowing where the argument would go.

"I have faith in you; this has just been a trying few months," she started before stopping to think for a moment. "Actually…I might know what's going on."

"What?" I asked with a sniffle. Esme looked at me compassionately, and I had a fleeting thought about much better of a mother she seemed to be than my own. The guilt that accompanied that thought made me tear up all over again.

"Hon, it's been about four months since your last Depo shot, right? Your hormones are probably just trying to regulate," she explained. Her words made sense. I remembered getting the shot at the end of July, and hadn't gone without one since I was fourteen. I'd learned enough about birth control to know that a change like that could cause everything to get out of whack.

"Oh, um, okay," I responded. "I feel pretty stupid."

Both Mom and Esme tried to reassure me that I wasn't an idiot, though I didn't believe them. I'd made a fool of myself at school, Edward was probably worried sick, and Jas was probably berating himself. I sighed heavily, and the two women just sat quietly, watching me.

"Well, I guess I'll get going," Esme said as she stood. "And knowing Edward, he'll probably come over here right after school to check on you, so I'll make sure Carlisle knows not to expect him."

"I'm sorry if I'm interfering with Edward's w-work around the ranch," I told her, my eyes lowered to watch my fingers tear at the soaked tissue in my hand. "And, thank you for letting him c-come with me to Colorado. And for picking me up."

I gave another violent sniff before walking over to her and giving her a hug. She seemed surprised by the gesture at first, but her arms fit themselves around me quickly. She felt totally different than my mom, but I liked it. She smelled like detergent and flowers and coffee; everything about her screamed "natural," and that was one of my favorite things about her. From the gray hair she let grow on her head, and the "Mom jeans" that sat high on her hips, I loved her.

"You're welcome, sweetie," she said sincerely. Her hand stroked the back of my head once before she pulled back. "And I hope to see you at our house sometime this week, alright? Our kitchen table is good for homework, too."

"Thanks, Esme," I whispered as she stepped back. She waved a small goodbye at my mother before walking through the door. I heard the loud truck start up, and I turned to head to my room.

"Isabella," my mom called as I strode passed her. "Why did you ask Esme to pick you up from school? Why didn't you call me?"

"I did. You didn't answer," I told her honestly. I caught the look on her face before she hid it from me. She was jealous. She was jealous of Esme, and a really cruel part of me was happy. I loved her, I truly did, but I had a hard time viewing her objectively. There was so much history between us and I couldn't let it go just yet.

"Oh. Well, I'm going to go write," she said as maneuvered around me in the hallway and went into her office. She shut the door behind her quietly, and I felt a bit of shame at the thoughts in my head, but they were just that: thoughts. I couldn't stop them, and I couldn't change reality, so they were all I had.

I walked into the family room instead of going to my bedroom, and flipped on the TV. I had a couple hours before Jas would get home, or Edward, if he showed up. I hopped up to grab my phone from the dining room, just in case he called. I saw he'd already sent me a text.

_I'm worried bout u. Can I come over after school?_

I smiled and responded with an emphatic "yes." I knew he and Jas both would probably kill me when I told them it was probably just a case of bad PMS, but I hoped they'd be relieved. I was still upset that Jas didn't tell me what he wanted to do next year, but I knew he hadn't done it on purpose. I overreacted, and even though it hurt, I knew it would be okay.

My sniffles wouldn't stop, but I was able to lighten up when I found a movie on TV to watch. Just seeing Chris Farley acting ridiculous in _Tommy Boy_ was enough to lift my spirits. By the time I heard the gravel crunching in the driveway, my tear ducts were back to normal.

I heard three voices speaking softly from the kitchen before Jas walked into the room alone. It was obvious he was designated to approach the scary, hysterical lady first. He sat down on the couch by my feet, his features relaxing a little when he saw I was no longer crying.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he began. "It wasn't intentional. I just wasn't sure how you'd react."

"It's okay, Jas. I flipped out, but apparently it's just a monster case of PMS," I tried to joke. I expected Jas to cringe like a typical boy, but he didn't. His eyes stayed trained on mine, the seriousness not lessening.

"I mean it. I didn't want to hurt you, but we just…don't talk that much," he said as he blew out a heavy breath. "We've both got our own thing going on, you know?"

"I do. I'm sorry if I haven't been…around enough. I meant what I said on Thanksgiving—I'm grateful that you stuck by me like you have. And I consider you a friend," I told him honestly, fighting to maintain eye contact. I wanted to look down or out the window or at the TV, but I knew I needed to communicate how serious I was.

"And you know I think of you the same way, right? I don't know why I didn't tell you sooner," he admitted.

"You couldn't have thought I wouldn't support you—I want you to be happy, and I'm going to miss you, but I didn't expect you to hang around here all next year," I told him.

"I know. I'm sorry I made you cry. I don't think I've ever felt like a bigger jerk—and I've never seen you cry that hard."

"I don't think I have cried that hard before," I said with a small laugh. "I felt sick to my stomach. Esme looked helpless trying to calm me down."

"Esme was here?" Jas asked, looking puzzled.

"She picked me up. I couldn't get a hold of Mom, and I still don't know where Dad is," I said.

"Can we come in?" Alice asked quietly from down the hall. I looked at Jas and nodded, but he leaned over to pull me up into a hug before answering her.

"Yeah, we're good," he called. Alice walked in, looking way more contrite than she needed to, and Edward trailed behind, his face a vision of distress.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Alice started, but I held up my hand to stop her.

"You didn't do a damn thing wrong, Alice. I freaked out, and I should apologize to you all," I said. Alice shook her head but didn't argue with me. She sat on the arm of the couch by Jas and looked down sadly at me.

"Babe," Edward whispered hurriedly as he sat next to me. He sat sideways, sliding his knee behind my back and wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. He kissed my temple sweetly, and I suddenly felt much better. "Are you okay?"

I nodded against him and closed my eyes. I felt the cushion next to me move and heard Alice and Jas shuffle back toward the kitchen. "I am now," I confessed against the skin of Edward's throat. He wrapped his right leg around mine, effectively cocooning me, and hummed against my hair.

"God, I hate seeing you cry," he said after a quiet moment. "I felt so helpless."

"I'm sorry," I whispered back to him.

"Don't apologize," he argued. "You couldn't help it."

"No, I guess not."

"I love you, so much." Edward's lips trailed across the side of my face, and with his right hand, he gently turned me towards him. He kissed my eyelids as they fluttered closed, and my nose and chin and jaw. He kissed my lips reverently, and I felt something more than just a teenage boy kissing his girlfriend. He had the depth of a man, the emotion and compassion of an adult; his fingers touched my hair and traced my features with maturity.

I sagged against him, allowing his body to mold mine. I let his muscles move mine. I let his chest rise and fall against mine, timing my breaths. And when he bent to nuzzle my ear, I shivered and chilled along with him. I knew we needed to talk a little more, but in that moment, I just wanted to stay as close to him as possible.

I let him stay wrapped around me and I grasped his face between my hands, sucking and licking and nipping and kissing his beautiful mouth, and I let us pretend to be older, to be surer, to be ready.


	31. Chapter 31

**Howdy! Just to let you guys know, because of the holiday, my posting schedule will be a little off. I'll post a new chapter Thursday, and then won't be posting again until Friday of next week. I think you guys can make it through, however!**

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_Edward_

The day after Thanksgiving was eventful. Bella and I managed to go the entire day without arguing, I didn't cry like a pansy when I thought about the future, or the film she was going to be in, and my mom said I could go to Colorado. I loved every second I spent with Bella, but it felt like, more and more, the sexual tension between was getting unbearable.

Having her against me, even with layers of clothes and big coats between us, was torture. Lying on her bed next to her was torture. Having her run her hands through my hair and across my jaw was torture. I was trying to hold on to her so tight, and experience everything I could while I had her, I was having a hard time stopping myself from doing more. Even knowing her parents were home didn't keep me from pulling her on top of me.

Even though I didn't want to leave Bella's house, I was dying to get home to talk to Mom. I still couldn't believe she agreed to let me go with Bella and Renee, and I couldn't wait to speak to her about it.

Mom was sitting at the kitchen table when we got there, so I immediately joined her.

"Hey," I said as I pulled my coat off. "Thanks for saying I could go to Colorado."

"That was pretty sneaky, having Renee call me like that," she said as she raised her eyebrow. I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.

"It was her idea to call you," I said hesitantly. She just nodded and sat quietly for a minute.

"So, you'll have to finish out the semester with your grades up, as usual. At least a B average," she mandated. I nodded along eagerly. "And…have fun. I've never been to Colorado."

My brow furrowed. I couldn't believe that was all she had to say about it.

"So…you're really okay with me going?" I asked, wanting to be positive that she wasn't going to harbor resentment toward me over it.

I watched as her hazel eyes flickered to mine, almost speculatively eyeing me. I didn't know if I measured up to whatever she was looking for.

"I realized that I can't hold on to you too tightly," she began, her eyes moving back to the table top. "If I try to hold you down, you'll pull away even harder. I don't want that to happen, so I know I need to…trust you…and give you some space."

She had no idea that while she was answering my question, she was also teaching me a life lesson. I began to wonder if all of my plans to squeeze Bella until she left were futile; I didn't know if I should be gripping so tightly, or giving her space and trying to trust her. I wanted to trust her, but fear made me do crazy things. Fear made me unable to see any positive outcome.

I looked back at Mom and studied the way she avoided looking at me again. There was something so sad about her, but I didn't know how to make it better. Maybe she thought she was losing her kids, or maybe she was just bitter that she didn't have a better childhood. I didn't really have any words of comfort, so I chose to give her a hug.

"I love you, Mom," I told her as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. She stayed seated in her chair, but she leaned her head against my chest as I stooped next to her.

"Love you, too, honey," she said with a sniffle. She kept her head turned down as I pulled away, so I went to my room to give her some space.

xXx

We were back at school and I could feel the yearning I had for winter break. I couldn't wait to go to Colorado with Bella—anywhere with Bella, really, but it made me feel better to be involved with part of the process. I was nervous about flying, especially since Bella told me we'd be arriving in Denver. Truthfully, I'd never been in a big city, and I wasn't sure how I would react.

I think I was more afraid I would never want to come back to Havre.

Bella started mentioning all of the things she needed to take care of before meeting up with Charlotte, and even though I thought she looked absolutely gorgeous, I wasn't going to try to argue with her. That girl had a stubborn streak a mile long.

When Alice casually mentioned something about Jasper going to Nashville, I just assumed it was some trip I didn't know about. He and I didn't really talk much, and I didn't ask Alice about him. Bella normally just told stories about him from when they were kids, but never really offered any new information on him.

When I saw that Bella looked perplexed, I started to get a little worried. Once I saw her face fall as she questioned Jas about his post-graduation plans, I knew she was getting upset. And then when he made a biting comment about a commercial she'd been in, I knew it was going to be bad. Bella looked down at her sandwich and it was like she was eight years old suddenly. I heard the tremor in her voice when she tried to tell Jas off before she ran outside.

I looked at both Jas and Alice intently before standing up to go after her. Alice looked incredibly guilty, and Jas looked sort of annoyed. I wanted him to feel badly about upsetting Bella, but I couldn't make the guy have a conscience. I didn't even know if he needed to feel guilty over what happened.

I found Bella standing in the middle of the walkway, her arms folded around herself, looking down at her feet. She looked cold and sad and I would've done anything to make her happy again.

I reached for her hand and asked her if she was okay. She sniffed and started coughing, but didn't answer.

"Are you upset that Jas is moving away?" I asked, turning her to face me, though she wasn't looking up at me. She answered indifferently. She finally managed to tell me in a broken voice that her feelings were hurt, and I could tell that she was embarrassed by her confession. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly against me, listening as she stammered out her explanation. I tried to be objective, but she was having a hard time accepting it.

She started almost convulsing against me, and I heard her breath getting caught in her throat. It sounded like she was having an asthma attack, and when I pulled her away and looked at her face, I realized how much she was actually crying. Her cheeks and eyelashes were soaking wet, her entire face red and splotchy, and she could barely breathe.

Jas chose that moment to approach with a contrite Alice in tow, and he apologized genuinely. I could tell he was pretty bewildered from her reaction, so I guessed that this wasn't something she did randomly over the years. Bella insisted on going home and wouldn't let either Jas or I take her home. I told her goodbye and walked to my next class, though it felt completely wrong to leave her alone.

It felt like part of my own heart was back there, breaking with hers.

I couldn't concentrate during the last three classes, and I practically sprinted down the hall so that I could get to Bella's house faster. I'd never felt so useless before. I held her and tried to soothe her, but it didn't help. I needed to see her and try to put her back together and hope that it worked.

I nearly careened right into Rose as I turned the last corner of the hallway, and her icy laugh sent a chill down my spine.

"What was wrong with Princess at lunch?" she asked as she looked past me, like I barely even existed. "Realize she was dating a fag?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying desperately not to do or say anything that would get me into trouble.

"At least you two can still be BFFs," Rose said patronizingly.

"Hey, twat-rot, step aside," I heard a voice say next to me. Jas stood there imposingly, casting an even icier glare at Rose. It wasn't the insult that seemed to bother her so much as the way Jas dismissed her like _she_ was nothing. His tone put a crack in her armor, I could see, and as he waited for her to move out the way, I saw the ire flashing in her eyes.

But, she did step aside. And Jas walked passed her without a second glance.

"I don't know why you let that bitch get to you," Jas said amiably as we walked through the double doors.

"There's just…history," I replied vaguely.

"I know there is," Jas said, and my heart began to race. He really was the last person I wanted to know about what happened in that locker room years ago. I should've known he'd find out, especially after what Rose said in the cafeteria the day Bella fought her. "But think about it: so something shitty happened when you were fourteen. So what? Rose is the one that's going to be reliving her high school days when she's thirty and divorced and fat and unwanted."

I snorted at Jas's assessment, and tried to calm down. I didn't think he would make fun of me, but I didn't expect him to be so nonchalant about the entire situation. I just nodded along with him as we approached our cars. Alice was already waiting, biting her lip in worry.

"Are we going over there?" she asked me as soon as I was in earshot.

"Of course," I said. "I texted her earlier and she said it was fine."

"Good," she said as she moved toward the passenger door of the Camaro. Jas gave me a salute as he walked to the driver's side and got in. I quickly started up the Volvo and followed Jas out of the parking lot.

I was trying my damnedest to not be so possessive or controlling over Bella, and I wasn't sure what to do in this situation. Since talking to Mom, I realized that holding on to her too tightly could have the wrong effect, but after seeing her bawling, I knew I couldn't help but grasp her a little tighter. I didn't want her to slip away, and I could only pray that going to Colorado with her, and trying to trust her, would somehow give us a future.

When we all arrived at the Hale/Swan house, we decided that Jas should go in first so he could talk to her before anyone else. After hearing their soft murmurs for a few minutes, Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the doorway.

"Can we come in?" she asked softly. We entered to find Jas pulling back from giving Bella a hug, and at seeing the smile on her face, I felt relieved.

It wasn't enough to keep me from practically wrapping her up like a burrito with my arms and legs, but it helped soothe the ache in my heart. I admitted to her how helpless I felt, and I couldn't stop from telling her, in my most urgent tone, that I loved her. I wanted to solder her body to mine and never have to let her go.

It was easy to remember why I wanted a future with her so badly when she was in my arms. It was hard to remember why I kept thinking it wouldn't work, when she felt so damn right in my embrace.


	32. Chapter 32

**Hey, ya'll! So, here's your update that will hopefully sustain you for the next week. It's kind of a big chapter, so I hope you like it. **

**Happy Holidays!**

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Dinner came and went, and Edward and I were perched on my bed, doing our homework. I found out that Dad had to go out of town last minute—something about breaking contracts and tying up loose ends. He wouldn't be back until Thursday. I left the door open, even though Mom didn't care as much, and tried to focus on my assignments.

Jas and Alice were still a little subdued at dinner, and I tried to pull them out of it, but my fit earlier had really put a damper on everyone. Mom was being extra snippy to all of us except for Edward; they talked in the kitchen for at least fifteen minutes after we finished eating. I eventually just went to my room without him, hoping he'd show up eventually.

Which brought us to where we were: trying to do our homework and ignoring the sexual tension in the air. Almost every time Edward and I were together, and especially when near my bed, the air between us got thicker. Edward was leaned against my headboard, and I was lying on my stomach at the end of the bed. His feet were situated by my face, but the sight of his white socks were so damn cute, I just wanted to cuddle him and squeeze him until he popped.

I sat up to trade out books, and while I flipped through my notebook for the pages assigned to read, Edward moved to sit behind me. I was hunched over my papers when I felt his hand run up my spine and nestle in my hair. I let my head fall back slightly into his waiting palm, and he massaged my scalp. I let out a low groan, and I felt him shift again behind me.

He rose up behind me, positioning himself so he was kneeling, and I felt his thighs against my back. I could tell by his shadow that he was looming over me, and I heard him stifle his own groan. His hand came down to my shoulder as he leaned forward and kissed above my collarbone. His right hand slipped further south into the loose v-neck shirt I was wearing, and grasped roughly at my breast.

My nipples were immediately at attention, and I leaned back into him. The thin bra I wore did little to make my rack look better, but it was perfect for groping; I could feel everything.

"Shit," Edward murmured as he pressed himself into my back once more. His hand came out of my shirt and was joined by its partner, and both hands ran from my shoulders down my torso several times. Electricity hummed below my skin as his talented hands made their circuit. Each time he hungrily passed over my breasts, my heart rate sped a little more. His hands held urgency I hadn't felt from him before, and I was more turned on than ever.

Without a sound, Edward's left hand clamped onto my left breast, kneading and pinching and working it over until I was panting. His right hand blazed a quick trail down my stomach and didn't stop. He cupped the apex between my thighs over my jeans, but it was enough to send me soaring. I lazily glanced at the open door and wished I had telekinetic abilities so I could shut it and lock it. Edward saw where I was looking and hopped off the bed in a flash.

He shut the door and looked at me questioningly before turning the lock. He walked over to where my iPod was docked and turned it on, and then made his way back to me. I started to reach for him as he approached, but he shook his head. He resumed his position behind me, but tugged at the hem of my shirt before sitting back down, pulling my shirt up over my head as he did so. His hands started their course once more, and I reached back to unclasp my bra.

Once I tossed it on the bed beside me, Edward surged forward, his hands moving over me with renewed vigor, and his face was situated on my shoulder so he could see himself touch me. He left his mouth open against my skin as he reached down and unbuttoned my pants. I stood and pushed them off for him and sat back down. Despite the earnest way he was stroking my skin, he took the time to tease me. He ran his hands down my sides to my hips, then back up my thighs, but didn't touch me where I wanted him.

I felt myself getting too worked up, and I pled to him softly, "Please."

He complied immediately, and his right hand slid under the edge of my panties and started moving quickly. Having him behind me gave him a different angle to work with, and we could both see what he was doing easily. It added another level of eroticism to watch his fingers circle and dance across my flesh before disappearing inside of me.

His left hand didn't know what to do with it's intensity, so it kept moving from breast to stomach and back again, clenching my flesh at random intervals. I was getting close, so close, and Edward knew it. He started licking the side of my throat and squeezing my breasts and drawing little circles just right…until I unwound around him. I tensed and lights flashed and his fingers pushed deep into me to feel what he made me do.

"Ah, God, see what you do to me," I said in a breathy voice as I collapsed against his chest. He laid us both down and I tried to recover, but I was somehow still hungry. I rolled over his chest and sat up to look at him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head.

"Fuck," he started. "Seeing you naked, over me like that…ah, fuck."

I touched him through his jeans and his hips leapt off the bed to grind into my hand.

"I want to do this," I suddenly said. "Can we do this?"

And the timing wasn't perfect and Mom was down the hall and I'd had a bad day, but Goddamn, I wanted him and I didn't want to wait. He nodded as soon as the words left my mouth and I started undressing him.

"Tell me you have a condom," I begged, and he nodded fervently once more. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. A small gold packet was retrieved and I breathed a giant sigh of relief. I didn't think I could've stopped.

He was naked in a flash and I couldn't focus on anything but him. His body was perfect—not _perfect_-perfect, but perfect for me—and his eyes held lust and love and I knew it wasn't just fucking. I moved to the side and laid back, allowing him to cover me, and I let him lead. He was between my legs and his hips pressed into mine and there was passion and warmth and so much wetness and stretching and I was filled.

He took a moment to gather himself, and I watched as he squeezed his eyes shut above me. I was sure he tried to think of a myriad of things to keep himself from coming, but I didn't care. I'd already come, and I just wanted him to move against me and with me and in me. I squeezed his perfectly imperfect ass and felt the hair from the top of his thighs. His strong torso pressed against mine as he thrust once, twice, again, again. My breasts rubbed against him and my teeth bit into his shoulder.

I held back the moans but they reverberated in my throat, and I could feel the sweaty slickness between us. Edward didn't last that long, but he lasted long enough to push my knee up to my shoulder and let me feel him more deeply. He came so hard I thought he would never stop pulsing. It was months of built up attraction and arousal and love and want all put into two minutes of connection. As he relaxed over me and I relaxed under him and his dick relaxed inside of me, we breathed in the same air.

"I fucking love you," I told him, needing honesty in that moment more than any other moment in my life. Edward lifted his tired head from my shoulder and his eyes were soft and satisfied.

"I fucking love you, Isabella Hale," he replied perfectly. He kissed me and it was sweet yet longing yet fulfilled yet heavy. My leg rewrapped itself around his lower back and I held him close.

Minutes passed during our soft kisses and quiet murmurs until we realized we needed to get dressed. Once our clothes were put back on and I glanced at him, I couldn't help but laugh. I looked at myself in the mirror and placed my hands on my flushing cheeks.

"Look at us; we can't hide this," I told him as he came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and that was new. I hadn't had a connection that lingered after sex before, and I loved it. "It's so totally obvious that we just did it."

"I don't care. I'm tired of caring. That was the most spectacular thing that's ever happened to me," he said cheekily against my temple. I saw us in the mirror and happiness reflecting back at me and I felt more right than I had before.

"Where'd you put the condom?" I asked, bringing us back to the realities of being teenagers in my parents' house.

"I put it in the trash can by your desk," he responded as he pointed a long finger toward it. I remembered where that finger had been a mere twenty minutes before and I was turned on again.

"That should be fine," I finally answered after shaking my head at myself. "I'm going to go to the bathroom and check out the hallway situation."

Edward gave me a confident nod, and I tiptoed into the hallway, noticing that nothing was different. Jas and Alice weren't in his room, and the door to Mom's study was shut tightly. I heard low music and the rhythmic clacking of her keyboard coming from within, and when I stopped in the bathroom, I heard Jas and Alice giggling at something on TV. I smiled and gave myself a figurative pat on the back.

Edward's eyebrows were raised expectantly when I got back to my room, and I couldn't resist stretching up to kiss his perfectly dimpled chin. His hair had long passed its usual unruly state and was officially in the "sex-hair" zone. While I thought about trying to pat it down and make it presentable, I was too proud to do it. I wanted him to wear the evidence of our romp for the night; I only regretted there weren't paps around to take an incriminating picture.

I was way too keyed up to do my homework, so Edward and I fixed a snack for ourselves and ate at the island in the kitchen. We both wore moony, lovesick faces and shot secret smiles at the other until Jas walked in and coughed to get our attention.

"You guys have a good time?" he asked in a strange voice. I turned to see his cheeks tint pink and I laughed.

"Why bring it up if you're so embarrassed?" I asked as I saw Edward look away awkwardly.

"I don't know what I was thinking," he muttered as he grabbed a soda from the fringe and left the room.

"I feel weird. He knows I slept with his sister…and he's sleeping with my sister…this is just too weird and interconnected," Edward rambled, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Calm down. It's fine—we'll just never mention anybody having sex with anyone ever again, okay?" I said as I pulled his hand away from his face. "Hey. Did I tell you that I love you? And that you're easily the best I've ever had?"

Edward tried to roll his eyes but his smug smirk gave him away

"Am I better than Rosalie?" I asked, not sure if wanted any details.

"Pssh! Rose was more concerned with preening like a damn porn star than actually, you know, doing it. It's a wonder I got off at all," he lamented. I started laughing uncontrollably, imagining Rose arching her back seductively, tugging her own hair, and biting her finger with pouty lips.

"Maybe she's got a real future in it, Edward. Don't dash a girl's dreams!" I mock-scolded. Edward laughed along with me before tugging on my hand for me to sit on his lap.

"You know what the best part was?" he asked softly. I shook my head. "Feeling how much you love me. You felt it, too?"

"Of course," I answered honestly. "It was the most intense thing I've ever experienced. Edward."

He looked at me when I said his name, waiting for what I would say next. A rush of emotions and thoughts passed through me, and I felt overwhelmed. I wasn't sure how to express myself adequately.

"I don't know how to say it," I admitted. "I just…love you."

Edward's face grew serious and I saw in his grey-green eyes that he was weighing my words heavily. "I know what you mean. And I just love you, too."

I felt right, sitting there, on his lap, in his arms, looking into his eyes, and I wondered how I'd ever go without him. I wondered how I hadn't missed this for my entire life. I wondered how things would ever be the same, and I was glad they wouldn't be. He was changing the script in the middle of the story, and damn if I wasn't thrilled.

The snuggles and rainbows only lasted a little while longer, and then Edward and Alice had to go home. Jas didn't acknowledge Edward and he barely looked me in the eye before going to bed. I wanted to laugh but I knew it was wrong. I went back to my room—the scene of the crime—and I rolled around in my sheets like an idiot trying to smell me and Edward and sex. I vowed never to wash them again, though I knew that was one promise I wouldn't keep.

I let my head sink into my pillow and I wrote an imaginary diary entry for the day.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was a strange day. I realized my birth control was up and now my hormones are crazy. At lunch, I got upset at Jas and cried for a few hours, but I feel better now. I had a hard time getting along with Mom today, but I think she'll come around._

_The big news is that Edward and I did it! We had sex. We made love, though I wouldn't use that term in front of people because it sounds so cheesy. But even if it is corny, it perfectly describes what we did together—because the two of us being intimate like that really did make our love a physical, tangible thing. I'll never be the same. _

_Thanks for listening, Diary._

_XOXO Bella_

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_**I'm curious to hear what you guys think!**_  
_


	33. Chapter 33

I felt sorry for Renee. It was obvious that she was hurt. I found out that my mom was the one to pick Bella up from school, and something about the way Bella kept talking about her made Renee's eyes get dimmer and dimmer. By the time dinner was over, she looked like she was crushed. I tried to talk to her for a few minutes in the kitchen, hoping Bella would join me and make her mother feel better, but she didn't. She just peeked in and then walked down to her room. I could see that Renee was disappointed.

So I did what I always did: I asked her how her novel was coming along. I listened to her talk about the intricacies of writing a good character driven plot. I let her ask my opinion on the characterizations and some ideas she had. She seemed a little more upbeat by the time our conversation was finished, and I felt better, too.

While my mom might've had that tough-love disciplinarian thing down, Renee had her beat in my mind. She never talked down to me, or acted like I didn't know anything. She valued my opinions. She talked to me like an adult, like her friend, or her coworker, or anyone other than a son, or her daughter's boyfriend. I knew she'd messed up some when she raised Bella, but all parents did that. And at least Renee trusted her children to make their own choices. That was something I wanted more of from my mom.

But I pushed those thoughts aside and joined Bella in her room. I pretended to do my homework for a while, but all I was really doing was watching her. Admiring the curve of her ass, or the dip in the small of her back as she laid on her stomach. I liked watching the tips of her hair start to brush her shoulders. I imagined her lips on me instead of the end of her pen.

By the time she sat up, I was almost too worked up to go out in public. I positioned myself behind her and ran my hand up her spine, and the sound of her moan was pornographic. I rose up to my knees and I could see every bit of her cleavage from my point of view, and my hand was hungry and had a mind of its own. I slide my right hand down the collar of her shirt and grabbed her tit rougher than I intended, but she liked it.

Both my hands started moving over her torso, each time pressing down hard on her breasts, and finally I reached down and cupped her between her legs. I clutched her so firmly I pulled her hips off the bed. Once I saw Bella's head turn toward the door, I acted fast. I had the door shut and locked and music turned up in a matter of seconds, and then went back to my previous spot.

Bella's shirt and bra hit the floor and watching my hands as they traversed her chest heightened all of my senses. I could almost smell how much we wanted each other. I started to unbutton her pants, but Bella stood and removed them, along with her underwear. She sat back down and I got her worked up before plunging my fingers into her, almost amazed at how wet she was. I could tell her eyes were fixed on where my hand was disappearing.

My other hand kept moving from breast to breast, letting my forearm roll over her tight nipples over and over. She would probably be bruised and sore from how rough I was being, but she kept arching her back and I knew that she was enjoying it. I circled her clit quickly, over and over and over and I felt her begin to pulse. I pushed three fingers into her, stretching and feeling and pushing as far as I could.

God, I wanted my dick in there as soon as possible.

"Ah, God, see what you do to me," she said, almost echoing my thoughts. I laid back and she hovered over me, her tits dangling like delicious tear drops and I moaned. "I want to do this. Can we do this?"

And the angels of heaven broke out in a chorus as a bright light shone down on me. The thought of being inside of her was going to make me come before I even got there. I retrieved a condom from my wallet and undressed as fast as I could. Bella laid back and spread eagle for me, and I watched my dick inch into her before leaning down and touching my chest to hers.

I tried to think of anything else so I could prolong it, but it was futile. She was so fucking hot and tight and that stole every other thought. I pulled halfway out and plunged into her again. I knew I wouldn't last long, but I wanted everything I could get. I pushed her knee up as far as it would go, and it felt like I was hitting her backbone I was in so deep.

Fuck, I'd never felt anything like it. And her eyes were smiling at me, and my heart was surging towards her. It was cliché and cheesy, but God, we really were one.

I came and collapsed on her and we breathed together.

We eventually got dressed, but nothing could hide the glow that radiated off of Bella. I made her feel that way. I made her glow like that. And as I stood behind her, watching her watch me in the mirror, I knew that this was more than I thought it was. There was no way this was supposed to end quickly. This was the sort of thing that lasted longer than life.

Maybe it was the sex that had me so optimistic, but suddenly I wanted to make everything work. I wanted to support her and love her and go where she wanted and bring her home when she wanted and just be with her.

And being that close to her made me never want to be away from her again. Somehow, I was even hungrier for her. I had to have her hand in mine, or her body against me. I had to feel her weight on my lap. God, I had to have her, and I would do whatever it took.

"Edward," she said, my name like a statement. Her eyes were swirling with a vision of the future, and I just wanted to stare into them so I saw how it all played out. "I don't know how to say it. I just…love you."

It was the most honest thing I'd ever heard. How could either of us put this thing into words?

"I know what you mean. And I just love you, too."


	34. Chapter 34

**Happy Monday! So, in case you guys didn't notice, ff. net wouldn't let me add an A/N last chapter, so that's why I threw you into an EPOV without warning...though you all seemed to enjoy it! Edward, Bella and Renee are headed to Colorado in this one, so I hope you like it.**

**I don't own Twilight**

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The semester was almost over, classes were winding down, and my trip to Colorado was swiftly approaching. Edward and I weren't able to get anywhere near as much alone time as we wanted, but we made due with occasional afternoon delights. Edward was a typical teenage boy and could have sex at the drop of a hat; all I had to do was say the word and he was rock hard.

Fortunately for him, I was just as raring to go. If he looked at me the right way, I mounted him. The insane intensity of our first time was gone, replaced by a growing familiarity and curiosity. I was more flexible than I realized, and Edward's stamina was steadily building, as well. The few times we were left completely alone in my house, we took advantage by letting every moan, groan, and whimper loose.

Jas eventually stopped avoiding Edward, but my dad still glared at him balefully most days. Alice and I worked to find time to hang out, just the two of us, and it was refreshing to have a girlfriend who wasn't competing against me. She was cool and sort of chill and she stopped giving a shit about my celebrity-dom. She also successfully and meticulously colored my hair, and I was once again a brunette.

The small amount of tan I'd had before had long since faded away, and the darker hair make my complexion glow. I thought I looked younger, but not necessarily in a bad way, and I hoped Charlotte liked it. I hadn't gone up another size in clothes, so I felt confident as I packed my small carry-on for the flight.

Esme and my mom were a little at odds with each other; Mom insisted on paying for Edward's plane ticket. Esme thought it was charity, and argued with her over it. They eventually stopped talking about it in front of us, and I didn't know who bought the damn thing, but Edward had a spot on the flight, so I didn't care.

Edward finished the semester with an A average, making my steady C's seem especially pathetic. The thing that frustrated me so much about school was how I always thought I was getting it. I read the chapters and did the assignments, and it all felt easy, but my grades contradicted that. My tests were always marked up with red ink, and if it weren't for my homework pulling up my averages, I would have made out even worse. I had Edward to thank for helping me in all of my classes, even ones he hadn't taken yet.

I was looking forward to doing a little on-set tutoring, just for the break from seven straight hours of classes. I knew Jas was both excited to get a break, and sad to leave Alice for a few weeks, but I tried to mention the bright side at every opportunity. I wasn't allowing myself to think about how I wouldn't see Edward for almost an entire month. It would make everything feel too hard.

We were all packed and trying to sleep before getting up before dawn to drive to Great Falls. Knowing Edward was sleeping on the couch in the family room was torture. I contemplated sneaking down to see him, but I knew the likelihood of getting caught was high. The house was laid out so that the family room was only one door down from my parents' room, and my dad was a ridiculously light sleeper. I also knew there was no way in hell Edward would risk sneaking down to my room, so we were left to lie alone for the short night.

My alarm blared at 3:30 and I felt like I'd only just fallen asleep. I wiped my eyes and got up to pee, startling when I ran into Edward in the hall. In the confusion of the early hour I forgot he was there. The stale taste in my mouth made me self-conscious, and I didn't want him to hear me pee, so I motioned for him to go ahead. My mother stumbled out of her bedroom and looked at me with bleary eyes.

"Can I use your bathroom?" I asked, my voice thick with sleep.

"Mmph," Mom grumbled in reply. I walked through the room and into the master bath, wishing I had a toothbrush but relieved to at least empty my bladder.

As I walked back through the bedroom, my dad started mumbling to me about being safe. I assured him we would be fine and managed to sneak back to the common bathroom and brush my teeth. I heard Edward talking quietly to my mom in the kitchen, so I leaned against the island and squinted at them in the harsh light.

Mom was as much of a morning person as I was, so her responses were delayed and her nods didn't quite complete their course as she spoke to Edward. He was decidedly more anxious since he'd never been on a plane before, and his mannerisms were jerky. I stared at the coffee maker as though it would brew faster, and Edward finally quieted down and came up behind me. His weight pressed into my back and his hands rested on my shoulders and I felt slightly more awake.

His fingers moved to my hair and he scratched lightly on my scalp as he asked if he could get the first shower. I nodded my agreement and lamented the loss of his touch as he walked back down the hall. Mom and I were silent in the large kitchen, both listening to the percolating machine instead of conversing. I heard the shower start just as the coffee finished brewing, and I poured both Mom and myself large mugs. I added a little milk and resumed my position at the island.

The shower cut off and I waited for the door to open before making my way down the hall. Edward was freshly washed and dressed, his hair wet and his clothes clutched in one hand. He gave me a soft smile and a quick kiss before going to repack his bag in the family room. I grabbed the pile of clothes I had stacked in my room and set them on the sink before stripping and stepping under the hot water. I was a little nervous about my upcoming meeting, but excited more than anything.

It felt like I couldn't get anything accomplished in the shower; I kept standing in a daze and forgetting what I was doing. By the time I got dressed and started putting my makeup on, Edward knocked on the door. I opened it to see him standing there holding a bagel and chewing rapidly. He stepped in and leaned against the counter, watching me apply my eyeliner with precision and sucking in my cheeks to aide in applying blush. I figured watching me would be boring, but his eyes stayed glued to me, even when I turned on the noisy blow dryer.

I shut the door so Jas wouldn't wake up, and Edward moved to sit on the closed toilet seat. I felt his hand slid over my ass and around to my hip and I turned to look at him in confusion. My head was bent over and my hair almost blocked my vision, but I saw his little smile.

I pulled the dryer away from my hair to listen to him speak.

"You just look so cute doing that," he said in a loud voice. I rolled my eyes and went back to work, and just when I shut the blow dryer off, he pulled me onto his lap. "Your ass was shaking back and forth and I couldn't help but touch it."

I smirked at his words and gave him a more thorough good morning kiss, but when my blood started to flow and throb in my crotch, I knew I needed to back off. Edward's body was in agreement with mine, and I saw him adjust himself as he stood. I tousled my hair with my fingers a few times before deeming it acceptable, and we exited the bathroom together.

Mom was digging through her large purse when we stepped into the dining room. "I toasted a bagel for you, hon. You can eat it on the way."

I grabbed at the warm food and took a bite, my stomach protesting a little. I wasn't used to eating so early. The three of us walked outside as quietly as we could, but I couldn't stop my sharp gasp when I felt the bitter wind hit my face. The air was colder than I'd felt it and it made my bones instantly ache. A layer of snow seemed to stay on the ground at all times, never melting all the way down, and I'd started to grow accustomed to wearing tons of layers.

Mom laughed a little when Edward and I both got in the backseat but she didn't argue. She sat her enormous tote on the passenger seat and even buckled it in. Edward immediately wrapped me in his arms when he heard my teeth chattering, and my Mom cursed at the car taking so long to warm up.

"I should've started the car earlier," she complained. Edward opened his door and got out, holding a windshield scraper I hadn't seen in his hand. He worked quickly to get the layer of frost off and climbed back in, sniffing as his nose started to run. We both invaded the other's personal space and started to warm up minutely. Mom turned on her lights and we made our way down the dark, empty roads and headed toward Great Falls.

Thankfully the airport had a direct flight to Denver. Charlotte said she'd pick us up and drive us out to her house in Boulder, so we didn't have to rent a car. Our trip would be short, but hopefully successful, and Mom was determined for us to get some shopping time in Denver.

I dozed against Edward's shoulder as we drove, enjoying the way his hand was tucked in between my thighs. I hugged his arm to my chest and the heat that permeated the car lulled me into a nap. Edward's head was tipped back against the headrest, and every so often I would wake to hear a small grunt from him as he slept. Mom sang along with the radio from the front seat, looking much more alert than she had earlier.

We arrived at the airport in just under two hours and got our boarding passes printed off. We had time to eat another breakfast at one of the cafes in the airport, and Edward started to get jittery all over again. I made him listen to his iPod as we waited for the flight to board, hoping he would calm down. Eventually we were herded onto the large plane and seated. There was no first class on our plane, but all of the economy seats were larger and more comfortably spaced than usual. Edward sat by the window so he could see, and his hand gripped mine as soon as the plane started to taxi.

The plane finally picked up speed and steadily ascended the sky, and Edward's eyes were glued to the view outside. He watched quietly until he couldn't see anything anymore, and I saw him open his mouth a couple times to pop his ears. He looked at me with a wide smile.

"Awesome," he breathed. I nodded and snuggled against him, kissing his cheek once softly. His hand took its rightful place on my thigh, and he scooted down in his seat to get more comfortable.

Mom had her laptop out, seemingly reading over something she'd written, periodically clicking and clacking and replacing. She didn't seem to mind my and Edward's PDA, but I didn't want to test her. I wished I could crawl up on his lap and kiss him like I meant it, but it would have to wait.

The flight passed quickly as we followed the mountains southeast, and before we knew it, we were buckling back up and landing. The airport was bustling and I was thankful we'd only brought carry-ons. People were packed everywhere, and I couldn't see far enough in front of me to even know what direction we were headed.

Edward's hand gripped mine almost painfully, and I looked up to see anxiety bordering on fear in his eyes. I squeezed his hand a couple of times to get his attention, and he looked at me in embarrassment.

"I've never been in such a…crowd," he said as he bent to speak directly into my ear. "Apart from a cattle auction or a school assembly, I've never been around so many people. And this is different."

I nodded my head in understanding and reached out with my free hand to grab my mom's sleeve. The last thing I wanted was to get lost in an unfamiliar airport and have Edward start freaking out. Edward hitched his small backpack onto his shoulder and started looking around.

"Okay, the sign saying 'pick up' is this way," he informed us as he led us to the right. Mom trailed along behind me, struggling to retrieve her phone from the bottom of her purse, and making it hard for me to keep a hold of her.

Edward had the height we needed, but neither he nor Charlotte knew who they were looking for. After what felt like a torturous three minutes of being shouldered and kicked and pressed against in the throng of travelers, Edward turned to look down at me.

"I see her—she's holding a sign with your name on it," he said excitedly. He led us right up to the small, round, curly-headed woman and gave her a shy smile. She looked at Edward in surprise before recognizing me and giving me a hearty hug.

"Isabella, you look great!" she exclaimed in my ear. "It's so good to see you. I'm so glad you could make it out!"

"It's good to see you, too," I told her genuinely. I heard her let a little shriek out before she moved along to grab my mother and embrace her as well.

"Renee! I'm glad you could come, too."

Mom hugged her back with enthusiasm; she seemed to remember that Charlotte was close to her age and had a similar jovial spirit.

"Thanks for inviting us, Charlotte," Mom responded. Charlotte turned her eyes on Edward, who was standing semi-awkwardly next to me and glancing around.

"And who is this?" she asked as she stepped forward to shake his hand.

"I'm Edward, ma'am," he said politely. Charlotte smiled broadly.

"Are you an actor, Edward?"

"Uh, no, I'm, uh, Bella's boyfriend," he stuttered, his face blushing for no good reason.

"You should try acting—your face is just…unf!" Charlotte emphasized with a jut of her hips. Edward's blush deepened and he looked down at his feet shuffling back and forth.

"His face isn't the only thing that's 'unf,' Charlotte," I teased, "but he's not into the acting thing. Unfortunately for you."

"Yes, that is unfortunate," the rotund woman said. She cast one more wistful glance at Edward's lean body before leading us outside to her car. She unlocked the doors of a nicely kept Prius and popped open the back hatch for us to toss our bags in. Edward folded himself into the backseat and immediately reached across to hold my hand tightly. I could tell that while he was excited, he was also uneasy.

The city buzzed with people getting ready for Christmas, and I enjoyed the anonymity of it all. I missed being lost in a crowd of people and having limitless things to do with my time.

But I knew I wasn't the same person anymore, because the city felt a little overwhelming, and I found myself wishing to cuddle up in the family room with Edward and watch a movie. I wanted only one road through town and nowhere to go.

Charlotte chattered as she drove us toward Boulder, pointing streets and buildings out to Mom as we passed. Edward peeled his coat off and I saw Charlotte's eyes drift to her rearview mirror to watch him. I could've sworn she murmured, "Damn," under her breath.

She was right, though—Edward looked stupidly hot. He had a red flannel shirt on over a beige Henley, his hair was wild over his ears, and he hadn't shaved. He looked like a sexy lumberjack from the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. Edward had a ninja death grip on my hand as he watched a few guys on a street corner get into a tussle. I reached over and stroked his hair at the nape of his neck and he started to relax.

The drive to Boulder didn't take too long, but the entire trip was catching up with me, despite the naps I'd taken. Charlotte parked in a small driveway and we all climbed out, shivering immediately. It was just as cold as Montana and had about the same amount of snow on the ground. Her house was a nice cottage with a trellis along the side. I imagined that her yard was filled with flowers in the spring.

Charlotte had two guest rooms, so Mom and I planned to share one while Edward took the other. It was up in the air still if Makenna was going to be able to come out, so if she did, Edward offered to move to the couch. After getting settled, Charlotte said we could rest for a bit before we started going over the script. Mom immediately flopped onto the bed we were sharing and fell asleep. She was laying diagonally, so I couldn't lay down by her even if I wanted to. Not that I wanted to. I had somewhere better to be.

I walked into the room Edward was sleeping in and found him lying on his side, facing away from the door. I tiptoed toward him, just in case he was already asleep, but he spoke just as I set my knee on the bed.

"Bella," he whispered. His hand reached blindly behind him and I grabbed it. He pulled me up against him, and I wrapped my arm around his torso. My hand fisted his shirt and my nose rested between his shoulder blades, and he felt so soft and right. He moved his feet to tangle with mine and then we both fell asleep.

I woke up to voices down the hall and Edward facing me. He was still breathing deeply and his eyes were shut, so I took a moment to look at the way his face relaxed as he slept. His mouth was barely open, and I could see his eyes moving beneath his eyelids. His right hand was up the back of my shirt and his left arm was bent and crushed between our chests. His leg was slipped naturally between mine and it was like living in our future for a short moment.

The voices got closer to the open door of the room, and I heard my mother whisper my name. I turned my head to look at her, and she quietly asked if I wanted lunch. I nodded, realizing how empty my stomach felt, and gently nudged Edward. He instinctively rolled toward me and pressed me down into the bed. His torso was heavy on mine and I was pinned. I glanced up at the door and saw my mother's back as she walked away. I shook his shoulder gently and his head started nuzzling almost imperceptibly into my neck.

"No," he argued hoarsely. "I don't want to get up." He hitched his leg higher to cover both of mine and held me down.

I managed to wrestle one hand free and I pressed it to his lower back before soothingly stroking up and down his spine.

"I don't want to get up, either, but it's time to eat," I told him, kissing his ear. He snuggled closer still, like a cat, and I laughed softly. "Come on, babe."

I pushed against his shoulder and he rolled off of me reluctantly. He yawned widely before stretching his arms above his head. I patted his abs appreciatively and he flinched, his muscles tightening under my hand. He scratched at his head and his hair looked wilder than normal.

"God, I feel so out of it," he tried to explain as he slowly rolled off of the bed. His shirt was wrinkled and one side of his hair was flat to his scalp. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed the mole on the back of his neck that I loved.

"I love you," I murmured against his skin.

"I love you, too," he said as he held my arms against him. "What's for lunch?"

"I don't know yet," I answered, and as I pulled away and he stood, I saw movement from the corner of my eye. Charlotte was standing at the door with a grin on her face, and I saw Edward flush once more in embarrassment.

"Don't mind me! I'm just a nosy old woman nowadays," she explained as she waved her hand dismissively. "I just think you two are so cute. And you're so different from the last time I saw you, Isabella."

"Please, call me Bella," I corrected her. Her eyes lit up and she nodded her acceptance. Charlotte wasn't even forty yet—far from an old woman—but she had the personality of an elderly neighborhood gossip. She'd been acting for several years, always playing the quirky sidekick, and I remembered her constant jokes on set for _Blacklisted_.

"Alright, Bella—I just wanted to say that you look good, doll," she continued as she linked her arm through mine and led me to the kitchen. "I don't know if it's Montana or just being in love, but you've certainly got a glow."

It was my turn to blush and I couldn't help but steal a glance at Edward. He kept his head down but he couldn't hide the smile on his face. I saw my mother sitting at the kitchen table, and she looked at the two of us fondly. She had been so distant lately, it was surprising to see her showing any kind of emotion over me at all.

"They are adorable, aren't they?" Mom said nostalgically. "Makes me remember falling in love for the first time."

I saw the pain flash in Mom's eyes, and I couldn't help but wonder what things would've been like if my real dad had lived. What would Mom have turned into? What would have happened with Jas and I?

"Yes, I love falling in love," Charlotte responded. "Speaking of, my beau will be here later—he wanted to take us all out to dinner. Boulder has a wide selection of restaurants. Are you all vegan?"

I shook my head along with Mom, and Edward almost laughed. "Edward lives on a ranch in Montana—what do you think?"

Charlotte winked at Edward before responding. "No, I guess he wouldn't be, now would he?"

"No, ma'am," he said charmingly. Charlotte faked fanning herself before pulling out a few items from the fridge.

"Well, I've got tons of veggies and bread and hummus, if you like," she said as she sat out several containers of freshly chopped vegetables.

"What's hummus?" Edward asked almost silently in my ear.

"Um, it's like…a dip…made of chickpeas. It's really good, you'll like it," I told him. He looked at the small tub suspiciously until I grabbed a carrot and swirled it through, then popped it in my mouth. He imitated me and just went for it, and I watched as his expression turned to one of satisfaction. He dipped one more carrot before helping me made a sandwich.

We ate quietly, all of us singularly focused on our sandwiches, until Charlotte reached into her purse and pulled out a blunt. She put it to her lips and lit it before any of us could react. I saw Edward's eyebrows pinch together in confusion, and I shot a panicked glance at my mom. She sat frozen with a celery stick halfway to her mouth, watching in shock.

I bit my lips as soon as the musty smell hit me, and looked away. I rose from the table and grabbed for Edward's empty plate, using the excuse for washing dishes as a chance to step away. I heard Mom quietly address Charlotte.

"Bella's just recently gotten off, um, drugs, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't smoke in front of her," she said diplomatically. "I know this is your house, but it would make it much easier on Bella."

Charlotte looked pretty surprised for a moment before responding. "I don't consider pot a 'drug.' It's legal in Denver for anyone over 21."

"Well, Bella and Edward are seventeen. I don't want Bella around it, and I know Edward's mother wouldn't be happy about it either. I mean no disrespect, but I'm sure you would try to refrain from drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic, am I right?"

Charlotte pursed her lips before tamping the joint out on her plate. "You're right. I'm sorry, Bella," she said apologetically as she looked at me. I nodded and gave her a small smile, but the smell was still thick in the air.

"I think I'm going to step out just for a second," I commented. "And then we can get started."

Edward was standing stiffly next to me so I tugged his shirttail and made him follow me. We stepped out onto Charlotte's small back deck and I inhaled the cold air deeply.

"That was weird," I finally said, breaking the silence.

"You'll probably think I'm incredibly lame, but I have never been around that before," Edward remarked, his voice sounding shaky and nervous. "I didn't know what was going on at first."

"That's not lame. I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't want it," I tried to explain as I turned back toward the house. I rested my elbows on the railing and let my face tilt up to the sky.

"Hey," Edward said as his hand snaked around my waist. "You'll be fine."

I nodded, taking his words to heart and hoping they were true. "I should've known; Boulder is a hippie town."

Edward knew I was trying not to focus on the incident in the kitchen, so he let me ramble nonsensically about a couple of hippies I hung out with once. I told him about how long I managed to keep a hula-hoop going around my hips and he laughed along with me. Once my lungs felt clear, I told him I was ready to go back inside.

He stayed right by me as we walked in, and as I sat down with Charlotte to discuss my character, he perched next to me and listened just as intently, and I knew he would be there to support me, no matter what.


	35. Chapter 35

**A thousand apologies for the late update! I totally missed last Friday and Monday, but I'm here now, so that counts for something, right? I was busy working on a (non-fanfic) project and it pretty much took up all my time. The good news is, I finally figured out the ending to this story, which I'd been agonizing over, so everything is finished. I'll probably start updating more frequently now that I have it all down. There are twelve more chapters after this one, so it should all be finished in a couple of weeks!**

**Thanks so much for sticking with me through this, and for all of your kind words about this story.**

* * *

Charlotte and I walked through a number of key scenes before dinner, and I felt good about my take on the character. Shiri wasn't so different from me, and I found it was easy to play her. She was much more low-key, but other than that, we were one in the same. Edward visibly tensed when Charlotte mentioned one of the racier scenes I had to shoot, and she tried to calm him down herself.

"Honestly, Edward, those things are never romantic," she began. "It's all so technical and rehearsed, it's not even like real kissing or sex or anything of the sort."

Edward didn't look any more assured, but he nodded as thought he believed her.

"Besides, Bella would be crazy to go for some actor douche when she's got you to come home to," Charlotte said in a flirty tone. Edward cracked a smile, and Charlotte looked please with herself. "Renee, are you going to come down with Bella for the shoot?"

"I might visit, but I won't be staying long," Mom answered from the kitchen where she was writing away on her novel.

"She needs a chaperone on set when we shoot Shiri's scene with Kyle," Charlotte pointed out.

"My brother's coming with me," I told her.

"Is he over eighteen?"

"Yep. Does that work?" I questioned.

"It's perfect! I wish you could come visit, Edward," Charlotte almost pouted. "I'd love for you to watch a day of shooting."

"Why does Bella need a chaperone?" he asked exasperatedly. He wouldn't let himself relax enough to take in all of the good things Charlotte was saying.

"Well," she hedged, looking at me with a conspiratorial glance. "Since she's a minor, it's important to have, um, boundaries. She and Renee both will have to sign a few forms, and then Bella's brother will have to agree to be present on the day of shooting to, uh, protect her rights."

Edward blinked several times while keeping a blank expression on his face. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Edward, listen, we talked about this—I told you I would have to be topless, right? This is just part of that," I said in what I hoped was a nonchalant, soothing tone.

When I saw the muscle in Edward's jaw clench tightly, I knew I was in for it. Edward rose from his seat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, all the while keeping his eyes on mine. I wanted to shrink back from his glare, but I tried to maintain eye contact. Both his hands went to his head and tugged at his hair. I could tell he was trying to choose his words carefully.

"This isn't cool. But you know that," he simply stated. He blew out a heavy breath and turned to look out the window. I glanced at Charlotte to see that she looked genuinely remorseful. I hated that she felt badly about her script—especially when it was such a powerful story—but I didn't want Edward to freak out.

The back door of Charlotte's house opened at that moment, breaking the tension somewhat and offering a respite from the drama. A voice filtered through the room, greeting Mom and introducing himself.

"I'm Viktor, it's nice to meet you," a man said in a Russian accent.

"Renee," I heard my mom respond. "Nice to meet you, as well."

"Vik! We're in here!" Charlotte called. A man with dark hair and darker eyes appeared in seconds and gave us a huge smile.

"You must be Isabella," he said as he walked forward to shake my hand. His eyes turned to Edward. "And this young man…."

"This is my boyfriend, Edward," I told him. Viktor stepped forward and gave Edward a firm handshake before kissing him on the cheek. I had to hold back a laugh when I saw Edward's blush creep up his face for the tenth time that day.

"Hi, darling," he said lovingly as he leaned down to kiss Charlotte's plump cheek. "Are we ready for dinner?"

Charlotte looked at me expectantly and I shrugged. I looked at Edward, but he wasn't looking at me.

"Yeah, I'm ready to eat," he said briskly as he stepped by me and grabbed his coat. His eyes darted around the room, never settling on anyone in particular, and I saw my mom look at him with concern.

"Great," she said with a forced smile. "Let me just grab my purse."

She squeezed Edward's elbow as she passed him, and he finally looked up at me. He shifted his gaze to over my shoulder once he met my eyes, and I wanted to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum.

"I might change my shirt—Edward, come help me," I said, grabbing his arm and pulling him along. I didn't give him the chance to refuse.

"Why does she need help?" I heard Viktor ask behind us.

I walked into the guest room and shut the door behind us. I pushed Edward until he sat down on the bed, and then I crawled on his lap and straddled him.

"Bella, don't," he argued, pulling his head back from my searching lips. He didn't force me off of his lap, but he didn't put his arms around me, either.

"Edward, listen," I started. I put my finger to his lips when he tried to interrupt. "No. Hear me. I. Don't. Want. Anyone. But. You. When I kiss someone else, I'll think of you. When I take my shirt off, I'll pretend it's just for you. I don't want to do any of those things with anyone else, ever."

He scoffed, and I started to get angry. "I don't! Literally. Edward, look at me," I ordered. His eyes met mine, and I could see the apprehension in them. "I want you. And I think I want you for the rest of my life."

My soft words seemed to cut through part of his armor, and I saw him open up. He was finally listening to what I was saying, and trying to believe it.

"I know it seems silly, but I mean it. We're seventeen and we're probably idiots, but I want you, and I will keep wanting you. I think you're…I think you're the one. And kissing some loser in front of a camera won't change that. Believe me," I pled. His arms came up to embrace me, and as my chest pressed against his, I felt how fast his heart was beating.

"I think you're the one, too," he said into my hair. "And I don't care if we're idiots. I trust you. It's just hard to imagine another guy touching you or seeing you. But I know that you want me."

"Just remember that, okay?" I asked him. I pulled back just enough to kiss him fiercely. I let everything I felt for him fall into that one kiss, and as my tongue warred with his, I felt him accepting what I was telling him. Our mouths were open and devouring and stirring up things that couldn't be taken care of yet when the door cracked open.

"Guys? You ready to go?" Mom asked. Edward and I separated, creating gross, sucking sounds to reverberate through the room, and I knew she was aware of what we were doing.

"Yeah, Mom," I answered as I stood from Edward's lap. His grey-green eyes looked lighter than they had moments ago, and as he stood and towered over me, I wanted nothing more than to make him happy.

Viktor took us downtown to a Brazilian restaurant, claiming that we hadn't lived until we'd eaten there. After the adults ordered some drinks, the waiter returned a little while later to explain the menu. Before we knew it, he had slabs of meat on gigantic skewers, and we were picking what we wanted for our "All You Can Eat Meat" meal.

I'd never seen anything like it, and the hearty dishes had me full in ten minutes. Edward ate like he was in a competition, putting everyone else to shame. By the time he was finished, he'd devoured four steaks from four different animals. I preferred the lamb, but Edward said it was the best beef he'd ever had.

Charlotte, Viktor and Mom were getting close to three sheets to the wind. Mom wasn't used to drinking so much, and she and Charlotte kept trying to keep up with Viktor's natural sensibilities. When the bill was paid and we stood to leave, Mom was swaying unsteadily, and Edward dutifully offered his elbow to escort her out.

Once we got on the sidewalk, Charlotte started giggling uncontrollably, saying she wanted to get home.

"Why don't you kiddies stay out?" she asked in an overly loud voice. "We old fogeys will catch a cab."

She fished around in her purse for a minute before extracting her keys. Mom nodded along, leaning heavily into Viktor.

"Here, Bella," Charlotte said as she slapped the keys in my hand. "You guys take the car. Come home…later. Sometime. Renee, what's their curfew? I've never had any children."

"Mmm, later. Give me s-some time to, uh, sober up," Mom said between hiccups.

"There's plenty to do around here," Viktor offered. He was the only one that seemed only mildly buzzed. "Be safe."

Edward and I nodded and watched the three turn away, and laughed at Mom stumbling during the rotation. We saw them hail a cab and waved at them once more before turning to one another.

"Well," I began. "The night is young. What should we do?"

"Um, I guess we can walk for a little while and see what we find," Edward suggested. I nodded in agreement and looped my arm through his. We set off on foot away from the restaurant, and I hoped we'd find something at least relatively cool to do. Edward deserved to have an awesome time while we were in Boulder.

After meandering a few streets over and turning a few corners, we stumbled upon a small music venue. I looked up at the marquee to see the band Blitzen Trapper was playing there in an hour.

"Hey, I know this band," I told Edward as I pointed up to the sign. "They're good. Wonder if it's sold out…."

Edward kept his arm firmly around me as he led me toward the ticket window.

"Hi," I began. The girl sitting on the other side of the counter had three rings in her lip and one through her septum. She was on the pudgy side and her hair was dyed an ashy blonde. She gave me a quick smile before her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at me more closely. "Are there still tickets?"

She stared at me for a beat longer before shaking her head and pulling herself out of the trance she was in. "Uh, yeah."

"Okay, two tickets, please," I said politely as I reached for my wallet.

"That'll be $22.50," the girl informed me. Edward offered to pitch in on the tickets, but I didn't have any cash. I handed the girl the credit card I kept with me, and I saw her study it closely before swiping it through the machine. The tickets printed and she handed them to me, along with my card. "Enjoy the show."

Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder once more as we stepped forward to hand our tickets to the doorman.

"Under twenty-one?" the burly man asked in a bored voice. Edward and I both nodded, and the man affixed loose fitting plastic bands to our wrists. We headed inside, immediately stifled by the heat of the crowd.

An opening band was on the stage, and while they weren't terrible, I was hoping the real show would start sooner rather than later. We found a coat check and dumped our thick winter jackets off before making our way through the multitude of people.

I saw a lot of twenty-somethings and very few teenagers, and I breathed a sigh of relief at the dark venue. I prayed I wouldn't get recognized, or if I did, that I wouldn't get hassled.

"So, you'll have to tell me a little bit about this band—I've never heard of them before," Edward whisper-yelled in my ear as we took residence near a thick pillar near the side.

"They're like…alternative, um, folk kinda? Sort of folk or alt-country, I guess," I told him.

"Like Ryan Adams?" he asked. I started to answer before I realized he was mocking my ridiculous outburst from lunch a few weeks prior. After I settled down, everyone had a good laugh at how I freaked out over what Jas said.

"Shut up," I told him as I poked him in the side. He jumped slightly before stretching both of his arms around my waist and squeezing me tightly to his chest. "Mmm, I like this."

"I do, too," he breathed against my ear. "I wish we could just…go somewhere and be like this, out on our own, together all the time."

"I know," I whined. "But hey, we've only got, like, a year and a half to go before you're free."

"Don't remind me," he responded with a groan.

"So, are you feeling somewhat better now?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't want to ruin the mood by bringing up the script again, but I needed to know that he was trying to accept it.

"I feel better," he spoke after a moment's pause. "It seriously sucks, though. I know it's totally different for me than it is you, and you've grown up in the business or whatever, but…I just want to know that you understand where I'm coming from."

"Of course I do! I promise, I get it. I would be the same way," I said honestly. "But as long as you know that I'm stupid crazy over you, then it'll be okay."

"You do seem to like me an awful lot," Edward said with a shrug. I laughed into his chest as he pulled me to him once again.

A few notes lingered in the air from the opening acoustic act, but soon the recess lights came back on and people headed for the bar or the bathrooms. Edward and I stayed in our spot until the floor opened up, and then we snuck our way closer to the stage. He kept his hands tangled in my hair and I kept mine firmly at his waist. I wanted him so badly; I wanted to kiss him and touch him and rub against him and get on top of him and have my way with him.

The look he gave me made me think he could read my mind. Edward let his lips trail from my ear to my mouth, and then he started a scorching kiss that really shouldn't have occurred in public. Seconds passed and we eventually pulled apart, though my lips were tingling and my body was flushed. I could feel sweat breaking out on my lower back, and a blush spreading across my cheeks.

"Shit, what was that?" I asked him, half-joking.

"I don't know," he confessed as he pressed his nose into my hair. He nuzzled against me like he just couldn't get enough, and soon the crowd around us filled up again, and the lights lowered. Blitzen Trapper made their way onto the stage, and after all six band members strapped in to their instruments, they started playing.

It was easy to get lost in the music as it swelled loudly around us. While I had heard the band before, I wasn't too familiar with any of the songs in particular. People around us sang along, hopping slightly or swaying with the music, and I could feel Edward moving behind me.

"I really like them," he shouted at me in the middle of a guitar breakdown. I just nodded back at him, and the two of us rocked side to side for the remainder of the show.

After over an hour of standing too close to a speaker, we were ready to get outside. We retrieved our coats and I saw Edward attempt to tip the person that handed them to us. He wasn't smooth or suave, but damn was he cute when he tried. I had to run to the bathroom before we could leave, and Edward promised to stand right inside the double doors for me.

The line was ridiculous to the bathroom, and once I got into the stall, I realized I didn't have any toilet paper. After doing a squat-and-shake over the toilet, I tromped over to the sink and hurriedly washed my hands. There were no paper towels in the dispenser, so I rubbed my wet palms across the thighs of my jeans and finally got back out the door.

I spotted Edward's dirty boots before I saw the rest of him, and I made my way into his arms quickly. I pressed my nose against the soft flannel of his shirt and smiled before grabbing his hand and pulling him outside. We walked back to the car huddled together, both for warmth and because we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves.

I managed to direct Edward back to Charlotte's house without getting lost, and I was surprised to see all of the lights off. Edward and I crept into the house quietly, and I immediately smelled pot and cigarettes lingering in the air. I gave Edward a quick goodnight kiss and made my way into the room Mom and I were staying in. I felt around in the dark for my bag and pulled out the first soft clothes I found.

I tiptoed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and change, and then crept back over to the bed. I blindly stretched my hands across the covers and discovered that Mom was sprawled out in the middle of the bed. I fruitlessly tried to shove her over, but she was dead weight. I curled up on the edge of the mattress, but the smell coming from her was overwhelming. It was like she'd sat in an ashtray for hours and let other people pour their cigarette and weed ash on her head.

I felt a little betrayed by her; I wasn't sure if she'd smoked with Charlotte, but I was miffed that she felt she could do something like that if I couldn't. After getting myself worked up into a silent tizzy, I bolted from the bed and decided to do something about it. If she could do whatever the hell she wanted, then so could I.

I walked across the hallway, not even trying to be quiet, and opened the door to Edward's room. He was already in bed, so I shuffled over to the mattress and got under the covers before he'd even said a word.

"What's up, babe?" he asked quietly as he stifled a yawn.

"Mom reeks," I answered succinctly.

"Uh," was his response.

"I think they smoked when they got back."

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I asked in a frustrated tone.

"I'm sorry if it makes it harder for you. Or if you're mad at Charlotte and your mom. I'm just sorry," he told me, his hand reaching for me in the dark.

"Thank you," I whispered as I scooted closer to him. His arms enveloped me immediately, and I relaxed into the amazing warmth his body produced. He was only wearing a thin t-shirt and pajama pants, but he felt like the sun.

"Are you going to sleep in here?" he asked as he kissed my neck.

"Yes. I don't care," I answered defiantly. He chuckled against my skin before nibbling at my ear lob. His tongue started tracing patterns just under my ear and I shivered.

In a matter of moments, our pants were off and we were spooning. Edward took his time kissing and caressing, and when he slipped into me from behind, it was ridiculously sweet. We moved slowly against each other, the room silent except for the rustling of the sheets and the soft slapping of skin. I reached behind me and gripped his ass, and Edward pressed his hand firmly against my low abdomen.

We both came soundlessly and then fell into a stupor. I barely remembered Edward pulling out before I dozed off, wrapped safely in his arms.


	36. Chapter 36

**So, here's the next chapter, and it's EPOV. This takes us back just a little bit, and it's sort of a recap of what's happened thus far in Edward's mind. I'll be posting the next chapter verrrry soon. Sorry if I didn't reply to your review, I've gotten pretty behind on that, but I read everyone single one, I promise!**

* * *

_Edward_

"So, you lookin' forward to your trip?" Dad asked as he locked the truck. We were heading into the auction house; it was a first for me. We weren't actually selling any of our cattle, but Dad was in the market for a new bull. He said he probably wouldn't buy one until spring, but he wanted to keep an eye out, just in case. The cattle trailer was hitched and ready if he did decide to bid.

"Yeah. I mean…I don't know much about Colorado," I told him, pulling my coat tighter around my neck.

"Well, I doubt the location is what you're really going for, am I right?" he asked, his eyes sparkling a little as he looked at me. He was a fairly stoic man, but he did like to joke around with me a lot.

"No, I guess not," I admitted before looking at him with a mischievous air. "I mean, I'm really hoping Renee will succumb to my charms soon…."

Dad's eyes shot to my face quickly, his mouth dropped open in what looked like amused shock before he let out a huge belly laugh.

"Shit, Edward," he said through his laughter. "That was a good one."

We both kept smiles on our faces for the next several seconds, and then Dad turned to me with a serious look on his face. He scrunched his eyebrows toward his nose, and I knew he was going to say something he really didn't want to.

"I have something I wanted to talk to you about," he began. "Um, this is uncomfortable, but…well, I know—I mean, I think—that you and Bella are probably…."

He made a weird motion with his hands that didn't really look like anything, but I was pretty sure what he was talking about, so I nodded along, feeling very uncomfortable.

"And it's just real important to your mom and me that you, you know, use protection."

His grey eyes darted away from me as we neared the entrance, so I wanted to put his mind at ease before we went inside and couldn't talk as easily.

"Don't worry, Dad," I told him, though my cheeks heated in embarrassment. "I'm, uh, taking care of things."

"Alright," he responded before nodding at a few guys he recognized.

The rest of the day was spent spotting different bulls, and a few calves, but we didn't bid. It was good for me to see how everything usually ran, though the place smelled like shit and there were too many people for my liking. Dad and I drove back home in a comfortable silence, and I couldn't stop grinning when I realized I only had two more days until we left for Colorado.

xXx

Staying the night at Bella's house was like a dream come true, and my worst nightmare. I didn't dare go near her room; all I could imagine was Charlie finding me and skinning me like a deer. I hated getting up so early, but I liked the way Bella looked all rumpled and puffy in the morning. It was bitterly cold out, so I had a good excuse for cuddling with her in the car—but Renee was pretty relaxed around us, so I didn't feel as awkward.

Flying for the first time was a pretty awesome experience. I felt like a little kid, but Bella just smiled along with me as I gazed out the small airplane window, watching the town and roads get further and further away. The Denver airport was…almost too much. I hated how many people were in there, I was totally unfamiliar with the setup of the place, and I was pretty damn exhausted.

Luckily, I was able to find Charlotte pretty easily, and the rotund woman looked at me in surprise when I deposited Bella at her feet. After the introductions were made, I felt pretty rattled by the attention she was giving me. She kept studying my face, and I felt like I should hide my body from her prying eyes. I felt horribly out of place, like I was starring in "Country Mouse Goes to the City."

I didn't get to see much of the city, though the sheer amount of people shocked me. I supposed since it was the holidays it was even worse than usual, but there were people milling about on every street corner. And there were literally people of every color. I'd grown up in a predominantly white town, and though I wasn't racist, I was still a little surprised when I saw many minorities.

Thankfully we got to nap when we got to Charlottes quaint home, and having Bella cuddled up behind me was pure magic. I rolled towards her and tried to pull her as close as I dared, at least for the moment, so I could imagine what it would be like to wake up next to her every day. I still worried that I would lose her, but when I saw the devotion in her eyes, I knew she was trying. I didn't doubt that she would at least try, and that was the most I could ask for.

I ate lunch in a bit of a haze, mostly due to how groggy I felt after my nap, so at first, when Charlotte pulled out a cigarette, I thought my sleepy mind just wasn't seeing it correctly. It definitely looked different, and when she lit it, it smelled different. Bella and Renee were both frozen, and I honestly had no clue what was happening. Bella stood up and took my plate to the sink, only a few feet away, and Renee politely asked Charlotte not to toke up in front of Bella.

I felt like an idiot for not realizing Charlotte was smoking weed, and then I felt a surge of adrenaline flow through my veins. I popped out of my chair and stood anxiously by Bella, who fortunately dragged me outside on the back porch. I took a few gulps of fresh air, and tried to calm down. I'd suddenly felt like I was doing something wrong, like committing a crime, and I worried that somehow my clothes would smell when I got home and Mom would know. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't quell my paranoia that quickly.

Bella was torn; I could see that she missed smoking, and while I didn't think it was the worst thing a person could do, I knew that she was working hard to be off of everything. I let her ramble about a hula hoop for a while, so she could distract herself, and then it was time to talk about the script. I took her hand and sat by her and hoped that whatever I heard from Charlotte would make me feel better about it all.

I listened to the two of them go over several scenes, and discuss the back-story for Shiri and Magdi for almost two hours, and I was pretty calm. Once Charlotte mentioned some of the making out scenes Bella would be doing, I immediately stiffened.

Charlotte tried to comfort me, but her words did nothing. I didn't care that it wasn't romantic and that it was all technical, it was still some dude's hands on my Bella's body! That was the only thing I could think of. No one else should be seeing or touching her besides me. I didn't care if that made me a Neanderthal, it was just the way I saw it.

Once Charlotte mentioned Bella needing a chaperone, I literally could hear nothing else. I didn't want to throw a tantrum in front of Charlotte or Renee, so I gripped my hair until it hurt, and just spit it, "This isn't cool. But you know that."

Thank God Viktor showed up at that moment and interrupted. I blushed furiously when he kissed my cheek, but it helped to break a little of the tension. Bella shoved me into the bedroom and sat on my lap, trying to convince me of how much she wanted me.

I didn't doubt that she loved me, or that she wanted me, I just had a hard time accepting someone else touching her. Bella spoke honestly and openly with me, and I could see that she meant it. I knew that she meant it.

"I think you're…I think you're the one. And kissing some loser in front of a camera won't change that. Believe me," she told me. My whole body felt like it was pulsing with electricity as I held her close to me. I buried my face in her hair and told her that I thought she was the one for me, too, and I meant it. God, I was scared, but I meant it.

Dinner was an experience, and I was pretty sure that Brazilian food was my new favorite. I hadn't ever even that much pure meat before, and I was suddenly wishing somehow Havre had a Brazilian restaurant. When we all got up from the table, Renee was swaying side to side and stumbling, so I put her hand on my elbow and tried to help her outside. Her eyes were glassy, and the three adults decided to call it a night.

I couldn't help but be nervous; I wasn't using to walking around at night in a city I was unfamiliar with. I kept imagining bad things happening to us, but Bella seemed so at ease, it helped calm me down a little. We eventually found a cool little venue to go into and I got to hold and kiss Bella in the dark for a couple of hours. Just being alone with her, even in the middle of a crowd, sent me into a tailspin. I kissed her and ran my hands up the back of her shirt until my fingertips settled just inside the waistband of her jeans. I pressed her against my hips as firmly as I could, and I made sure she knew she was mine.

And that I was hers.

We got home safely, and I'd only been in bed for a couple of minutes when I heard my door open. I waited and felt someone sit on the bed by me, and I knew it was Bella. She crawled in and cuddled with me, and when I asked her why, she told me her mom smelled. I had no idea what she was talking about until she said she thought they'd smoked when they got back.

I had a feeling that Bella was in there with me as a way of getting back at Renee, but the truth was, I enjoyed having her there with me too much to point that out. I didn't care if it was revenge, I wanted to wake up with her in the morning.

And making love to her was icing on the cake. I'd definitely never had sex in that position before, and it was one of the most intimate things we'd done. I loved being able to feel every point of her body shaped and molded to mine as I moved inside of her. I fell asleep immediately, gripping her tighter to my chest.


	37. Chapter 37

**Told you the next chapter would be up soon! Back to BPOV.**

* * *

My mother's voice woke me the next morning. It was startlingly close to me, and as I came to, I was instantly aware of the fact that Edward and I were both naked from the waist down below the covers.

"Isabella Hale! I cannot believe you slept in here! What would your father say?" she scolded me. "You know better."

I tried not to be distracted by Edward's morning wood against my ass or the way he was snoring softly into my hair.

"Well, you were hogging the bed and you stunk!" I retorted quickly, my voice raising with my anger.

"Stunk?" She genuinely looked perplexed.

"Yeah, how'd you like getting high? Nice, huh?" I asked sharply.

"Bella, I didn't get high—I promise. Charlotte and Viktor did, but I didn't. I promise. If I smelled like that, it was just from where I sat with them. Honestly," she explained. I was surprised by the vulnerability on her face. She looked genuinely worried that I thought less of her, or that I was upset at her.

"I believe you," I finally told her after searching her brown eyes. "What time is it?"

"A quarter after eight," she answered, her eyes studiously ignoring the sleeping man behind me.

"We'll get up in a minute," I said.

"Okay," she responded as she stood from her crouch. "I'll pretend that I wasn't just standing on your discarded underwear."

I moved forward to peer over the side of the mattress, and sure enough, there were my panties. Mom had a pained look on her face as she exited the room. I let Edward sleep for a few more minutes and then I nudged him with my elbow until he woke up.

His hand immediately slid down to the apex of my thighs, even though he was still half-asleep. I was pretty sure he could have sex in his sleep. The feeling of his fingers against me almost made me want a quickie, but I knew it wasn't the best idea. I shoved his hand away roughly, and he finally woke up.

Once he realized where he was, he smiled lazily at me and threw one leg over my waist.

"This is nice," he said into my ear. I had to agree, but I reached over and grabbed my panties and started getting dressed. This resulted in Edward making an adorable whining sound, but then he threw the covers off of himself and I got to see him in all his glory. I bit my lip and looked away, hoping I wouldn't be too distracted to continue with my morning, and I heard him getting dressed behind me.

We both took a moment to brush out teeth before we wondered down the kitchen, where there were more voices than we expected. Mom, Charlotte and Viktor were all standing there, drinking coffee, but the sight of Makenna Erickson so early in the morning made me look twice.

"Isabella," she said with a nod and a smirk. I could feel Edward looming behind me, and Makenna's eyes immediately shot to his tall form. "And this must be Edward."

I heard Edward made a strangling noise, and I looked over my shoulder to see that his face was a darker crimson than I'd ever seen. I didn't know whether to give the poor boy a cold rag to cool off with or point at his adorable-ness. I settled for reaching back and squeezing his hand.

"Hi, Makenna," I told her amiably, but my voice was a little too thick with sleep to sound normal. "Long time no see."

She nodded, her smirk still in place. Makenna was definitely a great actress, but she was a bit pretentious. I didn't doubt that she could bring the Magdi character to life, but I probably wouldn't really enjoy any time with her off set.

Edward and I awkwardly both got cups of coffee, and Makenna went back into the story she was telling. It was evident that she wasn't as taken with Edward's boy-next-door charms as Charlotte was. I could also tell that she wasn't too impressed with me; she probably gave Charlotte a mouthful when she found out I was cast. I wasn't exactly known for doing low-budget, gritty, character-driven, familial dramas.

The great part about being me at this point in my career was that no one had any expectations for me. Everyone expected me to fail, so when I acted my ass off and made this film work, the naysayers would have to be quiet. At least for a time.

Edward seemed to sense the simmering ire settling in my bones, and he tried to put me more at ease. After Mom quietly asked what we did the night before, we told them about the venue we'd found in downtown and what time we'd gotten in. Mom looked a little worse for the wear, but not too hungover. She continuously glared at Makenna for seemingly no reason, so I assumed something happened before Edward and I came into the kitchen.

Charlotte and Viktor offered to make breakfast for everyone, so Edward and I both went to shower. Separately, of course. Mom actually came down the hall to check, or so I thought, but then she shut the bathroom door behind her and leaned against the edge of the sink. She looked away as I undressed and didn't start talking until I was safely ensconced in the shower.

"I really don't like her," she spat. "She's…she's stuck up."

"Who? Makenna?" I asked as I lathered my hair. "She's always like that. She's gotten a lot of recognition. It just comes with the territory. Most actresses are bitches."

"Yes, but she acts like she's never made a mistake in her life," Mom continued to rant.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, she just had the nerve to say—and in front of me, too—that she didn't think Charlotte should've given you a chance," she said with a growl. "Like she was little miss perfect when she was sixteen years old!"

"Mom, it's fine. It's not like no one's ever said anything bad about me before," I pointed out. "It comes with the territory."

I ran the conditioner through my ends and pulled out any tangles that had settled in.

"And now poor Edward has to sleep on the couch!" she added suddenly.

"So, she's staying the night?" I inquired.

"Yes. Poor Edward," she reiterated.

"Mom, I'm sure he won't care. He's gone camping and slept on the ground before, I think he'll be fine."

"Well, that doesn't make it right."

I turned the water off and I barely made out Mom's shape standing through the curtain.

"I'll give you some privacy. Maybe I should check on Edward. He seemed so embarrassed in the kitchen," she said in a low voice.

"That's a good idea," I told her. I heard the door shut behind her, and I pushed open the curtain to grab a towel. I started patting the water off my legs, and couldn't help but notice the way my stomach rolled as I bent over. I stayed in the position and looked down, poking and pinching the fleshy spot until I felt a little depressed and stood up. I started to wrap the towel around me to cover myself, but I decided to just bite the bullet.

Truthfully, I hadn't really looked at myself naked since I started wearing my size sixes. I was happy with Edward, I felt good about myself, but I still didn't want to look at the difference twenty-five pounds made on my small frame. I looked in the mirror, and while I didn't necessarily love what I saw, I certainly didn't hate it. My breasts were much fuller than they had been; I had gone up a full cup size. My stomach had a slight curve to it, but it was still smooth looking when I stood up straight. My hips were a little wider and gave me more of an hourglass shape. I turned to the side and saw that my ass was perky and round and I could almost see why Edward liked to grab it so much.

With a sigh, I continued drying off and got dressed. There was no point in worrying now; I knew I wouldn't be able to lose very much weight before shooting began, especially with the holidays looming. I put on a little makeup and put some mousse in my hair. I didn't feel like drying it, and it waved nicely when it air-dried.

I exited the room to find my mom and Edward chatting by the door, and I smiled at both of them. I reached out and poked Edward in the side before depositing my dirty clothes in my duffel bag.

"Breakfast ready?" I asked, patting my tummy appreciatively.

"Almost," Edward responded, his eyes watching my hand as it moved across my stomach. His hair was still wet and in total disarray, but I was sad to see he'd shaved. Mom made a face and grumbled that her stomach was a little too upset to eat.

"Just remember this feeling the next time you start to drink too much," I told her mock-seriously. She managed a sort of grimace/smile combo and accompanied us down the hall.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you," she said as we entered the room. "Edward and I are going to do some shopping while you guys go over movie stuff."

"I wanted to go shopping, too!" I whined.

"Relax, we'll go in Denver tomorrow; we're just hitting some little shops in Boulder. He'll help me pick out Christmas presents," she said with a wink. I looked at Edward and saw that he seemed pretty comfortable with spending the day with my mother. Of course, the way Makenna kept smirking and rolling her eyes at us both made me wish I could leave the house, too.

After eating a delicious breakfast of homemade crepes, fruit and yogurt, Edward and Mom headed out. I waved wistfully at them, and turned back around to face Makenna. She was a petite woman—only an inch taller than me—and in her mid-twenties, but there was something about her that was…just pure condescension. She walked taller, she spoke clearer and she was a major elitist. I attempted to push my personal feelings toward her away so that I could focus on the script, but it wasn't easy.

Charlotte sat us down in the living room and started going over the background for our characters again. Viktor popped his head in after cleaning up the kitchen and said goodbye for the day, but promised to return later.

After talking about some of the character details, Charlotte started to describe the way she was intending to film.

"I'm doing almost all handheld, and I want this to be gritty, and real—think _21 Grams, Thirteen, _uh_, Children of Men_," she rattled off, and I was thankful I'd already seen all three films. I nodded along as Makenna just took all the information in coolly, her expression staying blank.

"Okay, I wanted to talk to you both about wardrobe," Charlotte began. She flipped through the pages of her open notebook and wrote both of our names down. "We don't have a lot of money to spend, but I am going to have the costume designer do some shopping. I wanted to get fittings done while you were here, but that didn't really work out. Just give me your measurements and she can pick through everything. You'll both probably wear some of your own stuff, alright? Just make sure it isn't too, um, you know expensive looking. These are two girls struggling to live in Pittsburgh, so keep that in mind when you pack."

I immediately started cataloguing the clothes I had and what might work as Makenna rattled off her sizes. I tried not to listen, especially since I was still in a weird place about my own body, and I didn't want to compare myself to her.

"Bella?" Charlotte asked, her pen poised above her paper.

"Um, well, I wanted to lose a little weight before, but I doubt that's going to happen," I hedged. Charlotte smiled widely.

"I think you look great, honey! I'm so glad you're not that sickly little stick anymore," she encouraged.

"Okay, uh, well I'm wearing, um sixes in jeans—or about a twenty-seven inch waist," I said quietly as she scribbled. I saw another one of Makenna's patented eye rolls, but I ignored her. "Bust is thirty-three inches, uh, hips are thirty-five."

"Inseam?" Charlotte questioned.

"Twenty-eight," I responded. I nervously smoothed my shirt down over my slightly pudgy stomach self-consciously.

"Perfect!" Charlotte said enthusiastically. "Now, hair—Bella, I love what you've got going here. Very Anne Hathaway in _Rachel Getting Married_. Makenna, would you be willing to color yours back darker?"

Makenna looked at Charlotte in surprise. Her hair was past her shoulders, and a creamy honey color, though not naturally. Makenna was actually a plethora of different ethnicities, and her quarter-Filipino roots gave her almost black hair naturally. I was surprised that a white girl like me could look so much like her younger sister, but I had to admit, I thought we would work well cast as siblings.

"You want me to change my hair to look more like Isabella's?" she asked, her eyebrows rising. Charlotte nodded. "But, I'm the lead."

"And I'm the director," Charlotte said in a tone I hadn't heard before. I'd been on enough sets, and worked with enough directors to know that they had to make sure they retained control. Stars would walk all over them if the directors weren't a little more hard-nosed, so it was nice to see Charlotte stepping up to the plate. Makenna nodded.

"I'll have it done," she said in her monotone voice. Charlotte looked appeased, and moved on to tell us about some of the scenes she was excited to shoot. "Now, Makenna will be leaving for a few days to go to Sundance, so we'll probably finish shooting your scenes while she's gone, Bella. You should be wrapped by the 22nd! Edward will be glad to have you home, I'm sure."

She smiled softly at me, showing me that she was being genuine.

"I've been meaning to ask about him," Makenna suddenly interrupted. "So, he's from Montana?"

"Yep, born and raised," I answered. "He lives on a cattle ranch."

Makenna had what looked like amusement in her eyes as she looked at me. "Wow. So, he's not into acting or anything?"

"No, not at all."

"He's got an amazing face. And those eyes—those need to be on film, don't you think?" she asked, her voice changing to a tone I didn't recognize. "He is quite the catch, Isabella. How old is he?"

"Seventeen," Charlotte jumped in. "And he's just crazy about this one. You should've seen them together yesterday. So adorable."

Charlotte's words seemed innocent enough, but she hardened her voice as she spoke, and seemed to be sending Makenna a secret message.

"I'm sure," Makenna finally said after looking back at Charlotte. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking and trying to get to know each other a little better. It was difficult since Makenna simultaneously refused to reveal any person information, and acted like she knew everything about me already.

By the time the back door opened and Edward and Mom walked in, I was ready to head back to Montana. I loved Charlotte, but Makenna was getting on my last nerve. I jumped off of the couch and ran to greet them both in the kitchen. I squeezed Mom's arm and stretched up on my tiptoes to kiss Edward on the cheek.

"Is everything okay?" Mom asked, her eyes looking over my relieved expression.

"Yep, great. I'm just glad to see you guys," I answered. Edward slid his arm over my shoulder and I leaned into the soft flannel wrapped around him. He had a flannel shirt for everyday of the week, though the one he was wearing was one of my favorites. It was a perfect green color that made his eyes glow. The dark grey Henley underneath brought out the silver flecks in his eyes, as well.

I'd always been attracted to "pretty boys," and while Edward did indeed have a pretty face, he was a lot more rugged and low maintenance than guys I'd been with before. He didn't care that his boots were constantly covered in mud. He didn't care that his shirt had a hole in it. He didn't care that his jeans weren't the right kind of wash, or even remotely fashionable. He was just himself, and that was one of my favorite things about him.

"Look, I talked Edward into letting me buy this for him," my mother interrupted as she fished a navy blue item out of a bag. It was thickly knit shawlneck sweater with two toggles near the collar. It was a gorgeous, though I had a harder time picture Edward in it.

"It's beautiful—but will you wear it?" I asked him. He looked at my mom for a second before turning back to me.

"Of course," he said firmly.

"Good. So, you guys had a good time?" I asked as I clutched Edward's new sweater to my chest. It was ridiculously soft, and I couldn't wait for him to wear it so I could snuggle up to him.

"We had a great time, and I managed to get a few good presents," Mom told me. She headed to our room to put away her shopping bags, and I took advantage of the moment. I looped my arms around Edward's neck and pulled myself up to kiss him. His hands rested against my lower back and pressed me tight against his chest. A noise distracted me and I pulled back to see Makenna moving around the kitchen, saying nothing to either of us. She eventually left the room, still without a word, and Edward sighed heavily in my ear.

"I don't like her," he told me, echoing Mom from earlier. "She's sorta…creepy."

"I know. And boy, has she been a load of fun this afternoon," I told him in a fake-cheery voice. "Did you get your stuff out of the guest room?"

"Nah, not yet," he answered, his hands still wrapped around my back.

"You can put it in our room for now, if you want," I informed him as I pulled back and led him out of the kitchen. He agreed and grabbed his small bag from the room before depositing it on the floor of my and Mom's. She was perched on the bed with her laptop out, and didn't look up at us.

"Oh, that reminds me," Edward said as he looked down at the computer. "Renee, will you try to find those pictures?"

"Sure! Just give me a sec," she said as she opened a new tab.

"What pictures?" I inquired as I sat down on the bed beside Mom. Edward sat on the other side of her, and we waited for a page to load.

"Alice called and said that there were some pictures of us from last night on some blogs," he responded nonchalantly. He didn't seem bothered by it at all. A bright pink page finally came up, and sure enough, there were over a dozen grainy cell phone pictures of Edward and I at the music venue.

Most of them were of us making out, which was mildly embarrassing since Mom was sitting right there, but a few were of us talking, and then there were numerous of Edward by himself. It was wrong that he could look so good just standing there, but I knew it wasn't his fault.

"Hmm," Mom said as she clicked through. "Well, these aren't bad, I don't think. And since they were taken here, obviously not by professionals, I don't think we have to worry about anything."

"I agree," I said, almost laughing when Mom clicked on one picture to enlarge it. It was painfully obvious that Edward's hands were tucked somewhat into the back of my jeans, and as I looked at my mom's reaction, I saw that she was stifling a laugh as well. Edward's face was red, but he was definitely taking it all in stride. I was proud of him for not freaking out. It also gave me hope that he would get used to being in the spotlight from time to time because of me.

"Sorry to interrupt the family bonding," Charlotte said jokingly, "but I wanted to know if you guys wanted to go out for dinner again tonight, or just eat here?"

"It's up to you," Mom answered. "I don't want you to have to cook for all of us, and if Makenna wants to get out and see Boulder, that's fine with me."

Edward and I nodded along, and Charlotte looked like she was deliberating for a second. "Let's go out then. There's a Mediterranean restaurant that's really good."

She backed out of the room, and I tossed Edward's new sweater to him. "You should wear this!"

He laughed as he held it up. "Okay, I will."

Mom beamed as she looked at her screen, seemingly pleased that he was wearing her gift immediately after getting it. I just hoped we all made it through the night without any drama. I wasn't looking forward to hanging out with Makenna for the evening, but I needed to let go of my bitterness toward her, and just try to have a good time.


	38. Chapter 38

**Another update! This one switches back to EPOV. I hope you all like it! Thanks again for reading, it really means a lot to me.**

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_Edward_

I felt completely out of place. I was standing in a room with not just one, but two famous actresses, in my pajamas. I was embarrassed, especially when Makenna looked at me so smugly, but Bella tried to make me feel more at ease. It wasn't until Renee came and got me after I was ready for the day and recommended that she and I get out of there.

"We don't need to sit around, listening to them go over all this production stuff," she insisted. "We can go shopping—you'll help me pick out some gifts, won't you?"

She looked so excited about getting out of the house, and I pushed away my former discomfort and agreed. After bidding Bella goodbye, we headed out to the Charlotte's car and drove downtown. It was almost too cold for the amount of walking we were doing, but I just pulled my coat closed and tried to ignore it. My flannel shirt was warm, but it wasn't that warm. I usually only went outside when it was this cold to work on the farm, and my body heat rose with the labor.

"So, I guess this is where a lot of the shops are," Renee informed me as she parked on a side street and pointed to an intersection. "Up there is the, uh, Pearl Street Mall I think it is, and there's a ton of shops."

"Okay," I agreed; I was mostly just along for the ride. I was happy to be away from movie talk for a little while, and hoped that inspiration would strike and I'd find something awesome for Bella.

We walked by a large outdoor square where people were playing all different kinds of music in each corner. Bella was right, it was a hippie town. It was a lot different during the day than it had been the night before, and I enjoyed taking in the sights in the daylight.

Renee immediately pulled me into a large clothing store that was littered with pictures of naked people on the walls. All of the clothing racks had small photos of girls and guys wearing the item on the rack—and little else. I felt strangely intrigued but sort of dirty, especially when a looming mural of what appeared to be an orgy drew my attention from the back.

"What is this place?" I asked quietly, unsure if I wanted to touch anything. I'd lived in a small town my entire life, and this felt like it was bordering on some sort of weird sex club or satanic cult.

"American Apparel," Renee said nonchalantly as she walked up to a rack of itty-bitty shorts. "Jas loves this store."

I shuddered a little and she laughed.

"Edward, it's okay. It's hard to get used to, but just focus on the clothes and you'll be fine," she told me.

"Hmm," I murmured noncommittally. Nothing had caught my eye, apart from the exposed nipples of various girls, so I wasn't sure what Jas liked so much about the store. Renee pulled a dark green vest thing off a hanger and held it up.

"What do you think?" she asked. I surveyed the item, unsure if it was supposed to be for Jas or not, and shrugged.

"Uh, sure!" I said in a mock-bright tone. I glanced at the small photo on the rack and saw a guy with long hair like Jas's wearing the item over a button up shirt. Truthfully, I could see Jas wearing something like that. So I tried to give a more enthusiastic response. "I think he'd like it. And, uh, green is cool."

Renee nodded at my assessment and draped the item over her arm; meanwhile, I rolled my eyes at myself. "Green is cool." I sounded like a robot. Or perhaps socially stunted.

"Edward, you'd look great in something like this," she said as she tugged the sleeve of what looked like a striped sailor shirt. I furrowed my brows at it. "You always wear those flannel shirts. What do you wear in the summer?"

"Just t-shirts, I guess," I responded intelligently. I was really impressing her with my wit, I was sure.

"Well, look, here's a bunch of different colors," she said, clearly trying to be helpful. I looked at the rack of plain t-shirts and shrugged once more.

"I can a pack of four at Chris's for like, ten bucks," I told her. She blinked a few times before looking back at me.

"What's Chris's?"

"A shop in Havre. That's where I get my clothes," I told her, trying to ignoring the bustling crowd that suddenly appeared behind us. Out of nowhere came a group of androgynous boys with Mohawks and makeup on and swarmed the shirts we were standing by.

"Is that the place that has the hunting gear?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah," I responded as I maneuvered my way out of the small crowd.

"Edward! You can't buy your clothes at the same place you buy a hunting rifle," she chastised me.

"I've gotten my stuff there since I was a kid," I tried to explain. "So does my dad."

She opened her mouth like she was going to argue, but instead waved her hand dismissively through the air. She continued looking around and ended up getting a couple other shirts for Jas, and a little dress thing for Alice.

"Do you know what size your sister wears?" she questioned.

"Uh, I don't know…maybe, like…a size smaller than Bella?" I replied in a question. She nodded along, like I'd actually said something worthwhile. We finally got out of the crowded store and I breathed easier in the cold, mountain air. We ducked into a few small shops and Renee found these little decorative pots for my mom that I actually thought she'd love. I volunteered to be the bag carrier and we moved on to another big clothing store.

"Now this is one of Bella's favorite stores," she told me and I was immediately interested. I looked around, noting the lack of naked pictures, and felt a little more at ease. "It's three levels, so take your time. I'll come find you in a little while."

I nodded and started my perusal through the section of women's clothes on the main floor. I really had no intention of buying anything like that for Bella, but I wanted to keep my eyes peeled just in case. A little hat caught my eye and I picked it up to look more closely. It looked like a knit beanie, but when I touched it, I realized it was actually stiff. It was a tan color with a little cream bow on the side, and I knew Bella would be the cutest thing I'd ever seen in it.

I had to get it, and after making sure there weren't different sizes to sift through, I held it tightly in my hand and meandered up a floor. It looked to be all men's clothing, except for a corner that said "Clearance". I went to the top floor and was surprised to find furniture, wall art and books. I walked around, a little flabbergasted by some of the titles, but then I found a little black journal with a lightning bolt on the cover. I opened it and saw that each page had another little bolt, and I had to get that for Bella as well. There was nothing necessarily significant about it, but I just knew I needed to buy it.

I ran into Renee as I headed back down the steps, and she held up a blue sweater. "Edward, this is perfect for you!"

There wasn't anything wrong with it, though I wasn't sure that it was the most practical thing I could get. I couldn't really imagine that many scenarios where I would need a nice sweater like that, so I just shrugged once more.

"Oh, come on, come over here," she said as she led me back to the rack she got it from. "Do you like the blue, or do you like one of these colors better?"

I didn't want a purple sweater, and I didn't feel like paying close attention to the others, so I replied, "Blue is great."

"Perfect. I won't wrap it or anything, obviously, since it's not really a surprise. I'm glad you like it," she said with a wide smile on her face. I was glad to see her spirits up; she'd been in a funk before we came on this trip, but I hadn't really taken the time to talk to Bella about it. "Is that stuff for Bella?"

"Uh, yeah," I said as I held the hat and the journal out for her to see. "What do you think?"

"Well, Bella will love that," she said as she pointed at the journal, "and this will look absolutely adorable on her! Did you get anything for Alice?"

"No, she and I don't really do much for gifts for each other," I told her.

"You know what would be a great gift for her? A gift card for here," she said as we walked through the racks of clothes. "Then she can just shop online."

I nodded again, thinking it sounded like a good idea. I saw a large display of flannel shirts and stopped to look at them.

"Oh, Edward. I should've known you'd want one of these," she said with a sigh. I reached out and touched one of the sleeves before shaking my head.

"Nah, these aren't very thick. They wouldn't be warm, or sturdy enough to work in," I told her.

"Yeah, I don't think their stuff here is for work around the ranch," she mused. We made our way to the registers, and I grabbed a gift card from a little display rack before checking out. Renee was buying my sweater at the register beside me, and when I heard the cashier say the total, I wanted to tell her not to get it for me.

"Your total is one-seventy-four and twenty-five cents," the young girl said casually. Renee handed her a card without batting an eyelash, but I was too embarrassed to say anything. I realized the cashier assisting me had already said my total, as well, so I had to ask him to repeat it. I fished my money out of my wallet and handed it over, still in shock over what Renee had bought me.

I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even say anything to her. I just walked outside and let her carry an almost two hundred dollar sweater with her. I would have to wear the damn thing every day to relieve some of my guilt.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I saw that Alice was calling. "Hello?"

"Hey, brother," she said in a chirp.

"Hey, sister. What's goin' on?"

"Nothing. It looks like you're having a good time," she told me. I stopped walking and looked around, half-expecting her to leap out from behind a building.

"Uh, what?"

"There are a bunch of pictures of you and Belle circulating the web," she told me. "I'm assuming from last night."

"What are they?"

"Ah, just you two talking, some of you kissing, and then a bunch of you by yourself."

"Just me?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I think you're getting a cult following or something," she said.

"Why?"

"Oh, because you're sooo hunky," she teased. "I just wanted to let you know so you could check it out. What are you doing?"

"I'm shopping with Renee," I replied.

Alice was silent for a beat. "You're shopping? With Renee? Where's Bella?"

"She's going over script stuff with Charlotte, and Makenna showed up this morning," I informed her.

"You met Makenna Erickson! That's so cool."

"Yeah…she's kinda…weird, though."

"Weird how?" Renee suddenly backtracked and went into a bookstore.

"I'll tell you later, Ali. I should go," I said, not really wanting to get into what I thought of Makenna and her weird glaring from this morning.

"Okay, well, have a good time!"

I found Renee looking at two books at the back of the store. She turned to me and held them up.

"I heard these are good," she told me. "I think I'll get them for Bella."

She had _Pride and Prejudice and Zombies_ in one hand, and _Sense and Sensibilities and Sea Monsters_ in the other. I gave her a thumbs-up and followed her to the front of the store.

"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," she said as we stood in line. "I'm just hoping that you're prepared for what things might be like down the road."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if this film does well, Bella might be making a lot more appearances and doing a lot of promoting. There are going to be times where you can go with her—I mean, if your parents say it's okay—but there will probably be a lot of times where you won't be able to. Or, if you do go, she might not have time to really talk to you," she said. "Does that make sense?"

"Not really," I admitted.

"Well, for instance, if Bella has a premiere, do you want to walk the red carpet with her? Are you going to go to her premiere at all? You can skip the red carpet and wait for her inside, or Jas can be her escort. And then she'll probably do a lot of festivals, and it just wouldn't work for you to go with her, most likely," she explained. I nodded, somewhat understanding what she was trying to tell me.

"It's just that, you're both so young, and I don't know if you want to get into all the…business of her job. I don't know, I guess I just want to make sure you're ready."

She gripped my arm in concern, and I tried to put her at ease. "Don't worry about it. Bella and I have talked about some stuff, and I'm sure she'll explain more to me when the time comes."

Her face relaxed and she gave me a warm smile; it looked so much like Bella's it was uncanny. "Oh! And guess what the rest of Bella's Christmas present is!"

"Uh, I have no idea."

"I'm hoping to be able to take you and Alice for a weekend to Pennsylvania while she's shooting! Wouldn't that be great?" she asked excitedly. I was positively giddy in a second and laughed out loud.

"That would be awesome!" I told her. "Have you talked to my mom about it yet?"

"Not yet. I think I'll call her later this evening. I hope she says yes," she said. "Bella will flip out."

I nodded along, suddenly feeling a lot better about the impending separation. If I could visit her, even just for a couple of days, it would make everything so much easier. After purchasing the books, Renee was ready to head back home. We chatted on the way and I mentioned that Alice said there were some pictures of us online. We got closer to Charlotte's house and grew quieter. I was ready to see Bella again, but something about Makenna made me feel really uneasy, and I wasn't looking forward to spending any time with her. With a deep breath, I got out of the car and headed inside.


	39. Chapter 39

**So, here's another one for ya - I guess I could say this is a double header day. This one is back to Bella's POV, and we get out of Colorado and head back to Havre for the holidays. Things will move pretty fast from here on out, just to forewarn you. I'm sure a lot of you will be relieved within a few paragraphs, as well. :)**

* * *

My eyelashes fluttered several times before I was able to focus on anything. I could see Edward's disheveled hair just inches from my face, and I tried to remember where we were. I rolled onto my back and realized we were in the room Mom and I had been sharing, but she was no where in sight. I also realized, as I tried to stretch, that I was still wearing my jeans. A surreptitious glance under the covers showed me that Edward was just as clothed as I was.

I reached for my phone on the nightstand and saw that it was only six o'clock, so I chose to snuggle against Edward for a while longer. Mom wanted to leave around nine so we could shop for a few hours in Denver before flying out this evening. I tried to remember where she ended up sleeping before flashes of the night before came back to me.

We'd all gone out to dinner, and Edward and I were coerced into riding with Makenna. Once we got to the restaurants, the adults all ordered drinks and the night quickly slipped into a repeat of the night before. Makenna was actually pretty cool when she was drunk, and Mom was yet again trying to keep up with Viktor. By the time we finished, Edward and I were the only ones able to drive. I had to take Charlotte's car, which she and Viktor rode in with me, even though I didn't have my license.

Edward drove Makenna and my mother back, where the adults managed to crack open even more liquor. Apart from Makenna making some comments in front of Edward that made him blush and me get angry, she was on her best behavior.

At Charlotte's, Mom passed out on the couch, Makenna passed out on her bed, and I heard suspicious noises coming from the back porch where Charlotte and Viktor were, so Edward and I just went to bed. We must've been exhausted since neither of us even bothered to change. Remembering how drunk Mom was made me laugh, but I tried not to make a sound and wake Edward. Unfortunately, my giggles shook the bed, and he stirred beside me. He tightened his arm around me and slid his leg between mine, but I could tell he was confused. He rubbed his jean clad leg back and forth against mine before finally opening his eyes.

"What—what is this?" he slurred. I couldn't help but laugh more and cuddle closer to him. He moved his arm to look under the covers. "I hate sleeping in jeans."

"We must've been tired last night," I told him as I kissed his throat. "We didn't even try any hanky-panky."

"Mmm, hanky-panky…oh, God, do you remember what we heard last night? Out on the porch?" he asked suddenly. "I thin I might've seen something, too."

He shuddered as I continued to laugh at him, distinctly remembering the groan, moans and Russian curses spewing from the balcony. The bedroom door opened with a small crash, and I raised my head to see Mom stumbling in. Her hair was matted to her face and her makeup was smeared below her eyes. She looked at us both blearily for a second before speaking.

"I thought I told you no more sleeping together," she said in a raspy voice. I pulled one leg out from under the covers and waved it at her.

"We're fully clothed, Mom," I responded. "What'd you expect? You slept on Edward's bed."

"Oh," she said slowly. "Uh. Yeah."

She marched to the bathroom and brushed her teeth with the door open, and then walked back out of the room without another word. Edward shrugged under the covers, and the two of us cocooned tightly for the remainder of the morning.

Charlotte graciously drove us into Denver and shopped with us for a while after we bid adieu to Viktor and Makenna. Both looked good for how wild they got the night before, but poor Mom was wearing her sunglasses inside. After meandering fruitlessly for a couple of hours, we were all ready to get to the airport. Honestly, I was just dying to get home. I didn't find anything I wanted to buy, and I'd already ordered everyone's Christmas presents. I was a horrendous gift-giver, and never did a good job picking things out, but I hoped Jas and Edward would like their gifts.

The flight back felt long, and the drive home even longer. Edward was asleep beside me, and Mom kept rolling her window down to stay awake. It was only ten o'clock when we arrived, but we were exhausted. The three of us walked in and plopped onto the dining room chairs before realizing we were supposed to take Edward home.

"Charlie," Mom whined. "Please drive him. I can't. I just can't."

Dad had a quizzical look on his face and turned to me for my input.

"Mom partied a little too hard. She's not twenty anymore," I told him. Mom swiped her hand at me like she could knock my words out of the air. I laughed, which was the wrong thing to do, but she only glared at me as she shuffled down to her bedroom.

"Uh, well, let's go then," Dad said as he grabbed his coat. Edward and I both stood dutifully and braved the cold night once more. The ride was quiet apart from the few times Dad asked about the trip. I stole a tiny kiss from Edward when we dropped him off, with plans to see him the next night. Both of our families wanted to spend Christmas morning alone, so we were getting together the night before to exchange gifts. Both of us were realizing how soon it would be before I was gone to Pennsylvania, and I didn't want to waste any time.

"So, you two are pretty serious, huh?" Dad's gruff voice asked, pulling me from my stupor.

"Yeah," I replied as I blushed. "You could say that."

"How's he handling you leaving soon?"

"As well as can be expected, I think," I told him honestly. He hummed in response, letting the conversation die, but I wasn't ready. "Dad? Do you think it's possible for, um, you know…first love to last?"

He studied the illuminated road intently as he thought about his answer. "It is possible. I've known a few couples that made it last for a long time."

"Do you think it's possible in my line of work?"

"I won't say it's impossible. I think…I mean, your mother and I aren't actors, obviously, but we've, uh, lasted," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed. "So what'd you and Jas do while we were gone?"

"Ah, Jas and Alice went on some dates and I just hung around the house."

"Do you get lonely here?"

"Sometimes," he said begrudgingly, like he didn't want me to know.

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to go back to work," I told him. "It wouldn't upset me."

"Really?" he asked.

"Definitely. Just don't stay away too long," I said as I looked out the window. It was almost a little too mushy for me to say, but I wanted him to know that I did like having him around more. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye.

The next day was a nice, lazy family day. We ate a ridiculously late breakfast, followed by a lunch that was practically dinner, and by the time Edward and Alice showed up, we were just getting started. Mom made a large pot of hot chocolate as we paired off to exchange presents. Edward and I sat close on the couch and I nervously handed his gift over.

I was never good at guessing what to buy a person, but I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when Edward's eyes lit up. I got him a few Criterion Collection DVDs and a pair of nice work gloves. I thought he would appreciate getting something practical along with something fun.

"These are awesome," he said as he shoved his right hand into the thick leather glove. "So are the movies. I think we should have another marathon—what do you say? A Wes Anderson New Years?"

I nodded along with his suggestion, but felt a small pinprick in my heart when I thought of the holiday. I would be leaving only a couple of days later. It was easier for me to just ignore it and pretend like nothing bad was coming up.

Edward shyly handed me a small wrapped box, and I opened it to find an awesome notebook and a beautiful hat. I immediately placed the latter item on my head and Edward's smile widened.

"It looks great," he told me sincerely. I leaned forward and kissed him.

"Thank you," I said in between pecks. "I love my gifts."

"And I love mine," he responded before pulling me tighter against his chest. The hat fell off my head as we kissed a little more insistently before he moved his lips to my ear. "I love you."

"I love you, too, babe," I said as I pressed my face into the crook of his neck. His arms were wrapped out me, and I felt safe and snug and protected. I didn't want to leave his embrace, but before we knew it, hours had passed, and he and Alice had to leave. Their grandparents had just arrived that afternoon, so with another lingering kiss, Edward left. I walked despondently back to my room, all of my Christmas cheer gone as I imagined what January would be like apart from him.

And I knew it wouldn't just be January; I would have to start doing promoting starting in May. Charlotte was determined to have the film edited and ready to go by Cannes, and I would most likely be busy through the fall with it. I had no idea if I'd even be able to do my senior year in Havre, or if I'd have to home school. I hadn't broken any of that news to Edward yet, and I was determined to put it off. He would only worry himself sick if he knew what all was in store for us.

I awoke early on Christmas morning, excited but a little sad. I'd enjoyed sleeping in the same bed as Edward the past two nights, so I felt very lonely waking up without him. I knew it would be a heck of a long time before I got that opportunity again, and that just made me feel worse.

My family all got up and poured cups of coffee before descending on the family room and exchanging gifts. I ordered Jas a few old records that were in mint condition, and I was rewarded with one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen on his face. He got me an iPad which surprised me, but he said it would be easier for me to tote around on set when I had to do schoolwork, or just wanted to chat with people back home.

Mom and Dad opened their matching gifts from us—they truly had everything already, so Jas and I decided to go the funny route—and both snickered when they pulled out their zebra print Snuggies. Dad actually looked a little embarrassed, but Mom put hers on immediately.

"It really is nice," she commented as she reached for her coffee cup. "See? Comfy, and useful."

Mom and Dad gave Jas some clothes, and I got some books, but then Mom handed me a small envelope. Inside was a note, handwritten by her but in a pretty fancy script, that informed me that Edward and Alice would be joining me in Pennsylvania for the second weekend in January. There were tears in my eyes as I leaned into Mom's Snuggie-covered body and hugged her fiercely. Jas was pretty excited, too, and both of us chattered about what we could possibly do, if I found enough time off set.

We ate breakfast and stared out the windows at the snow that was falling, giving us a true white Christmas. It was barely noon, and I wasn't going to call Edward until tonight so I didn't interrupt anything, so I was at a loss as to what to do.

"So, it would be a little bit of a hike," Mom began as she cleared our plates. "But, I was thinking we could walk to the far side of the property and go sledding," she suggested. I was immediately intrigued, despite how far we'd have to walk.

"Do we have sleds?" I asked.

"There were a few plastic sleds left in the shed about halfway out, so we can get those," she replied excitedly. I jumped out my chair and ran down the hall toward my bedroom.

"I'm going to get dressed!" I shouted behind me. I heard Dad grumble a little, but he, too, got bundled up for the snow. Within five minutes, the four of us were walking marshmallows. There seemed to always be snow on the ground, and along with the couple of inches that had fallen since the night before, we had a nice amount to sled on.

Of course, none of us really knew what to do. I hadn't been sledding since I was a kid, and Mom nearly twice as long. Dad admitted he hadn't done it before, so Jas was the brave one that took off first. He held the large sled in front of him as he ran toward the edge of the slope, then did a nice belly flop onto it before speeding down the small hill. I saw him tumble off at the bottom, and then he popped back up.

"It's good!" he said. I grabbed my sled and did a toned down version of Jas's jump, and the biting wind in my face felt amazing. It was pretty exhilarating, even if it wasn't the tallest or steepest hill. I didn't fall off my sled, but I had a hard time lugging it back up the slope. That was definitely the most difficult part of sledding—the trek up. I got a great view of Mom whizzing past, her squeals filling the afternoon air. I nearly peed my pants when Dad fumbled to land on his sled and ended up missing and rolling all the way down the hill.

He was a good sport about it, though, and gave it a few more tries. When we were all too tired to walk up the slope one last time, we called it a day and headed back. We'd spent the better part of the afternoon outside, and all of us were lethargic after we got changed.

"I was supposed to do a Christmas dinner, I think," Mom lamented as she laid prone on the floor in front of the couch. "But I don't think I can move."

"Why don't we do a day after Christmas dinner? A new tradition. Edward and Alice can come over," I added. I was hungry but didn't feel like even wandering to the kitchen to find something to eat.

"Mmm, that sounds good," she responded. I peeked over the edge of the couch to see her eyes closing. Dad was already out in his recliner, and Jas was dozing next to me. We watched a marathon of Christmas movies on TV and napped until it was dark outside.

We ended up making two frozen pizzas for dinner, and after retiring to my room, I called Edward. He sounded relieved to hear from me, and he relayed what all had happened for them throughout the day. His family definitely stuck to traditions, and he said he had about twenty minutes before they had their Christmas night eggnog by the fireplace. I could hear his grandparents in the background and told him I didn't want to pull him away from his family.

"But, you're, um, kinda my family, too," he argued softly. "And I haven't gotten to talk to you today."

"I know," I said as I felt my heart warm. "But you and Alice have to come over tomorrow for the Swan/Hale new tradition of Day-After-Christmas dinner."

"I think we can manage that." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"And, oh, my God, my mom told me you and Alice are coming to Pennsylvania for a weekend! I can't believe it! I am so excited," I told him. I truly couldn't wait, and knowing I would see Edward about halfway through the shoot would help me get through it so much easier.

"I know. I can't believe my mom agreed to it," he said. "I can't believe you're leaving."

"It won't be for very long, though. You know that. Three weeks is nothing," I tried to assure him, but I felt a pang of guilt over not telling him what to expect over the course of the next year. There was no point in telling him now. I would wait until after I finished shooting.

"I know. I know," he repeated, obviously trying to sound a little more settled about it all. "Well, I should go…but I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yep. Come over whenever you want," I told him.

"Cool. I love you, Bella. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. I love you," I said as I felt my eyes sting. I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall.

And then night came, and with it, another day closer to leaving. The next week was a flurry of activity that I wasn't quite ready for. I met Edward's grandparents, both sets, and ate a lot of meals at the Cullen's house. Edward and I had a couple movie marathons, along with a few dates out of the house, which we hadn't done yet. I discovered I loved diner food after visiting Lucy's downtown, so we went there twice. He stayed at our house as late as he could, and on New Year's Eve, both of our families got together to ring in the New Year. It was perfect, but then it was Sunday, and I was leaving.

I had two bags to check, along with my carryon, and I couldn't stop crying. I wore the hat Edward bought me, and had the notebook he'd gotten me packed alongside my new iPad and the books Mom got me. I felt homesick and I hadn't even left yet. Dad offered to say goodbye at the house so Edward and Alice could ride with us to the airport. I hugged my mom tightly before clinging to Edward like I would never see him again.

"Hey," he said gently as he wiped away my tears. "Don't cry. I'll see you in two weeks. Less than two weeks. And we'll talk every day, right?"

"Y-yes," I stuttered as I pressed my face into his chest. I had stolen one of his flannel shirts to take with me, after he'd worn it, of course, so I could feel a little closer to him. It was time for Jas and I to go, but I really didn't want to. I re-thought all of my choices in that second, and I wished I hadn't said yes to the project.

But it was the right thing to do, even if it hurt. I kissed Edward with a little desperation and tried to remember the way his hands felt on my back. I touched his hair and his jaw and his shoulders and memorized him. I finally pulled away and saw that Alice was crying nearly as much as I was.

"I'll call you tonight," I told him. I looked into his grey-green eyes and saw them glistening. "I love you."

"I love you, Bell," he said in response. He started blinking rapidly, and I knew he didn't want to cry. I finally turned away and went through the metal detectors, with Jas right behind me. I glanced back once to see that Mom had her arm around Alice and her other arm linked through Edward's. She was smiling, but she was the only one.

"Let's go," Jas said as he slung his arm around me. The two of us headed down to our terminal, trying to stay positive, and I fought the urge to look back again. I didn't think I could stand to see Edward cry.


	40. Chapter 40

**So, here's the next installment of Elevation - this chapter's a it different, which you'll see in just a moment. This is written in present tense, as it is Bella's "journal" while she's filming. I hope you like it. :)**

* * *

_Day 1:_

_Today sucks. I had a call time of 7:00 and I couldn't sleep last night. I can't tell yet how I'm going to like this set. Makenna's a bitch. I only saw her for about a second, and that was in the makeup trailer, and she was a major bitch._

_The 1__st__ AD came to get her for her first scene, and all he did was ask the makeup person if she'd remembered to turn her walkie on. She hadn't, so Makenna didn't hear that she was being called. Big deal—it was the first scene of the first day, it's not the end of the world. The AD wasn't even mad, but Makenna turned on the poor makeup lady and bitched her out. The girl was practically quivering when she was done._

_After Makenna stalked out of the trailer, I told the girl it was fine. I tried telling her stories about other mishaps from sets I'd worked on before, but she was still worried. This is her first film job that she's on her own at, and she didn't want to get fired. She turned the walkie up way too loudly, so when Tim called for me to come to set, we both cringed and covered our ears. _

_Oh, this job…so glamorous at times._

_Lunch was okay; craft services had gotten barbecue from a local restaurant and it was pretty good. Most of the crew acted surprised to see me. I don't know if they were surprised that I was eating or just that I was there at all._

_The tutor just left. Gah. I hate doing schoolwork on set. Judy—the makeup girl—let me work on stuff in her trailer. Jas is bored out of his mind already. He only visited for a little while today before heading back to the hotel. I have a feeling he won't enjoy the next three weeks like he hoped he would._

_I'm wearing your shirt. I'm afraid to wear it too much and lose your smell. Will you bring an extra to trade out when you visit? I'm probably going to call you now._

_I didn't realize I was writing this to you…I thought it was kind of a journal entry, but I guess I'm just writing down the things I want to say to you throughout the day. I'll try to take better notes tomorrow._

_Day 2: _

_Call time was early again. Makenna and I finally did a scene together with dialogue. Yesterday just involved me looking annoyed and high while she threw a tantrum in our "living room." The house we're shooting in is pretty cool. It's old, but really big and lived in. I don't know who owns it, or where they are. I don't know if the knick knacks on the mantle are theirs, or if the prop master added them. I don't know if they like the color of the walls, or if they think the bathroom's too small._

_Sometimes it's weird to be in someone else's living space like this._

_But, back to Makenna. She really is a terrific actress, I'll give her that. Considering we hadn't shot anything else yesterday, it really seemed like she was at the end of her rope with me, after months of trying to get me on the right track. Well, getting Shiri on the right track. Makenna is definitely a good Magdi._

_Someone visited her earlier. It was a guy. A regular guy. Like…he looked like a contractor or a construction worker. She was surprised to see him and pulled him around the corner from the makeup trailer. I didn't follow, obviously. That would be weird. But she was gone for at least ten minutes, and she came back alone. I wonder if she knew him from before? Or if she has friends in Pittsburgh?_

_It's bitterly cold here. I don't know why it feels colder than Havre, considering there we're practically in the Yukon. Pittsburgh is a grey city. It's like…the Industrial Revolution is still going or something. I can't explain in. I feel like it's the Great Depression and I should be getting some sort of ration card and be starving._

_But maybe I'm selling it short. It's actually a little sunny today, and Jas had a good time exploring yesterday. He sat around with me for a few hours today while I did my school work and he tried to catch up on his. He kept pulling his phone out though, and I bet he was texting Alice._

_Do you wish I texted you more throughout the day? Or do you like the way I write this stuff down and then call you and read it? Do you like the random thoughts, or should I just…not share this?_

_Day 3:_

_Since you seem so eager to hear even more about my day, I will oblige. Currently, I am getting powder put on my face. Judy is getting annoyed that I'm looking down and writing this. It makes me laugh. But the powder's getting smeared over my lightning bolt, so maybe I should give it a break._

_Okay, now I'm heading to set. I'm literally walking down a sidewalk. We're about to shoot a scene where I buy drugs. Well, this is just a snippet of me buying drugs, so it's really short. I'll have someone hold this while I'm filming. I hope they don't look at it._

_Scene done. We did seven takes. Now I'm going back to Judy's trailer. I have another scene in about an hour. Tomorrow I have a split call time; I have to come early in the morning, then I can leave for the afternoon, then come back at night. Tomorrow is my first kissing scene. I didn't know if I should tell you yet. I considered springing it on you tomorrow, but that's probably not the best thing to do. I won't meet the guy until tomorrow. He doesn't have any lines, but I guess he'll get to tell people he kissed Isabella Hale. If that even means what it used to mean._

_Lunch time. Spaghetti. I better put the notebook away, because this is going to get messy. By the way, I love you. And I wear your shirt in between shots all the time. Charlotte even recognized it._

_Back to the trailer. I had to change twice already, and now Carly—the hairstylist—is here to make my hair look trashed. I told her I could do that just by taking a nap, but she just laughed and made me sit down. She's probably reading this over my shoulder._

_Yep. I heard her laugh and turned around, and sure enough, she was looking._

_She still is. She laughed again. Carly, stop it. This is private. Just me and Edward._

_Now she asked who you were. I probably sighed like a schoolgirl with a dreamy look in my eyes._

_Yep, she said I did. I showed her a picture of you. She asked if you're an actor. Seriously, everyone asks that. You're far too good looking._

_James Dean, that's what Carly said. You look like James Dean. Ah, Tim is calling. I have to go. Carly, I'm leaving this here. Guard it with your life. She laughed and crossed her heart._

_I'm at the hotel. I'm going to finish my assignment and call you. Jas is lounging on his bed, staring at the ceiling. I think he's lovesick. And homesick. Pittsburgh feels a lot different than Havre. Obviously, but you know what I mean. Okay. Screw homework. I'm call you now._

_Day 4: _

_Blech. I am not looking forward to kiss this guy. I'm not just saying it. He seems really skeevy. And he doesn't smell good. And he looks like he might have diseases. But they probably cast him for that reason. He is supposed to be a fellow druggie, and I'm pretty sure he is one in real life._

_I've done well so far. I'm tired some times, and I remember how good it felt to swallow a pill and have energy, but this way is better, obviously. Though I'm depleting the crew's Diet Coke supply, I think. I'm sucking those things down all day long._

_Okay, I'm back. The scene is over. I did it. I kissed him. I think I retreated into a small corner of my mind and pretended it wasn't really happening. Charlotte said it looked good after only three takes. I think she was being gracious. I told her you'd be visiting and she's thrilled to see you. She'll probably want to figure out a way to put you in the movie somewhere as an extra. Or Alice. Oh, no, she'll love Alice. I think I'll call you now. It's a little late, and I hope you're not sleeping, because I have to hear your voice, like now._

…

_Day 6:_

_Day off, woo-hoo! Well, kind of. My call time is 6:00 in the morning tomorrow, so I need to get in bed early, but it is a day off. Jas and I are going to sightsee. Since I haven't ventured outside of the hotel, the trailers, or the set, I don't know what the pap situation is. Makenna is famous, but they usually don't follow her around. Hopefully Jas and I can get out unnoticed. I'll call you soon, since it's Saturday. I hope your first week back at school was okay. I know we talked about it already, but still. I have no idea if what you're telling me is true. The place could've blown up or something. Or the teachers might be androids that are preparing to suck your brains out. Or you might just…be a little sadder than you're letting on._

_Now I've gotten myself depressed. _

_Day 10:_

_I can't believe that in two days, you'll be here. I'm almost to the point of not being able to stand it. I have a feeling these next two days will pass painfully slowly. So…the big news is…tomorrow I'm doing the scene. You know. The scene. Jas will have to be one set—not watching, of course, cause that's just gross, but he will have to present. The actor is in town already, I met him earlier. He's…well._

_You might know who he is. He's on a show, I know you don't watch it, but still, on the Disney Channel called _Why Not, Waldo?_ Yeah. He's Waldo. I'm pretty sure he auditioned for this role so he could break out of the stereotype he's caught in. He's only eighteen, but I do not want him to see my boobs. I just don't. Or touch them. I'm really beginning to wish I'd fought this more. I'm sure you hate hearing this, and I might not even read this to you later, but I am terrified of shooting the scene. Making out with another guy, undressed like that…I'm just not sure if I can do it. Can I do this? Am I a "serious actress"? I'm beginning to think I'm not._

_In addition to shooting that scene, I have to turn around and shoot what's easily the most emotional scene of the entire damn movie. Magdi literally pulls Shiri out of bed with this guy—yes, the same guy, and shoves her into a wall. So, not only am I topless, but I get manhandled by Makenna. At one point she throws a shirt at me, so I at least get to cover up when I deliver my lines and cry. Yes, I have to cry. I am not looking forward to tomorrow._

_You never got that far in the script when you read it, did you? I think you stopped as soon as you saw that I would be naked. I hope I can do this. I need to do this. It's pretty much the most important scene in the film because it's when Magdi finally makes a choice._

_I'm not feeling very confident right now. I'm in Judy's trailer. She's reading a book. The tutor hates me. I'm supposed to be doing an assignment right now, but I can't concentrate. I wanted to write this down, for you._

_Day 11:_

_Thank fuck you're arriving tomorrow. Thank fuck._

_That doesn't even make sense. What I just said. I don't care. I'm a nervous wreck, Edward. They're going to call me to set any second. I don't know if I can do this. God, I'm shaking like a leaf. This isn't normal. I never used to be like this. I feel like…fuck, I want a pill. I need a downer. I need it now._

_But I can't/won't get one. I have to push through this. Shit. It's time._

_I'm done for the day. I finished the scenes. I…I think I did okay. We had to do nine takes for one particular shot, the one where Makenna pulls me out of the bed. They had a hard time filming it right so I wouldn't be exposed, so they ended up putting this flesh colored circles…I called them mermaid shells, but anyway, they put those on my boobs so it would be easy to edit out. I got shoved into a doorway too many times, I think. My back is killing me. I had Jas take a look and he said it looks like it's bruising._

_I cried successfully. It wasn't that hard, once I was in the moment. Yelling in Makenna's face was pretty gratifying, too. I think the scene is going to turn out really well._

_But I feel really guilty. Kinda…dirty. I hate that that guy got to touch me. He didn't, you know, touch me touch me, but I was pressed against him for the most part. It was easier once they put the mermaid shells on me. I don't know why they didn't just do that from the beginning. Charlotte was a little sympathetic, but she just wanted to get her shot done. The 1__st__ AD was yelling that we didn't have time for another take but she insisted. I hated kissing him. He clearly didn't brush his teeth before, which is stupid. I mean…that's just common courtesy, am I right?_

_I might just kiss you for an hour straight tomorrow so I can erase those other guys. You could do that. You can easily delete them from my mind without even trying. I'm curled up on my hotel bed, with your shirt wrapped around me. Jas is on the phone in the little living room. I'm glad this is a suite; I don't mind sleeping in the same room, since we're just sleeping, but I get tired of seeing his face around here sometimes. It probably just has to do with the fact that I'm tired and cranky half the time, and missing you like crazy doesn't help._

_Thank fuck you're coming in tomorrow._


	41. Chapter 41

**So here's another chapter for ya'll, EPOV. I'll be posting more right after this, so be prepared!**

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Just like that, she was gone. One minute, she was here, in my arms, and the next, she was walking away. I tried not to cry. I tried really hard, but a few tears slipped out. I hid them from Renee.

The drive back to Havre was painfully quiet. Alice was sniffling. Renee looked somber. And I…I was in hell.

Bella and I hadn't talked too much about what it would be like when she was gone. Truthfully, after getting back from Colorado, we rarely even mentioned it. We were both living in a delusional world where we were just normal teenagers hanging out over winter break. She met my grandparents and it was painfully ordinary. We watched movies and ate at the diner; we had sex every chance we could get. We were attached at the hip, and then suddenly, it was over. She packed her bags and she was gone.

Alice and I barely made it to school on time Monday. We were both looking worse for the wear, but Mom wasn't letting us wallow too much.

"Three weeks is nothing! I walked around dilated at two centimeters with you guys for three weeks," she said, earning a groan from me. The last thing I wanted was to imagine her waddling around like that.

By the time lunch rolled around, I felt depressed. Alice and I sat together, and it seemed really pathetic. Rose walked by and seemed to ignore us, until she doubled back and stopped at our table.

"So, Edward," she said conversationally. "I saw that you and Little Miss Hale were in Colorado over Christmas. That's pretty odd that you're family let you travel over the holidays."

I didn't care about correcting her, but Alice did. "They weren't gone over Christmas, dumb ass. They went before."

Alice's sulking was now morphing into aggression, but I wasn't about to stop her.

"So, where are the Hale siblings, then?"

"I'm sure you've heard," Alice said bitingly. I tried to focus on my food, though I didn't have an appetite.

"There's a few different rumors floating around," Rose informed us. "You know, rehab…shooting a movie…though, my personal favorite is that she's doing her own personal fat camp. That seems the most likely, given how much weight she's gained since moving to Havre."

I looked up at Rose's cold eyes, and I felt sorry for her. She was easily the most insecure person I'd ever met—more so than myself—and she had no idea. It really was sad. I gave her a small smile.

"I really hope you get past all this one day, Rose," I told her. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Otherwise, your adult life will be even more pitiful than it is now."

Alice snickered into her soda as she took a drink. Rose rolled her eyes, but not before I saw the fear flash through them. She didn't want to turn into a bitter harpy, or her mother. She didn't want to be reliving her glory days forever, but she was well on her way. Rose turned without saying another word and left us alone.

And we were alone. Every. Single. Day. Alice talked to Jas all the time, but it was harder for me to find that much time with Bella. All Jas had to take up time was his homework and bumming around Pittsburgh. Bella was usually on set for eight hours, not counting any time with her tutor. She called me every night and read to me from her little notebook.

It made me feel good that she was using the little thing, considering I really didn't know why I bought it, and my favorite part of the day was when she read what she wrote. While she typically didn't hold back her thoughts or opinions, I loved almost going through her day with her. I imagined her sitting around, writing over a lightning bolt, wearing my green flannel shirt, and I missed her so badly it was like a physical being in the room with me. I could carry my melancholy around; I could just hoist it over my shoulder.

She missed me, too, though. She said it, but I heard it when she didn't say it. I knew it when she kept me on the phone, talking about absolutely nothing. I knew it from the way she said my name, and the way she told me she loved me. It hurt to be apart, but at the same time, I didn't feel as morose as I expected. I couldn't wait for her to get back, but that was the best part—she was coming back. She would come home and we could continue on like we were. Things would be somewhat different, in the future, like Renee talked to me about, but we would still be together. I couldn't believe we were both only seventeen and felt the way we did, but I wasn't going to fight it.

I couldn't get over how lenient Mom was being about Alice and I going to Pennsylvania. She had no problem letting us miss school that Friday to drive down to the airport, and she just told us over and over to have fun.

"I went to Pittsburgh once," she told us as we began the two-hour drive. "It's cold. Well, in the winter. I guess it's warm in the summer. Did you guys pack warm enough clothes?"

"We packed the same stuff we wear here," I told her. Alice was texting furiously in the backseat, not listening to a word Mom said. Bella was on set, so I knew I wouldn't be hearing from her before we got in.

"And you know where you need to go? From the airport?" she asked for the third time.

"Positive. We're going straight to the hotel. It's the same one that Bella and Jas are staying in, and he said he'd meet us in the lobby. It's going to be fine," I said in an attempt to calm her down.

"I want you guys to have a good time…but I wish you had a chaperone. I'm surprised Renee didn't fly down with you," she mused. The two had been getting along better since Christmas, and I just hoped the alliance lasted.

"I think she had something with her book going on," I said vaguely. "I can't remember. I think she's got an editor that's working with her now."

"That's exciting. I'm sure she and Charlie will enjoy a little time alone. I know your father and I will," she leered. I turned to see that she had a nasty little smile on her face.

"Mom," I admonished. She just laughed at swatted her hand at me dismissively.

"Listen, I am letting you two seventeen-year-olds fly across the country and stay in a hotel room with your significant others, un-chaperoned. I can talk about having sex with my husband if I want to," she said.

"Ugh, Mom!" Alice finally cried from the back. "I'm glad you're letting us go, but please, do not say anything like that ever again!"

Mom cackled almost demonically. She was really getting a kick out of torturing us.

"And we're not staying in a hotel room with them," Alice pointed out. "We have our own room."

"Yes, and I am blissfully ignorant enough to tell myself that it'll stay that way," she retorted quickly. I looked to see Alice blush wildly and couldn't help but snort. Mom stayed quiet after that for a while, and I was able to get lost in my own thoughts.

School was boring as hell without Bella there, and the only thing that kept me occupied was helping my dad out. I was back to getting up early and working afterschool just to help pass the time every day. I looked forward to Bella's phone call every night, but I tried to block out the memory of her call from the night before.

Bella was a wreck last night, and the night before that. She was so anxious Wednesday night, she ended up questioning every choice she'd made. She didn't think she was a good enough actress to pull of the emotional scene she had to shoot with Makenna, and she was terrified of letting that actor douche see her or touch her.

When she called last night, she felt good about her performance, but she cried over how guilty she felt. She apologized a lot, and I told her she didn't need to, but that didn't stop her.

"I'm s-sorry," she said in a trembling voice. "I d-didn't want to. I won't ever do anything like that again."

"Bella, you can't promise that. This is part of your job, babe," I told her, even though I hated that particular aspect. "And I clearly am the one who screwed up here; you shouldn't feel this guilty."

"It's not your fault," she said quietly.

"It's no one's fault," I reminded her. "It's just the way it is. This movie needed you to do that, okay? Another one down the road might, as well. I'll learn to live with it, and you'll have to stop beating yourself up over it."

"I don't know," she countered.

"Hey, guess what," I said brightly, trying to lighten the mood. "In twenty-four hours, we'll be together."

"You're right! I can't wait to see you," she said, her voice sounding cheerier already.

Around the time I finished remembering how upset Bella was, we arrived at the airport. Mom walked with us as far as she could before telling us again to have a good time, and to be careful. Alice gave her a quick hug before skipping away, so I took a moment to wrap my Mom up in a warm embrace. I couldn't remember the last time I hugged her like that, or actually wanted to. When I sat her back down on her feet, I could see that she was trying not to tear up.

"I'll miss you, my boy," she said with a watery smile. I echoed her sentiment and made my way toward the metal detectors and eventually caught up with Alice. She was so excited she could barely sit still.

"Still texting Jas?" I asked as her fingers flew across the tiny keys.

"Yep. He can't wait to see me," she said smugly. "You're not texting Bella?"

"She doesn't exactly have the free time Jas does, Ali. She's working, need I remind you. She's on set all day, and she has to meet with a tutor and do just as much homework as we do," I informed her, though she already knew all of that.

"I'd think she'd at least text you in between scenes or whatever. I'm sure she gets bored," Alice stated, still not looking up from her phone.

"Yeah," was my only response. I didn't want to tell Alice about how Bella wrote to me during the day; that felt like our secret, and I didn't want to share it. "Why don't you and Jasper just talk on the phone instead of messaging back and forth? You'd be able to say a lot more."

"Sometimes what I need to say to him isn't appropriate for public," she responded as a smile broke out across her face. For the second time today, I was horrified. First my mother, then my sister.

I pulled out my iPod and scrolled before settling on Blitzen Trapper—I listened to them whenever I was missing Bella, so needless to say, they'd gotten a lot of play over the past week. Eventually it was time to board, and Alice and I were off. I felt more relaxed this time around, though I still wasn't exactly a world traveler. After connecting in Detroit, we finally made our way to Pittsburgh.

The airport was much less frenetic than the Denver airport had been, and Alice and I were able to move quickly and get a cab. We gave the driver the hotel's address, and Alice called Jas to let him know we were on our way. After a twenty minute drive, we pulled up in front of a pretty swanky looking hotel, and Jas was already out the lobby door to greet us.

Of course, I just got a small hello before he kissed my sister in a way that made my stomach turn. I stood awkwardly, my eyes looking around and I considered just going inside. After Jas stopped trying to eat Alice's face, he turned to me and ushered me inside. We got checked in, thankfully, without an issue. I wasn't sure how easy it would be considering I wasn't eighteen yet, but they didn't seem to mind as long as I had a credit card for them to swipe.

Jas led us up to the room he and Bella were sharing. He cleared his throat uncomfortably once before speaking.

"So, Bella will be done in less than an hour. I thought, uh, you two could stay here," he told me as he scratched the back of his neck while keeping his eyes averted. "And Alice and I could take the room you guys got."

I just nodded along, unwilling to prolong the discomfort any longer and handed the keys to Alice without looking at Jas. The two left with a promise to be back later so the four of us could go out.

"Don't worry, I'll text to make sure the coast is clear," Alice said cheekily before pulling Jas back out the door. I breathed a sigh of relief and moved to flop down on one of the beds. I could immediately tell it was Bella's; the smell of her was all over the pillow and the sheets. I saw the little card she placed on the bed so the housekeeping staff wouldn't put fresh linens on the bed and I was grateful. I closed my eyes, intending to just rest for a minute, but I was awoken by a body pressing into mine and lips searching my face.

Bella hovered over me, and I allowed myself to take her in for a few seconds before I spoke.

"Hi," I eloquently said.

"Hi," she whispered before kissing me softly. It was a perfect greeting, but I immediately wanted more. I rolled her over and stretched my body over hers, reacquainting myself with every inch of her. I pulled off the two shirts I was wearing before removing hers, and her bra. My hands were greedy and kneaded her exposed chest immediately. I couldn't wait another second to undress her, so I unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them down, along with her underwear, in one move. I took a moment to finished removing my own clothes before lying back on top of her.

The thought that another guy had been in almost the same position just a day before unnerved me, and with a spike of possession, I began worshipping and groping her body. She was gasping and moaning and writhing and I'd never seen her look so desperate for me. I watched her come as I let myself touch and taste her before realigning us so I could claim her.

She stretched her hands up over her head, keeping my own trapped in her hair, and pressed against the headboard. The added resistance made everything feel even sharper, and I came violently inside of her.

I couldn't hold myself up any longer and I collapsed on top of her. I still had a death grip on her hair, and her legs were wrapped around me tightly. After our breaths calmed down, I slipped out of her and curled myself against her torso.

"I don't know if we have time for round two," she said breathily, her back arching as I ran my hands down her body again. I knew I wouldn't be ready to go again for a little while, but I wanted to give Bella more. Within minutes she was crying out again.

I hummed in satisfaction as we lay naked, just enjoying being together again. She eventually sat up and looked at the clock. "We should get ready."

"Do you need to take a shower?" I asked as I rolled onto my back and scratched my stomach.

"Probably," she responded. "But I'm not going to. I want to smell you on me all night."

It was hard to let her get dressed after that statement, but I knew we had more time over the weekend to satiate ourselves. We hadn't left the room yet, and I was already dying to bring her back to bed later.


	42. Chapter 42

**Back to BPOV with this one.**

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How did I forget? Edward, my Edward, was a sex god. How that slipped my mind, I didn't know. But he reminded me…roughly…and seductively…and it was the hottest thing I'd ever witnessed. I hoped he didn't hesitate to pull my hair in the throes of passion next time around.

I got dressed in a haze; Edward literally almost fucked my brains out. I heard him chuckle and looked to see him watching me in amusement.

"I just…" he trailed off before shaking his head. "We've barely even spoken since I got here. And you look like you're on another planet."

I chanced a look at myself in the bathroom mirror, and he was right. My eyes were glazed over, my skin was glowing, my hair was everywhere, and there was something deeper radiated from within me.

I was happy.

"I feel like I'm on another planet. You make me feel that way," I told him with a smile. "God, I missed you."

I walked over to him and nuzzled my face into the soft flannel of his shirt. I hated the thought that we had to part for almost two more weeks, but I knew it would fly by. Then I would be home with Edward for at least four months before I had to travel and promote the film.

"I don't think it's possible for you to have missed me as much as I missed you," he responded. His arms were wrapped around me so tightly, it was like he was trying to press me into his skin. A soft knock sounded at the door and Edward groaned. "I think we'd have a better time here, don't you think?"

While I couldn't argue, I was looking forward to actually going out in Pittsburgh. I led Edward to the door before opening it and shoving him through. Alice bounded around him and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

"Bella, I missed you!" she said brightly against my hair. "I'm so glad we got to come visit you. This is going to be awesome!"

"I'm glad you got to come, too," I told her as I pulled the hotel door shut behind me. "And I think you guys are going to like being on set tomorrow."

"I can't wait," Alice said as she reached for Jas's hand. They both looked very put together, like maybe they didn't participate in immediate nookie like Edward and I.

"So, here's my plan for tonight," I began as we waited for the elevator. "There are a bunch of museums in the city, but the Andy Warhol Museum is open later on Fridays. We can grab a bite to eat, then go there, if you guys want. Sometimes they have live music and stuff like that, so I think it'll be fun. Plus, Jas and I haven't been there yet, either."

"Andy Warhol? Very cool," Alice murmured as we stepped onto the elevator and started moving fluidly toward the ground floor. Edward wasn't saying much, but I could tell by the content smile on his face that he had no problems with the plan.

"How adventurous are you guys feeling? For dinner, I mean," I added as we walked through the lobby. There were a couple errant paparazzi outside who snapped picture of us half-heartedly, but they weren't aggressive like the L.A. folks.

"Um," Edward said as he bit his lip; Alice looked up and shrugged before the flash of a camera caught her attention. Her head whipped around and her mouth opened into an "o" shape. She realized what was going on and turned back around, putting her head down and following Jas's lead.

"There's an Ethiopian restaurant that's supposed to be really good," I explained. A lot of the cast and crew had gone there already, and I was dying to try it.

"That sounds find," Edward said as he gave me a reassuring smile. He kissed my temple as he wrapped his arm around me and tried to keep me warm. "How far is it?"

"Several blocks, but I think we can make it on foot," I told them. My nose was already starting to feel cold, but I was a trooper. Just earlier in the day we'd shot outside, and I tried not to wrap myself in a coat between takes; it was easier for me to just deal with the temperature instead of going back and forth. I saw poor Alice's lips quivering beside me and wondered if maybe we should've gotten a cab.

"I'm fine," she said as her silver eyes darted to mine suddenly. "Jas keeps me warm."

I saw the sweet smile on Jas's face and could barely contain myself. Just seeing him so happy made me appreciate Alice on a different level. It didn't hurt, of course, that Edward was by my side and making me feel gooey and in love.

We arrived at the restaurant quickly and were almost immediately seated. We opted for the "traditional" dining experience and were led to a small round basket that served as our table, and four small stools to perch on. I hope we wouldn't get too uncomfortable after a while, but I was willing to give it a shot. The waiter explained the family dining aspect of the meal, so we all just ordered whatever sounded interesting, and planned to share. We were all so close together, it made for a more intimate meal, but it was perfect.

"So, guys, I want to hear about your flight in," I said as I took a sip of water. Edward shrugged nonchalantly while Alice's eyes lit up.

"It was great! Not too long," she commented. "We were both so excited to get here, though. And Mom…ugh, nevermind."

Alice and Edward both had twin shudders run up their spines, and I had to know.

"What? Was she mad that you guys were missing school, or…" I asked and watched them both look away. "What? Come on."

"You have to tell us now," Jas said as he poked Alice in the side.

"She just…referenced…what she and Dad would be doing this weekend," Alice responded in a disgusted tone. Jas and I both looked at her blankly. "You know…since they're alone…no kids around…totally _alone_."

The look Alice gave me made me know immediately what she was talking about and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Hey, don't laugh! She totally insinuated that your parents would be doing the same," Edward blurted out suddenly. My mouth gaped open.

"Ew! How could she possibly know that?" I asked, horrified.

"They've been getting along a lot better since Christmas…maybe they're starting to gossip," Alice mused.

"That's enough of that topic," I declared. "Anything else interesting happen on your way?"

"Nah, not really," Edward told me. "How was your day?"

"Well, it was good. I got some news today," I said with a grin. "First off, the, um, movie I made that's going straight to TV is premiering in three weeks. So, that's good."

I wanted to be upbeat about the whole situation, even if I was still pissed that I didn't get at least a DVD release. _Torn Asunder_ wasn't exactly Oscar gold, but my ego was still bruised over the entire thing. I really hoped _Greetings from Estonia_ helped pull me out of my slump.

"So, if you don't mind me asking, how exactly do you get paid for that? As opposed to a theater release?" Alice asked inquisitively.

"Well, the company—the station that's showing it, they pretty much bought it. So I just got a small lump sum percentage that was decided earlier on with my contract," I explained. "Same goes with a theater release, though. Depending on the type of contract you get, most likely you'll just get a lump sum early from the budget, and not necessarily dependent upon how much money the movie makes."

"Hmm," she hummed thoughtfully. "So…how much…um, like, what's your…how much are you worth or whatever?"

"Alice," Edward said in a chastising tone, though I could see he was immediately curious as well. Even Jas looked at me, waiting for an answer. He didn't know the exact figure I had sitting in the bank, the majority of which I wouldn't get to touch until September when I turned eighteen.

"I'd say…around…about…I mean, I have about..." I trailed off as I looked at the ceiling, mentally tallying the pay checks off the last few films I did. "Seventeen million in the bank."

"So you're worth seventeen million dollars?" Alice asked in a low voice as she leaned over the table toward me. Jas shrugged nonchalantly, which I tried not to laugh at. It may have not sounded like a lot to him, but he didn't have a penny to his name.

"But considering the fact that I did ads and stuff for a while, I'm probably worth upwards of fifty million," I told her, hoping I wouldn't have to go into the entire explanation. The financial world of being a celebrity was too confusing; I would never want to be a spokesperson for a company again. The amount of travel and promotion I had to put in just for face wash I didn't use, or a line of clothing I didn't wear, was ridiculous. I ended up only touring for my films twenty percent of the time, and sixty percent of the time was for those stupid ads.

Edward looked down at the table, and I couldn't tell if he was uncomfortable about what I was saying, or the fact that I actually had that much money. I saw him let out a breath before he looked back up at me and smiled. It wasn't a totally genuine smile, but I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to find out the statistics on my finances.

"So, uh, what's the other news you wanted to share?" Jas asked. Alice was still gaping at me like a fish, and Edward was obviously trying not to think about what I'd said.

"Well, when I get home, a magazine wants to do an interview with me about my 'comeback.' They want to come to Montana and do the photo shoot there at our house so it's all cozy and homey and down to earth," I told them. I was rather excited considering it wasn't a tabloid, and I would be getting positive press.

"What magazine?" Jas questioned.

"_Entertainment Weekly_."

"That's awesome, Bell. That'll be great publicity," he assured.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too," I responded just as the food arrived. We all dug into the assortment of lamb and beef, though it wasn't easy to use the bread that came with it as our utensils. Once we got the hang of it, we feasted until we were all sitting back and patting our stomachs.

"Are we walking to the museum?" Edward asked as he rubbed his still-flat stomach appreciatively. "'Cause I think I need a little exercise to help burn off some of this food."

"Oh, yeah, definitely," I teased as I reached over and let my hand take the place of his. "You're getting a gut back home without me there to keep you in shape."

Edward blushed at my inadvertent innuendo, and Jas groaned. I hadn't meant to make my statement sound that way, but it was too late to take back. I shrugged as we stood up and put our coats back on, and prepared for the chilly winter weather to nip at our noses.

I huddled against Edward as we hailed a cab over to the Andy Warhol museum. Admission was half-price, and we were immediately assaulted with steaming hot air as soon as we walked in. After shedding some of our layers, we started meandering around, and I could hear an acoustic guitar being played somewhere on the lower level.

The crazy assortment of colors throughout the building made me feel like I was tripping on acid, but I was lucid enough to remember all of it. We stepped into a room filled with rows and rows of painted Darth Vader helmets on posts and couldn't help but laugh. There was a wall in another room absolutely covered with small tile representations of Warhol's paintings, and screens playing various films he made long ago.

There were paintings of celebrities and of himself and of nothing and it was very surreal, to say the least. Alice was fascinated, Jas seemed mildly impressed, and Edward looked befuddled most of the time, but I could tell he liked being there. He held my hand tightly as we walked from exhibit to exhibit, but eventually it was time to go back to the hotel. The four of us took a taxi back and said our goodnights, and I was left alone again with my sex god boyfriend.

"Do you want to take a shower?" I asked him as I slowly undressed. His eyes darkened immediately and he nodded. He pulled off his flannel shirt before peeling his tight Henley from his torso. He unbuttoned his jeans and stepped out of them, and then dragged his boxer-briefs to the floor. He was definitely ready to go already, and I was so distracted by him that I forgot to undress.

"Let me help you with that," he said as he pulled my shirt the rest of the way off. His hands traced the cups of my bra before reaching around to unclasp it. The calluses on his hands added a roughness to his gentle motions, and I was getting overheated. I got my panties off as quickly as I could, and he surprised me by hoisting me around his waist and carrying me to the bathroom.

He sat me down by the sink and kissed me deeply. In a breath, he was on his knees and pulling me to the edge of the counter. There was a predatory edge to him that I hadn't seen before, and the fervor with which he was tasting me and the way we'd barely spoken again made everything feel a little elicit, and a little naughty.

I wasn't trying to moan and gasp like a damn porn star, but I couldn't help it. I leaned back up my head hit the mirror behind me, one hand tangled in Edward's hair and the other supporting my upper body. My legs were draped over his shoulders and I watched in fascination as his grey-green eyes lifted repeatedly to mine. His tongue was lapping and licking and entering and I was seeing stars.

I finally cried out with my release and he slowed his ministrations until I came back down. He moved to my belly button where he continued to suck and nibble until my breathing slowed. Without a word, he walked to the bathtub and turned on the shower. He helped me to my feet, and on wobbly legs I managed to climb into the tub, his hard body pressed behind me. He washed my hair and his own before washing his face under the hot stream. His hands were extra exploratory and I was absolutely aching to have him inside of me.

"I was thinking about taking you like this," he whispered in my ear as he turned us slightly. I was facing the shower wall as he stood behind me, his right hand sliding down to cup me tightly. "What do you think?"

"Shit," I whispered back. I nodded quickly. "Yes. Yes."

With no precursor Edward shifted and pressed into me from behind. He stilled for a moment before starting to move a little faster, his knees bending around mine so he could get the perfect angle. I couldn't figure out where to put my hands, because they wanted to be everywhere. I tried to grab his hips behind me, but my head hit the shower wall, so I ended up using them to brace myself. There was little I could do but push back into him, and he drove into me earnestly. He grunted and groaned in my ear and his hand pressed my pelvis back even harder. There was something so violent about the act of sex, but it was perfect. I wanted it harder and faster and deeper and rougher, even if it left me bowl-legged the next day.

I whimpered as his movements stopped abruptly and I felt him pulsing inside of me. I didn't come again, but I didn't need to. Edward's head fell to my shoulder and he gasped for air against my wet skin.

By the time we finished showering, we were both exhausted. We crawled into bed and Edward wrapped his arms around me, holding me like he'd never get to hold me again.

"God…you really sexed me up tonight," I told him and felt his stomach muscles contract with his laughter. "You were like…an animal tonight."

"I wasn't too rough, was I?" he asked worriedly, his hands so soft and gentle on my back.

"Not at all. You're just, like, so good at that."

"I missed you like crazy," he told me as he kissed the skin below my ear.

"I missed you even crazier," I countered with a giggle. Edward threw his leg over mine and enveloped me, and when I woke up the next morning, I was still in the same position. My entire body was sore and stiff, both from the intense sexy-times and the way I slept like a rock. It was early, too early for Edward to get up, but he insisted.

We turned on the TV and stared at it blearily, waiting for room service to show up. My hair was a rat's nest, but Carly would be able to make sense of it when I got to set.

"Are you coming with me, or do you want to wait for Jas and Alice?" I asked in a rough voice. My eyes wouldn't move from the moving images on the screen, even though I wasn't really watching them. Everything was getting a glowing, surreal quality, and I knew I needed to wake the fuck up.

"I want to go with you," he responded. I managed to turn my head and saw that he was zoning out, too. We were only a foot apart, but both clearly not functioning yet. Our food finally arrived, and we sat back down in our spots to eat.

As we ate our yogurt-and-fruit-filled crepes, I squinted my eyes until everything blurred, and I pretended it was our future. I pretended Edward and I were older, on vacation, about to go sightseeing, and we were normal. Like his parents. I pretended.


	43. Chapter 43

**Hey, guys! Sorry I've been pretty fail about updates, but I'm getting there, I promise. I am posting three chapters today, and I hope to post again soon. Only three more chapters to go after this triple-header today, so...yeah! Sorry if I didn't get to reply to your reviews, I definitely read each and every one, I promise.**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

_Edward_

I was ridiculously excited about going on set with Bella, but I felt incredibly nervous at the same time. After we got dressed, we took a cab partway across town and arrived at a blocked off street. There were three trailers set off to the side, and Bella led us to one immediately. An older woman stood behind Makenna, fixing her hair, while another younger woman sat in a chair, flipping through a magazine. She smiled when she looked up at Bella, and motioned for her to sit down.

"You must be Edward," she said excitedly to me. "I'm Judy, I'm the make-up artist."

Makenna's eyes popped open and looked at me speculatively. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. I didn't know you were going to be here today."

"Uh, yep, all day," I told her as I cleared my throat before looking back at Judy. "And it's nice to meet you."

"I'm Carly," the hairstylist told me with a smile. "I've heard plenty about you."

"Uh, yeah, I've heard a little bit about you, too," I told her honestly. I sat down on a small loveseat situated behind the chairs Bella and Makenna occupied. Bella shed her coat and I realized she was wearing my flannel shirt over her outfit. I smiled softly to myself; I couldn't believe I was actually with her. The night before went by far too fast, and I dreaded going home tomorrow.

As I thought back over our bathroom activities, I couldn't help but get a little excited. Imagining the way she looked, spread out on top of the sink, was one of the most amazing things I'd ever seen. It was well worth the bruises I had on my knees this morning. I couldn't wait to get her back to the hotel room at the end of the day and start all over. My skin warmed at the thought and I desperately tried to focus on something else.

"How long are you visiting, Edward?" Makenna asked as the stylist sprayed some mist through the air and made the entire trailer hazy.

"Just 'til tomorrow," I told her, feeling reluctant and heartbroken already. "My sister's here, too. She and Jas are coming by later."

"Your sister? How old is she?" Makenna questioned.

"We're twins, so, seventeen," I responded. I caught Bella's eye in the mirror she was facing and winked.

"Do you guys looks alike?"

"Um," I began. "I don't know. Do we, Bella?"

Her eyes studied my features in the reflection, like she was searching for Alice in me.

"I won't say they look alike, but you can tell they're related. Alice is absolutely gorgeous; Charlotte will die when she sees her. Her eyes are like…gunmetal and silver. Just wait," Bella rattled off. She smiled at me once more before Judy told her to shut her eyes.

"So are she and Jas a couple?" Makenna asked.

"Yep. They got together a little before Bella and I did," I told her. My mind flitted back four months and remembered the mixture of animosity and intrigue that Bella and I had when we first met. I wanted her, but I hated that I wanted her. And she didn't know if she could want me.

And now I sat in her makeup trailer, dreaming about being older and staying together forever. If someone told me a year ago where I'd be, I would've laughed at them hysterically.

"Hmm." Makenna rose from her chair and gave me a small wave before exiting the trailer. I knew I'd see her again, but I was glad she was somewhat genial to me so far. Before I knew what was happening, Carly had plucked the black beanie from my head and started running her fingers through my hair.

"You have beautiful hair, Edward," she almost purred. "Natural?"

"Uh, yeah," I answered, feeling uncomfortable with the way she seemed to be petting me. Bella's eyes fluttered open as Judy backed away from her and saw the way Carly was molesting my hair. However, traitor that she was, just nodded and grinned.

"I know, I'm so jealous of his hair," she lamented, but I couldn't tell if she was serious.

"Oh, Bella, you're hair is gorgeous, too," Carly said as she abruptly removed her hands. I hadn't realized how heavily I was leaning into her touch until my head bobbed forward violently before I could stop it. Bella hopped over to Carly's chair and sat quietly for a few minutes.

By the time hair and makeup were done, it was time for Bella to get to set. When the First AD called for her over the walkie, she picked it up and squawked back at him.

"Tim, I have guests today, remember? Edward's coming to set with me now, and I will have Jas and Alice later," she told him as she pulled off the flannel shirt and draped it over one of the chairs.

"I remember. I told Scott, so they should be fine to come on set," Tim replied and Bella grabbed my hand and pulled me along as we walked back outside. The air was warming up a little as the sun rose, but it was still a cold winter morning. There wasn't any snow on the ground, but everything was frosted over.

The set turned out to be a house on a block around the corner. I felt bad for the neighbors, considering access to their own homes was limited, let alone the amount of equipment piled and strewn around the neighborhood. Bella gave me a tiny peck on the cheek before walking to her spot, and I stood awkwardly by a tall light, afraid to touch anything or even breathe.

"Hey, man," a guy said to me as he approached from the left. "You Edward?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"I'm Scott. I'm Second AD, so if you need anything, you let me know. And when the rest of your group gets here, make sure to tell me. I'm supposed to keep track of all the visitors," he explained.

"Okay, cool. Um, so…I've never been on a set before, is there anything I should know…" I trailed off and he looked at me knowingly.

"Just hang back a little. Don't touch anything unless it was already here. Try not to trip," he said as he looked down at the multitude of thick wires running everywhere. "And when you hear someone say, 'Speed,' that means they're about to start filming, so be quiet. Don't move or cough or anything. The sound mix is separate from the actually film stock, but still…you don't want to distract anyone."

"Gotcha," I told him, praying I wouldn't sneeze or anything like that. I saw Charlotte talking to Bella before looking over her shoulder at me. She swiftly approached me and gave me a tight hug.

"Edward! I'm so glad you got to come see the set! Just let Scott here know if you need something or if you have any questions," she said hurriedly. "I'll catch up with you later."

Charlotte scurried away quickly as a tall guy shouted at the crew. "We have three minutes! We have to get this first shot off. Three minutes!"

Everyone seemed to move to their places and things were clicked and adjusted and there were bright lights on Makenna suddenly. I realized a guy had pulled a large, square color filter off a light, and the blinding white made me see spots. He slid a purple square over the light before clipping it into place, and everything was muted again.

I saw Charlotte standing off to the side, not by the camera like I expected her to be, and she nodded at someone.

"Speed!"

"Rolling!"

"Action," Charlotte declared. I held my breath for a few moments before finally letting it out silently. Bella slumped down on a rickety, rusted chair on the front porch of the house. I was a little too far away to hear what they were saying, but I watched every single move she made. Makenna was standing over her, her hands motioning wildly and Bella's expressions were perfect. I wished I could be closer, or that I could watch her through the camera lens, but it was good enough to see her like that.

"Cut!" Charlotte shouted and everyone moved back to their spots. Within minutes they ran through the scene three more times.

"Moving on!" the tall guy shouted. A bunch of guys to my right hustled by and started assembling what looked like tiny train tracks. Bella bounded down to me after talking to Charlotte.

"Let's walk back to the trailer," she told me as she clutched my arm for warmth.

"What about the next scene?" I asked, looking behind me at all the work the guys were doing to set things up smoothly.

"I'm not in it. I have about half an hour, and it's too cold to stay out here. We'll be shooting in the house later, and it might be hard for you to fit in there. I thought you and Jas and Alice could just hang out in Judy's trailer for a while," she said as she ushered us to the trailer once more.

"That…that was just so…short," I pouted.

"That's movie-making. It's a lot of 'hurry up and wait', and the crew sets up for twenty minutes for three minutes of shots. But it's pretty cool, still, right?" she asked, looking oddly vulnerable.

"It's awesome, I just wanted to see more, I guess," I told her, trying not to sound like a baby. "You looked great out there, by the way."

"Thanks, babe," she whispered as she cuddled against me on the small loveseat. Judy and Carly weren't in sight, so the two of us took a moment to really kiss for the first time that day. Bella moaned in my mouth and slid her hands up the back of my shirt and I bit her lip in response. "I already want you again."

"I want you all the time," I told her honestly. It was so hard to restrain myself after not seeing her for a couple of weeks, but I had to keep a clear head. We were in a makeup trailer, during the day, where anyone could walk in, and Bella was due back on set soon. I needed to keep it in my pants. Bella's phone vibrated on the makeup counter and she pulled away slowly to look at it.

"They're here," she said. Within seconds, the trailer door swung open and Alice excitedly ran in. Judy showed up to make sure Bella didn't need a touchup, and then Bella was called to set again. Jas, Alice and I sat and chatted with Judy for a while, and I told Alice about what it was like when I got to see them shoot the scene.

"We'll get to go back out in a little while; Bella just said the house was too small for us to watch," I explained. I expected Alice to be a little disappointed, but she was having a great time talking to Judy about how she got into the industry. Once Carly showed up, Alice was in heaven.

"Maybe I could do this," she said as she gazed around at the small trailer's décor. "Travel. Work on sets. Work for Bella."

I shrugged. It wasn't the most preposterous thing I'd ever heard, and I was sure Bella would be up for it after Alice got through school. The idea of having another link to Bella down the road made me feel even more confident that we could make things work somehow.

Eventually it was time for Bella to shoot her last few scenes of the day, and the three of us got to go watch her. One of the shots involved her walking down the front steps of the house and turning onto the sidewalk, so the space was cleared for Bella's pathway. Alice was in awe of all the equipment and crew, and Scott came over and introduced himself to her before giving Jas a nod.

"'Sup," he said as he stood by us. The guy who worked the camera—the "cam op" Scott informed me—was wearing a harness so that the camera hung in front of his face, and he had to walk backwards for some of the shot. It seemed like a bad idea for a guy to try to walk blindly over an uneven sidewalk while holding a camera that cost $100,000, but I didn't know how those things usually worked.

I gave Alice a quick rundown of some of the on set rules, and once we heard the camera operator say, "Rolling," we were silent. Bella hit her marks and they got through the takes rather quickly before moving on to the next ones. She didn't have many lines in the rest of the scenes she shot, but it was still amazing to watch her. Even though she looked so much the same, it was clear that "Shiri" was a separate person from her. Her expressions and mannerisms and the way she spoke was definitely not Bella, and it was unbelievable to watch her so efficiently transition into her character. As soon as the day was wrapped, Bella bounded over to me, herself again, and wormed her arms under my coat. Our breath was coming out in puffs due to the cold weather, and I was ready to get back to the hotel.

"Can I take you guys out to dinner?" Charlotte asked surprisingly as she approached. "I'd love to talk some more."

"Wow, thanks, uh, sure," I answered as I looked at the others to make sure it was fine. "Where were you thinking?"

"Honestly, I wouldn't mind just eating at the hotel restaurant before calling it a day. Thank God we're off tomorrow," she said before her eyes finally fixed on Alice. "And you must be Edward's sister."

Alice shook Charlotte's hand demurely before she said, "Yes, I'm Alice. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too, Alice. You really are a doll, aren't you?" Charlotte gave Alice the same penetrating stare she gave me when we first met. It made me feel a little better that Charlotte seemed to do that to everyone. "Tell me, do you act?"

"Um, no, I'm more behind the scenes, I guess," Alice responded. Charlotte continued to gaze in silence for a few more minutes.

"Ugh, you and Edward are both killing me. I mean," she said as she grabbed my chin. "This face! And your eyes! And that little pouty mouth. God, you'd both look so good on camera."

Alice blushed at the compliment but I was almost used to hearing Charlotte say stuff like that, so I just tried to smile at her, even though she was squeezing my cheeks a little.

"If you change you mind, you have to let me know," Charlotte insisted. "So, what if we meant at the restaurant in two hours? I have to go over the dailies and change and all that."

"Sounds good," Bella answered as she squeezed my torso once more. The four of us were escorted home by a driver waiting on set, and Bella collapsed on the bed once we made it into our hotel room.

"Tired?" I asked as I curled up next to her. She nodded against my chest and shut her eyes.

"Maybe just a little nap," she said quietly. I kissed her forehead before grabbing my phone and setting the alarm, just in case. I shut my eyes and let the warmth of her body lull me to sleep.

The next thing I knew, a low chime was ringing from the nightstand and it was time for Bella and I to get ready for dinner. She rose slowly, but managed to at least change her clothes before sitting down and yawning repeatedly.

"God, I don't know if that made me feel better or worse," she lamented as she rubbed the back of her neck. I felt somewhat groggy as well, but I was looking forward to dinner with Charlotte. I moved behind Bella to massage her shoulders and her entire body nearly melted into the carpet. I was afraid she was only getting more lethargic, so I changed tactics and started running my hands over her shoulders and down her chest, cupping her breasts roughly as I kissed behind her ear.

She started moaning and wiggling around almost immediately, and I was hit with a pang of regret. We definitely did not have time to get anything started, and now we were both a little worked up. I moved my hands to a safer zone before hopping off the bed and grabbing her hands. I pulled her from the bed and started faux-waltzing around the room, and Bella's giggles were the music we danced to. We both stumbled over our feet and laughed, and I ended the dance with a romantic dip where I kissed her with enthusiasm, but closed lips.

Her eyes were sparkling in amusement and we decided to head on down to the restaurant. Alice and Jasper were just ahead of us, and we managed to get seated quickly, and waited for Charlotte to arrive.

"So, Alice, did you like being on set?" Bella asked as she took a sip of her water. Alice nodded emphatically. "Charlotte wasn't kidding, though. If you wanted to get into acting, she'd be willing to give you a chance."

"Yeah, I know," Alice hedged. "I think I would…rather, um, do behind the scenes stuff. Like…what if I…you know, did the beauty school thing and uh, you know, tried to get work on, um, movie sets?"

"That's a great idea!" Bella responded immediately, and I saw Alice relax. "You know I would hire you. I mean, if you wanted to work with me. You could easily work on other sets, too, obviously."

"No, I think it would be nice to work with you, especially, you know, if we're family one day," Alice said as Jas squeezed the back of her neck in affection. The two shared a smile and I couldn't help but smile back at them. I doubted their relationship for a long time, but I couldn't deny that they two of them were genuinely into one another.

"Definitely," Bella said, her eyes flickering to me briefly before moving back to the glass in front of her. She wore a secret smile that filled me with even more hope for our future.

"But that's a while down the road, I guess. I mean, me going to school and all of that," Alice pointed out.

"Well, you could start your classes while you're still in high school. By the time you graduate, you would be ready. You could start as an assistant or something, work under someone else for a while until you got the hang of it. I hope to be working for a long time, so maybe you will, too." It made me happy that Bella was willing to go into that sort of partnership with Alice, but the thought of her "working for a long time," made me cringe a little inside. It was naïve of me to think that she wouldn't continue shooting films, especially if this one took off, but I didn't like to imagine what that kind of life would entail.

"Sorry, sorry," Charlotte spoke as she approached the table hurriedly. "Thanks for waiting on me."

"No problem," Bella answered sweetly. The waiter came to take Charlotte's drink order and we all studied the menu for a few minutes. After our orders were placed, Charlotte began asking how everything was going for Alice and I in school. It amazed me that she was so genuine, and that she actually cared about things like that. She was taking time out of her busy weekend to eat dinner with us. That was astounding to me.

"So, do you think you'll be traveling with Bella this summer?" Charlotte asked me just as our food arrived. Bella froze a little with the question, and I took the opportunity to unwrap my silverware slowly and place my napkin in my lap to buy some time. I racked my brain trying to remember if Bella mentioned anything, but I was pretty positive she hadn't.

"Uh, well, I—"

"Well, school will still be in session during Cannes," Bella supplied as she shot me a look out of the corner of her eye. "Um, but maybe he can make some premieres."

Charlotte nodded as she took a bite of food, so I bit the bullet and asked.

"How many premieres will there be?" I asked in what I thought was a nonchalant voice, but the way Alice and Jasper looked at me told me I failed miserably. Even Charlotte could tell something was up.

"Maybe two, depending on how well we do at Cannes," Charlotte supplied. "If it shows well, it will be a busy summer, and then we'll probably make appearances at the International Film Festival in Toronto. But that won't be 'til September."

"Hmm," I hummed thoughtfully as I chewed my food. I didn't feel particularly hungry anymore, but I didn't want to throw a fit like I did back in Colorado in front of Charlotte.

The table grew quiet until Jas tried to break the tension. "I hope I get to go to Cannes. I've, uh, never been to France."

"Really? Oh, you just have to go," Charlotte responded. "Maybe you'll get to do some of the press tour with us, Jas."

"Yeah, I definitely want to be there," he said as he looked directly at me. "I want to help Bella as much as I can with all of the promotional stuff."

It seemed like he was trying to tell me that he'd be keeping an eye on his sister, or at least that I shouldn't worry, but his words did little to convince me. I probably just had no idea how much time and effort would be put in to making sure the film was a success, so I hadn't considered how long Bella would have to be away for.

The rest of dinner passed slowly to me, since I was barely speaking, but Alice tried her damnedest to pick up the slack. She rattled on about everything she could think to talk about, it seemed, but Charlotte was enthralled with her. We eventually parted ways, and I told Charlotte I hoped to see her again. She gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek before saying she was sure we'd meet up again at some point.

Bella and I made our way back up to our room in silence. Once we got inside, I started shrugging out of my clothes and put on my pajamas. Bella watched me from the doorway, waiting for me to speak, but I didn't. I wasn't sure if I was mad or sad or just disappointed.

"I'm sorry I didn't mention anything sooner," she finally spoke after I flopped down onto the bed and covered my eyes with my arm. "I didn't keep it from you intentionally."

"I know…or I know you're sorry. And I can't understand why you would keep it from me," I said. I heard her start to argue, so I pressed on. "I've freaked out a few times already about stuff with the movie. I'm not surprised you didn't want to tell me. I'm just worried."

"What are you worried about?" she asked. I felt the bed shift as she sat down by my feet.

"You being gone for so long. You moving on."

"Edward…"

"I know you think you won't, but the truth is, this could be the beginning of the rest of your life. Your career could really start now, and I know that…you want that. I don't want you to think you can't follow that. I'm just being realistic. It won't be easy to see you go. It won't be easy to have you halfway across the world doing interviews and appearing on late night shows and barely being able to talk to you.

"Our lives are…going in two different directions. We came from different places, and we're heading different places. This time…this point in our lives was just a pit stop for you. It was just one instance where our paths crossed, but there's a fork in the road, and I can't go down your path. And you can't go down mine," I told her honestly. It was the most basic truth. It was the thing that ran through my mind every time I got hopeful. I meant every word of it, even if it hurt.

"Please don't tell me this is it, Edward," she begged after a few moments of silence. I could hear her voice tremble. "Don't let this be it. At least try. Please. Just try."

I didn't know if I was strong enough to try. I didn't know if I could do that, knowing that in the long run, it would probably hurt too much to bear.

"Please," she whispered as she curled up next to me. She maneuvered her head onto my shoulder and wrapped her arm around my chest. "You don't know that it can't work. You don't know that."

I heard her sniffle and I knew she was crying. My defenses were wearing down, and I turned on my side to cradle her to my chest. She shook against me as she sobbed. I didn't want to do this to her, or to myself, but things were getting too uncertain. I hated how scared I felt.

"I don't know," I told her.

"Please," she begged once more. "I love you."

The desperation in her voice was almost too much for me to take. "I love you, too." I pulled the covers up over us and held her for the rest of the night. She eventually got up to blow her nose and change, and the two of us brushed our teeth side by side. I saw how puffy her eyes were, how splotchy her face was, and I hated that I was putting her through any pain.

We laid back down on the bed in the dark, our bodies clutching one another tightly, and I tried to sleep. I laid there for hours, listening to her breathing, trying to figure out what I should do, but I just wasn't sure. I eventually dozed off, and I was awoken by Bella moving around on the bed. I looked at the clock and saw that it was already after nine. Alice and I would have to leave in less than two hours.

I looked at Bella's back as she sat facing away from me, and knew I couldn't say goodbye to her yet. I grabbed her torso and pulled her back into me, and I kissed her as passionately as I could. She returned the kiss with a fervor I hadn't felt before, and as she undressed me, I knew she thought she might not get another chance. I let her take charge, and when I was finally inside of her, and she sat above me, her eyes locked on mine, I told her.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I don't want to let you go," she responded. Her body didn't stop moving, but her eyes filled with tears.

"Then let's hold on for a while longer," I told her, hoping I wouldn't regret that decision. She nodded and bit her lip before letting her head fall back. Her hips moved back and forth over me, and I let my hands roam her body possessively. My fingers went to her favorite spot and I felt her begin to pulse around me. I held on to her as I bucked up several times, making sure I was as deep as possible before I came undone.

We came down from our high, and she looked at me speculatively.

"You mean it, right? We can hold on," she questioned.

"I mean it," I told her. _For now_, I added in my head.


	44. Chapter 44

**Back to Bella's journal and part of her trip back home.**

_

* * *

Day 14:_

_You just left, but I'm missing you pretty desperately already. I feel terrible for not telling you about Cannes, or any of the other promo stuff I'll be doing. I hate that you were blindsided at dinner like that. _

_I'm holding you to what you said this morning. That was not a goodbye fuck._

_That was NOT a goodbye fuck._

_I don't know if I'll even read this to you tonight. This might be the first day I keep this to myself. The truth is, I'm scared to death. I'm absolutely terrified. I feel you slipping away. I feel you leaving me. And that scares me because I'm so…stuck on you. I'm absolutely trapped. I feel like I have to have you with me, and I can't explain it right, but you are…I need you. I need you. And it feels like you're going to disappear. Or maybe that you're going to let go, and then I'll disappear. Because I feel like I don't exist without you._

_And I hate that I've gotten myself into this situation. I hate that everything's gone this far, and now I'm here. Terrified. And if you let go, I don't know what will be left of me._

_I won't read this to you tonight._

_And I pray to God that wasn't a goodbye fuck this morning._

_Day 15:_

_You sounded okay last night, so I'm choosing to believe that you're not saying goodbye yet. Yet._

_I'm not excited to be back on set, but the good news is, I don't have that much longer. Just this week, and then three days next week, then I'm home. And Makenna won't be here after Saturday. That's a relief. She and I have built a rapport from working together, but I still don't really like her._

_Carly and Judy were asking about you guys. Scott, too. You two are pretty famous now._

_I'm sure Alice has seen the pictures of the four of us online already. She probably shit her pants when she saw them. I'm still amazed that your names haven't been leaked, though I predict that won't last too long._

_Especially if you go to a premiere with me…maybe you'll get to over the summer? New York, maybe? I hope so. You can wear your flannel shirt if you want to. You know I won't complain._

_They're calling me to set. I probably won't get to write as much today. I got pretty behind on my school work the past four days, so I have to make it up. _

_Day 18:_

_I feel good today. It's probably because of our conversation last night. I didn't want to say anything and jinx it, but it was obvious something was different. I don't know what it was exactly, but you seemed…lighter. More optimistic. I hope this means you're really going to try. Because I'm going to try, and it would make things a hell of a lot easier if you did, too. _

_I'm nervous about the interview next week. I don't know what they're going to ask, or what I might tell them…I want to be honest and turn things around, but I don't want to make things worse by confirming everyone's suspicions. At least people will really believe I didn't go to rehab, I guess. Mom is freaking out and considering redecorating the place. From what she's told me, she and your mom are getting along now. That's good news, I think. I hoped they wouldn't be at odds forever._

_Time to go shoot another dramatic scene. It might be a little harder for me to do today, since I'm in such a good mood. I hope it lasts._

_Back. Eating lunch now. Turkey sandwich, nothing special. Jas is here. Either he's got a girl on the side or Alice texts him at school all the time. I know I always do this writing every day, and we talk on the phone at night, but if you ever want to text me or anything, you can. I won't mind, obviously._

_Day 22: _

_Ahhh! Only one more day on set, and then tomorrow, I am coming home! I can't believe it, really. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to touch you._

_And honey, I can't wait to sex you up. Hello, 1993! Yep, I said it. It'll happen, too. I can promise you that._

_It looks like I won't be coming back to school until Monday. I'll finish up all of my work with the tutor here today, then a few assignments this weekend, after the photo shoot and the interview. You better be there, too. I don't care what's going on. You better be hanging around for my interview. And for everything. Damn, I don't want to leave again. I'm not even home and I'm already figuring out ways to never have to do this again. But I guess it comes with the territory. This is just part of the profession I chose, and unfortunately, we both have to deal with the consequences._

_Gotta go. Full day today. I can't wait to talk to you tonight._

_Day 23:_

_I'm on the plane. I know we spoke about an hour ago, but I hoped this would make the flight pass a little faster. Jas is in his only little world listening to his iPod. The guy beside me seems totally uninterested in me, or anyone in general. He seemed really huffy that the seat wasn't empty. He needs to get over it. People fly on planes, that just the way it is. If he was so concerned, he could've bought the seat next to him as well, instead of giving me pissy looks._

_Oh. I'm pretty sure he was reading that. I caught him looking this way, and his face was red and he huffed again. How annoying. _

_Anyway, I hope there aren't any delays or anything so I can see you when I get in tonight. I hope the snowstorm that blew through there the other day doesn't affect the flights tonight. And I really, really hope nothing happens in Detroit. I'm afraid I'll get stuck there._

_Hufflepuff is so reading what I'm writing. He's like…at least forty years old. I don't know why he's so interested. I've barely written anything, and most of it was about him. _

_Shit! They just announced that airport conditions at Detroit are bad, so a lot of connecting flights are delayed. That's exactly what I was worried about! This sucks. We're almost to Detroit at least, and I'll call you when I get there._

_Hufflepuff is really mad now. You should hear him go! I think I saw steam coming out of his ears._

_Finally back in the air. I only had to sit for, oh, five hours! Now I won't get to Great Falls until eleven, so I won't get home until after one. So much for seeing you tonight. You'll have to come over after school tomorrow. It's mandatory! I'm sure Alice will want to come, too._

_I fell asleep, and now we're almost there, thank God. There's some turbulence, though, so I'll probably stop writing now. See you soon!_

I was surprised to see Mom and Esme both after Jas and I found our luggage. I had no idea Esme was making the trip, but I hugged them both tightly, so glad to see them. Jas followed suit, and then the four of us headed outside.

"I didn't know you were coming, Esme," I told her as we walked into the frigid night air. I thought it was colder in Pittsburgh, but I was mistaken. Montana was absolutely freezing, and there was easily a foot of snow on the ground.

"Well, your mom's car couldn't make it, so I offered to drive Carlisle's truck to get you guys. There's so much snow in Havre, it's hard to go anywhere," she told me as she led us toward the large white truck I was so familiar with. Jas and I threw out bags in the bed of the truck, and I silently hoped they wouldn't get wet from melting snow.

"Oh, really? Edward didn't really mention it," I responded. Jas and I climbed up into the tall vehicle and settled into the backseat. It was pretty funny to see mom riding around in a gigantic diesel truck, but she didn't look totally out of place.

"Well, a lot more fell this evening and it looks like it's not going to stop," Esme explained.

"Will we be able to get home?" I asked worriedly.

"Definitely. This baby will get us there. We just might not be able to leave for a little while. And I'm pretty sure school will actually be cancelled tomorrow." Esme lovingly stroked the dashboard as she spoke.

"Really?" I perked up. Hopefully I wouldn't have to wait that long to see Edward, after all.

"So, the shoot went well?" Mom asked as she turned in her seat to look at me. I went over how smoothly everything ran, and what a good job Charlotte did. I glossed over the interactions with Makenna as best I could, and then talked about the upcoming interview.

"Do you think they'll be able to get in on Friday?" I asked, concerned that it would have to be pushed back.

"They damn well better make it! I've done way too much work," Mom screeched.

"It's true; she has," Esme commented. The two women smiled at each other briefly and I narrowed my eyes.

"So you guys are hanging out now?" I questioned. Jas snickered beside me.

"Yes, Bella, we are," Mom said in an annoyed tone.

"Sometimes you need to stop living in the past," Esme said. She caught my eye in the rearview mirror and smiled softly. It was true; sometimes the past just needed to stay there.

The drive home took forever considering how much snow was on the ground, and by the time Esme dropped us off, it was after two in the morning, and I was exhausted. I was still on East Coast time, and could barely keep my eyes open. The walk inside was excruciating; I was not dressed to walk through snow higher than my knees. Jas thankfully carried my bag for me, and after bidding Esme a tired goodbye, I finally made it inside.

I didn't change my clothes before I plopped on top of my covers and fell right to sleep. At some point during the night, I'd pulled the corner of my comforter over me and rolled up like a burrito, but it wasn't until the morning light that I began to feel warm. I realized I wasn't alone, and opened my eyes to stare into the beautiful grey-green irises I had missed so.


	45. Chapter 45

**Another EPOV, this one takes us back a little to when Edward and Alice left PA.**

* * *

_Edward_

Alice and I arrived back in Havre to find a winter thaw was in progress. Nearly all the snow had melted, and the temperature was climbing into the fifties. Dad and I took advantage on Tuesday afternoon and took out some more straw for the cows. We rode in silence for most of the way before he finally spoke.

"So, your mother and Alice told me what's going on," he started. I looked at him in surprise; other than the sex talk we'd had, he didn't really bring up Bella at all.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…I know that Bella's gonna be traveling and stuff and you won't get to see her much," he said hesitantly. "And they said you're, you know, upset about it."

"You could say that," I answered succinctly.

"I know I don't, uh, know a lot about your relationship, but I just wanted to talk to you about it."

The truck stopped and we both climbed out, immediately doing the job we came to do and avoiding looking the other in the eye. "Okay."

"Has Bella done anything to betray your trust?" he asked.

"No! Of course not," I responded immediately.

"Has she done anything to make you question her loyalty to you?"

"Well, no…."

"Do you want to be with her?"

"Yes, but…it's not that easy," I told him.

"Edward…you might get your heartbroken down the road, but I don't want you to…sabotage this out of fear. Everyone's scared at one point or another, but I don't want you to regret not even trying," he said. It was similar to what Bella said in the hotel room. I needed to at least try. Instead of being certain things would go wrong, and how everything would happen, I needed to try and see where it went.

And if the road led to heartbreak…I would have to pick up the pieces and move on. If I ever could.

I tried to take Dad's advice to heart, and when Bella called that night, I was extra attentive. I wasn't going to do my wallowing bullshit anymore; I would work and try and see where this went. I owed it to both of us. I could tell that she was practically glowing on the other end of the phone. I felt like an ass for the way I treated her the night before when she called, but I was just having a difficult time handling everything. It wasn't an excuse, but I couldn't quite imagine what the next year and a half would be like.

The week passed quickly, and before I knew it, Mom was leaving to pick Bella and Jas up. They wouldn't get back until late, but I was determined to see her as soon as possible. Havre High closed for the day due to the snow fall, according to the eleven o'clock news, so I planned on going to Bella's house in the morning. I didn't hear Mom get in, but I woke bright and early, ready to go see her.

I woke Alice up and convinced her to get ready, and by nine, we were on our way. Mom warned us to be careful in the snow, but I wasn't about to let something like the weather keep me from seeing her. I felt better about us, and our relationship, and I just had to see her. I just had to.

Charlie answered the door with a small smile and waved his hand toward the hallway, telling us to go ahead. Alice slipped into Jas's room and shut the door, but I knew better than that. I left Bella's door open halfway so that her dad wouldn't get mad, and cuddled up next to her on the bed. She was still wearing her jeans and only had the comforter wrapped around her shoulders. I slid closer and wrapped my arm around her, just waiting for her to wake up.

Her eyes fluttered open before focusing on mine; no words were spoken, but there was an electricity that suddenly filled the room. I kissed her gently, expecting her to push me away and say she needed to brush her teeth, but she didn't. She kissed me back and curled into me like a kitten. I ran my hands through her hair and let her doze for a while longer before we both got back up. Jas and Alice were talking quietly in the kitchen, and we joined them before trying to make breakfast for us all.

We spent the day just lying around together, relaxing and not having to do a damn thing. I was so glad school was cancelled so I got the chance to see Bella for almost the entire day. By the time I went home that night, she was pretty much settled back into her normal life.

School was back in session since no more snow fell, so Alice, Jas and I marched into our temporary prison together on Thursday. Jas was glad to get his last semester of high school underway, and I was just thankful to have Bella in the same time zone again. I went to her house after school again, and ate dinner with her family. I reluctantly headed home in the evening to finish my homework, with the promise to see Bella again tomorrow. The photographer and the interviewer would be showing up during the day, so by the time I got there, the photo shoot would be underway, most likely.

I was nervous for Bella; I hoped that this would be good publicity for her, and that it would help bolster the success of the film when it came out, even if it was hard for me. I told myself I wouldn't secretly wish for her failure just so she'd stay with me. That wouldn't be a good way to live, and I knew she wouldn't be satisfied with that life, either.

Alice and I arrived at the Swan/Hale home just before four, and found the photo shoot was in full swing. The photographer had Bella curled up in a sweater on one of the family's plush couches, which was pushed in front of the large bay window of their living room. It looked like the photographer was trying to angle the shot to get both a corner of the fireplace and a vision of the snowy landscape outside. It definitely had a very "Montana" feel.

Bella looked cozy and delicious in an oversized green sweater and her hair kind of curled around her face. She was wearing makeup from what I could tell, but still looked natural; she still looked like Bella. I tried not to gaze at her exposed legs, but her creamy white skin called to me. It looked like she was wearing a pair of tiny shorts under the sweater, but I couldn't tell. Alice and I watched silently as the photographer moved around for about half an hour, and then he announced the shoot was finished. Bella looked over some of the pictures on a monitor and smiled widely.

"I can't wait to see them in the magazine," she said breathily. Bella went down the hall to change while the photographer and his assistant put all of their equipment away.

"It's beautiful here," he said genially as he packed his camera up.

"Yeah, it is. I mean, I haven't been a lot of places," I offered. "But it is nice here."

"Very serene. I can feel myself calming down," he said. "I'm Marcus by the way. This is Jane, my assistant."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Edward, this is my sister, Alice, and Bella's brother Jasper," I said as I shook his hand.

"Oh, I heard plenty about you today," he said with a wink. I blushed immediately and smiled.

Bella sauntered back into the room wearing jeans and a different sweater, and the interviewer sat down across from the couch and got started immediately. It was obvious the two had already been talking for a few hours and developed a rapport.

"So, do you think _Greetings from Estonia_ is what your career needs to get jump started again?" the woman asked. I leaned over and quietly asked Jas if he knew her name, and he said he thought it was Claudia.

"I do. Charlotte wrote a great script, and I'm just so honored that she wanted to involve me in any capacity. This is her directorial debut, but I have no doubt that it will be great. This is just the start of her directing career, and I think the story will land with a lot of audiences," Bella answered diplomatically.

"How was it for you to be back on set after taking a hiatus?"

"It was great to get back in the swing of things, but the set was a lot different than other films I've done. There was no studio work; it was all shot on location. The crew was small, as well as the cast. Charlotte created a family atmosphere, so it was a great way to, um, get started again," she responded.

"Do you have another project lined up?"

"Not yet. I'm going to focus on promoting _Estonia_ and, you know, just going to high school. I want to be a lot pickier with projects than I was before, but I'm not counting out the prospect. I just want to choose films that speak to me instead of doing anything for a paycheck," Bella said honestly. Her eyes flickered to mine across the room and I gave her a brief smile. It was a little awkward to be sitting in the room with her as she did the interview, but she swore up and down she wanted me there.

"Are there any missteps in your career you wish you could go back and change?"

Bella sat silently for a few moments, her eyes focused on the fire burning in the fireplace as she thought. "I think…there are jobs maybe I could've done without…but at this point, I can't regret any of it. It all brought me to where I am now. And I'm happy. I'm really happy, so no, I wouldn't change anything. I would be afraid it would change my…you know…present."

Claudia proceeded to ask Bella several questions about the kinds of projects she'd like to get into, if she saw herself acting forever, and what her immediate plans were for after she graduated. It was pretty amazing to watch Bella being herself, but also incredibly poised and mature. I knew I'd be a shaking mess if I had to be interviewed like that. I was proud of her. I was so proud of how far she'd come.

xXx

_Four months later_

"I'll miss you, babe," Bella whispered against my lips. I held her as tightly as I could before finally letting her get into the car. I knew it was only a little over a week, but it was hard for me to let her go again. We'd spent the last four months in our little bubble, pretending the world wasn't about to separate us. It was so easy to forget when she and I were wrapped up in one another, but reality soon set in. Bella packed her bags and got ready to head to Cannes. And I was being left behind again.

"I love you," she said one last time before shutting the door. I mouthed the words back to her through the window, and watched as they drove away. I turned to Jas and sighed.

"Well, man. I guess it's just us, now, huh?" I asked him jokingly. Alice stood on the other side of him, but she laughed lightly in response.

"Yep, the three amigos, left to roam alone," Jas said as he threw both his arms around our shoulders and turned to lead us back inside. "I guess I should pack my stuff."

Jas was staying at our house for the week since the rest of his family was gone. He argued that he could stay by himself, but ultimately, he didn't want to. He thought he'd get lonely, and I knew he wouldn't pass up the opportunity to get some concentrated time with Alice before he finished school. He'd been traveling almost every other weekend since spring break working on recording a demo to send to some producers in Nashville. His plan was to accompany Bella to most of the events she had to go to over the summer, unless something happened with his music.

The three of us headed over to our house after Jas got his stuff together, and Mom greeted him warmly. She was much friendlier than she had been before, and even Dad was making more of an effort to get to know both Jas and Bella. Jasper got settled in my room, which we would be sharing, before we all congregated in the living room to watch TV. I knew I probably wouldn't be hearing from Bella until later that night, if not tomorrow, so I wasn't holding my breath.

Bella sent a short text before I went to bed, telling me they were still en route but that she'd hopefully talk to me tomorrow. Jas flopped down on the air mattress he was using and asked if I'd heard from her yet.

"Yeah, she said they're boarding another plane and that they'll be there in a few hours," I told him. "Does it suck that you couldn't go?"

"Nah. I mean, yeah, I wanted to go…but I've only got three weeks of school left, and I don't want to do those in the midst of traveling and doing all of that stuff," he said. "Besides, I'll probably be gone a lot this summer. And, you know, I'm kind of in love with Alice and don't want to be away from her for too long."

"Yeah, I picked up on that," I said jokingly. "Well, good night."

"Night."

I heard him roll around on the squeaky bed before settling in. I laid on my back for another hour, my eyes open and focused on the ceiling. I was starting to feel a little worry in my gut, but I wasn't sure why. I kept reminding myself that Bella would be back in a week, but that didn't help. It was almost impossible to fall asleep, but I eventually drifted off.

xXx

"Hey! What's going on, babe?" Bella asked, her voice sounding crackly through the phone.

"Not much. Just doing homework. What about you?" I questioned as I shut the book open in front of me. I'd barely gotten to speak to Bella in the four days since she'd been gone, and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity.

"Well…I've got some news! Great news, actually," she said with a bright laugh. She sounded lighter than air. "First off, the film premiered tonight and it went awesome! It was really well received."

"That's great! I can't wait to see it," I told her. I looked at the clock before trying to figure out what time it was in France. "Babe, isn't it like three in the morning there?"

"Yeah, but I just got back to the room," she explained. I could tell she was rushing to tell me something, so I tried not to dwell on the fact that she was hanging out with other celebrities, and without me, so late. "But, listen, okay? After the premiere, Aro Stodemeyer approached me about auditioning for him."

"Aro Stodemeyer?" The name sounded familiar to me, but I couldn't remember what he'd worked on before.

"Yeah, he directed the _Waves_ movies, remember?" she asked, trying to remind me.

"Oh! Wow, okay. So he's, like, a big deal?" The _Waves_ trilogy had some of the biggest name actors of all time in it. I couldn't believe he'd actually approached Bella. He typically did thrillers and action movies, but I'm sure Bella was still excited.

"Yes, exactly! So, he's actually shooting a new film this fall, and he wants me to audition, like, right away! The film starts shooting at the end of August, so he asked if I could come to L.A. right after we leave here. Mom and Dad already said we can change our flight and just go straight there. Isn't that amazing?"

My head was almost spinning with the information she was giving me, and what it could possibly mean for her in the fall. If she got the part, she'd be shooting when school started, most likely. Her going straight to L.A. also meant it would be even longer before I saw her.

"Wow! Um, that is, uh, amazing. So…you won't be coming back Monday?" I asked, noting immediately what a bad job I did at sounding excited.

"No, I probably won't be back until Wednesday or Thursday," she said. "But the audition won't take that long, don't worry! I just can't believe this…this would be a huge break for me."

"Yeah, definitely. Do you have any idea what the movie is about?"

"He said it's an action/drama, but a lot different from what he's done before," she told me.

"So, would you be auditioning for the lead, or…?" I asked. I shut my eyes and tried to drum up some excitement for her, but I was just ridiculously disappointed. I could feel the whispers of a massive tantrum in the back of my brain, but I needed to hold my shit together. While I was getting better about understanding the demands of Bella's career, I was still an insecure, jealous bastard deep inside.

"Yeah. I'm so nervous about the audition," she stated. I could tell she was getting a little more tired as the conversation wore on, and I actually hoped she wouldn't want to stay on the phone for too much longer. I didn't know if I could keep up the façade.

"I bet. Um, so this will be your first trip back to L.A. How do you feel about that?" I asked, hoping to keep my mind off of the role she would be auditioning for.

"I'm not worried. I won't really be seeing anyone, and Mom and Dad will be there with me the whole time," she said. She yawned loudly before speaking again. "Oh, man, this day is really catching up with me. I think I was running on pure adrenaline earlier."

"So, did you like the way _Greetings_ turned out?"

"It's amazing. Truly. Charlotte did an unbelievable job. I think you'll really like it. I can't wait for you to see it. Did you talk to your mom about the New York premiere?"

"Uh, I mentioned it. She's still not sure, but…we'll see, I guess," I told her. "I should let you go, though. You sound really beat."

"Yeah, you're right. I love you. Miss you," she said softly. I smiled.

"I love you, too, babe. Miss you more. Good night," I said. I heard a click and knew she hung up. It was so good to hear from her, but her news was not what I wanted to hear. And I felt like an ass for not wanting to hear it. I hated that I was so jealous I didn't even want her to be successful. I groaned loudly as I rubbed my hands roughly over my face.

"What's up, twin?" Alice asked from behind me. I dropped my hands and turned in my chair to see her and Jas both looking at me with concerned expressions.

"Ah, nothing," I lied. I turned back to the table and opened my chemistry book back up, though I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on the assignment.

"Come on," Alice prodded. "I heard you on the phone with Bella. What'd she say?"

"Well, the film premiered tonight and she said it was great. Everyone really liked it," I hedged. Jas and Alice both sat down at the table with me, looking expectant. "Um, she was also approached by a director, Aro Stodemeyer, about auditioning for him."

"Wow," Jas said with a smile. "That's crazy."

"Yeah," I began. "So, she's going straight to L.A. from Cannes and won't be back until later next week."

"Aw, I'm sorry," Alice said sympathetically. "But, she'll be here before you know it!"

"Yeah, I know you're right," I told her. I kept my head down and pretended to focus on my book.

"Was that all?" she asked. I looked up at her and saw her eyes search mine. I shrugged, and I could see she didn't want to let me off that easy, but Jas stopped her.

"Hey, I thought we were going to get something to eat. I'm starving," he said as he rose from the table. He patted my shoulder and he walked toward the kitchen.

"If you want to talk about whatever's really going on, you can talk to me, you know," Alice pointed out before following after Jas.

"I know," I said to her retreating form. I shut my eyes again, not even wanting to think about the possibility of Bella being gone all summer and fall. A lot of the movies I'd seen of Stodemeyer's had plenty of blood and boobs, so I didn't even know what kind of stuff her role would entail. Everything was still up in the air, so I needed to stay calm and not jump the gun. I just had to wait and see what happened.

I shook my head before I stood and stalked down the hall to my room. I shut the door and stepped over the pile of clothes Jas left on the floor. Like a child, I curled up on my bed and pulled the covers over my head, like that would protect me. Like that would make everything not real.

* * *

**Three chapters to go, another EPOV coming up next.**


	46. Chapter 46

**So, another EPOV chapter, and then we'll be swinging back to Bella for the final two. Yes, I said final two, but more info to come in my A/N at the end of the last update today!**

**Been super busy, sorry to not respond to all the reviews, but I'm amazed at the response you guys have given me. I hope the wait in between these updates didn't lose any momentum in the story. Buckle up for these next two, if you please!**

* * *

_Edward_

"Our flight out is on Thursday, so maybe I can see you that night?" Bella asked. She was in L.A. and prepping for her audition tomorrow, and I just couldn't wait for her to get back home. The wait was killing me.

"Yeah, I hope so. As long as you don't get in too late," I told her. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too," she said quickly. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight at all. I am way too wound up."

Every time I'd talked to Bella over the past few days, she was always so preoccupied it was hard to carry on a conversation. The longest we'd spoken at one time was only for about fifteen minutes.

"Well, I know you've got some stuff to go to get ready, so, uh, why don't I let you go," I suggested. I was only getting frustrated and didn't want to say something I'd regret. "Call me tomorrow and tell me how it goes."

"Oh, okay," she said. "Uh, well, I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Love you, too."

I hung up and laid back on my bed, letting my phone sit on my chest as I thought about what I was doing. A part of me wanted to push Bella away, or punish her, but for what? She hadn't actually done anything wrong. I was just being an asshole. And I needed to get over it.

"Hey, man," I heard from the doorway. I turned to see Jas standing there, looking inquisitively into the room. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I responded quietly.

"So…what's up?" He sat down on my desk chair and watched me closely.

"Nothing, man," I told him. I really did not want to get into everything.

"Talk to Bella?"

"Yep," I said as I shut my eyes.

"She doing okay?"

"Yep. Sure is. She's just getting ready for the audition tomorrow."

"Hmm. I'm sure she'll do great," he said in a leading tone. I wasn't sure what he was trying to trick me into saying, but I wasn't going to fall for it.

"I'm sure she will," I agreed.

"Do you know what the movie is about? She didn't really tell me anything about it."

"Um," I hedged. "Not really. I think it's, like, an action movie for women or something. Bella would be playing some kind of young assassin or something. I don't know."

"And…" he trailed off, waiting for me to tell him.

"I just don't know what all this movie will have her doing, I guess," I said.

"Ah," he said knowingly.

"What?"

"So is that what's got you so worried? What she'll have to do for the role?" he asked, watching me closely. "Or is it the traveling? The schmoozing she's having to do? It'll all be over before you know it. Besides, you'll have to get used to it eventually. It's just part of the business."

"I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier! And she's going to be gone over half the summer anyway, and if she gets this role, I'll hardly see her in the fall. And then what's next? Another role? And then another? She's just going to be in higher demand and she'll be gone. She'll forget she ever lived in Havre," I argued. I couldn't believe I was laying all of my insecurity out there to Jas, but it was too hard to hold it in anymore.

"Edward," he said with a sigh. "I don't…I know there's nothing I can say to make it better. Just…don't give up. Okay? Bella's career means a lot to her, but so do you."

"How do you know?" I asked him, wishing I didn't sound so whiny and uneasy.

He sighed. "You know it, too."

I heard him walk out of the room. I knew I was being annoying, but it was starting to feel like everything was unraveling. When I thought about my future with Bella, things were beginning to look less and less hopeful. My pessimistic nature led me to imagine an entire life she'd be leading—without me. After she did a few movie premieres and got even richer, I would be the furthest thing from her mind. At times I felt like I already was. And I hated that I couldn't even be happy for her success. I was selfish, I knew that. But I couldn't stop.

xXx

"And they want me to do another read through for some of the other producers Thursday!" Bella nearly squealed. "I can't believe it!"

"Will you still get to come home Thursday night?" I asked, realizing immediately that I didn't even congratulate her on her audition.

"Uh, no—we'll have to push it back to Friday or Saturday. I don't know what'll happen after I read for the producers, so," she explained. "Mom and Dad decided to just open up the house out here so we're not staying at a hotel."

"Do they think you'll be there that long? Long enough to need to stay in your house?" I could feel a panic attack brewing in my gut, but I pushed it down.

"Not necessarily. I mean, Mom will probably fly home early if it looks like we need to stay longer, so just Dad and I can stay. If I need to—I mean, I might not even get the part!"

"I'm sure you will, babe," I encouraged, though I felt like a liar. "So, tell me the plot."

"Well, it's about a girl who saw her parents get murdered and she sorta goes on a crime spree to avenge them," she started. "And she travels all over the world, hunting down this international mobster type guy. And there'll be lots of shooting and bombs and all that good stuff."

I took in everything that she was saying, and just shook my head, trying to envision her in this role.

"Doesn't really sound like something you'd do, though," I hedged.

"It's really different, but that's what I need to be doing—I don't want to be typecast," she pointed out. "But shooting won't start until after I turn eighteen, and I'll need to do a lot of training before then to make sure I'm in awesome shape."

"Did they move the shooting date for your birthday?" I asked, remembering that she'd mentioned the film would shoot before September.

"Um, yeah," she replied, but didn't give any more information.

"So you can work longer days?" I guessed.

"Well, that, and…there's a sex scene in the script, and it would just be…easier if I were over eighteen, that's all."

"A sex scene? What kinda sex scene?" I shut my eyes and tried to keep my cool, but I could feel it slipping away. The tone of her voice let me know immediately that she didn't want to tell me about this to begin with. It made me wonder if she would've mentioned it at all if I hadn't pushed.

"Edward, don't," she said in a low voice.

"Don't what? Ask questions about your new project? Can't I ask my girlfriend what she has to do to pretend she's fucking somebody else?" I knew it was a low blow, but she treated me like I was totally in the wrong for being concerned.

"Stop! Just stop. I'm not going to turn down a role over something small like that. Aro could get a hundred girls to take my place in a heartbeat. I'm not giving this up just 'cause you're jealous."

"I thought you said you would never do a nude scene?" I asked.

"I don't even know if it'll be a full on nude scene," she argued.

"Why are you even considering this role? It doesn't seem like your thing."

"Do you have any idea what kind of distribution Aro's films get? They'll be highly publicized, international hits, easy. It'll clear 200 million in a few weeks, guaranteed. I can't afford to turn this down," she said.

"You can! You can afford to turn it down! You have tons of money, you told me yourself. You don't need a paycheck," I told her. "And you said you'd be pickier about projects. Taking the first thing offered to you isn't being picky, it's being desperate."

"Don't you dare say I'm desperate! You're just mad that I'm not coming home to you and your stupid ranch."

"Don't be a bitch—"

"You're the one being a little bitch, Edward! Grow up! This is the real world. You've been sheltered your whole life, and you need to open your eyes and see what's out there," she stated. I was fuming and couldn't even reply. "Call me what you're done with your little tantrum."

Click. She hung up on me. She had the nerve to call me a little bitch and hang up on me! I threw my phone against the wall, immediately regretting it when it broke into pieces.

"God dammit," I muttered as I retrieved the remnants of my phone. I didn't know if I could fix it. The pain in my chest let me know that it wouldn't be so easy to fix that either.


	47. Chapter 47

**Okay, as I said, back to Bella...**

* * *

I couldn't believe Edward said that to me—that he acted like that. Why couldn't he be happy for me? Why couldn't he just congratulate me? Yeah, it sucked that we wouldn't see each other as soon as we thought, or that I'd be gone for a while over the summer and fall, but it would be worth it. I needed to get my name out there in a positive way, and the only thing I could do was take the opportunities I was given.

And yeah, so maybe the movie wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind, but I needed to be grateful for the offer. I could get over myself and do a real sex scene. I could play an ass-kicking assassin that maybe didn't have the greatest dialogue. A job was never easy; everyone has to sacrifice sometimes. Why couldn't Edward understand that?

My parents were puttering around downstairs, getting used to the old digs again. I pulled my laptop onto my bed and opened it, hoping for any kind of distraction. I could call Jasper and vent, but knowing he was at Edward's house made it feel tainted. I needed to just calm down and wait for Edward to apologize. I knew he would, and I would accept it, and apologize back, and hopefully we'd be able to push passed this.

I knew he was jealous by nature, and insecure, but he was going to have to get over all of that if he wanted to be with me. He said he loved me, so he needed to prove it by sticking by me when times get tough. I would do the same for him, I was sure of it.

I clicked through my email, deleting anything over a week old, and an IM window popped up. I felt a chill run through my veins as I looked at the name of who I thought was now just a ghost.

_VicxenC93: What up ho? I hear ur in LA. We should meet up._

HaleIzYeah: Vic? What the hell – I heard u were missing!

VicxenC93: _D needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. I just took a little vacay. No harm._

HaleIzYeah: He said ur parents filed a missing persons report

VicxenC93: _They did but I got in touch with em and everythings cool. I'm back at home now. Come see me 2nite! I miss u_

HaleIzYeah: I can't

VicxenC93: _Y not? Just stop by so I can c u for myself. I wanna talk bout some shit_

I considered the possibility of going to see Vic and getting everything out on the table. It could provide me with some serious closure. And sitting around all night, moping over my fight with Edward wasn't too appealing.

"Mom!" I called out, hoping she'd hear me.

"Yeah?" she yelled back from downstairs. I walked out of my room to the railing of the stairs and peered down at her.

"Mind if I go out for a little while? I want to see a few friends while I'm in town," I told her, hoping she'd let me go. She studied me for a moment and nodded hesitantly.

"I guess that's alright. I want you home by eleven, though. No excuses," she said and pointed her index finger at me. I nodded.

"Thanks, Mom."

I walked back in my room and picked up my laptop.

_VicxenC93: … ?_

HaleIzYeah: U at ur parents house?

_VicxenC93: Yes maam!_

HaleIzYeah: I'll be there in 30

xXx

"Isabella Hale," Vic said as she answered the door. "You look…healthy."

Vic eyed my body for a moment before turning around and leading me down through the foyer to a media room. Massive flat screens were hanging on every wall, and music was thumping lowly out of the surround sound speakers. I ran my hands self-consciously over my stomach and hips before taking a deep breath. I needed to talk to her, and then get the hell out.

"Want something?" she asked, pointing at a mini bar set up in the corner. I shook my head. "Aw, come on. Just one drink, for old time's sake."

Vic walked over and mixed two drinks, one for each of us. I took mine hesitantly and sipped, immediately tasting the tartness of a sugar free Red Bull and the bite of strong vodka. I practically lived on those before. I sat my drink down on a small glass end table and tried to fight the urge to just down the thing. I was wound up and sort of pissed off, so I knew drinking wasn't the right road to go down.

"So, what's up?" she asked, sipping at her drink and leaning back, her short sequined dress exposing her way-too-thin thighs.

"Uh…just in town for an audition," I told her, looking around. Seeing Vic right in front of me took me back to that night so long ago, and it hurt to remember. The fact that I both hated her and loved her didn't make things any easier.

"I hear your movie did well at Cannes," she said. "That's good."

I was surprised that she'd followed me enough to even know that, but I nodded my thanks. "Yeah, I'm really proud of it."

"You seem…different. More confident," she stated. "But you also seem a little repressed."

I flinched a little at her wording.

"Don't they party in Montana?"

"I'm not really into that anymore, Vic," I told her, the stress of the situation sending my hand automatically to my drink. I gulped half of it down before realizing it.

"Aw, come on—I hear Cannes has some good parties. You didn't do anything while you were there? Have you even gotten laid since you left L.A.?"

"That's none of your business! It wasn't easy to get my life back on track, and I won't let you make fun of me for it. Just back off," I told her. I finished my drink, and upon seeing the empty glass, Vic immediately grabbed it and went to make another. I thought about refusing, but the warmth in my chest and the looseness in my muscles made everything seem a little easier than it had an hour before. Edward was a more distant thought, and the hurt I felt over his selfishness faded. I could afford one night of not worrying and obsessing, right?

"Okay then…what do you wanna talk about?"

"What have you been up to?" I asked.

"Just working a little. I actually got a role on one of those crime shows on TV. It's recurring, so that gave me a nice little paycheck. Daddy was happy," she said as she rolled her eyes.

"That's good, Vic," I told her genuinely. I did care about her, and I wanted her to find some stability in her life. "Where are your parents?"

"They're out of town. It's their anniversary—twenty years," she said. "They're in Vegas, celebrating."

I nodded, sipping at my drink slowly as silence took over our conversation. I looked up to find Vic staring at me in that way I'd come to recognize over the years. She was going to test me, I could tell.

She grabbed her purse and pulled out a small prescription bottle. Out of it she retrieved a joint, but I could see several different sized pills in the bottom. She lit it and inhaled, holding it out to me with her eyebrow raised. I didn't take it, but I didn't turn it down. She finally released the smoke she'd been holding.

"This'll probably be the last time we hang out, right, Hale? Come on," she coaxed. The wicked smile on her face should've made me say no, but some sense of nostalgia took over and I reached for the joint. I took a deep inhale and held it, letting the smoke burn down into my lungs, and closed my eyes. I exhaled and could feel myself getting lighter already. I took another inhale before handing it back.

Over the course of the next hour, Vic and finished off the joint, and I found myself reclined, happily relaxed, and not thinking about anything of importance.

"I can see it. Fuck, that's awesome," I said. My eyes were shut, but Vic was there. She was with me. We'd just found this awesome pond. We were in Montana. "Do you see it?"

"Yeah. We should go in," she said. I heard rustling and opened my eyes to find her stripping off her dress. She stood before me in just her bra and panties. "I don't want to ruin my dress."

I nodded along. "It's so pretty. I don't care if I ruin my clothes."

I let my hand trail over the soft cotton of my t-shirt, down to the rough denim covering my thighs. "Might get a little heavy, though."

The door bell rang, and I looked at Vic through my haze. "I'll get it," she said.

A moment later, Vic came back with a few guys trailing behind her. I smiled lazily at them. "'Sup?"

I shut my eyes again, wanting to go back to the pond. I didn't want the new guys to see it; it was just for me and Vic. I kept floating, ignoring the voices around me, until I heard a beat that I just couldn't ignore. The bass called to me, and I stood up drowsily, wanting to dance.

"Vic, this is so good," I said, my eyes still partially shut. Periodically I fluttered them open to make sure I wasn't falling or running into anything. I ran my hands through my hair, just enjoying the way the music felt. It got louder and I smiled. I let myself get lost, unable to remember the last time I'd felt so good. So alive.

"Here, baby," Vic said in front of me. I opened my eyes and saw her holding something out to me. She'd taken her bra off, and hands that weren't hers were latched onto her breasts. It confused me to see so many arms but I didn't think about it too closely. She held a pill between her fingers. I opened my mouth like I knew she wanted and let her put it on my tongue. I licked at her fingertips and shut my mouth, ready to let the little pill dissolve and work its magic.

Suddenly there were hands on me, on my sides and my stomach. A body was behind me. It was warm, almost too warm. "Edward?" I asked, though this person didn't smell the same, or feel the same. "Edward?"

My voice was weird and a little slurred from the pill still on my tongue, but the person behind me knew what I was asking.

"You know that's not my name, baby," the voice said. It was deep and familiar, but not Edward. I stopped moving and looked over my shoulder, trying to focus. It was Demetri. I didn't remember him getting there. His hips continued to move against me, and I felt wrong and dirty all of a sudden. Everything hit me and I started to stumble, but his big hands gripped me and held me to him. I shuddered.

I opened my mouth and tried to wipe what was left of the pill of my tongue. I pulled away from Demetri and managed to get to my jacket that was on the back of the couch. I pulled my phone out, seeing missed calls and text, all from Jasper.

I mustered every bit of focus I had and typed out a message before sending it to my mom.

_Pic me up? At Vics. 2 high._

xXx

I woke up to a blinding headache and an empty stomach. The sun was beating down on me from the bay window in the living room. I was face down on the couch. I felt my stomach clench and it growled as I rolled over. I started rubbing the sleep from my eyes when a shadow appeared above me. It was Mom. She looked disappointed.

"Mom," I croaked, my throat dry. "I want to go home."


	48. Chapter 48

I knew that I was in for a world of shit once I got to Havre, but I had to go. I had Mom call Maggie and tell her I didn't want the role. We packed up our stuff as quickly as we could, and flew home. I didn't expect Edward to want to see me immediately, but I had to try. I had to make things right.

Jas had already torn me a new one several times; apparently Edward just curled up and wallowed, refusing to talk to anyone or even come out of his room. Alice wasn't too happy with me, and I was sure Esme wouldn't be either. But all I needed was for Edward to forgive me, and to accept me. I needed him. I knew that, and I wasn't going to fuck things up.

It wasn't that late when we got in, so I asked my parents to take me directly to Edward's house. I couldn't get a hold of him, but Jas told me that he'd broken his phone after talking to me. I knew I needed to apologize face to face, so it was for the best anyway.

I waved as my parents drove off; neither of them was happy with me, but they were both relieved that I'd had the forethought to ask them to pick me up instead of trying to drive. And they were both happy that I wasn't taking the role in Aro's film. It was obvious that I still had some shit to work through, and running around L.A. filming or traveling the world for promotion probably wasn't the best thing for me.

Jas knew I was coming, but he hadn't told Edward. I knocked on the door and waited. Esme opened it, giving me a sad smile, and ushering me inside.

"He's in his room," she said softly. I hoped she wasn't mad at me, and when I looked at her again, I saw sympathy on her face, but no anger. I nodded and swallowed thickly, trying to build up my courage.

I made my way down the hall and could hear hushed voices talking behind the closed door to Alice's room. I kept going and knocked gently when I reached Edward's door. He didn't respond, so I gently pushed the door open and glanced inside.

It was pitch black, but I could make out his form lying on his bed. I didn't know if he was asleep or not, but then he spoke.

"I don't want dinner, Mom," he almost growled. I flipped the overhead light on and watched him wince and cover his eyes. "What the—"

He sat up and his eyes widened in shock as he saw that I was standing there. He didn't move or say anything, so I took the steps necessary to get to him. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I kneeled right at his feet and wrapped my arms around his waist as best I could, and just started crying. He didn't reciprocate at first, which made me cry harder, but then he embraced me and held me tightly to his torso.

"Bella," he whispered into my hair before he kissed my ear and my jaw. "What are you doing here?"

He pulled back and looked at my tear-streaked face. He pushed my hair behind my ears and started to speak, but I interrupted him.

"I'm so s-sorry," I said, trying to force out my words through my tears. "I'm sorry for fighting with you, and for even thinking about taking that stupid role. I'm sorry for saying those things to you, and I'm—I'm just sorry!"

Edward nodded and lightly kissed me before starting his own apology. "I'm sorry, too. I'm such a jealous bastard, and I'm sorry I wasn't happy for you. I don't want to hold you back. I shouldn't have picked a fight with you; you're right, I do need to grow up a little. I'm just so glad you're here."

He hugged me to his chest once more, and I could feel the beating of his heart against mine. It was racing.

"Wait, does this mean you didn't stay for the second audition?" he asked. I shook my head, my hair sticking to the stubble on his face.

"No, I don't know why I was even considering it. I was just desperate to start over that I didn't even remember what got me in such a bad spot to begin with," I told him. I inhaled deeply. "And there's something else…."

I proceeded to tell him about going to Vic's and what I'd done. I was too ashamed to look at him, but when I was finished berating myself, he kissed me again and told me he forgave me, and that he was just glad I was alright.

"I promise, I won't do anything that stupid again. I'll see a therapist or do whatever I need to do to make sure that I don't fuck up like that again," I swore to him. I placed my hands on either side of his face. "I want to be with you. I need you. I won't screw this up."

His eyes filled with tears and he nodded his agreement. He kissed me again, much more passionately, and the two of us stayed entwined like that for a few more moments.

"So we're okay?" I asked hopefully.

"We're better than okay," he said, and I believed him. "I'll do whatever it takes, too, you know."

"I know. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. We've got at least another year here, and then, who knows?" I pointed out. "We'll figure it out together."

"Together." He leaned in and nuzzled my cheek with his before slowly sealing our promise with another kiss.

* * *

**I know, I know, that was insanely short. This is the "end" for right now, but I use the term loosely. I do have some ideas for an epilogue, or possibly a short series of future shots and an epilogue, but I don't have the time to devote to writing them just yet. I thought this was a good place to end for this couple right now - but I know you all probably want to know what happens down the road. So do I!**

**Thanks again to all of you who have read and reviewed and rec'd and just been awesome about this fic. I felt like I really put my heart and soul into this story, so it's been wonderful to get such a positive response.**

**Keep your eyes peeled for more Hollywoodella and Farmward - these two aren't just skipping into the fictional afterlife. They've both got plenty of story left. **


	49. Epilogue

***looks around, bewildered***

**Whoa...is this an update? Why, yes, yes it is. Here is the long-awaited Epilogue, if any of you are still interested and/or remember this fic at all. It's been a crazy few months, and I'm just now starting to write again. I have a six-week-old now, so it's been difficult to find the time, but I had to get this out to you guys. Unlike the previous chapters, this is written in third-person, not first. More at the bottom - enjoy!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

She smoothed the front of her dress over her flat torso, turning to the side to take in her profile. The cream-colored gown was luminescent, sparkling off of her skin. Her hair was down in playful waves, a little casual but perfectly suited to her style.

Slipping on her heels, she glared at the exposed skin of her legs.

_Why did I go with a tea length dress? _

A sigh from beside her pulled her from her thoughts.

"It's perfect." Bella turned to look at Siobhan, her stylist.

"It's not formal enough," she complained in turn.

"You're young; it doesn't need to be stuffy."

"But this is, like, my debut…" Bella trailed off.

"No, it isn't. You've already been seen on several networks this season, let alone in every entertainment magazine. No one expects you to wear some ball gown, even if it is the Oscars," Siobhan pointed out.

"I'm just nervous."

"No shit." Bella snorted before smiling at her friend.

"What if I flub my lines?"

"You won't," Siobhan told her. She grabbed Bella's shoulders and moved her over to the red upholstered chair situated in front of the room's vanity. "And if you do, laugh it off."

Bella sighed, shutting her eyes and relaxing back into her seat. "How long do I have?"

"Your car will be here in five," Siobhan answered. Bella nodded and kept her eyes closed until she absolutely had to leave.

Riding in the town car was nice, but she was dateless and a little lonely. Her publicist rode with her, ready to help her traverse the red carpet, but the two weren't exactly close friends.

Bella's phone vibrated from inside the tiny clutch leaned against her thigh. She smiled as she read the text she'd received.

- _I'm watchin closely, she better have u lookin' fierce_

Bella typed out a reply as she laughed softly.

- _Miss u too Ali. How's my nephew doin?_

The car began to slow. Bella peeked out the window and saw the line of cars in front of her and the butterflies in her stomach intensified.

- _He's kickin like crazy, but I just inhaled 2lbs of nachos, so that might be y. We miss u and wanted to wish u luck! Jas is sorry he can't be there :(_

Bella smiled wistfully. She was sorry he couldn't be there either, but hopefully there would be other Academy Awards – the birth of his first child was something he couldn't chance missing.

- _Tell him quit apologizing, I'm fine. Time to go, talk to u later._

Bella tugged at the hem of her skirt as the car finally pulled to a complete stop. She could see the line of photogs and fans, and she already felt overwhelmed. Her driver came around and opened her door. Bella realized her publicist had been talking, but she hadn't heard a word the woman said. With a deep breath, Bella plastered a wide smile on her face and stepped out gracefully.

The noise was deafening, the flashes of light blinding, but Bella knew what to do. Her publicist came up behind her, guiding her by the elbow down the carpet and by the entrance. Bella could see a sea of people, celebrities and reporters alike, filling the space in front of her. The task of going down the press line was daunting, and she knew in an hour she'd want to scream, but it was all worth it to be there.

After posing for several hundred photos, Bella was ready to start doing interviews. Most of the reporters asked the same generic questions: Who was she wearing? What did she do to get ready for the show? Was she nervous for her first Oscar appearance? Bella gave the same stock answers, trying her best to remained poise despite the sweat she felt dripping down her back and the way her shoes pinched her toes.

"…excited?" Bella watched as the too-tanned woman whose name she couldn't remember blinked repeatedly as she held up the microphone.

"Yes, very. I'm so nervous and every time I look around I see another amazing actor that I've admired for years and just want to turn all fangirly and rush up, asking for an autograph," Bella gushed, adding a sheepish smile. While she truly was in awe of some of the people present, she knew that making herself seem as down to earth as possible was the best way to go.

"You've had a busy year already; what are your plans now that the awards season is ending?" Bella glanced around at all the people and suddenly had the overwhelming desire to be alone.

"I'm going to just relax, take some time for myself. I'm ready to go home," she said, her eyes flickering directly into the camera lens for just a moment. Her publicist tapped her elbow, letting her know it was time to move on.

After finishing the press line, she was finally able to go inside. Her body was buzzing with nerves, and she was glad to be presenting early in the show, so she could just get it over with. She made her way to her seat, noting how near it was to the front. While she had a supporting role in one of the year's nominated films, she herself wasn't nominated. She just wanted to blend in and observe, enjoying her first huge awards show as much as she could.

Crew workers ran around frantically getting everything and everyone in their places. Before she knew it, the camera was being cued and they were about to go live. She swallowed thickly, anxiety overtaking her excitement. So many people were watching at home and she'd have to go up on stage and speak in front of all of them, let alone the room full of actors and directors and producers.

The show started, the host doing a quaint song and dance number to get things started, and everything moved rather quickly. Before she knew it, she was in the bathroom, trying to pee before she had her big moment.

Pushing through the crowds of people backstage, she passed more than a few lucky award winners as they headed back to do even more press, now with a golden statue in hand.

Bella looked around frantically for Benjamin, a fellow actor she was presenting with. Spotting him, she headed over, noticing immediately how relaxed and carefree he looked. She took a deep breath. She was going to say her lines and smile, and then it would all be over.

The two barely had time to greet one another before someone wearing a headset pushed them toward the edge of the stage. Bella heard music playing and knew that it was time. A loud voice through the speakers announced their names, and the pair walked out onto the large stage to the sound of applause. Bella hit her mark, stopped at the thin microphone, and began.

"Boy meets girl. Boy falls for other girl. Boy realizes, perhaps too late, he was supposed to be with the first girl all along," she recited. Benjamin smiled charmingly and stepped up closer to speak.

"The plot could be borrowed from any one of a number of award-winning modern movies, but it's actually from _Wings_, the very first movie to win Best Picture in 1927," he said perfectly.

"Even before they made talkies, movies were obsessed with the complications of love."

"What it is, how to get it, how to keep it, and what to do when it all goes terribly, terribly wrong," Ben said with an impish grin. Bella pursed her lips to keep from laughing and said her next line.

"And now, over eighty years later, relationships have only gotten more complicated."

"And though movies continue to be obsessed, figuring out love never goes out of style," Ben added.

"Here's what romance looked like in 2015," Bella said, ending their presentation and allowing her another moment to breathe. The bright spotlights centered on them dimmed, and she couldn't wait to get off of that stage.

As the montage played across the large screen behind them, the two were able to stealthily walk backstage. Bella's hands trembled still from the adrenaline. She was so thankful she couldn't actually see anyone sitting in the auditorium, otherwise she never would've gotten through it.

"Shit, I need a drink!" Ben announced as he threw his arm around Bella's shoulder. "You, my dear, did a great job."

"God, I hope so—I think I was on autopilot, the words just fell out of my mouth," she said with a laugh.

"Well, they were the right ones, so," he replied with a shrug. "Let's go to the green room and snag some champagne."

"I think that's for nominees…and, you know, winners," she argued weakly, already walking in that direction.

Ben rolled his eyes and escorted her through the maze of people milling about. Once there, the two engaged in small talk until Bella decided she wanted to get back to her seat and watch the rest of the show.

"Going to any after-parties?" Ben asked.

"I'll probably show up somewhere…" she trailed off. While she was feeling much better after successfully getting through her presentation, she still wasn't feeling up to rubbing elbows with Hollywood's elite. She wished she were back at her house, watching the show in her pjs and eating cookies. With a small wave, she wound down a couple of corridors and made it back out to her seat during a commercial break. Her publicist appeared at her side, handing over her clutch.

"Your phone's been vibrating, I thought you might want to check it." Bella smiled in thanks and quickly pulled out her cell. She smiled at seeing Alice's text.

_- A. U look amazing. B. U were awesome up there. C. I'm so jealous U got to meet Ben Wringley!_

Bella laughed quietly to herself.

_- He's pretty dreamy I guess. Wish u were here._

Closing her phone, Bella sighed. She was supposed to be having an amazing night, possibly once in a lifetime, yet she felt oddly disappointed. She wished she weren't there alone. She wished she could leave. She wished she weren't going back to her equally empty house after the show.

She found herself thinking about another house, in another state, one that wasn't empty, one that she felt at home in.

She shut her eyes just as the orchestra began to play, signaling the end of the break. She reminded herself that her obligations for the next several months were fulfilled, and her calendar was wide open. She could go wherever she wanted to.

xXx

Edward stood at the kitchen sink, hand washing the few dishes he'd dirtied over the past few days. He let the water run loudly, pretending that he didn't have anything else to do just then.

He heard his phone buzz insistently on the counter. Glaring at it, he turned the water off and dried his hands, already knowing who was contacting him.

_- Did u watch?_

With a sigh, he quickly typed his response.

_- No. Shouldn't u be sleeping? I thought pregnant women went to bed early._

He set his phone down but it vibrated automatically. He shook his head at how quickly Alice responded.

_- I'm not a senior citizen! I can't believe u didn't watch her._

Choosing not to reply, he went to his room and changed clothes, getting ready to settle in. While it would've made sense to start using the master bedroom since the house was all his, he couldn't get used to sleeping in there. It would probably always be his parents' room to him.

His phone vibrated again as he pulled his shirt over his head. He read Alice's text and groaned.

_- She looked great._

Still ignoring her, he walked back through the house and stepped out on the back porch. The fields were blanketed with snow, and the reflection of the moonlight made it almost as bright as morning.

His phone was still gripped in his hand as it vibrated again.

_- Should've seen the guy she was with. Whew! The chemistry._

Buzz. A new message appeared as he looked at the screen.

_- Such heat_.

Buzz.

_- The sparks. I felt the shock through the TV._

His free hand made a fist. Hitting a few buttons, he held the phone up to his ear.

"Yes?" she answered pleasantly.

"Dammit, Alice! What are you trying to do here, huh? What're you playing at?"

"I just think you should—"

"No, I shouldn't do anything! Bella and I are over, okay? We've both accepted it, now you need to!"

He didn't want to be so harsh with Alice, but he was getting tired of listening to her.

"I can't accept it. You both are miserable," she argued. "Jas agrees with me."

"I don't give two shits what Jas thinks."

"Hey! He's your brother-in-law, you should care what he thinks!"

"Alice…don't turn this into something. Just drop it."

"I just can't believe it's over. It can't be."

"We gave it a shot, it didn't work out. We tried. End of story."

"But—"

"No buts. She and I got along just fine at Christmas, but apart from holidays and major life events, nothing's gonna happen."

"She still wears the ring."

That brought Edward up short. He cleared his throat against the emotion that immediately choked him. Just thinking about that ring…he shook his head to clear it.

"I have to be up early, so…"

"Don't do this—"

"I'll talk to you later." He hung up, staring over the white fields for a few unending moments. Memories fought to come to the surface, and try as he might, he couldn't beat them back.

The look on her face when he got down on one knee….

The way her dark hair looked against their white sheets….

Her sweaty tank top after a day of working with him out in the fields….

The endless phone calls when she was away, the stress, the worry….

Her teary eyes when she said, not for the first time, she didn't know when they could have the wedding….

The tightness in his chest after that last conversation when he told her he couldn't wait…the ultimatum…the pain of not being chosen.

And now, the loneliness that surrounded him constantly. Regardless of where he was or who he was with, he couldn't escape it. He was the one who walked away, but that didn't make it any easier on him.

He walked back inside, straight to the couch. Picking up the remote, he turned the TV on and went to his recorded shows. He highlighted "87th Annual Academy Awards." The play button taunted him and he couldn't resist.

Fast forwarding through the show, he stopped when he saw her walk out on stage. She looked stunning, too good, and he felt his breath catch.

_Damn. Why'd she have to wear a white dress?_

He'd imagined their wedding too many times. Seeing her like that, in that dress, was too much for him. He shut the TV off before even hearing her speak. Walking back to his bedroom, he face planted on his bed, desperate to fall asleep and get a break from his thoughts.

xXx

Bella was nervous as hell. She felt her palms begin to sweat, despite the arctic temperature outside. She'd been hiding out at her parents' house for a week already, too chicken to go do what she came to do.

What if he turns me away? What if it's really over? What will I do?

The what-ifs were driving her mad, so with a deep breath, she marched up the front steps of Edward's house and knocked on the door before she could stop herself. His truck was parked in the drive, so she knew he was home, and she'd waited until evening so he wouldn't be out in the fields working.

Each passing second felt like torture. Bella's heart beat too fast in her chest as she waited. The sound of heavy, steady footsteps alerted her to his approach. She looked down, waiting.

She heard his steps slow and then stop altogether, and she knew he'd seen her. The door didn't open, so she finally looked up, through the glass of the front door, and saw him.

Even with seeing him a few months ago, she still couldn't help the way her heart clenched at the sight of him. He looked good, as always. His hair was a little too long, his beard a little too thick, and his plaid shirt was rumpled, but he was just so Edward she could barely stand it. He dropped his gaze but she kept hers steady, waiting for him to open the door and hopefully let her in.

After a few more aching seconds, he finally did just as she wished.

"Hi," she said. He nodded, his eyes on the ground. He stepped to the side and motioned for her to come in.

Walking in the familiar entry, she immediately headed to the kitchen and took a seat at the island. That was the spot she always set when she talked to him at the end of the day, the place they'd had many important conversations. The place where he knelt and proposed one day, spur of the moment, totally dirty and sweaty from work and no ring yet purchased. She felt that ring burn in her pocket as she thought of it.

Edward followed slowly, swallowing thickly as anxiety set in. He stepped into the kitchen, his eyes finally rising and taking her in. Her sweater was oversized and comfy looking, her jeans a little too loose to be trendy, and no makeup on her face. Her hair was up in its usual ponytail. She looked even lovelier than she had last month at the Oscars.

The two sat in silence, both afraid to speak. Bella looked around, noting the slight changes that had taken place in the house in the two years since she lived there. The house looked a lot more like a bachelor pad than it had before.

Looking back at Edward, she sighed loudly, ready to say her piece and find out his answer.

"Listen…I came here to tell you something, and I just want to say it, okay?" she asked. He nodded slightly. "I don't want to stall or beat around the bush or shoot the shit."

He couldn't help but smile at her. He waved his hand for her to continue.

"I miss you. I miss Havre, I miss this house, I miss trying to cook dinner for you and helping you in the fields. I miss driving your truck and never wearing makeup and staying in my pajamas and watching movies with you," she began.

"Bella—"

"I miss having something to look forward to every day, I miss waking up to you, I miss having a future with you." Tears filled her eyes. Edward stood stoic, not reacting, and she felt like she might die if he didn't feel the same way.

"I miss us."

He shook his head minutely, and fear seized her.

"No, no—don't say there's no chance—please!" she choked out. "There's nothing for me back in California. Here….here there's everything."

"What about your job? You just all of a sudden don't care?" Edward asked.

"I don't care—"

"So two years ago when I asked you, when I begged you to come back here and ma—" an almost-sob cut him off. He cleared his throat. "And begged you to marry me, and you said you couldn't—suddenly that doesn't matter to you anymore? You're suddenly ready to give all that up?"

"It was a mistake! I think about it all the time, every day, and wish to God I'd made a different choice," she explained. "I should've said yes, I should've flown home that day and…that should've been us last year, not Jas and Alice. I was wrong."

Edward sighed and turned to look out the window above the sink. His jaw was clenched tightly, and Bella felt her opportunity slipping through her fingers. She rose from her chair and went to him, grasping his arm as the tears finally spilled down her face.

"And I need you to know, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry," she whispered as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder. "I need you to forgive me."

He didn't move, didn't speak, didn't breathe.

"I need you to tell me we still have a shot."

She waited, but he still didn't respond.

"I love you, Edward. More than anything. Please, tell me you love me, too."

Her eyes were shut. She cried as quietly as she could, hoping to hear him speak the words she'd wanted him to say since she arrived.

It felt like a swarm of killer bees had taken up residence in Edward's stomach as he heard her, felt her against him. He was hurt, still, he was angry, but he knew he had no choice. He'd never really had a choice when it came to her.

"I love you," he said. Bella shuddered, her tears coming even harder at the words. Edward felt his own tears slowly leak from the corners of his eyes. "I forgive you."

Bella released his arm only to wrap her arms around his torso, hugging him as tightly as she could.

"We still have a shot," he said, turning to envelope her fully in an embrace. "I missed you so fucking much."

Bella laughed through her tears. "I know, me too."

The pair held each other, saying nothing. They'd have plenty to talk through later, but they each wanted to just enjoy the moment, enjoy the thrill of knowing they could be together again.

After several minutes or hours, she wasn't sure, Bella pulled back, retrieving her engagement ring from her pocket. She placed it in his hand and looked up at his confused expression.

"I shouldn't have kept it—"

"It's yours, Bella. It's not like I'd ever give it to somebody else or…" he said as he shook his head.

"I want you to hold on to it again. I want—I hope one day you'll be ready to ask me again, and put that ring back on my finger," she replied.

Edward's eyes flickered back and forth over her face, gauging the seriousness of her request. A part of him wanted to ask her right then, and another part of him knew he should probably give it a little time. He settled for lifting her left hand and kissing her naked fourth finger.

"I'll keep it safe," he said, a promise in his voice.

Bella smiled, feeling certain that her finger wouldn't be bare for too long. She stood on her tiptoes, kissing him for the first time in too long, and the feeling of home surrounded her.

She'd been so many places, seen so many things, met so many people, but there was only one place, one person, who made her feel like she belonged. She wrapped her arms around Edward's neck, holding on to her home, her future, and relaxing in the knowledge that she'd made her way back to him, and she wouldn't stray ever again.

* * *

**So...that's all, folks!**

**One note, I totally stole Bella and Ben's little speech from the 2008 Oscars when RP presented with Amanda Seyfried. I couldn't come up with anything on my own, and that fit, so, that is not mine.**

**Hope you all are satisfied with this ending, and sorry to make you wait for it for so long. I have a few other little things I plan to post, not with Elevation, but some new stuff, so keep your eyes peeled. Thanks and love to you all!**


	50. Chapter 50

**This is just a little something I thought up and wanted to share with all of you. Thanks again to everyone who read this and stuck around to see what other shenanigans I could get these two into.**

* * *

I saw Edward's fingers drumming repetitively on the armrest of his seat, the sound growing from a quiet tapping to a drum pounding in my ears. Reaching over, I stilled his hand, shooting him a look.

He sighed. "Sorry," he muttered, though he probably wasn't sorry.

To say things had been tense lately was an understatement, but I thought it would all be worth it in the end.

After landing, we walked through the terminal, hands clasped—though it didn't feel romantic, but more of a safety precaution. Edward's eyes were darting this way and that, nervousness evident on his face.

Somehow in the eight years of knowing one another—three of which now we'd been married—he hadn't been to L.A. before.

Due to my stepping out of the spotlight shortly before our wedding, there weren't any paparazzi at the airport to harass us. One woman asked for an autograph by the luggage carousel, but she was kind and polite and left us alone immediately after. No one else standing nearby gave me a second look. LAX was notorious for celebrities walking through, and my life was now quite boring in comparison to most.

Sunglasses were perched on my nose, just in case, but they weren't necessary. As we stood outside, waiting for a taxi, I saw how Edward's shoulders were finally starting to lose some of the tension that had set in. His flannel shirt stood out amongst the crowd as it wasn't the hipster kind of flannel that went out of style two years ago, but actually thick, woven material suitable for hard labor in the fields.

His height afforded him a clear view of all the queuing cabs and he nabbed one for us easily. I put my sunglasses away; it was an uncharacteristically cloudy L.A. day.

A thirty-minute drive had us pulling up to a charming little bungalow we were renting out for the next year. Now that my pilot had been picked up and a full season of episodes ordered, I knew we'd be shooting for at least the next several months. If we were renewed for a second season, Edward and I could look into something a little more permanent.

I knew he wasn't that excited about moving to L.A. in the first place. He left his parents, his farm, his entire life behind, but a small, resentful part of me thought it was his turn to sacrifice. I'd given him four years of Montana life; he could buck up and give me a few in California.

The house was furnished, nothing too kitschy or personalized. The couches were comfy, the walls neutral, and the kitchen fully loaded. I took a deep breath as we stepped through the French doors leading to our patio and small yard. Edward insisted that he would take care of the upkeep, practically forbidding me from hiring any landscapers, so I acquiesced. I needed to pick my battles carefully with this move, at least until Edward grew more comfortable here.

I watched him pace the area of the yard, a look on his face I wasn't that familiar with. Giving him a little time, I just leaned against the doorway, waiting.

With another sigh, he looked up at me, a tiny smile on his face.

"I have to admit . . ." he began. Giving the house another perusal, he looked back at me. "It's pretty nice."

A grin broke out on my face and I stepped closer to him, threading my fingers behind his neck and pulling him to me for a quick kiss.

"I thought you might like it," I told him. We went back inside, unpacking our clothes and the few other belongings we'd brought with us, getting everything looking a little homier.

I thought being here would be really good for us.

xXx

Stumbling into our bedroom, I barely made it to the bed before collapsing. I jarred Edward, waking him, and he pushed himself up and glanced at the clock.

Sinking back into the bed, he stretched an arm out to me, pulling me back into his chest.

"That's the fourth night this week," he said.

"I know, but they've had a hard time getting some exteriors," I explained, pausing to yawn. "They promised a three-day weekend, though."

Edward grunted, sounding unconvinced.

"I'm sorry," I told him, my eyes closed and my brain already slipping into that weird in between where my thoughts were jumbled and strange and dreamlike.

xXx

Edward was getting stir crazy. He had a car but didn't feel comfortable driving around L.A., let alone going out by himself. He needed a friend. I was shooting up to fifty or sixty hours a week, leaving little time for me to take him out. Anytime I had time off, I just wanted to lie around the house and relax.

That day at work, I asked one of my costars if she and her boyfriend would like to come to our house for dinner over the weekend. I'd heard Rina mention her boyfriend, Liam, several times and he seemed like the kind of guy Edward would get along with. Liam grew up in the northwest, in a rural area, and wasn't into any of the glitz and glamour of L.A. He and Edward could at least commiserate.

Rina accepted immediately, though she acted a bit surprised to be invited over. Plan "Get Edward a Friend" was being put into action.

xXx

I hurried to set out all the dishes on the patio table, Rina assisting me, as I glanced over at Edward and Liam staring at one of the trees in our backyard.

Perhaps it was a man thing, but the two of them hadn't stopped examining the backyard or the house since Liam and Rina arrived.

First Liam commented on the bungalow-style house. He and Edward had a short conversation about architecture. Then talk moved to our street and the construction of it. After discussing the support beams and archways inside, they moved outside, walking from plant to tree to bush and back. Talks of tools and fertilizer and the like ensued. They were bonding, that was for sure, though it was a very nomadic way to go about it, and both had already gone through two beers a piece during their inspection.

Rina caught my eye and we both stifled giggles. I called the boys to the table and as we all dug in, I heard Liam inviting Edward out to a sports bar to watch "the game." I didn't know which sport or team he was referring to, but Edward's eyes lit up and he accepted after giving me a look that seemed to be asking for permission.

The night ended with Liam and Edward exchanging numbers and promises to text.

Over the next several weeks, I heard Liam's name mentioned more and more from Edward. He seemed much happier when I came home from work, having actually gotten out and interacted with people, and he was slowly learning his way around town, or at least to his favorite new haunts.

Saturday morning, I crawled out of bed and started the coffee. When I came back to our room, I noticed Edward's feet hanging out from the comforter and went over to try to tickle him awake.

At first everything seemed normal, but when I went to playfully squeeze Edward's big toe, I realized something was missing.

I'd been married to him for almost four years—I knew the man's feet, and I knew he'd never done anything more than trim his toenails to take care of them. The calluses that were usually quite noticeable were gone, only smooth skin left in their place. His nails were all neatly groomed, perfectly straight, and while they weren't painted, there was certainly a sheen to them that hadn't been there before.

I didn't want to accuse him of anything, so after he woke up and we sat sipping our coffee on the patio, I decided a little detective work was in order.

"So . . . you hang out with Liam yesterday?" I asked, innocent as ever. Edward nodded. "What'd you do?"

"Had lunch. Drank a few beers. Nothing much."

"Is that all?"

Edward turned his head to look at me, his eyes narrowed slightly. We stared at each other, neither backing down, neither even blinking. The dog next door barked, startling us both, and I finally broke the stare down.

It was quiet for a moment, tense between us.

"What do you know?" he asked, his voice low.

"I might know some things," I said, giving his bare feet a pointed glance.

With a clatter, he sat his coffee mug down on the glass table and threw his hands in the air.

"Okay! I got a pedicure! You caught me," he said, his voice quite defensive.

I stared for a moment before smiling, a laugh ready to burst forth but I tried to hold it in.

"It wasn't the first time, either," he continued, his voice rising in indignation. "Liam took me a few weeks ago, and I liked it. So I've gone back every week. And I'm going to keep going back, and you can't stop me!"

His outburst was unexpected, and uncharacteristic, but I was just delighted he had actually found something he liked.

I moved over to where he sat and kneeled in front of him, trying to get him to look me in the eye.

"Edward, it's okay. I'm glad that you've got, you know, your own thing. It's okay to like to do that kind of stuff," I told him.

"I like it here," he admitted, his voice small and reluctant. "I like the restaurants, I like the houses, I like the weather—it's November and it's not even cold! I'm happy and you're happy and I'm just a little disappointed that we couldn't be this happy in Montana. I don't even know why."

"Well, Montana is home. And I'm sure you thought you'd hate it here and we'd be packing up in a year and going back. But maybe . . ."

"What?"

"Maybe we should think about this being home. At least for a little while. Or we could have two homes. Who says there are rules to this?"

"You're right. I know you're right. Let's just take it a year at a time, and we'll see what we want to do."

"Agreed." I shifted back into my seat and looked out at the backyard. "I love this house, but we might need to consider getting something bigger."

"Hmm," he replied. "Why's that? This seems perfect."

"It is for now, but soon it'll be too small."

He turned and looked at me.

"Because I'm pregnant."


End file.
